Notes, A Novelette

Chapter 1 – First Day of School

On the first day of my Senior year in high school, I got to school much earlier than usual. I guess I was just so excited to finally be a Senior. The year was 1985 and things were a lot different then. For one, my high school had an outdoor Smoking Lounge. This was where all the kids that smoked (and teachers too) congregated before, during and after school. So when I got to school early that first day, I headed to where I had spent much of the past two years in high school. I didn’t expect anyone to be there that early, so I was pretty surprised when there was a guy standing there watching me approach. I had never seen him, this I knew. The reason I knew this was that he was very striking in his features. I would have remembered seeing this guy before. He had long strawberry blond hair, down to his shoulders, deep blue eyes, a beefy body, very filled out, and he was over six feet tall. He was smoking a cigarette as I approached and when I got close enough, I saw him take out another one, put it in his mouth and light it with the one he had been smoking. Now that was a chain smoker! Considering he was only half-way through with the first. When I was about 20 feet away from him, he held out his hand with the freshly lit cigarette for me. How he knew that I would take it, I still can’t figure. And for him to have lit it for me by putting it in his mouth was nearly too intimate for a stranger to accept. But accept it I did and that was the beginning of this story.

When I saw her walk up, I immediately lost my breath. She was absolutely gorgeous. Tall, probably 5’9” with long brown hair, curled slightly at the ends. She was wearing this cute little mini-skirt outfit that showed off a gorgeous set of legs and a full C-cup of breasts. I thought I might get hard right there and then. I immediately pulled out a cigarette and lit if for her. I didn’t even know if she smoked, but I figured since she was approaching the Smoking Lounge, that I had a good chance at being correct. She took the cigarette and gave me a funny look, kinda like “who the hell are you?”. I smiled at her and she smiled back. I was instantly infatuated. And I didn’t get infatuated, instantly or otherwise.

We didn’t talk much. I said “Thanks” when he handed it to me. And we stood there smoking and looking around. We were both trying to not let the other one see that we were looking each other over. I wasn’t staring, but I was looking to see if I recognized anything about him. Maybe he was the brother of someone I knew or in a different grade, although as large as he was, he looked like he should be in college and not high school. We were only together alone for a couple minutes and then my other friends and other students started showing up. Even as I greeted my friends, I sneaked looks at him every so often. I asked my girlfriends if they had ever seen him and no one could place him. When the bell rang, I headed for the door. As I was opening the door, I felt a hand go above mine and open the door more forcefully. The “mystery” guy was walking in next to me, keeping the door open for me. I smiled shyly and went on my way.

I watched her as she talked to her friends. I tried not to let on that I was watching, which was not all that easy. But I had to look at her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I looked away every time she looked over at me, which I was happy to see was actually quite often. I could tell she was as interested in me as I was with her. I could tell her girlfriends were trying to place who I was. Which, of course, they wouldn’t be able to do. When the bell rang, I walked in to school behind her just so I’d be able to open the door for her. Even at 5’9”, I towered over her. I towered over most kids at this school.

My first class was AP English. I was looking forward to this class as I had had the same teacher in Sophomore year and enjoyed her style of teaching. When I got to class, there was “mystery” guy sitting at the end of the table. For some reason, this teacher always taught her classes with the students sitting around one large rectangular table. I guess she thought there would be more discussion that way. I sat across from him and started busying myself looking at the syllabus Mrs. Cannon had handed out. When the 2nd bell rang for class to begin, she began by introducing “Chris” (no longer “mystery guy”) as a new student to Ladue High School and that she hoped we all made him feel very welcome. I was intrigued. I was just that way. It always made me curious why new students came in the middle of the year or, like Chris, just for Senior Year. Did he get kicked out of his last school? Was he a Juvenile Delinquent?

Before my first class, I discreetly followed her to where she was going just so I could continue to look at her. She went to her locker and quickly exchanged books and left. Locker 223. I hastily took out a piece of notebook paper and scribbled something I thought would get her attention. When she walked into English, I just about choked on my water. I couldn’t believe my luck in our having class together. I wanted to say something, but got all tongue-tied.

When English was over, I had Calculus, but I had to go to my locker to drop off my English books. I had a top floor locker which, for me, was just perfect, as most of my classes were on the top floor. When I got to my locker, I quickly opened it up to find it as empty as I left it at the end of last year. Except for one small piece of paper. It read, “Nice Tits” and nothing else. My mouth opened wide at this audacity. Who put this here? It wasn’t here when I came up before English. Who would have the gall to write such a thing? I was, to say the least, shocked. Someone had a lot of nerve. I’ve got to say too, for the record, I was embarrassed. Usually, I might show an anonymous note to my friends, but not this one. Truth was, I was nicely endowed on top. Something, for which, I took a slight bit of teasing from my friends and family. I knew it was nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn’t as though I needed surgery. But I was a 36C cup with a small waist and hips. So it stood out on me more than it would most, no pun intended.

At any rate, I crumpled the paper up and left in a run for Calculus, to which I was almost late. When I walked in to Mr. Pride’s class, I was flushed and a bit out of breath. Some of the guys sniggered when they saw me breathing heavy and I ignored them as best I could. And then, my breath got taken away again. Chris was sitting in the back row. I looked around for a seat in the first row, where I usually liked to sit, but ended up in the only seat left in the room – right next to that new tall red-head. I had a very difficult time trying to follow everything that Mr. Pride was saying. And not just because I was sitting all the way to the back. I was hyper aware of him the whole 50 minutes. He liked to tap his pencil and chew on it as he concentrated. He was so tall, he barely fit in the chair/desk that was all one unit. I thought I saw him look over at me a few times, but I was not going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me look back at him. I had seen enough, though, to know he was gorgeous. Okay, maybe not to everybody who saw him, but he was definitely my “cat’s meow”. For this reason, I really made an effort to not look his way. I’m bad when it comes to staring at people and it would just not do to have him see me staring at him.

When I saw her walk into Calculus flushed and breathless, I could just tell she had read my note. And didn’t like it. At all. She looked irate when she found the only seat was next to me. I tried to smile, but she didn’t return it. In fact, she didn’t look my way at all. I figured she was in no mood to talk to a “new guy”. But God, she was so pretty. It was really hard to concentrate at all on what the teacher was saying. Good thing it was just the first day.

The only other time I saw him that day, was at lunch. He sat with a bunch of Football players so I surmised that he was a Jock. It didn’t take much for me to figure that out. As large and tall as he was, it was a given that he played football. He was the hot topic of conversation at lunch and out in the Smoking Lounge. Everyone was discussing him. And somehow it got around that I had smoked a cigarette with him. Everyone was abuzz about where he had come from. The girls were all trying to decide if he was good looking in a normal sense or more in a freaky way. I laughed at this conversation. When lunch was over, I went to my locker to get my books for Chemistry and when I opened up the door, a piece of paper, not unlike the first, floated to the ground. I quickly picked it up hoping no one was around who would want to see it. It had 3 words on it: “Nice Legs Too”. What the hell? I was definitely beginning to think I had a stalker, or at the very least, someone who was scoping me out. It was unnerving not knowing who it was sending me these notes. Should I tell my friends about this last one? But wouldn’t I have to tell them about the first one then too, since this note acted as though there was a first? No, I’ll just keep it to myself, I decided. After all, it was harmless, just words on pieces of paper. And when you really thought about it, it was just some guy (I hoped some guy) just giving me compliments that he obviously could not do face-to-face.

I decided to try leaving her another note. I wanted to rattle her cage a little bit. I left it in her locker after 4th hour and watched her retrieve it after 5th hour. God, was I becoming a stalker? This was seriously not like me at all. When I saw her face, full of shock, upon reading the note, I decided maybe I had stepped over the line. I would have to make up for it.

Chapter 2 – First Friday

On the first Friday, after school started, the entire school had a Pep Rally at the end of the day. It was in honor of our first football game. All the Drill Team wore their outfits to school and then we performed for the first time in the Pep Rally. I was so excited. First of all, it was fun to wear the outfit. I got a lot of attention from my friends and also from people I didn’t even know, mostly guys. It consisted of a very short pleated skirt like you would see on a Cheerleader and a clingy white short-sleeved bodice. We also wore bobby socks and saddle shoes. I put my long, light brown hair up in a high ponytail and wore some light blue eyeshadow. I wasn’t much on make-up, but I tried to look my best that day.

I got to school a little early as I had done all week. Like each morning, as I walked to the Smoking Lounge to wait on my friends, I saw Chris sitting length-wise on a bench with his long legs taking up most of it. As I approached, I could tell he recognized me. He smiled slightly and got out a cigarette to light for me. I was still taken aback at how he lit my cigarette in his mouth. Not only was it intimate, it was presumptuous of him. Still, I took it when he offered it to me. He swept his legs off the bench to offer me a seat. I sat down a few feet away from him and smoked.

“So, you’re a cheerleader?”, he asked in a quiet, shy voice.

“Ummm, no, not a cheerleader”, I answered sarcastically.

“Then what?, he asked, fully wanting to know.

“I’m what they call a Pom Pom girl, a Laduette, you know, Drill team”, I said looking over at him.

“Oh. Like the ones that dance with the band?”, he asked, smilingly.

“Yeh, like that….And I take it you are a football player”, he had his jersey on.

“Yeh, I guess that was pretty obvious”, he laughed a little.

“So, where are you from? I mean I know this is your first year here”, I asked.

“I went to Chaminade sophomore and Junior years”, he said, offering little in the way of explanation.

“And so why aren’t you still there?”, now I really did want to know.

“Well, for one, it was all Catholic and I’m not. And for two, I got recruited to come to Ladue”, he said so matter-of-factly.

“Recruited? How does one get recruited to come to a high school? And why would someone get recruited? I’ve never heard of such a thing at the high school level”, I said and looked incredulous.

“Well, they helped us move to the school district and the administration is helping me get to the college that will be best for me. Chaminade wasn’t letting me use all of my abilities, so Ladue just kind of came in and made us an offer”, he sounded as though this was done on a daily basis. But what I knew was that this probably had never been done before. This guy must be some super star football player for them to “recruit” him.

“So, you’re some super star, huh?”, I asked smiling and a bit sarcastic still.

“Oh, I don’t know about that. But I’ve been known to get a touch down or two. Do you play football?”, he asked in all seriousness.

I laughed out loud thinking how I so did not play any team sports. I liked to swim and do gymnastics, but team sports eluded me. “No, can’t say I do. But I like to watch”.

Just then my best friend, Joyce, came up and I introduced them. She said “Hi” to Chris and then smiled at me as though she knew a secret she was just dying to tell. When I looked at her like I thought she was crazy, she excused us to him and pulled me aside about 15 feet away. Chris smiled and looked the other way.

When I saw her coming to the Smoking Lounge early again, I silently offered up a thanks to God. Not that I’m a big believer, but it seemed appropriate in this case. She was stunning in her little cheerleader outfit. I probably shouldn’t have written her a note extolling her “tits”, but god they were knockouts. She wore this tight-fitting white shirt, a little blue and white skirt and her legs were smooth as butter. I lit a cigarette again for her and we actually had a conversation! I couldn’t believe we were actually having a conversation. Too bad her friend had to show up. I was “wow”ed by her animation and sarcastic wit. What was I supposed to say to her? I told her the truth, but she seemed incredulous that Ladue would bend over backwards to get me here. What she didn’t know was how hard I worked at being the best at what I did. I wanted to explain this to her, but there wasn’t time and besides, I’m not sure she wanted to hear anymore about football. Most girls don’t. I could tell she and her friend were talking about me when they moved away. I found a lot of people talking about me, both behind and in front of my back! I tried to just ignore it, but it wasn’t easy. I was used to being talked about, but it was usually in a good sense, not questioningly, like I was experiencing here at Ladue. My Mom told me I just had to give it time. It was like that at Chaminade when I had started there too. Still, I wanted more time with Tina to give her a chance to get to know me. She was all I could think about. I watched her while she talked. She was animated and expressive. I was enthralled. I knew I needed to leave a nicer note today. Maybe I could sneak up there now. After that first day, I had kinda laid low, but now I felt the need to extend myself again.

Joyce said in a whisper, “Do you know who this guy is?” with much emphasis on “is”.

“No, just some new football player from Chaminade”, I whispered back, starting to look bewildered.

“No, Tina, he’s not just some football player. He is the football player. The one who is supposed to turn the whole game of Ladue football on its’ ear! Heck, he’s being groomed as the next Heisman Trophy winner! And he’s got like 10 schools wanting him to play for them. He’s already been offered full scholarships to five of them!”.

When she ended, I merely said, “You’re shitting me” as though I really thought she was. It wouldn’t have been the first time she tried to pull my leg.

Joyce shook her head and mouthed “No”.

I turned back around to look at Chris and he still sat there on the bench like nothing was better than watching two girls talk. Had he known what we were talking about, he might have gotten up and left. Or he might have just sat there and smiled. All I knew was that now I was frightfully aware that I could no longer talk to him. I knew I would get all tongue-tied and blush. He was out of my league – way out of my league. I was definitely intrigued, but I wasn’t going to be able to find out more from him. I would just have to rely on the gossip mill.

When my other friends started arriving, they too were chatty with gossip about him. I was told that he lived with just his mother and they were poor, but that the school got her a better paying job and a nice house to live in in the district. He supposedly had been an All-American star at Chaminade, but the bigger Universities wanted him to play 6A football, so Ladue stepped in. He was also purported to be very smart. Well, this I knew because we had Advanced Placement English and Calculus together, two of the harder Senior classes. All the time that we stood there smoking and gossiping, Chris stood friendless and alone. He smiled and looked around, but I could tell he felt like he was being stared at and talked about. I saw him leave the Lounge and felt sorry for him, but had no way to convey this. I was just not going to be able to talk to him or even be all that friendly. I was way too intimidated to have anything to do with him. I thought it was too bad that his football buddies weren’t here to keep him company. And then I wondered why he was smoking if he was this great athlete. I mean, no jocks ever came to the Smoking Lounge. Wasn’t that an oxymoron? Smoking and football?

When the bell rang for classes, I hurried in to get my English book that I’d left overnight in my locker. I ran, as my locker was no where near the classroom and I only had a few minutes to get there in time. I opened my locker in a hurry and grabbed for my English book. When I was about to slam my locker shut and run, I noticed a small white folded piece of paper on the floor. As I knew the second bell was going to sound at any minute, I gathered up the note, slammed the locker and ran as fast as I could to class. It took a few minutes to gain my bearings and breath, once I reached the class. The only seat left was smack dab next to Chris. I took it and busied myself in getting out my vocabulary words homework from last night. Once I handed this in and while Mrs. Cannon was taking roll and making announcements, I opened up the note that I had retrieved from my locker. I wondered if it was from the same person as the first two. The paper was similar, but this one was folded like a flag would be. Over and over in a triangle and the end tucked into the last fold. I held it beneath the table so no one would see, which made it more difficult for me to read. In the same clear, hard hand-writing, these words had been carefully thought out and placed:

“I didn’t mean to imply that those two areas were the only nice ones about you. I think you are beautiful both outside and in. I’m sorry I’m too shy to leave my name. But I’ve enjoyed our early morning smokes”

I immediately blushed ten shades of pink. I didn’t know what to do. I was sitting next to and had been smoking with a guy who thought and told me that not only were my tits nice and my legs nice, but he thought I was beautiful? Oh my God! And he could see me reading the note right next to him. I was so busted. I had never been this busted in my whole entire puny life. I turned slightly, ever so slightly to see if he was looking at me. I tried to use my peripheral vision as best I could. I did NOT want to look at this person. I did NOT want him to see me looking at him. Thankfully, he was not looking at me, but at the teacher who was right then calling on my name. Oh, for chrissakes, I needed help! I told Mrs. Cannon to please call on someone else, that I was distracted, and she complied, but gave me a look like that was the one time and only one time she would let me off the hook. She called on Chris next and he gave the answer, which when I heard it, knew it was an easy answer to give, one in which I could have easily answered had I not been so confounded. I folded the note back up hastily and put it in my purse, which was thankfully under the table in front of me. I tried to put it from my mind, but was unable to for any length of time. My heart never slowed down that whole period.

