7/10/24 Weightloss and Being Judgee

Up until the age of 30 I weighed 120 pounds. From 30 til a couple years ago, I weighed anywhere between 180 and 240 pounds. And now I weigh 130 pounds. So I’ve been thin and I’ve been fat and I know what it’s like to be both. And, I have to tell you that it’s a very strange feeling to know that not only are you judged at 240, but you’re judged at 130! I have to say that the judgments at 240 were a lot more intense and a lot more demeaning than they are at 130. Still, I see how other women look at me. I’ve always been aware of that. I’m not sure where that comes from and I’m not gonna get into that. Maybe I’ll talk about that with my new therapist.

But, it is an interesting phenomenon to have been obese, and now be slim. As many of you know, it took me quite some time to realize my weight loss even after I lost the weight. It just takes the brain time to catch up with the physical. We see it when people lose limbs and have phantom pain. The pain is real, but it’s created in their brain and it took my brain about six months to wrap itself around the fact that I lost 110 pounds. I think I lost close to 90 pounds before I even bought new clothes. How pitiful is that?

Trust me when I say that I am not complaining one bit. I don’t see how anybody can lose 110 pounds and keep it off without a gastric bypass. It must take a heck of a lot of willpower and completely changing your lifestyle because the habits you have when you’re obese are definitely not the habits that you need to have to get and stay slim.

I never had those good habits and I never wanted to change my lifestyle, but I did want to lose the weight and in doing so, I did change my lifestyle. I still eat all the foods I want to eat except for the foods that I can’t eat. Truly, the amount that I eat is minuscule compared to how I used to be. My desires did not change and really my exercise habits did not change. But my stomach changed and in doing so, I had to change how much I ate and what things I ate or I was going to be in a lot of pain. I hate pain. It has taken me close to two years to figure out what I can’t eat permanently and how much I can eat at any one meal.

I have been in pretty bad stomach pain many times in the last two years. It’s really just been in the last six months that I have figured these things out and now I am staying conscious when I eat. If I zone out and eat too much, even a couple bites too much, I’m paying for it. If you’ve ever stuffed yourself so bad that you wanna throw up then you know how I feel when I eat two bites bigger than my stomach. It’s not a fun feeling. Thankfully, it does pass because you digest, but while you’re going through it, it’s not any fun.

I have to say, amazingly enough, this was one very big problem that was solved by surgery. It’s been a rough road, but I would do it all over again.