I went to the Girl’s Room after English and quickly read it again. Okay, I thought, he was too shy to leave his name, but he mentions “our early morning smokes”? Like, I’m not going to know exactly who that is? What was I supposed to do about this? What if it was a prank some friend of mine was playing on me? I couldn’t just confront Chris with this, if that were the case. And worse, what if it wasn’t a prank? What if he really felt this way? I couldn’t date another football star. Steve had been more than any girl should have to endure in one lifetime. No, I’d just have to forget about this note. Act as though I never got it (which, of course, he already knew I had). Just put him and his tall, lanky, masculine, demi-god body out of my mind. As I put the note back in my purse to go to Calculus, I wondered why I didn’t just throw it away.

Once again, I was so late to Calculus that I ended up sitting in the back, thankfully not next to Chris, but two seats over. While Mr. Pride was working through last night’s homework, I saw out of the corner of my eye, a tall, lanky red-head lean over and look at me full on. I was leaning over my homework, correcting an error and without even thinking about it, turned my head and stared straight into his mesmerizing blue eyes. He grinned, a kinda lopsided grin and stared back. I quickly blushed and turned my head to stare straight ahead at the blackboard. I was mortified. He knew I knew. He knew I knew he liked my “tits” and my “legs” and everything else about me. What audacity this guy had to send me these notes! How could he even show his face to me? What kind of guy would tell a girl he doesn’t even know that he likes her “tits”? I supposed the kind that could already be playing football for a college team, if he so chose. A guy who probably has never been turned down for anything in his life! Man, the nerve of this guy. I felt, right then, that I should just fucking “out” him for what he’s done and who he is. That would teach him a lesson! But I wasn’t sure I wanted to have the whole school talking about me too. So, “mums the word” was going to have to be my motto. I was not going to “out” him or approach him or have anything more to do with him. I was not going to get to school early to have a “smoke” with him. I was not going to even look at him. He was a non-entity to me from this moment on. Yeh, right.

I could tell she’d gotten my note, but she looked angry and shocked, not complimented at all. What had I said wrong now? Even angry, she was stunning. I couldn’t help but look at her. I was hoping she’d look back. When she did, I couldn’t help but grin at her. I needed to get her alone so I could explain myself. I didn’t send the notes to make her angry with me. I sent them because I think she’s beautiful and I wanted her to know. I guess you could call me a “secret admirer”, although after that last note, she probably knew who it was. Should I have kept my identity a secret? What good would that have done?

When the Drill Team went into the Rally, we went in marching at first to our music. We got into formation and the music died for just a minute. When it came back on, it was much louder and we started moving to our routine. We had practiced this routine all summer long, so we were well rehearsed and very ready to put on a show. When we were done, the whole basketball court full of students and teachers came alive. They were clapping, yelling, cheering and otherwise whooping it up. The Drill Team was jumping up and down with our pom poms and waving to the crowd. I was overwhelmed by how many people there were and how much of a high the whole experience gave me. We had performed so well. I was so proud to be out there, amongst the older girls as one of an elite group. We finally went over and sat down across from the Football players, who were the real celebrities of the show. When I sat down, I got a chill up my spine. I didn’t know why I was feeling this as it wasn’t cold. If anything I was sweating from the activity of the performance and my nervousness. I was looking down at my feet and, all of a sudden, I whipped my head up to look in front of me. He was staring right into my eyes. At first, I just stared back and then I found my shyness and looked away. I looked up to the bleachers to distract myself. The Principal was starting to introduce the players and I smiled as each one got introduced. We were all waving our poms around for each player. I decided it was safe to look over at him and pulled my face to meet where I knew he was sitting. He was still staring at me! Even though all his teammates were being called up one at a time, he continued to look at me. And then I noticed something. His eyebrows were furrowed, like he was upset about something. And then they called his name and the spell was broken. He jumped up as quick as lightning, gave an All-American smile, waved and walked out to center stage. He got more cheers than any other player, well actually more than all the other players combined. By this time, everyone in school knew this guy was our ticket to State Finals.

I couldn’t help looking at her. I knew I was staring, but I’m telling you I couldn’t help looking. I found her unbelievably good looking. I almost missed the coach calling out my name. I could hear the cheers for me. I always heard the cheers, but I could have cared less. If I could just have time alone with Tina, I would give up all the cheers and adulation. I figured, by now, the whole school knew who I was and why I was there. But, it didn’t matter to me. I was there to simply get myself into the college of my choice. And to meet this breathtaking girl of my dreams.

The next day, Saturday, the Drill Team performed again at the Football Game during half-time. It wasn’t quite as climactic as the Pep Rally, but it was a good performance and I was happy to be at the game. It was fun to sit with my friends after half-time and dish the football players. I hadn’t said anything to anyone about the notes. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. I was hoping that if I acted like I had never received them, then maybe this would all go away.

That night, Anne wanted to crash some parties, see what we could find. I was game as I had nothing else going on. We dressed at my house, ate some pizza for dinner and drove to the first party around 9:00 pm. We saw a long line of cars outside this one guy’s house, so we knew we were onto the right place. Anne always came up with good information on parties, that night and the rest of our high school days. When we walked into the basement where we heard the loud music and general noise coming from, we were met with an onslaught of kids. They were drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, laughing, partying and some were even dancing. I followed Anne as she moved through the tight knit of party-goers, afraid I might lose her if I didn’t stick by her side. As we were working our way to where we thought the keg was located, I was suddenly caught by the arm. I quickly looked up to see what or rather who was grabbing me and I saw his eyes first. Those beautiful blue, lash-filled eyes. Once again, he immediately looked at me like I was edible. I said, “Excuse me?”, before I saw who it was and then, “Oh, hi” as nicely as I could, given he had my arm and wasn’t letting go.

“Hey, who did you come with?”, he asked, or rather barked as it was so loud we had to yell to be heard.

“My friend, Anne”, I yelled back.

He let go of my arm and I said, “Hold on, I need to get my friend”, and I raced off as fast I could go, seeing as it was wall to wall people, to find Anne. After I waded through four or five people, I gave up. She was gone, left me, and now I was really getting worried. Not only had I lost her, I didn’t know hardly anyone at the party.

I stood stock still looking for Anne and felt completely dejected by my situation, when I heard in my ear, “Did your friend desert you?”.

I turned around and looked up into Chris’s eyes and said, “Yeh, I’m afraid she has. Or maybe we’re just lost from each other”.

I looked back around and he said, “Here, come with me”. When I looked wary, he said, “It’ll be ok. I think I know where she may have gone”, trying to be reassuring.

He made his way easily through the crowd with me behind him. He kept a hold on my wrist in his hand like he was trying to make sure I didn’t wander off from him. We made it over to the closest keg and, sure enough, there was Anne! I went up to her and she was as happy to see me as I was to see her. Chris dropped his mouth to Anne’s ear and told her something.

She smiled and nodded to him “that’s fine”. Then she said to me, “I’ll find you later. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. He really wants to talk to you by himself. Ok?”. I tried to look as stricken as I could, but she was totally ignoring the hints I was trying to give off. I was afraid to be anywhere near him. But as she sauntered off, I knew I couldn’t truly get out of talking to him unless I wanted to be completely rude.

I looked up into his eyes and he said/screamed “Hey! Let’s get out of here so we can talk, ok?”. What could I do? Should I have said “No!”? Instead of being brave, I merely nodded. He told me to follow him and I did. There was something about him, not just his brilliant looks, but something nice that made me feel as though I could trust him. So when he went outside, I followed him out. He made his way to the back patio where there were some patio chairs strewn around. We were the only ones out there and the night was balmy. I was glad just to be rid of all the people from the party. I liked parties, but that one was just too crowded for my tastes. He sat down and invited me to sit in a chair next to him.

“Thanks”, I said quietly. I sipped my beer and enjoyed the night air.

“So, you got my notes?”, he said tentatively.

“Yes, I got them”, I said, not looking at him.

“And?”, he asked.

“And what?”, I asked back somewhat abrasively, not wanting to even talk about this subject.

“Well, I just thought you might have a different reaction than just, ‘Yes, I got them’”.

“So, you want me to comment on how it made me feel to have a guy, who I barely even know, tell me I have ‘nice tits’?”, I asked sarcastically.

Chris let out a whoop of laughter and said, “Yeh, I guess that would maybe throw you off. But I didn’t mean to offend you…”. When he saw I was not following in on the laughter he quieted down.

“Well, whether you did or didn’t, it was offensive”, I said straight-faced and got up to leave.

“Hey, don’t leave! Look, I’m sorry. I take it back”, he said apologetically.

“Then I don’t have nice tits?”, I asked looking down on him.

“No! I mean yes! Well, I don’t know what I mean. Just don’t leave. I’ve been working up to talking to you all week”, he pleaded.

“Liquid courage, eh”, I pointed to his cup.

“Yeh, something like that”, and then he smiled up at me sweetly.

“Look, your last note was very nice. But, I’m not interested”.

“And why not, may I ask?”.

“So, is it so hard to believe that I might not be attracted to you? I’ll bet most girls just swoon over you”, I said with emphasis.

“Swoon?”, he asked smiling.

“Yeh, you know. Faint, pass out, lose your faculties!”

Chris started to laugh again. “I know what swoon means. I’ve just never heard anyone actually use the term…..No, girls don’t ‘swoon’ over me”.

“Thanks for getting me the beer”, I said and began to walk away.

“What are you so afraid of?”, he said provocatively.

I turned around and spat, “Nothing. Least of all you”.

“Then why can’t you just sit here and talk to me?”. Was that sadness that I detected in his voice?

“Why should I”, I asked and wished I could take it back as soon as it came out. It was mean and petty and I should learn some manners about how to treat new kids at school, football star or not.

“Because I don’t know that many people. Just the football players and they bore me. I was hoping we could be friends. Would that be so bad?”, and when he ended I knew it had been sadness I had detected because I heard it again in this statement and in his voice.

I walked back over and sat down. “I guess not”. And after a pause, “So, are you not meeting people from your classes?”, I tried to be helpful.

Laughing, Chris said, “Yeh, right. Oh, I hear lots of people talking about me. But no one seems to want to talk to me”. He looked off into the distance.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I would have thought you’d be Mr. Popular by now. I’m sure as you continue to win games for us, you’ll have plenty of friends”.

“Yeh, just not the kind of friends I want”, he said still staring off. Then he perked up some and said, “So, did you see the game today?”.

“Yes”, I replied. Where was this going? Please tell me he wasn’t going to regale me with a bunch of football talk.

“Did you see the last touchdown?”, he asked smiling.

“Yes, I saw you score. It was kinda hard to miss it”, I responded sarcastically.

“What’s that mean”, he asked honestly.

“It means you are 6 foot, have this wild reddish hair and are bigger than any other guy out on that field!”, I laughed. There was no way anyone could miss him running down that field today, carrying the winning touchdown with him.

Chris merely responded, “Six foot two”.

“Excuse me, six foot two”, I smiled.

“There were scouts from Michigan and Notre Dame in the bleachers”, he said pensively.

“Should I be impressed?”, I asked straight-faced.

“No, not if you aren’t. I wasn’t trying to impress you”, he said defensively.

“Look, I know you are this big hotshot football player. The whole school knows it. I’m sorry, but the fact that you can play a game doesn’t do a whole lot for me”.

“Just a game, huh”, he said and smiled.

“Yeh, been there, done that”, I said and regretted saying it immediately.

“What’s that mean? Been there, done what?”, he asked.

“Nothing, I shouldn’t have said it”, I quipped.

“Tell me…please”, he said softly.

“It’s just that I dated Steve Smith when he was a Senior and I was a Sophomore”.

“Steve Smith? As in the Steve Smith?”, he asked incredulously.

“Yes” and looked away.

“Wow, so now you’re the celebrity!”, he smirked.

“What? For going out with him? You’ve got to be kidding!”, I laughed.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to offend”, he said out of the corner of his mouth.

“Again”, I said spitefully.

After a short pause, Chris asked “So what was he like?”.

“You mean besides arrogant, smart and totally popular?”, I replied uninterestedly.

“Yeh, besides that”.

“Well, he was very talented. Probably one of the best quarterbacks to ever come from Ladue. Problem was, he knew it. And, he was a terrible boyfriend as boyfriends go”.

“How so?”

“Well, the concept of monogamy completely eluded him. We broke up several times. Basically, every time he strayed and I found out about it”, I said and sighed.

“And you forgave him?” he asked, looking a bit undone by this information.

“Yes, unfortunately”, I said and frowned.

“And you can’t forgive me for a note?”, he asked with wide eyes.

“I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“Touche”and he smiled.

“So, no offense, but I’ve had my fill of football stars”, I stated.

“And you think I’m just like Steve was”, he stated, squinting his eyes in anger.

“Pretty sure, yep”, I answered back.

“That’s a little prejudicial, don’t you think?”, he asked.

“Maybe. Hey, I’m going to get another beer” and I stood up to go.

“Sure, I’ll come with you”, and he was up next to me. God, but he did tower over me. As we went inside, I felt him put his hand on my back to guide me. It was a curious thing to do given we both could only move a couple feet any which way, but it made me feel warm to have him so near. Once we got our beers refilled, we made our way back outside. When we got back to the patio chairs, he said, “So, can we talk about your prejudices a little bit more?” and he pulled out a smoke and lit it for me.

I took it from him and replied, “No. I don’t really think we need to”.

“Why not? I think I should be able to defend myself to you”, he said quite consternated.

“What’s there to defend? And why should you feel the need to”, I asked curiously.

“Well, for one, I’ve never even had a girlfriend and I don’t think I would be unfaithful. That’s just not who I am. Secondly, I don’t think I’m all that arrogant. I’m confident, I know my strengths and weaknesses. But I don’t flaunt myself. And I’m not popular at all”.


“Look, you can look for reasons to turn me away, but all you’re doing is putting off the inevitable”, he smiled.

I looked at him in shock and said, “How do you figure?”.

“I figure that we are both very attracted to each other and that won’t just go away”, he said and lit up a cigarette for himself. He looked at me through those enormous blue eyes and wouldn’t look away even when I blushed and looked out into the distance.

“Yeh, well maybe. But when I make up my mind about something, I’m pretty stubborn….Look, it’s been nice talking to you. You seem very nice, I’ll give you that. I hope you make some friends soon. You probably should go back into the party. I’m going to find my friend and get going. I’ll see you at school on Monday”, and I got up to leave for the 2nd time. He didn’t try to stop me this time.

“Yeh, same to you. I enjoy sharing my cigs with you” and he smiled a sweet closed-lip smile.

I smiled back and said “Have a nice night…”.

Wow! Finally! I got to talk to her. And even though it wasn’t the best outcome, it was still a beginning. A beginning to something great. I can’t believe she dated Steve Smith. It sounded like now she hates all football players. But, I’ll change her mind. In fact, I may have started doing that tonight. I can’t believe she was here! God, she was so pretty tonight. Shit! I forgot to tell her that. Well, now that she knows it’s me leaving her notes, I’ll just have to write a few more! I can’t wait until Monday…

Chapter 3 – Notes

I saw Chris Monday morning in the Smoking Lounge, but made sure I didn’t get there any earlier than all my other friends did. He nodded his head to me when he saw me look at him and I smiled slightly, just enough so he knew I saw him too. I didn’t want to be mean. I knew he was lonely, it was evident in the way he stood alone, in the way he looked slightly forlorn. I wanted to introduce my friends, but just didn’t feel like I could. I did not want to encourage more friendship between us. I knew how badly it would all turn out if I did. Later that day, I got the first of several “notes” that week. This first one read,

“I’m sorry if I offended. Please let me make it up to you”

I just stood there shaking my head. This guy was not going to get it through his skull that I wasn’t interested! I continued to sit across from him in English and Calculus and willed myself to not look his way, no matter how much he stared at me. And he seemed to take great joy in staring at me. And not always at my face, either. On Tuesday, there was a little origami “note” in my locker. The first thing I wondered was how he actually got it into my locker without opening the door. Or was he opening up my locker? At any rate, this note read:

“Will you stay until after practice and let me buy you an ice cream?”

I decided to just ignore it as I had with the one on Monday. I figured this was the only way to get through to him. He was arrogant, he just didn’t know it. On Wednesday, bafflingly, he sent me this note:

“I missed you yesterday, how about today? I’m not giving up”

Jesus, what did I have to do to get her attention? She wouldn’t hardly even look at me in class. And she’s so smart. I should have known that, given we are in AP classes together. I like that. A smart and beautiful girl. When will she finally give in?

God, the audacity of this guy! I finally broke down and told Joyce, my best friend, about the notes. She was shocked at my response! “How can you not get together with him?”, she asked. “He’s so smart and cute and, oh my god, what a body! You’re crazy not to go out with him. Is this about Steve?” and I looked at her with more sadness etched on my face than anyone should ever have to feel. She hugged me and told me she understood, but she really felt I needed to let go of that whole fiasco and move on. And as she said, “Who better to do that with than Chris?”. Problem was, I knew she was right, but I was still so scared of opening up to anyone romantically. Steve had so hurt me with his philandering and then trying to date him long distance. That really was a bummer. I knew he was going out with girls in college, but since I wasn’t there I couldn’t prove it. He was such a liar and not even a particularly adept one. So, in thinking it over and deciding to take baby steps, I waited for Chris outside the locker room after his practice. It helped that I had Drill Team practice that day too, so I didn’t actually have to wait all that long. When he saw me standing there, he looked right, left and then at me and said, “Are you waiting for me?”. He looked incredulous.

“Yes”, I laughed and smiled slightly.

“Great! So, do you want to go get ice cream, then?”

“Yeh, that would be nice”, I said and started walking towards the parking lot with him.

“Do you like BR?”, he asked as he opened the school door for me.

“I love BR” and we walked in silence for a few steps.

“So how did practice go?”, I asked to be polite and to have something to say.

“Oh, it was ok. They don’t want me to “strain” myself too much. Kinda save it up for gameday, you know?”, he said and looked like it was all a joke.

“Really, so what did you do?”, I asked and actually wanted to know the answer.

“Mostly sat around. The 2nd quarterback threw the ball and I caught. And I did some running, training, that sort of thing”, he said and looked like he really did not want to discuss football, so I dropped it.

He continued, “You know that English assignment? I’m having some difficulties figuring out some of the answers to her questions. Do you think we could do it together?”, he asked and smiled at me when he was done. I couldn’t tell if he was just saying this to get to spend more time with me or if it were really true. I decided to take him at his word.

“Sure. Do you want to call me tonight and we can hash it out over the phone?”, I asked. He pulled out of the school lot and said, “Sure. Or I could come over and we could do it together that way”. He smiled when he said this.

“Ok, how about 8:30?”, I asked and wondered if I was crazy once again.

“Yeh, that sounds great”, he said and continued to smile.

When we got to BR, he asked me what I wanted and I got my favorite, a Jamocha Almond Fudge cone. He got Butter Brickle (my second favorite) and we sat down outside to eat. We didn’t talk very much as we licked and ate our ice creams. We sat on a park bench and he kept scooting over to be closer to me. It was pretty funny, as he tried to be sly and not let me see what he was doing, but I knew better. Finally, he was so close he put his arm around the top of the bench, behind my back. He wasn’t actually touching me, but it was too close nevertheless. I finished my cone quickly and jumped up to throw away the napkins. He got up and did the same and took me back to school, where my car was parked. We talked about English on the way back and both agreed that he would come over at 8:30 to work on the questions she had given us. We were reading “Romeo and Juliet” and most of the class was befuddled by Shakespeare’s style of writing. When I got out of his truck, I said “Well, thanks again for the ice cream. This was nice”. And meant it.

Chris replied, “Yeh, you’re welcome. I’ll see you tonight then?”.

“It’s a plan”, I replied and closed the door. He sat there watching me as I got into my car. I couldn’t help wondering if his new Ford 250 was also a “gift” from the school. After I left the school parking lot, I realized he didn’t know where I lived and I hadn’t told him. Could he figure it out? Or would he call me totally lost? I laughed thinking about that. I wouldn’t mind seeing him totally befuddled! He was so sure of himself 95% of the time. I liked the thought of him being unsure, self-conscious, any embarrassing emotion. I decided that that would be a goal of mine. To bring him down a notch. Make him, at least a little bit, unsure of himself.

I got a date! Well, maybe not a real date, but a study date nonetheless. Geez, I could have just kissed her right there and then when we were having ice cream. The way she licked her cone just about drove me crazy! I can’t wait to go to her house to study English. I so made that up about not understanding the homework problems. But hey, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. And I have to see her more. I hope we don’t study in the living room around her family. I want to be alone with her. I dream about being alone with her. Good thing, I followed her home on Monday to see where she lives. Good thinking on my part!

When 8:30 rolled around, I heard the doorbell ring and silently swore to myself. Not only was he punctual, but he’d found my house with no problems. I heard my mother open the door and Chris introduce himself. My mother called me and as she did this, I showed up in the front foyer. I smiled at Chris and escorted him back to my room. I had cleaned up especially for him. I sat on the floor and invited him to sit next to me. I got out the homework assignment and he pulled his out of his backpack. We sat there for an hour going over what we thought the answers to these subjective questions should be. We made sure that our answers weren’t exactly alike as we didn’t know if it was okay to answer them together. At the end of that hour, we both felt sure we had come up with some decent answers. We actually made a good team. He seemed to understand the parts that I did not and vice verse. Some of it made us blush and then we would laugh and turn away from each other. He would always be the one to look back first though. God, he was so confident. Once, when we were laughing about something someone had said in class that was truly funny, he turned toward me, reached over and put his hand on my leg. It wasn’t a big gesture. It was a test. To see what I would do. To see if I would object. To see if he had a chance. And I’m sure when I didn’t move his hand or slap him in the face or get up quickly, he took it as a good sign. A sign he could progress. The next thing I knew he had moved closer to me and was leaning over me. I looked into his deep, blue eyes and smiled up at him. He leaned over further and kissed me lightly on my lips. Again, being very careful to not push me too far or too fast. I kissed him back. I gave him permission. At that point, I didn’t know for what, but I knew I wanted to find out more. I wanted to know what he tasted like. I wanted to know what he felt like. All over. Everywhere. Once I kissed him back, he furthered his advance by putting his arm around me and pulling me even closer to him. He opened his mouth over mine as he pulled me even closer. It came in such sweet, slow stages that I never saw what hit me. He used his tongue to excite and stimulate me. He kissed me in slow, deep circles, darting his tongue around my tongue, reaching in and licking the top of my mouth. I heard him moan, “mmmmm”. All the while, pulling me towards him so that our bodies were closer and closer. Until I was straddling his legs, sitting up on him. I came up for air and was breathing so fast and heavy, I thought I was hyper-ventilating. He smiled at me and put his arms around me, holding me against him.

“Hi”, I said, shyly.

“Hi”, he replied back.

“I think that’s enough for one night”.

“You do?”, he asked and I could see his smile start to fade a bit.

“Yeh, I do” and I laughed and smiled.

“Okay, yeh, maybe so”, he said and furrowed his brows in defeat. He pushed me up and I adjusted my pants. He got up and stood looking down at me.

“Thanks for helping me with English”, he said softly.

“No problem, it helped me too”, I said equally as soft.

“So, then, I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”, he inquired.

“Yes, of course. I’ll see you then”. And he gathered his books into his book bag. I showed him out and said good night again at his truck. I could tell he did not want to leave. There was a part of me that wanted him to stay a lot longer, but I just couldn’t. I needed more time to get used to this. I needed to know his constancy. Unfortunately, I needed to test him. I didn’t trust him as far as I could throw him, which wasn’t far at all. I wanted to trust him, but I just couldn’t. When I went to bed that night, that one glorious kiss stayed on my mind until I drifted off to sleep.

Damn! I wanted so much more of her. She stopped us right when things were getting good. God, she’s so soft, but hard at the same time. I want to feel her up and feel her down, if you know what I mean. I know she wants to take it slow. I could read it all over what she was and wasn’t saying. I want to get her as hot and bothered as she gets me. I know I have to give it time, but I’m so damned impatient.

Chapter 4 – More Notes

I showed up early to see if Chris would be waiting in the Smoking Lounge for me. He was. He lit a cigarette as soon as he saw me and I gladly accepted. Having kissed him at least made me feel less self-conscious about taking a smoke from his lips. God, what beautiful lips he had! They were soft and pink and he had a slight attempt at a mustache growing above them. That little bit of hair turned me on. Well, actually, truth be told, most everything about Chris turned me on. But I wasn’t about to divulge this little tidbit of information. We talked about Calculus homework and he asked me what other classes I took. We compared our schedules. We also had lunch at the same hour. He usually sat with the other football players who ate at that time. I ate with my group of friends. When the other kids started arriving, I moved to talk to my friends. I felt bad about this. I knew I should try to introduce him. I even knew my friends would accept him, jock or not. But I just wasn’t ready. For one, I didn’t want to share him with my girlfriends. I knew they would dote and generally go ga-ga over him. I thought my guy friends might be a little intimidated by him also. Hell, everyone in school was intimidated by him. Why should my friends be any different? Yet, I knew they were different. Even though they might be intimidated, they would still welcome him to our group. That was just how things were in my clique of friends.

When the bell rang, we walked to English together. We didn’t really talk, just walked. I still sat across from him, but we shared a few glances and smiles during class. We handed in our homework and he winked at me. I blushed and looked away. When 1st hour was over, we went to Calculus and sat next to each other in back. No one questioned this as we had been sitting either next to each other or both in the back row all semester. He kept looking over at me, which I could see out of the corner of my eye. I tried to ignore this and concentrate on what Mr. Pride was talking about. Finally, I looked over and he motioned for me to lean towards him to hear what he wanted to tell me. He whispered in my ear, “have lunch with me today”. I nodded and looked back at the blackboard. My heart started to beat a tad bit harder. Just by hearing his voice in my ear. His hot breath on my cheek. And he had no idea of his effect on me. I was putty in his hands and he was clueless.

I went to my locker before lunch, to switch out books and as I opened the door, I saw a white origami note swish to the ground. I picked it up, knowing full well who it was from. This note said:

“Being with you is like being in a room filled with sunshine and strawberries”

Wow! I slumped against my closed locker. This was, by far, the nicest note of all. Actually, it might have been the nicest thing any guy had ever said to me. Steve had never been all that romantic. Oh, he would do the usual things a boyfriend did. He would buy me flowers on Valentines day. Get me a card and a gift on my birthday. Just nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing that wasn’t tried and true. He wasn’t unthinking, he was just so staid. These notes that Chris was putting in my locker were so overtly romantic, so thoughtful. I could tell he had put some thought into this last one. God, now I had to see him and eat with him at lunch. Should I simply feign knowledge of this note? Should I thank him? I was confused as to how to handle this.

When I saw him, though, I knew what to do. We went through the lunch line talking about our classes so far today. People stared at us, well mostly at him, as we made our way to a table at the back. I guess we both agreed non-verbally, that we wanted to sit alone. When we sat down to eat, I pulled out the note and said, “Someone is leaving me love notes”. Simply put, but also a dare.

“Really? Any idea who they are from?”, he quipped back. He didn’t look at me, but he had a mischievous little smile on his face.

“Actually, I was thinking it was from a guy in my Calc class. He seems very taken with me”, I smiled but didn’t look at him either.

“Well, if I were you, I’d certainly pursue him. He sounds like a keeper”, he smirked.

“You think? I was thinking of reporting him. I mean he could be a stalker. And somehow, he’s getting into my locker, which is a big infringement of my right to privacy. Yeh, I think I’ll have to talk to the Principal about this”, I said and tried not to laugh outright.

“Well, if you want, I could talk to the culprit. See what his deal is. See if he’s on the up and up”, he put out.

“Would you do that for me? That would be so nice of you…And while you’re at it, could you tell him that the one I got today is really the best so far?”, I asked, making him smile even bigger, if that were possible.

“I’d be glad to do that for you. And I’ll let him know what you said. I’m sure he’d be happy to hear you liked the notes”, he murmured in his rich, baritone voice. I looked up at him then and I swear, if we hadn’t been situated in a huge room filled with eating kids, we would have leaped over that table to ravish each other. As it was, we would just have to simmer and steam the rest of that day.

Fuck! I loved when she and I had these sweet/sarcastic little conversations. I found out she really did like the note I sent earlier today. I know she knows I want her. I swear I would have fucked her right there on the lunch room table had nobody been there to watch! We need to have some alone time. I’m starting to get hard just thinking about that. I hope she waits for me after practice.

I waited for him until his practice was over. We went out to his truck and sat talking and kissing until I had to go home for dinner. His kisses made up for having to wait all day. He was passionate and gentlemanly all at the same time. He never made me feel as though he were just trying to move past kissing. Yet his kisses were so full of warmth and sex that I couldn’t help wonder when he would try to move on. He moved his hands over my long hair, up and down my back, on either side of my face so he could position me to where he wanted. He never stopped moving his hands and arms over me. When he asked me to sit on his lap, I jumped. Well, not literally, but figuratively and within an instant, I was there. I dug into him a little to make him hot. I wanted him hot and bothered. I wanted him to lose control. But, he never did. He continued to kiss me deeply and longingly, but wouldn’t stray from that one delight. By the time I had to leave, I was itching for him. I knew he was hard, but he acted as though that was just fine, no problem. The most he did past kissing was rub his hands down the sides of my body, coming very close to the sides of my breasts. It drove me crazy!

Chapter 5 – First Date

On Thursday, Chris showed up at my house to drive me to school. I smiled and got into his truck. He stopped for coffees and bought me a Hazelnut Cappuccino, my favorite. When we got to school, we smoked and talked. When my friends saw this, they came over and introduced themselves to him. I was glad he was finally meeting them, even if the reception from the guys was lukewarm. The girls, of course, pretty much fawned all over him. They wanted to know all about Chaminade and he delivered. He said he had a friend throwing a party that weekend and invited them to go, thus securing himself as a friend. No one could help wanting to hear about a party. I just wondered why he hadn’t told me. When the bell rang, we walked to English together. He was quiet. I got the feeling he wanted to ask me something, but he never did. I decided I was not going to ask myself to his friend’s party. He could ask me or I wouldn’t go. The last thing I wanted was to take control of this “relationship”.

After lunch, I found a rolled up note in my locker and smiled. As I unrolled it, I saw a familiar “chicken scratch” handwriting. The note read:

“Chris McIntyre requests the honor of your presence this Saturday, at 7:00 pm, for

dinner and partying”

I knew he would eventually ask me out, I just didn’t think it would be like this. And even though his note was sweet and romantic, I couldn’t help but feel gypped that he hadn’t asked me personally. So, I decided to make him sweat. I ended up putting a note in his locker that said, “Call me!”. I also did not wait for him that afternoon to get done with practice. Instead, I asked my friend, Mark, to give me a ride home.

Call me? Was this her way of turning down my invitation for a date? Sometimes Tina could be so difficult.

Later, when the phone rang, I was pretty sure I knew who it was.

I answered, “Hello?”, with a slight lilt in my voice.

“Hi…I missed you after practice”, said in a low, sensual tone of voice.

“Yeh, I decided to just get a ride home with a friend”.

“Ok….Now, about that note you left me…”, he said questioningly.

“Yes?”, I answered back coyly.

“Well, I’m calling you”, sounding a bit exasperated.

“So you are….Chris, I got your invitation, but to tell the truth, I’d really rather you ask me out yourself…Don’t get me wrong. I like the notes, well most of them. But, I don’t want you to use them in lieu of talking to me”.

“So, no more notes then…”, he said quietly.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to ask me out, officially. Not through a note”, I said and tried to sound sweet.

“Fine….” and I heard a deep breath, “Will you go out with me on Saturday?”.

“I’d love to”, I purred.

“Where would you like to have dinner?”

“I’d like…..for you to surprise me”, I said laughing.

“Okay, I’ll pick you up around 7:00 then?”

“That sounds nice. So how did your practice go?”, I asked to divert the conversation from us.

“Grueling, actually. Hey, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay? I’m beat and I’ve still got tons left to do tonight”, and he did sound tired now.

“Oh, ok. See you there then. Bye…”

“Bye”, he said and I heard the familiar click of a phone being hung up. I couldn’t help, but feel he was mad at me. It didn’t seem like him to be so abrupt. But, I didn’t yet know him all that well. Still, he had sounded miffed when he finally asked me out. I’d just have to wait and see. And then I realized he had not mentioned the party. Maybe he would only take me out to dinner? Maybe he wouldn’t even show up for that. Had what I’d said been that insulting? Or just irritating.

She really could be trying. Why couldn’t I ask her out with a note? Why did it always have to be her way or no way? It didn’t help that practice was long and trying too today. Maybe I was just tired and edgy. I was looking forward to our date and being alone with her. I know she wanted to go to the party. I could read it in her face when I talked about it. But I’d rather just be with her. Why did girls always have to have their way?

The next morning, I looked for him before school, but he was nowhere around. I thought that was weird seeing as he was always in the smoking lounge before school. He wasn’t in English either. I wondered if he was sick. That could have been why he was short with me last night. But, he was in Calculus, so he wasn’t ill. I smiled at him and he smiled back. He was saving my regular chair for me. I sat down and said, “Where were you?”.

“Meeting with Notre Dame”, he replied quietly.

“Oh! Are you thinking of going there next year?”

“That and about 10 other schools”, he said and blushed a bit.

“Really? And how will you decide?”, I asked.

“All depends on who gives me the best deal”.

“The best deal?”, I’d never heard of anyone getting a “deal” from a University.

“Yeh, you know. Like scholarships, living, driving, room and board expenses. Also, who will start me as a Freshman”, he replied matter-of-factly.

“Start, as in playing Football?”, I asked, stupidly.

“Well, yeh. That’s kind of the whole point, isn’t it?”, he said emphatically.

“Oh, I see. So, you’re for sale then?”, I said sarcastically.

“Yeh, I guess you could call it that. Although I won’t play for just anyone…”, and he smiled that big sweet smile of his. Were we still talking about football?

Just then, Mr. Pride called the room to order and began working out last night’s homework. Chris whispered close to me “Talk later”. I nodded and smiled back. We ate lunch together that day and he told me all about the schools who were pursuing him. The only ones we had both applied to were Indiana and Michigan. And I’d only been accepted so far to Indiana. Michigan was my target school. It was exciting to hear all about the scouts and dignitaries seeking him out. Nearly every week, some big shot from another University wanted to take him and his Mom out for dinner, to dine and wine them. And, of course, to plead their case as to why Chris should attend their school. Chris talked like he was looking for the best deal, but he also wanted to play on the best team. He was looking beyond college, for football had and always would be his life. He’d been playing since he was five, in pee wee leagues and then little leagues and finally in Junior High and High School. He was naturally talented, although that didn’t preclude the fact that he worked very hard to be so naturally able. You had to be at least a little in awe of what he had accomplished for himself, even if it did just seem like a big boy’s game. I was mostly in awe of the side effects of it, namely how large his chest, arms and legs were. But I digress.

At Saturday’s game, I once again performed with the drill team. But mostly, I watched him play. He simply outshone everyone else on the field. He didn’t even act like a high-schooler. He was smooth and graceful, caught every pass that remotely came his way. The other team never stood a chance against him. We beat them 52-7. At the end of the game, when Chris scored his last touchdown, the rest of the team carried him on their shoulders. I saw him look up into the stands and I thought maybe he was looking for me. But, maybe instead, he was trying to find his mother. I looked to see if I could find a tall woman with strawberry-blond hair, but didn’t see anyone fitting that description. When the game was over, I drove Joyce home before I went home to get ready for our date. We talked about Chris and whether or not I was ready to date another football star. I still couldn’t believe he liked me. It was so bizarre given my history. She advised me to just take it slow – something I was notoriously bad at.

Chris picked me up promptly at 7:00 pm. I wore a cute pink mini skirt with a light sweater set. I had curled my hair and pulled it back from my face with combs. I wore a new pair of strappy sandals that gave me three more inches of height. I liked how tall Chris was, but hated how short I was next to him. He looked me over, while nodding his approval.

“Good enough to eat”, he smiled lasciviously.

“Not bad yourself”, I beamed back. He had on straight, ironed Khaki pants and a red Polo shirt. He wore a light scent of aftershave that smelled clean and sexy. And I could tell he’d taken extra time to neaten his usual tangled mess of hair.

“So, do you like Italian?”, he asked.

“Love it. Where are we going?”.

“To a little place on the Hill that I like”. The Hill was a part of St. Louis that was known for its’ mostly Italian eateries. As we drove, we talked about the game. He explained some things to me. I asked more questions, as I could tell he was enjoying talking about it. When we got to the restaurant, he got out and quickly came around to open my door for me. Nice. And then to my amazement, he leaned down and kissed me. A full body-to-body kiss. When he finished and we were both breathing hard, he said, “I’m sorry. I’ve needed to do that for a few days now”. I laughed and hugged him. He kissed the top of my head and turned me to walk arm in arm into the restaurant.

Wow, I needed that! She looked so sexy and cute, all I could think of was mauling her. I wanted to make her feel as sexual as I did. She knew what she did to me. The thing is, though, I still didn’t know how she felt about me.

We split a large pizza (with him eating most of it) and an Italian salad. He wanted me to pick out a dessert, but I declined. So, he got a large slice of cheesecake and then proceeded to feed me bites. It was too sweet for words, and I’m not referring to the cheesecake. Even though he’d said he’d never had a girlfriend, he didn’t act like it. He was attentive, asked me all about my family and friends, and refused to talk any more about football. He treated me like royalty. We found a place to park after dinner and we worked each other over with kisses and caresses. Once again, he pulled me over onto his lap and eventually he reclined the seat so we were laying next to each other.

“Do you want to go somewhere more comfortable?”, he asked, smiling.

“Do you want to go to that Party?…”, I asked back softly.

“Yeh, well, I did tell my friend, Jake, that I would bring you”.

“Oh, so you told him about me?”, I said smiling still.

Chris leaned over, kissed me and said, “Mmmm, I did”, kissed me again and said, “And I told him how fucking hot you are….” and kissed me a third time.

“So is this my ‘coming out’ party?”, I said laughingly.

“Do you want it to be?”, he asked seriously. Then he began kissing me in earnest again.

I stopped his kiss and said, “I don’t know, Chris….Do you think it’s too soon?”.

Chris leaned up on his elbow and looked at me. “No. I mean I guess it is if you think it is. But I don’t”. And then we kissed again. This time longer, slower, more sensuously. He used his tongue masterfully. I began to wonder how he got to be this good of a kisser if he had never had a girlfriend. So, I asked him.

“I didn’t say I hadn’t dated. I just said I never had a steady girlfriend”. Did he sound a tad bit defensive?

“So you’ve dated a lot, then?”


“Why no girlfriend then?”, I pushed on.


“Really?…You don’t seem very picky!”, I laughed.

“Why do you say that?”, and he laughed back.

“Well, it’s just funny that I’m basically the first girl you met”.

“Yeh, but not the only”, he said devilishly.

“Oh really? And who else have you had ice cream with?”, I asked starting to feel a bit perturbed.

“I never kiss and tell”, and then he laughed and tickled me.

I tickled him right back and then he grabbed me and pulled me over on top of him. We kissed more deeply than ever before. We kept it up for several minutes. He reached under my sweater set to place his hand on my bra. I could tell he was trembling as he did this. He was equally nervous, excited and shy. I pulled his shirt out of his pants and crept my hand up his abdomen to his chest. When I reached for his nipple, he jerked. Or better, twitched.

“What?”, I asked, thinking I had done something wrong.

“Nothing… You’re fine….. I’m just a little jumpy right now” and then, the next thing I know, he’d pulled my bra up and above my breasts. I froze.

“What?”, he asked this time.

I pulled away slightly and this time he froze.

Then he said in that deep tone of his, “I’m sorry, Tina. God I so want to see you with your clothes off. I can’t think of anything else…..You are making me so damn hard and hot. Do you realize what effect you have on me?”, and he pulled his hand back out and laid down flat. He was breathing hard.

I rolled off of him and crept over to my seat. I pulled down my bra and smoothed out my skirt and sweater. I was completely disheveled and frustrated.

“I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize the effect I had on you. Only what you were doing to me”, I said softly.

“Oh geez, Tina. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m sorry if I went too far too fast. I’m just so fucking horny for you….”, he said sweetly and even more softly than before.

“I know. I can tell. But, I’m not ready for this. I’m definitely not ready for you!”, and I turned away, fearful that I would begin to cry. I didn’t want him to see me cry.

He inclined his seat back up, reached over and put his hand on my shoulder, “Hey. Don’t get upset. It’s ok. We can take it slower, as slow as you need. The last thing I want to do is scare you off”.

I looked back over at him. I had the makings of tears in my eyes. I smiled a little smile and said, “Thanks, Chris. I’m just gun shy…. I do want to get to know you, I’m just not sure that I want to take things are quickly as you do”.

“That’s ok. I want us together, even if just as friends for now”.

“Somehow I don’t think friends kiss the way that you and I do”, I laughed.

“No, I guess not….. Is that so bad?”, he asked seriously.

“No, kissing you is not so bad. In fact, it’s really rather nice”, I replied smilingly.

“If I promise not to pull anything else on you, would you kiss me again?”, he asked sweetly.

“Yeh, I think we could do that. If you promise”.

And with that, he reached over and planted a soft peck on my lips. He lifted his head, looked me in my eyes and said, “I don’t want to scare you off, Tina. I want to get to know you a lot better”. I smiled and blushed. He dipped his head back down and kissed me more fully and wetly. Soon we were back to lying against each other in my seat, kissing passionately. He didn’t pull my shirt up again, but instead used his hands to caress my sides and back. I did the same.

Oh shit! I didn’t want her to pull away like that. I’m going to have to watch myself. I know I can be overwhelming. Hell, I feel overwhelmed by her. I want her so bad. I really wanted to pull her shirt up and suck on her tits. But she’s not ready for that or for me. I know she’s turned on, I can feel it. But, she’s also scared. And I don’t want to scare her. I’ll back off, take things slower, let her make the moves. I’m falling for her. But I’m not going to tell her. That would probably really make her run in the opposite direction!

Truth was, we couldn’t stay away from each other for long. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to resist his charms and ministrations for all that much longer. I had raging hormones just like him. I was so overtly attracted to him, it wasn’t even funny. But I just didn’t want to give myself to him as quickly as he might have wanted it. I wanted to savor our coming together. We were both no virgins, but that didn’t mean we had to simply fall into bed with each other either.

When we started to get too hot for mere kissing, he got up and went back over to his driver’s seat. We decided it would be a good time to go to the Party and he drove us there. We held hands on the way, and he kissed the back of my hand several times on the drive over. We talked about his old friends, the ones I would meet tonight. I secretly hoped that some of my friends would be there too. I knew that at least a few of my girlfriends were planning on it. I could just see me with a bunch of football guys. I was starting to sweat.

“So will there be many girls there?, I asked.

“Oh yeh, are you kidding? Three’s always a bunch of Duchesne girls that show up at these parties”, he said, sure of himself.

Duchesne was a girls Catholic school and I guessed probably like the sister school to Chaminade, which was all Catholic too.

“Good. I didn’t want to be the only girl there”, I laughed.

“There will probably be more girls than guys actually”, he laughed back.

“Do you miss going to school at Chaminade?”, I asked.

“No, not really. I wouldn’t have met you, otherwise…”, he said in that low, sensuous voice of his and smiled his biggest smile.

“Bet you say that to all the girls”, I grinned.

“Oh yeh, ALL the girls”, he emphasized “all” like it would go on forever. I laughed and squeezed his hand. He looked over and smiled sweetly. I know he wanted to stare at me, but I made him keep his eyes on the road. When we finally got to his friend’s house, he opened my door and took my hand again. He walked me around back to the rec-room where the party was in full swing. He introduced me to Jake, his best friend, also the guy having the party. And then a bunch of guys came over to maul him. They gripped him, shook him , jumped on him and otherwise man-handled him. I guess they had not seen him since school had started. They were pissed that he had defected to Ladue, but were happy to see him and talk about football all the same. I kinda stood back and watched. He tried, but couldn’t hold my hand once the guys started to get physical with him. After a few minutes of pretty much being ignored, I looked around for the beer and my friends. I saw lots of girls standing around talking amongst themselves, but none that I knew. In fact, most of them looked at me like they were thinking, “Who are you?”, with a scowl on their faces. I finally found the keg and Jake came up to introduce himself and get me a beer.

After he introduced himself to me, I said, “Hi, I’m Tina”, and smiled. He was cute with a capital “C”. Tall with brown hair and eyes, looks resembling those of Tom Cruise.

“So, you’re the reason we haven’t seen our boy since school started”, he laughed and nodded his head.

“Oh, I’d hardly say that. I think it has something more to do with the fact that every school in the country wants him to come play football for them”, I said and laughed back.

“Really? So, he’s being hounded, huh?”

“Yeh, you could say that. I think he has dinner like 4 times a week with college scouts and dignitaries”.

“Huh, he hasn’t mentioned that to me. Guess I’m now the enemy!”, and he laughed again.

“Oh, I’d hardly say that. He probably just didn’t want to rub your face in it. You know how he is. So, where are you playing next year?”, I asked to make more conversation.

“Probably Miami, also looking at Purdue. Where have you applied to?”, and I could tell he didn’t really care, but was being nice.

“I’m in at Indiana and am still waiting to hear from Michigan”.

“Oh, Michigan, huh? I know that was one of the places Chris had talked about last year”.

“Yeh, I think he’s thinking about going there. So, do you date anyone?”, I asked and then thought better of it.

“Why? Are you offering yourself?”, he said and grinned stealthily.

“No! I just thought maybe we could double sometime”, I bounced back.

“Oh! Well, in that case, I guess you and my Christopher are tight, huh?”, he asked grinning.

“About as tight as you can be for only having dated two weeks”, I nodded.

“So there’s still a chance?”, he asked wide eyed.

“For what?”, I asked doe-eyed.

“For us”, and he emphasized “us” as he stepped forward to get closer to me. I looked up into his gorgeous brown eyes and said, “Not a chance in hell” as I smiled my biggest smile.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to find my date” and with that, I walked away and swished my hair as I did so. Take that (!) you over-arrogant Chaminade football player, whom I later learned was their quarterback. Figured! I later found out that he was trying to test me to see how loyal I was to Chris. I never did find out if Chris put him up to it, but it wouldn’t have surprised me. We did a lot of testing of each other in those first few months. Jake turned out to be a really good friend, not only of Chris’s, but also of mine. We did do a lot of double dating, but he never found a steady girlfriend until after College was over.

When I found Chris, he was retelling football stories with his buds. Thankfully, right at that same time, I found my girlfriends. We all got beers and sat around talking about everyone else in the room. The girls from Duchesne continued to eye us suspiciously, but the boys from Chaminade came over to talk and flirt. That was the cat’s meow. When Chris finally came to find me, I was talking with a tall, lanky Basketball player who knew my sister from a Youth Group they had been in together. He was nice and cute and I had to practically crane my neck to look at him. If I thought Chris was tall, this guy toppled over him. Chris came up from behind and placed his hands over my eyes.

“Hello Chris”, I said, sing-songy. He let go and turned me around. Then he shocked me by putting his arms around my waist and leaning over to kiss me. It’s not that I don’t like public displays of affection, but I wasn’t expecting him to do that. It felt like a territorial thing to me. With all these good looking guys around, he wanted to “mark” his property, so to speak. And given the fact that I only had eyes for him, I didn’t mind. Besides, I wanted as many of the Duchesne girls there to see that we were together. I didn’t trust them. I knew there were past dates in this room and I didn’t want them getting any ideas of re-kindling anything with Chris. He wasn’t nearly the best looking guy there, but he had this magnetism that drew everyone around him to him. He was larger than life. He was so fucking cocky, which I knew, in part, was just a show. He’d been used to being the life of the party for so long and in so many arenas that it came naturally to him to be adored. Even by guys. He loved them hitting him and hugging him. It almost felt to me, again, that he was older than the rest of us. He certainly was treated that way. By other kids, by parents, by teachers and coaches. And by the scouts coming around to persuade him to come to their school. Plus, he never did have to call in to his Mom to tell her where he was or when he’d be home. For all intents and purposes, he was emancipated. When we got done kissing, he said into my ear, “Do you want to leave?”. He smiled into my eyes and I could smell and see that he’d had a few beers. And I knew what that meant!

“Well, do you want to?”, I asked back. It was only 11:00 pm, but he knew my curfew was 1:00 am.

“Yeh, I want to have time with you just by ourselves before you have to go home”, and he smiled again and kissed me quickly.

“Ok, but I’m driving”, I said matter-of-factly.

“No problem by me” and he handed me the keys and steered me over to Jake, who was at the sliding glass doors leading out. I said goodbye to my girlfriends, or at least the ones who weren’t lost in conversation with a Chaminade guy. When we got to Jake, Chris shook his hand and they hugged quickly. He shook my hand and squeezed it slightly. Said he was glad to have met me and winked at Chris. When we walked out into the cool night, I asked him about the wink.

“Oh, just a sign that he approves of you”, he said and smiled.

“Well, that’s good. Wouldn’t want your friends to not approve!”, I laughed.

“Not that it matters to me, but I don’t think there’s any chance of that”, he said and got into the passenger side of the truck. I had sipped a single beer all night, so I was fine to drive. But I could tell he’d had more than his fair share. After we got going, he grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles several times. We talked about the people we had met. I asked if he had dated any of those girls and he just shrugged, which I took as a “Yes”. I drove him home and promised to return his truck the next day. We kissed in the truck for a while, but I could tell he was getting tired by the way he would yawn into my mouth. It was really very cute. He asked me if I wanted to come inside and I declined, knowing that would not get me what I wanted. He went inside and I drove back to my house. I fell asleep that night thinking of how much further we could have gone and didn’t. I decided that was a good thing.

Taking Tina to the party was fun. I knew she’d fit in with my old friends. They took to her like stink on shit. Who wouldn’t? She was beautiful and funny. Her wit was even better than Jake’s. I was glad when I saw that she could leave me to talk with my friends, that she wasn’t all clingy. It’s not that I didn’t want her close. I did. But it’s also nice to know that you aren’t the center of a girl’s world, that she can fend for herself. I liked that in her. When we finally did get back together, I had missed her. I couldn’t tell her that just yet. I didn’t want to scare her off. In fact, she was maybe too independent, you know? I started to think that maybe I needed her more than she needed me. And that was not a good place for any guy to find himself.

Chapter 6 – Intimacy

On Sunday morning, my mother asked me who’s truck was parked in front of our house. I explained that I drove Chris home from the party. Even though she griped a little about his not being able to drive home, she was complimentary to me that I had shown the foresight to drive us home. I got up, showered, ate and called Chris around 9:00 am to see if he was up.

His mother answered, “Hello?”.

“Oh, hello, this is Tina Taylor. Is Chris up yet?”, I asked politely.

“No, hon. He’s still snoring away”, and she laughed and I laughed.

“Well, could you have him call me when he wakes?”, I asked.

“Sure….Did you have a nice time last night?”, she asked and completely took me aback.

“Oh, yes. Very.”, I said quickly.

“Well, that’s good. I’ll let him know that you called”, she responded.

“Okay, thanks, bye”. And she hung up. I didn’t hear from Chris until noon. When my Mom called me to tell me the phone was for me, I ran to pick it up.

“Hello?”, I said, a bit out of breath.

“Hey”, came this deep silky voice.

“Hi….are you just now waking up?”, I asked, amazed anyone could sleep that long.

“Yeh…when’d you wake up?”, he asked.

“Around 8:00. Man, you are a slug-a-bed!”, I said and laughed.

“You just wore me out last night”, he said in that same deep drawl and laughed lightly at the end.

“Ohhh, did I. Well, you obviously did not wear me out!”, I teased.

“Well, we’ll have to do something about that”, he teased back.

“What did you have in mind? Wait! Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know…”, I said emphatically.

“What about studying and maybe dinner at my house?”, he asked sweetly.

“Hold on, let me go see if that’s ok with my Mom. Usually we have my grandmother over on Sunday nights to eat. Hold on. I’ll be right back” and before I heard him answer, I was off to find my Mom. She said that would be fine, but that I should be home by 9:30. I felt like fighting her over the time, but figured I should really count my blessings that she gave permission in the first place. She could be very persnickety about Sundays.

“Ok”, I breathed out as I got back to the phone.

“So, when can you be over?”, he asked.

“When do you want me”, I flirted.

“Right now”.

“Are you dressed?”, I asked and knew almost immediately that that was a mistake.

“No, so come on over”, he flirted back to me.

“Chris!”, I exclaimed.

“I’ll be dressed by the time you get here, ok? I promise you, I’ll be on my best behavior today”.

“Ok. I’ll see you soon, then”. We said our goodbyes and I got off the phone. I changed my outfit 3 times and headed out the door with my book bag and his car keys.

I changed what I was wearing 3 times before she got to my house! I was seriously in trouble with this chick. I couldn’t believe she was coming over to my house! I hope my Mom behaves herself and doesn’t ply Tina with a bunch of silly mother questions. She can be so nosy sometimes. Last night she had the gall to ask me if we were sleeping together. Geez, Mom!

When I got to his house, his Mom answered the door with him right behind. He looked a little apologetic for this intrusion by her, but I didn’t mind. I’m sure I would have wanted to know who my son was dating if he’d been mine. She introduced herself and asked me if I’d like something to eat or drink. Chris got me an ice water and showed me around. It wasn’t a large house, but for two people it was more than adequate. It was in the Ladue district, but not in one of the more affluent neighborhoods that Ladue was known for. He asked me where I wanted to study and I deferred to him. So, he took me back to his room and we sat on his floor like we had done in my room when we studied there. We did a great job until Calculus homework was done. We compared answers and corrected the ones we had differences on. He leaned over to show me his work, so we could both check to see who had the right answer. Turned out, it was him. Once we got done with this, we got out our English homework. But while I was leaning over my book bag to put away Calc and retrieve English, he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. He massaged them and I fell back against him like putty.

“Mmmm, that feels good”, I said in a dreamy little voice.

“If you think this feels good, I could show you a few other moves you might like”, he whispered. And he pulled me back and to the ground so that I was lying underneath him. Only he wasn’t exactly on top of me, he was holding himself up on his forearms. He looked down at me and murmured, “God, you are so gorgeous….Do you know that?.


“Well you are….Can I kiss you?”, he asked gently.

“Since when do you ask?”, I said sweetly.

“I told you I’d be on my best behavior”, he smiled. And then, before I had a chance to say “Yes” or “No”, he kissed me. And it wasn’t just any peck on the cheek either. This was a long, drawn out, tongues-wrapped-around-each-other kiss. After the first minute, he moved over on top of me by putting his right leg in between the two of mine. He still kept himself raised above me, but I could feel his nether regions rubbing me slightly and his chest was starting to move closer to mine. This just about drove me insane. Best behavior? My ass! But I was enjoying my stay underneath him so much, I couldn’t find my indignant voice. It was lost, buried under piles of sexual thoughts and feelings. I could swear I started to “itch” down there. He never used his hands to touch me, they stayed on the floor holding him up. But somehow, that didn’t seem to matter. I was touched and on fire. I pushed him off me slightly, not a shove, just put my hands on his chest and moved him a bit. I was starting to feel confined and out of breath. He quickly moved over off of me and said, “Are you ok?”. I could hear the worry in his voice.

“Yeh…Just a little out of breath and panicky. Sorry….”.

“No, don’t be sorry. Was I too heavy on you?”, he ministered.

“No, I just started to feel a little squeezed in. Chris, I can’t help it. You still scare me.”, and I looked scared when I said it.

“How do I scare you?”, he asked, wanting to know where I was coming from.

“It’s just that sometimes you are SO intense. And it’s not that I don’t like or appreciate that intensity, it’s just something that I need to get used to. I’m not used to being with anyone remotely resembling you!” and I smiled a little smile.

“Do you think you aren’t equally intense for me too? I’m not used to anyone like you either. But instead of the intensity coming from you, it my intensity about you that I have to deal with. You know I’m having a hard time keeping myself in check. I’ve explained myself. I am trying my damnedest to keep my feelings in check, but it’s just not that easy. You know?”, he ended and seemed tired of talking. He pulled off and away from me to lie on his back. We were both just staring at the ceiling.

“Maybe I should just go”, I said forlornly and with the tiniest bit of manipulation.

“No!”, he said, a little too loud. He rolled back over to face me and said quieter, “I mean, I don’t want you to go. Can’t we compromise? Let’s tell each other what we want and see if we can’t reach a consensus on how to do ‘this’ with each other”. He convinced me that was a good thing to do.

“I want to kiss you for hours on end, but I’m not ready to go further than that just yet”, I started off.

“Fine, I want to kiss you for hours on end and feel your body pushed up against mine”, he chimed in.

“Okay, how’s this? After 3 more dates, if they go well, we can kiss in your truck and do a little grinding together in the back seat”, I nearly shocked myself.

“That’s a deal. And then after 3 more dates, if they go well, we will have been dating for about 2 months. I want to undress you and I want you to undress me”, he smiled big.

“And what? Just look at each other?”, I said ribaldly.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe more. Can’t we just play it by ear? See how we feel?”, he said tightly.

“And I suppose you are going to say I should get myself on the Pill?, I asked sarcastically.

“Well, no, I wasn’t going to pre-suppose that would be something you’d do”, he said furrowing his brows.

“Well, I already am, so it’s a moot point. I just wanted to know how far you are going to push me”, I said in a playful tone of voice.

“You little devil wench!”, and he laughed and tickled me until I thought I might pee my pants!

I tickled him right back, which I was beginning to realize was a total turn on for him. Once he started laughing, he pulled me up from the floor and sat me on his lap on the bed. After he kissed me like there was no tomorrow, he lay me down on the bed and said in my ear: “I can’t help myself around you, Tina. You just have this hold over me that I can’t break. And it makes me want to make you scream in delight….I could make you scream you know….I could so easily undo your jeans and pull them down. Then I’d pull off those cute like lace bikinis that I imagine you wearing and lick you all the way down until you are wet with lust for me. How does that sound?”, his deep smooth voice made my nipples grow hard.

“Mmmmm……That sounds absolutely sinful. And wonderful. I think that’s 3 months, what do you think?”, I purred.

“Ummmm….how about 3 weeks?” and he laughed, so I knew he knew he wasn’t getting hardly anything until after 3 weeks. All of this sex talk was making me thirsty so I asked Chris for another glass of ice water. When he came back, I was up and looking at all of his trophies. He took a singular delight in regaling me with stories of how he got each one. Thankfully, the sexual heat between us had dissipated, at least in part.

What she did to me, I can’t say. I was so turned on by her, I didn’t think I could last 3 weeks, much less 1 hour. I had to have this girl. I didn’t care how long it took me, in truth. I was going to have her and have her good. When I told her what I’d like to do to her, I could see her getting turned on. I could see her nipples grow hard through her clingy shirt. I wanted so badly to do what I had told her, but I had promised to be on my best behavior. Which wasn’t all that good, now that I thought of it. I was a bit relieved when she was looking at my trophies when I got back. It helped me focus on something besides her body. But oh, when I was alone, I was going to have one heck of a time masturbating over thoughts of her.

When we were done with all of our homework, we took a drive in his truck. He showed me where he had lived before this house. He drove to a park and we walked around the paths that meandered through old Oak trees for about an hour. It was nice to just hold hands and talk. I asked him about being an only kid and where his father was. He explained that his father had died of cancer when he was 10. He told me about that and what he remembered of his Dad. I told him all about growing up in a large family. Around 5:00 pm, we headed back to his house for dinner. Hi Mom had made a big Mexican meal for us and I got to see just how much Chris could put away. I was amazed at his appetite. We smiled at each other all through dinner and his Mom tried to make small talk with him, but he wasn’t giving her much to go on. I figured that was just their relationship, because he always talked so much with me. I knew how he felt, though. I didn’t really like to talk to my parents either. We were on a “need to know” basis, as I always called it.

When we were done with dinner, we went back to his room. He played some albums that he wanted me to hear and we relaxed on his bed. We “spooned” and listened to Jazz music. After a while he said, “Will you turn over?” in that sweet, sensuous voice of his.

“Why should I?”, I teased.

“Because I want to kiss you”, he purred.

I turned around and he immediately had his arms around my middle and his lips on top of mine. He really was a great kisser, taking the time to caress me skillfully and with passion. He liked to nibble my lower lip and then do the same to my upper lip. He kissed my chin and then my neck, licking his way down my chin to my collar bone.

“God, I just want you so bad”, he murmured into my chest.

“Enough to force me?”, I said and immediately wished I hadn’t. I didn’t know where that came from. I guess I was feeling claustrophobic again. And scared.

“No!” he said emphatically. “Why would you ever think that?” and I could tell he was getting angry and maybe even a little shocked. And then softer, “Have I ever forced you?….God, Tina, I would never ever do such a thing” and he sat up away from me. He put his hands on his bent legs and his head against the wall next to the bed. I felt ashamed I had said that. But I was also thinking he was being a bit dramatic too.

“It wouldn’t be the first time it had happened to me”, I said forlornly.

He looked at me with shocked eyes and said, “Who? When?”.

“Steve, mostly when he had too much to drink”, and I got up off the bed. It was difficult enough for me to talk about it, much less be that close to him.

Chris quickly came up behind me and put his arms around my shoulders. He pulled me to him and said, “God, I’m so sorry. I would never ever do anything like that to you. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like” and he kissed the top of my head. I started to cry a little, a tear ran down my cheek at the memories coming up. I had never told anyone about what Steve had done. And I really did not want to go any further into it right now. So, I was glad when Chris did not push me to talk about it. He turned me around and hugged me for a long time while we stood in his room. He rocked me gently back and forth to soothe me.

“Will you tell me more about it when you’re ready?”, he asked gently.

“Yeh. I think I just want to go home for now though”. Chris got his keys and drove me home holding my hand the entire time. When we stopped for stop lights, he would look over at me and smile a little smile. When we got to my house, he kissed me lightly and said, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Will you be ok tonight?”.

“Yeh, I’m ok. Thanks Chris. Thanks for understanding” and I got out of the truck and went inside. I thought about all that had happened. I thought about revealing that part of my past that I kept secret from everyone. I thought about how much I hated Steve Smith for taking advantage of me. I worried that I had ruined any chance of truly getting to know Chris better. I kept telling myself that he had responded as nicely as any guy possibly could, but there was a nagging thought that once he realized what he was dealing with, he’d run for the hills. I couldn’t blame him. It was a lot of baggage. And it made me afraid to trust any guy who would come within 10 feet of me. Chris definitely seemed to want to know me and I knew he liked me. But would he be willing to put up with my problems? Would he be willing to go slow with me? As I lay awake pondering these and other questions, I thought about simply cutting my losses and running. Figuratively, if not literally.

Ohmygod, I couldn’t believe when she told me she had dated Steve Smith. I mean, he was like this God that we all looked up to. He had been the best Quarterback to come out of St. Louis in decades. He was playing for Oklahoma State and had offers to turn Pro even as a Junior there. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me about him. Well, actually I could believe how arrogant he was. Guys in football always thought they were better than they were, always thought they deserved more than they did. I tried very hard to not get a big head playing this sport, but it was hard. When everyone treated you like royalty, it was easy to take it to heart. I saw that I was going to have to win her heart and mind and trust after what she had been through.

Chapter 7 – Dating

On Monday, when I walked out my front door to go to school, Chris was waiting for me. He said he didn’t have practice that day since the head coach was gone. So we drove to school and he got me a coffee on the way. He was unusually quiet and I didn’t offer up much either. We sipped our coffees in his truck and he finally said, “So, how are you?”.

“I’m ok. How are you?”. God, were we now reduced to small talk?

“Worried about you”.

“I’m fine. I didn’t tell you that stuff about me for you to worry”.

“I know. But I can if I want to” and he seemed a little indignant!

“Fine. But I don’t want you to. It’ s all in the past. I’ve worked very hard at forgetting about it and just moving on. I just told you about it because I wanted you to understand why I need to go slow. When I feel pushed, I tend to back away…at 100 miles per hour”, and I could feel my blood pressure start to rise.

“Ok, Tina. I get it. That’s fine. I’ll try not to push. Okay?” and he sounded completely contrite.

“Ok”, I said and looked out my window. I was starting to get choked up again.

I lied, “I’ve got to get some things from my locker before class. I’ll see you in English”, and before he could get a word in edgewise, I was out of his truck and walking quickly towards the building. I couldn’t tell, but I sensed that he was upset that I had hightailed it out of the truck before we could talk more.

Was that a total brush-off or what? Did I do something to piss her off? She was completely stiff with me this morning. Maybe she needs some space today?

When I got to English, Chris was already sitting in his usual seat. I chose one across from him like I usually did. He looked over at me throughout the entire class. Mrs. Cannon called on him and he couldn’t answer, which was not at all like him, especially since we had done the homework and he knew the answer. He just kept staring. For my part, I tried to pay attention to what what going on in class, even if I was sidetracked by his stares. When the bell finally rang, he came up to me and handed me a note. It looked like the ones I had received before, all folded up in a triangle like a flag. It read:

“I want to drive you home tonight and talk more. I feel like we left a lot out of our conversation yesterday. I’ll meet you at your locker after 7th hour. Love, Chris.”

He had never signed his notes with “love” before. This got my notice more than anything else. When I went in to Calculus, he was sitting in his usual spot and holding the chair next to him for me, not that anyone would have deigned to take it. I sat down and nodded my acceptance of his offer to drive me home. He touched me on my arm and gently caressed me for a second before class was called to order. I could feel his eyes on me several times during class, but he was able to answer questions for Mr. Pride, so his concentration was coming back to him. I was glad of that.

At lunch, he sat with his football buddies and I with my group of friends. I tried not to wonder why he didn’t sit with me as we had been. Maybe he just needed a break. That would have made perfect sense to me. I knew I was a lot to take on. I knew he cared for me, but I was preparing myself for the worst. I couldn’t blame him if he wanted to back off of me. The rest of the day passed quickly. I didn’t see him again until I was at my locker ready to go home. He came up behind me and said, “Hi” in that deep voice of his.

“Hi”, I chimed back, turning around.

“Shall we go then?”, he asked sweetly.

“Sure”, and we walked together, keeping a reasonable distance and eyes straight ahead. He opened my door for me and I got into his truck. He got in his side, started the engine and then turned it off.

“Do you not want to see me?”, he asked and I could read pain all over his face.

“No! I mean yes, I want to see you”, I said a little too forthrightly. Softer, “Why would you think that?”.

“I guess I just thought that you felt I was pushing you. And I felt you pulling away from me. I know I scare you. I know I’m too much sometimes. I can’t help the way I feel, Tina”, and he stopped there to take a deep breath. I could tell it took everything he had just to be saying these words to me.

“Chris, you do push me. But not necessarily in a bad way. I’m just gun shy. I haven’t dated since Steve, for good reason, and I’m not used to this. I wasn’t ready for you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to date you and get to know you better and feel more for you” and with that I decided I’d said enough. I shut up.

When I looked over at him, Chris was smiling from ear to ear. “That’s nice. Because that’s how I feel about you. I want to know you better. I want to be with you. I want you to learn to trust me. Tina, I can’t help, but want you. I’ll try to keep it in check, if you know what I mean. But, you are going to have to let me know if I push you too hard. Okay?”.

“Okay. I’ll let you know. But you have to promise to not get mad at me when I do”, I said quietly.

“I promise”, he said equally quietly and reached over to pull me towards him. “Can I kiss you?”, he asked sweetly.

“Don’t ask me, Chris” and with that, we kissed in the front seat of his truck for the next 15 minutes. I could tell he was getting hot and hard, but he kept it to himself and I made a point of not teasing him like I wanted to do. The ice inside me was melting and being replaced by a fire that was intense, hot, and not at all slow to start. I kept a reign on my desires until I felt I could trust Chris completely. This took a while, though, and both of us were ragged and half-crazed out of our minds by the time I gave in. But I digress.

Chris took me home and we studied and kissed in my room until dinner. I asked my Mom if he could stay and he called home to tell his Mom he wouldn’t be home for dinner. I introduced Chris to my parents over dinner and they grilled him about his football “career” and where he was looking at for school. My parents were HUGE football fans, so they took to Chris like bees on honey. For Chris’s part, he was a wonderful guest. Very talkative, forthcoming, and appreciative of the meal. I barely got a word in edgewise. I could tell my parents were taken with him. Hell, everyone was taken with Chris. He had a magnetism that was difficult to deny. And it didn’t hurt that my mother loved red hair, even if his was worn all the way to his shoulders. My Dad talked with him about what course of study he would partake in college and also about the touchdown he had scored last Saturday. After Chris was done with seconds, he reached under the table and squeezed my thigh. I put my left hand in his right and we held hands furtively under the table. It was sweet. My Mom offered pie for dessert, but we turned it down. I told my parents we had more studying to do and escorted Chris back to my room. He shook my Dad’s hand again and thanked my Mom for dinner. Man, was he a success or what?

Well that went well. I could tell that both her parents really liked me. Hey, I’m a likable guy! Being so close to Tina was trying on me. I wanted to move faster than I could tell she was ready for.

When we got to my room, he locked the door and turned towards me.

“Now for dessert”, he murmured under his breath. He pulled me into his arms and immediately began to kiss me passionately. I reached up to put my hands around his neck and he eased us to the floor. He pulled me under him and kissed me until I was red from the scratch of his stubble. When he lifted his head, we smiled the same lazy, sweet smile at each other.

“You are so sweet”, he said and kissed my neck underneath my earlobe.

“And you, my dear boy, are such a good kisser”, and I caressed his cheek with my fingers.

“You bring it out in me”, he purred. And with that, he kissed me again, heavier and deeper than before. I felt his bulge graze my thigh and became “itchy” with the thought of how turned on he was making me. I pulled slightly away and he moved his tongue and teeth to my neck. I turned over and he pulled me against him. He didn’t kiss me any longer, just breathed into my hair as he held me to him. We “spooned” like this for another 20 minutes and talked about this next weekend. He wanted to take me to another party, I wanted him all to myself. We compromised on a double date with his best friend, Jake (who had had that last party) and his girlfriend-of-the-month, Connie. When it was nearing 10:00 pm, I told him he had to leave as that was my curfew on week nights.
“I’m not ready to leave”, he said and smiled lasciviously.

“I know, but I want to stay in my parent’s good graces”.

“Tina, would you stay at my house on Saturday if all we did was sleep together?”, he asked genuinely.

“How could we pull that off? My parents would blow a fuse if they knew!”, I said astonished.

“Well you could tell them you were sleeping over at a friend’s house”, he said devilishly.

“And do you think you could really sleep next to me?”, I asked incredulously.

“Yeh, I think I could. I might have to excuse myself a couple times, but I think I could and would love to sleep, just sleep, with you”, he said and I could tell he was serious.

“Well, let me think about it. I’m not saying yes or no. I don’t know”, I said tentatively.

“Hey, no biggie. I just thought it would be nice” and he got up off the floor to get his coat on. I walked him out. I thought he seemed a little bit miffed that I didn’t just jump for joy at his suggestion, but given that we had just had the whole discussion of going slower, I thought he might be trying to “push” again. He was such a pushy guy! And even if I liked most of the pushing, it was just natural for me to “pull” back. If he was smart, he’d let me do some pushing while he pulled! If I knew anything though, it was that eventually we’d both be pushing against each other, between sheets or otherwise. My heart and hormones were telling me it was going to happen sooner than my brain might want it to.

I want her to stay at my house so bad. I know she’s not ready for anything, but I want her close to me anyway. I would settle for sleeping next to her for the moment. I hadn’t felt this way about any girl, ever. Usually, when I took a girl out, I wanted to see how far I could get and when I got my way, I backed up at 100 miles per hour. I just didn’t have staying power. Or, for that matter, feeling power. Before Tina, girls just didn’t interest me past what I could get sexually. And it’s not that I wasn’t think about Tina and sex, it’s just that I was thinking about so much more.

The rest of the week saw Chris having longer practices than usual. I drove myself to school and we talked at night, but we didn’t see much of each other. We still met before school for cigarettes and stolen kisses and talked more than we should in English and Calc. But, some of the electricity between us had a chance to diffuse due to his heavy football schedule. When he called me at night, he was beat. We compared homework notes over the phone, but didn’t really chat it up about anything else. He went to sleep early most nights and I stayed awake thinking of being held under him while we kissed endlessly. My friends knew about us by this time. Most of them were accepting, but some thought I’d get hurt again. They thought he thought too much of himself. I’m sure it was hard for him not to, what with all those schools wanting him and the Ladue coaches singing his praises. I tried not to think of him as this All-Star football player. I compartmentalized this part of him. I just focused on the fact that he was 18 just like me. Even if he sometimes talked like he was 21.

By the time Saturday came, I went to see the game without my Pom Pom outfit on as it was an away game. My girlfriends and I cheered him on from the stands (as did most of our school supporters). I’m sure he didn’t hear us. He was too much into the game and what he was doing. He never even looked over at the stands, even at half time. We ended up winning by 3 points, because of a good field goal kick. I could tell that the game had Chris beat. He was used to being the hero and although he had scored 2 of the 4 touchdowns, he left the field with his head down. Everyone else was jumping, slapping, hugging. He trodded off the field like he’d been defeated. I knew then and there how serious he took this sport and his performance. He was a perfectionist and it didn’t surprise me in the least. I had seen him pout a couple times since I met him. Nothing big, just a look like he was disappointed with himself.

The bus took the players back to the school and my friends and I waited for him to get off the bus. I ran over and kissed his cheek and he hugged me quickly and kissed me back on my lips.

“Wait for me. I’ll shower and change and be back out”, he said in my ear.

I smiled and nodded. A few minutes later, my friends took off and I waited about 20 minutes for Chris to exit the building. He smiled as he saw me by his truck. He came over and kissed me long and hard. I smiled while he did this and he said, “What?”.

“You looked good enough to eat out there on that field”, I said smiling still.

“Yeh, well I wish I had played that well”, he said and I could see a little pout.

“Chris! You played magnificently! Why do you think you didn’t?”, I asked, thinking he was simply crazy.

“Trust me, I was not on my game today at all”, he said seriously.

“Well you could have fooled me, and everyone in the stands for that matter”, I said.

“You know what? I don’t want to talk about it. It’s done. Over with. Let’s go out”. And that was the end of that.

“Okay, let me get changed and ready. What time?”, I asked.

“How about 6:00?”, he said.

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then”.

“With bells on”, he said and leaned down again to kiss me. He slightly pushed me up against the truck and picked me up so my lips were at the same level as his. I put my legs around him to hold on and we stood like that for several minutes. He let me down and as I walked away to my car, I said, “Oh Chris? My Mom thinks I’m sleeping over at Joyce’s tonight, so I have to drive my car to your house. I’ll see you at 6:00” and I heard a whoop as he got into his truck. I laughed and drove off in my car.

When I got home, I took a long bath with perfumed beads. I shaved, showered and changed clothes into a cute little black dress that I was saving just for Chris. I packed a nightshirt, panties, my toothbrush, toiletries and, of all things, a book. When I thought I’d have time to read was beyond me, but I wanted to be prepared for anything. I said goodbye to my parents, called Joyce to make sure she knew she had to cover for me tonight and left my house at 5:45pm. Since I had slept over at Joyce’s a lot since meeting her Sophomore year, it was no worry on my parent’s minds that I was going there and wouldn’t return until Sunday afternoon. Had they found out what was really going on, I would not only be mortified, but in some serious, “grounded for life” trouble. So, you can imagine how much this meant to me to place myself in this possibly dangerous position. I had thought a lot about sleeping with Chris since he mentioned it on Monday. Part of me wanted to see if we could. Well, I knew I could, but I wanted to see if Chris could. Our first big test.

I pulled up to his house and he came out immediately. He must have been waiting for me. He looked me over with much approval and took my belongings into his room. And that’s when it hit me. Where was his mother going to be? I froze thinking about it.

“What?” he asked. He could see me tighten up.

“Where’s your Mom?”, I asked, worried about the answer.

“She stays with her boyfriend on the weekends….Hey! You didn’t think she’d be here, did you?”, he laughed.

“I didn’t know what to think”, I said and laughed nervously.

“She’s never hardly here Saturday night”.

“Oh, ok”.

“So, shall we go get Jake and Connie? I think she had a good place picked out for dinner”, he said and then kissed me sweetly on my lips. “Or would you rather stay here and be my dinner?” and he kissed me again.

“I think a double date sounds just perfect”, I said teasingly. We kissed again, longer and deeper.

“Mmmmmm……I love kissing you”, he said warmly.

“Yeh….I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time for that tonight” and with that, he took the hint and we locked up his house and left in his truck to go on our double date.

I knew Jake was a nice guy even if he did hit on me the first time I met him. And his newest girlfriend turned out to be very sweet. She doted on him a little too much for my tastes, but I could see why she did it. She was obviously in awe of him. I tried never to be in awe of anyone. I just didn’t want to give anyone that kind of power over me. As for Chris and I, we sat with our hands intertwined under the table. When the food arrived, we separated physically, but we were always in some kind of contact, whether it was how close we sat or our eye contact or smiling at each other. We talked about their respective football games and what colleges we were thinking about going to. All in all, it was a good dinner, a fun time with friends, and a diversion from what Chris and I were thinking about the entire time. We all decided on a movie to go to and, although we arrived a few minutes late, we enjoyed the flick. Chris and I held hands and caressed each other’s palms the entire time. There were parts of the movie that I lost simply from being so engrossed in what he was doing to me. Once, when I glanced over at Jake and Connie, they were making out. I think they saw less of the film than we did!

Finally, we dropped them off at Jake’s house. We said our goodbyes and they retreated to his house. I wondered if she’d be sleeping over as well. As Chris drove us back to his home, we were both pretty silent. I don’t know exactly what he was thinking about, but I knew I was getting butterflies from my thoughts. I didn’t know what to expect, having never done this with Steve. When Steve and I were together, I always had the feeling for needing to flee. I knew how he treated me was wrong. I was just not strong enough to break it off. I had grown a lot in the nearly 2 years since our break-up. I was no longer a door mat. I could take care of myself.

When we got to Chris’s house, he opened my door and ushered me into his house.

“I have a surprise for you. It’s nothing big, just a little something I picked up on my way home today”, he said smiling.

“Okay…..”, I said tentatively.

He took me into the kitchen and he got out a big slice of Turtle Cheesecake for us to share.

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly eat anything right now”, I said, begging off.

“No problem. You want to save it for later?”, he offered.

“Yeh. And thanks. It looks wonderful”, I smiled.

“Sooooo….what are you up for?, he asked. He smiled a little devilish grin as he did so.

“Ohhh, I don’t know….Did you want to get more comfortable?, I asked shyly.

“Sure. Do you want to use the hall bathroom?”, and he showed me where it was. I went and got my bag from his bedroom and went to the bathroom to change. I decided to leave on my bra and panties under my nightshirt as I wasn’t about to tempt him into misbehaving. When I came out he was standing across from the bathroom door waiting for me in his pajama pants and nothing else. I took one look at his physique and thought I’d get weak. He was more beautiful than I’d even given him credit for. His upper torso was nothing if not built and powerful. His shoulders were large and muscular. His arms were defined and bulging. His stomach was beefy and rippled. And his pants were on so low that I could see his hip bones starting to stick out over the waist of his pants. He pulled me to him almost immediately and started to kiss me right there in the hallway. I fell against him and reached up my arms to caress his hair and neck. We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity. He circled my tongue over and over and bit me tenderly on my lips. He excelled in the art of kissing and I told him so. He just moaned and said that he had nothing on me. I thought he would want to go to his room, but he didn’t mention it. After a while, he nuzzled my nose with his and said, “So, what are we going to do with ourselves?”. He smiled down at me and waited for me to answer.

“Do you want to play some games?”, I said.

“Hmmmm….what did you have in mind?”, he said softly.

“How about hide and seek?”, I said teasingly. I was actually only half teasing. I actually did think it might be fun.

“Ok….but I get to go first”, and at that he turned around, closed his eyes and started counting to 100.

“Now, no peeking”, I said and ran off. I didn’t know his house, having only been here once before, but I found a closet in his Mom’s room and hid myself in it. I heard him, after a while, say, “Ready or not, here I come”. I could hear him opening up doors, looking in the bathrooms, calling out “Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an English Mun”. I tried not to laugh at this, but it was difficult. He was so funny as he looked for me. I could hear him saying, “Ah Ha!” when he thought he’d found me, but then I wasn’t there and he’d begin looking again. After about 5 minutes, he finally entered his Mom’s room. He turned on the light and looked under the bed, in her bathroom and then finally, when I thought he was about to leave, he opened up the closet door and yelled “Hah!” really loud. I screamed and tried to run, but he was (of course) faster and caught me around my middle. He picked me up and stepped back to the bed. Then he threw me down on the bed and started tickling me. I yelled “Uncle” and he subsided. We were laughing so hard and loud, I thought I might pee my pants. He got on top of me without his full body weight and pinned me down. Then he used his nose to tickle me all over my torso. I was crying from laughing so hard. He let up after a minute and flopped over onto his side next to me. I turned towards him and we laughed a few more chuckles and then just smiled. He pulled me to him and started kissing me. At first it was lightly, just a peck here and there. And then he pulled me even closer and draped his leg across me. He sucked on my lower lip and then french kissed me until I was out of breath. He rubbed my back and I put my hands on his chest. I caressed him and pulled myself even closer (was it possible?). I could now feel his hardness through his pants. I didn’t want us to get out of control, so I pulled back a bit. He stopped kissing me and said, “Sorry”.

I didn’t think he was really sorry, but I said anyway, “It’s ok…Now it’s my turn!” and I pushed away from him and started counting. When I got to 100, the whole house was quiet. You could have heard a pin drop.

I started by looking in his Mom’s room, although I didn’t think he’d be that stupid to hide there. When I didn’t find him, I went back down the hallway to his room. Not there either. I was trying my darnedest to be quiet as I didn’t want him to hear where I was going and sneak back to a room I had already been in. I looked quickly in the living room and kitchen which were side by side. Nope, not there either. The last place I could think of besides his basement was the bathroom I had used. And I wasn’t about to go down to a strange basement on my own! So, I opened the bathroom door slowly, turned on the light and popped around the door to check in the shower. All of a sudden, I heard him shout “Agggghhhhh” at me and the next thing I knew I was being pulled into the shower and he was turning it on. I yelled at him to stop and he just laughed at me. I started play-hitting him and he grabbed my hands to stop me. He was still laughing at the top of his lungs. I was standing there getting drenched, first in ice cold water, then in tepid and finally in soothingly warm/hot water. He started to kiss me and we stood there getting wet and kissing for several minutes. At one point, he lifted me up (later he said I weighed less than a sparrow) and pushed me up against the shower wall, while he put his hands under my bottom to hold me there. I put my legs around his waist and we kissed like this for another long interlude. I couldn’t get over how strong he was. It felt great to be held like I was a cup of sugar. Of course, I didn’t fail to notice the fact that my nightshirt, bra and panties were getting soaked. I came up for air and said, “So now that you’ve soaked my only clothes I brought for bed, what did you have in mind?”, and immediately realized I shouldn’t have said that!

“Oh, I don’t know. I don’t see why you really need them…”, he purred in my ear.

“That wasn’t the deal”, is all I said. He knew I was right.

“Fine, you can borrow one of my nightshirts”.

“That should be funny”, I laughed. He smiled and kissed me again. He leaned into me so that his whole body was keeping me up.

“Do you want to wash my hair?”, I asked into his neck where I’d been working on him.

“Sure”, he mumbled. He then put me down and got down the shampoo from the shower caddy. He used a good amount and massaged my head. He had to get more shampoo for the rest of my long hair. When he was done, he rinsed it clear. Then he applied some conditioner and worked that through my hair. He kinda reminded me of when I had gone to the hairdresser to get my hair cut. I washed his next by sitting him down on the built in ledge. His hair was thicker than mine and took a while for me to get all of it washed. He then took the soap down and handed it to me. I washed his entire torso and arms and took my time in making sure every spot got clean. It took longer than necessary as he had to stop me several times to kiss me.

“Take off your shirt, so I can wash you now”, he said when I was done.

“No”, I simply said.

“Why not?”, he pushed.

“Because. For one, you wouldn’t be able to control yourself and I don’t want you out of control. And two, I’m not ready. So don’t push me”, I said, feeling a bit self-satisfied at my courage.

“Okay. Then let’s get out of here and dry off”. And with that, he turned off the water, got out of the shower, quickly took off his pants and covered himself with a towel. He faced away from me while he did this, I suspect for my welfare more than his. Then, he put a big towel down on the floor in front of the shower and said, “Just keep your wet clothes in the shower and I’ll dry them. I’ll be right back”. He left the bathroom. I undressed quickly, toweled off, pulled a brush through my hair and stood there with the towel wrapped around me, waiting for him to bring me something to wear. He opened the door about six inches and threw in an over-sized night shirt of his. And even though I no longer had any underwear, at least the shirt did come down to me knees.

Once again, when I opened up the door, he was standing there waiting for me. But this time, all he wore was a pair of checked boxers. He took my hand and led me to the kitchen. He ushered me to sit down at the breakfast bar while he got out the cheesecake. He got just one fork and fed both of us from it. It was just like when he took me out to dinner. He liked to minister to me. He liked to watch me eat. I blushed when he stared at me eating. This was something that had never happened to me. When we finished off the cake, he said, “And now, ladies and gentlemen…” like he had something up his sleeve.

“Yes?”, I asked.

“How ’bout a game of scrabble? Or would you rather watch TV?”.

“Scrabble sounds good”, I said and smiled.

We sat at his kitchen table and played for about an hour. He watched me the entire time I was working on my words. I paid him back in kind. He won hands down, especially after he spelled “xylophone” on a double spot. I yawned at the end of the game. It was nearing 1:00 am and I was tired. He looked as though he could stay up indefinitely, but I knew I needed to go to sleep soon.

“Tired?”, he asked.

“Yes”, I answered.

“Okay. Do you want to use the bathroom? I’ve got your toiletries in there for you”.

“Sure, thanks” and I followed him back to the hall bathroom. I brushed my teeth, washed my face again, brushed out my hair and went to the bathroom. When I exited, he wasn’t waiting for me.

“I’m back here…”, he said, loud enough for me to hear he was in his bedroom.

I followed his voice and found him lying in bed already. He had a full bed so it was a bit bigger than a standard twin, but not by much. I wasn’t sure I could even sleep next to a guy, much less him, in such a small space. But I was tired enough to try. I stood at the door and asked, “If I can’t sleep with you like this, will you go sleep in your Mom’s room?”.

He laughed at that and said, “Sure. Now turn off the light and come over here”. Very matter-of-fact tone of voice.

I turned off the light and said, “I can’t see you” and laughed.

He said, “Over here” again and again to help guide me to where he was. It wasn’t that far from the door. I was just being silly. When I reached his bed. I got under the sheets next to him. He pulled me to him and just lay there taking me in.

“You smell nice”, he said and kissed my neck.

“You do too”, I murmured back. He put one arm under the pillow and the other around my waist to my back. He used his feet to play with mine and kissed me over and over on my neck, my collarbone, my ears, my cheek. Soon we were kissing each other with more passion and verve than we had ever kissed before. I was getting hot and bothered, he was moving against my thigh in stronger and stronger waves. I could feel how thick and stiff he was.

“I want you”, he said lustily.

“I know. I want you too”, I said back. I was starting to feel overwhelmed.

“Take off your shirt”, he said softly.

“No. I’m not ready”, I said and pulled away slightly.

“Tina, don’t tease me”, he said and then, I could tell, thought better of it.

I sat bolt upright in bed and said forcefully, “I’m not trying to tease you”. I made to get out of the bed, but he held my hand to stop me.

“I’m sorry. Look, it’s just that you cannot tell me you want me and not expect me to want to take us further”, and he sounded aggrieved with me.

“I shouldn’t be here” and nearly started to cry. “I’m sorry, but I need to go home”.

“Tina, don’t do this. You don’t need to go home. We can work this out. Look, I’ll sleep on the floor or in my Mom’s bed. I don’t want you to go home. I don’t want us to be mad at each other. I’ve had a great night with you. Haven’t you had a great time with me?”, he sounded a little helpless at this point.

“Yes, I have. I just need more time, Chris”, I said and that tear I was trying to shore up showed it’s ugly face.

“Okay, just please stay. Let’s just go to sleep and talk more in the morning. We’re both tired. Come here”. And I could see the pleading in his eyes.

I lay back down next to Chris and turned to face away from him. He put his arm around me and gently cuddled me. I was so raw from all the emotion and energy between us, that it took me no time whatsoever to fall asleep.

When I awoke, he was still sleeping. We were facing each other, so I just stared at him in his sleeping form. He really was a gorgeous man. I loved his strawberry-blond hair and eyebrows. His little mustache even turned me on. I woke feeling ashamed at how I had behaved last night. I wish I could have just stood my ground without throwing a “tantrum” in front of him. I’m sure other girls had more panache than I had when it came to keeping an amorous partner at bay. After about 20 minutes, he opened his eyes and yawned. He turned over to face the wall and went back to sleep. I lightly scratched his back to bring him back to consciousness. He “mmmmm”ed and I could tell he liked my touching him. Finally, he turned around and faced me with a big smile on his face.

“Sleep well?”, he asked. I could see a hint of real concern in his eyes.

“Very…and you?”, I asked back.

“Like a baby”, he smiled. I got up then and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, take a pee and check my general appearance. When I was content that my bed head wasn’t too awful bad, I went back to his room. He opened up the sheets for me to get back into bed.

“About last night…”, I started.

“Don’t think anything of it”, he said reassuringly.

“I’m sorry I reacted like I did, Chris. I wish I had done something different than get all upset”.

“It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you again”, he said quietly.

“It’s nobody’s fault. I do want you. Every fiber in my body wants you. But I have to make sure I can trust you first. I have to make sure that my brain is on board as well as my body”, I explained.

“I understand. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way for a guy”, he laughed, “All I need is my body there and trust me, my body’s been there since day one”.

“I wish it were that easy for me”, I said and looked down.

“I do too…But the important thing is that you are still here. We made it through the night with each other. Hell, I can do anything if I can sleep next to you all night long”. And with that, he kissed me. Not a deep passionate, feel-him-all-over-me kiss, but a sweet long lip-to-lip kiss. He asked me if I was hungry and I said that I was ravenous. He got out of bed, used the bathroom and went to the kitchen to make us bacon and eggs. I laid in bed smelling his scent on the pillows. They smelled of cinnamon and after shave and even a little lavender.

When he brought back the tray, I was astonished. He had a rose in a bud vase, scrambled eggs with cheese, crispy bacon and rye toast with butter and jelly. We sat on his bed both eating from the tray and talking about what we were doing that day. He actually had a practice with the offensive coach at 2:00 pm. I told him I would probably be studying and doing chores all day. He said he’d like to call me later when he got done. I said that was fine. I thanked him for the wonderful breakfast and also for being such a perfect host. When we were done eating, I helped him clean up the kitchen, the Scrabble game and anything else that was out of place. He got my clothes and undies out of the dryer and I went to go get dressed. When I came out to find him, he was getting dressed in his room. I walked in on him as he was pulling up his sweat pants. He had no compunction over my seeing him this way. The glimpse I got of his legs were like heaven on earth. God, what was I waiting for anyway? This guy would so obviously make a woman the best lover she had ever had. Why did I need to take so much time? Why couldn’t I just tempt fate and throw in the towel right here, right now. He could tell I was torn over something and said, “What?…You ok?”.

“Yeh, I’m fine. Just thinking….” and I was mad he had even witnessed my inner dilemma.

He had some things to do around the house and told me to stay as long as I liked, but I didn’t want to be in there if he was mowing the grass or cleaning out the garage. Plus, it felt like the date was over. I didn’t want to tarry, didn’t want to be a pest. I said my goodbyes and he walked me to my car. We stood out by my car door and kissed for a final 10 minutes. Every time I went to turn around to get in the car, he’d pull me back. And when he would pull away as though to leave, I would pull him to me. Finally, “I’ll call you tonight”, he said. Boy, if I had a dime for every time I’d heard that. But not from him. He’d never said that and not followed through. So, I needed to lose the chip that was sitting squarely on my shoulders and start to trust again. Easier said than done.

Chris called me at 7:00 that night and pretty much at 7:00 every night thereafter, except for the ones in which I was with him. We went out every weekend in September and October and I ended up staying there at least once or twice each month. He wanted more, I didn’t think my parents would accept that I was staying over at a friend’s house that much. So far, we had not gotten caught. But I knew it was only a matter of time. That’s how these things always go. In late October, we were lying in bed talking and Chris said, out of the blue, “Go to Michigan with me”.

“What?”, I asked.

“Michigan. I want you to go with my Mom and me. I have to go there next weekend. You know, to see the campus, meet with the Dean, coaches, scouts, etc. I want you to go too. You said it’s your target school. There might be a chance we could go there together”. He sounded very excited.

“Okay, not to rain on your little parade here, but first of all, I have not been accepted and, at this point, I probably won’t be. Secondly, my parents would probably flip!”.

“I’ll bet if my Mom talked to your Mom and explained that we’ll all have our own rooms and you will take a campus tour while I”m talking football, well I’ll bet she’d let you go. Hey, this way, they don’t have to take you when you do get in”.

“So, we’ll have our own rooms?”, I asked, starting to get excited even though I knew I shouldn’t.

“Standard football ‘kiss-ass’ procedure. I could bring 10 people with me and we’d all be put up in the nicest hotel available”, he boasted.

“Wow, they must really want you…”, I said in amazement.

“Yeh, well they better come through, if you know what I mean”, he laughed.

The next Monday, Mrs. McIntyre called my Mom to talk about a chaperoned visit to Michigan with her and Chris. My Mom thanked her for the information and said she’d talk it over with my Dad and get back to them. I could tell she was astonished when she got off the phone. I told her all about where we would be staying, the tour, how the Campus Greeks were going to set me up with a Sorority sister to tour the campus with. She could tell I was brimming with pure excitement. When my Dad got home, I knew already I had won any debate they might have over my going. Mrs. McIntyre, Molly, came over with Chris the next night for dinner, having been invited by my mother. My parents thought she was great. And, of course, Chris could do no harm. I kept thanking God they didn’t know about our overnights at his house. Chris and I suspected that his mother had an inkling about what went on when she wasn’t there. But she never approached or accused us of any wrong-doing. And really, up to this point, there hadn’t been.

Chapter 8 – Michigan

So, on November 4th, Mrs. McIntyre, Chris and I set out in her Lincoln Towncar for Ann Arbor, Michigan. We ended up going on a Thursday, since Chris had several meetings the next day. I was surprised my parents didn’t mind me missing a couple days of school, but they felt that this was more important. I was going to graduate whether I took the courses I was taking or not. And they knew I would study while away, so they gave me their blessings and sent me packing. The drive was long and tedious. We stopped a couple times along the way, but mostly drove and drove. We took turns driving so it wouldn’t get so laborious for any one of us. The times I enjoyed most were when Chris’s Mom took naps in the back seat and let Chris and I cuddle while he drove. We smiled a lot and even kissed a little. He was purely psyched to be going to see a school. I was starting to believe he really wanted to go to Michigan. He knew it was a dream of mine. It was just too bad I hadn’t heard back. He told me not to worry, he was sure I’d get in.

When we got to the Hotel, it was 10:00 pm and we were exhausted. It was a really nice Hyatt that we stayed at. He was right. Only the best. Mrs. McIntyre showed me to my room which was across the hall from hers and next to Chris’s. How convenient, was all I could think. I said my goodnights to both Chris and his Mom and busied myself with unpacking, showering and getting ready for bed. When I was about to get into bed, I heard a light tapping at a door that went between my room and his. Did Mrs. McIntyre know that we had adjoining rooms? Surely not. I opened up my side of the double doorway to find Chris standing there in just those cute little pajama pants, like he had worn at his house. He smiled down at me and edged me back into my room.

“I thought you’d never be ready”, he said in that low, sensual tone of voice of his.

“Well, I had to wash my hair and put everything away”, I smiled back teasingly.

As he lightly pushed me back towards the bed, he asked, “Can I come in?” and smiled that Cheshire cat smile of his.

“Uhhh, I’d say you’re already in”, and put my hands on his pecs.

He picked me up underneath my butt and I grabbed his shoulders to keep from tipping backwards. He walked me over to the bed and laid my back down gently on the side of the bed. He put his large, calloused hands on either side of my head and leaned down to kiss me.

“I want you, Tina”, he murmured in my ear as he nibbled my earlobe.

I teased back, “What are you waiting for then? Permission?”. That was all she wrote! He pulled my nightshirt over my head and I heard a big intake of air as he looked at my breasts for the first time.

“Oh my dear God, you are more gorgeous than I had imagined”, he said as he dipped down to swallow up one of my nipples. He tugged on it and licked and sucked until it was hard as a rock and then he had decided the other one was lonely. So, he feasted on that one too. I pulled down his pants while he did this and he stepped out of them without letting go of me. Then he pulled off my panties, still kissing my breasts.

“Chris, can we move up on the bed?”, I squeaked as I was really starting to get uncomfortable with my body half on and half off.

“Sure, here” and he shoved me up to the pillows. As he did this, he crawled on top of me, but he wouldn’t put his whole weight on me. I saw his penis for the first time while this was happening and just about sobbed. He was huge. I should have known. I did know, really. But, as they say, seeing is believing.

He smiled when he saw my shocked face and said, “Welcome to Chris land”.

I laughed, well really cracked up, over this. “Chris land?” I asked, giggling into his face. Just then, he bent down and kissed me so hard and fast that my breath really did get taken away.

“Are you ready?” he asked me sweetly. I put my hands all over his body and sighed, “Yes, god yes”. But, Chris didn’t have intercourse in mind. Because right after I said that, he started moving down the bed. He pulled my legs over his shoulders and dipped down between my thighs. When I felt his tongue lick my clit, I moaned “Ohhhhhhh” and didn’t really stop until he had me sated and limp. He licked, sucked, nuzzled and otherwise flicked my clit with his tongue and his teeth. I couldn’t believe the orgasms he gave me. I kept coming and coming and finally I had to yell “Oh God, Chris, stop. I can’t take it anymore”. Even then, he continued to lick tiny little licks every few seconds or so. When he could tell that I wasn’t going to orgasm anymore, he went to the bathroom, got a towel and came back to have some more of me. He was hard as a rock. I was going to be sore. He said again, “Are you ready?” and before I had a chance to say anything, he was mounting me and pushing his stiff cock into my wet, soft pussy. He closed his eyes briefly as he entered me and said, “Oh yehhhhhh, that is so FUCKING good”. He rode me hard and fast and never let up until he was shuddering on top of me. He held his torso over me while he dug his dick into me, faster and faster. I put my hands on his chest and tugged gently on his nipples. Oh, he liked that. He liked that a lot. When he finally came, it was so hard, I could feel him throb inside of me. He shuddered for several seconds and then fell on top of me with a thud. I welcomed his body weight and played with his hair while he tried to catch his breath. After a few minutes, he rolled over off of me and eased up to look at me. I smiled a soft, little smile and he kissed me gently.

“That was amazing”, he said thoughtfully.

“You’re telling me”, I purred back. I turned on my side to face him and pushed his hair back out of his face. We kissed for what seemed like forever. Finally, he said, “We should probably get some sleep. I have to be up around 7:00 tomorrow”. He sounded every bit regretful.

“You should probably sleep in your own room, then”, I said even though I didn’t want that at all.

“Yeh, I guess so” and he got up to put his pants on and go. He kissed me quickly, told me he’d see me in the morning and then left my room.

I cried soundlessly after he left. I was so overwhelmed by what had just happened between us. I wanted him to hold me so badly, but I knew he had to get his sleep so he could be on top of his “game”. I went to the bathroom, so I could wipe up myself and looked in the mirror. I looked wretched. Red eyes, tears still flowing, my hair disheveled, my breasts red from his beard scratch. I nearly laughed at my vision, but I just couldn’t. He hadn’t even said that he loved me. That’s what hurt most of all. I’m sure it never even occurred to him. Hell, we’d only been dating a couple months. Why should he feel that way about me? I wanted to cry harder thinking these thoughts, but I willed myself to not be loud. I did NOT want Chris coming in here to see me this way. I put my nightshirt back on, settled back into bed and eventually fell asleep. What had been such a beautiful event for us, got ruined by the fact that I simply needed more of Chris than he was able or wanting to give.

When I awoke the next morning, Chris and Mrs. McIntyre were both gone. I knew they were getting an early start. I helped myself to the breakfast buffet and decided to take a walk around campus. I got a cab over to the Student Union. I walked around the campus, but it was a cold, dreary day out so I decided to go back to the hotel and read until Chris was back. I had a guided walking tour set up for Saturday, so I knew I would see everything I wanted to see. When I got back to the room, I took a hot bath (I was still a little sore from last night) and settled down to read a book. Next thing I knew, Chris was standing over me as I slept on the bed. I smiled up at him and he jumped on the bed, landing next to me. He sprawled out, nudging me over until I was left with very little room. He put his arms around me and kissed the side of my head.

“How was your day?”, I asked interestedly.

“Well, let’s just put it this way. If I wanted to go to Michigan, they’d bend over backwards to make sure I was happy”, he smiled and laughed.

“Ok, so what does that mean in human speak?”, I asked and laughed with him.

“Well it means that I can pretty much name my price. They want me”.

“I see. And do you want them?”, I asked seriously now.

“I’m not sure yet. All depends…”, he said. He looked over at me and smiled and I could tell he wanted to kiss me.

“Wait”, I said pushing him off a little, “what does it depend on?”, I asked.

“On where you decide to go”, he said softly. I was stunned. I was shocked. How could he say such a thing?

“How can you say such a thing?”, I asked with large eyes.

“Do you want to go to Michigan?”, he asked me, leaving all thoughts of kissing alone.

“Well, yes. But I haven’t been accepted. And I’m starting to think I won’t be. I mean they should have contacted me before now” and right then he put his index finger over my mouth to shush me.

“You have been accepted”, he said.

“How do you know this? Who told you?”, I asked astounded.

“Just trust me, you’re in”, he said cryptically. I sat bolt upright in bed. Confused.

“What are you saying? I’m NOT in”, I started to raise my voice.

“Tina, calm down! You’re in because I say that I want you with me. Simple as that”, he smiled broadly.

“Are you shitting me? They would actually admit another student just to win your ass for their football team?”

“Yeh, they would. And have”, he smiled again. “Welcome to your new Alma Mater”.

I got off the bed, went to the mirror and looked into it without seeing. I turned around and looked back at Chris who was lazily slouched on the bed. I furrowed my brows and tilted my head, trying to get a hold of what he was telling me.

“I’m not sure I want you directing people to admit me. I wanted to get into Michigan on my own! How dare you presume to make my life decisions for me?” as my voice climbed steadily.

He looked amazed. “But I thought this was what you wanted? I thought you wanted to go to Mich. I thought you wanted us to be together next year”, and he sounded a little indignant and sad at the same time.

“Well now I don’t know what I want! Thanks to you!!”, and I strode out of the room into the bathroom. I was flabbergasted. How dare he make this move on me. I didn’t know whether to be outraged or flattered. I settled on outraged as I couldn’t turn my emotions around enough to see the flattery in it. He wanted to be with me! Wow, that was such a compliment. He staked his whole college career on whether they would admit me with him. That was triple the compliment. When I had a chance to calm down, I listened to see if he was still in my room. I didn’t hear anything, so I slowly opened the bathroom door to peek in. Chris was still sitting/lying on the bed with his arms folded over his head and his ankles crossed. The picture of lazy innocence.

“I guess I should be thanking you”, I said softly.

“No. Not really. They wouldn’t have accepted you if you were a complete loser”, he said matter-of-factly.

“Oh great, thanks”, I spit out sarcastically.

“You’re welcome”, he said gently. “You know, I really don’t know what you want. I thought you wanted to be with me. I thought you really wanted to go to Michigan. I thought this whole scheme was perfect”. I could tell he was more than a bit irate.

“It is”. And I looked up and smiled at him. He motioned me to come over to the bed, so I crawled up next to him and put my head on his chest. He wrapped both arms around me and we lay there for a long time. Finally, I felt and heard his stomach grumbling and said, “You hungry?”. He nodded. We both got up and went across the hall to his Mom’s room. She was just finishing a book and smiled when she saw it was us. She hugged me, I suppose to congratulate me on my entrance to Michigan. We celebrated at a fancy Steak house, where Chris downed a 16 oz. Porterhouse and fed me bites of his cheesecake. We talked and laughed about his meetings he had had today. I found out from Mrs. McIntyre that Michigan was offering Chris more than several other Universities combined. He would have a large apartment, a new car, everything paid for, a private tutor (which he really didn’t need), and assistance with Draft picks when he was a Senior. They were going to start him as their 1st String Wide Receiver, thereby kicking out the Junior who now occupied that position. He just smiled and ate while his Mom flowered him with praise. I could tell he was psyched. It was hard not to be excited for him. He deserved all of this. I couldn’t help think that football players, the good ones, really had it easy. And it wasn’t very fair. But, here I was about to ride in on his coattails and I still didn’t know how I felt about it. He, of course, saw no problem asking to have me admitted as part of his “package deal”. I don’t think my parents would mind either. Heck, he probably could have gotten me a scholarship! Okay, I wouldn’t push my luck.

Chris and I decided to go to a late Movie and his Mom declined, so we dropped her off at the Hyatt and went out to see the new “007” movie. He enjoyed it immensely, I had a hard time paying attention. I just had so much on my mind. I knew I wanted to go to Michigan. It was my target school. It was the school that I got most excited about when I thought about leaving home. My Dad was an alumni and he was pushing for me to go here too. Boy, was he going to flip when he heard I’d been admitted! It was just that I felt that Chris and I were still so precarious in our relationship. We had just made love for the very first time and, although physically it was better than I had expected, there was something missing emotionally. I felt a bit bereft after he left so quickly. I needed to be held, to be loved, for him to tell me how he felt about me. And none of that was present. Instead, I had felt alone and empty. When the movie was over, it was nearly midnight. Chris drove us back to the hotel and I immediately got ready for bed. I heard the same little tapping on our adjoining door and answered it wearing just a sheer little nightgown.

“Mind I if I come in?”, he said smiling sweetly.

“Of course not. Do you mind if we sleep?”. He looked a little disappointed.

“Sure, no problem”, always the nice guy. So we got under the covers and cuddled up to each other and before I knew it, I was sound asleep. The fact that I was able to fall asleep so easily next to Chris spoke volumes to me on my degree of comfort with him.

I woke up around 4:00 in the morning to him kissing me. He started with my forehead and slowly moved his way down. When he got to my chest, he pulled my short nightgown over my head and went to town again on my breasts.

“Jesus, Tina, you are so beautiful. I fucking love your tits” and I laughed. I had known this from the beginning, hadn’t I? He sucked and played and took my panties off while he did this. Then he moved down further to lick my belly button, nibble on my hip bones, and kiss the insides of my thighs. He pulled off all the covers so he could breath while he sucked and licked on my clitoris. While he got me hotter and hotter, he pushed first one long finger into my vagina and then 2 fingers. He could feel how wet I was and this made him even more aroused. I could feel the length of his stiff shaft up against my leg as he finger-fucked and sucked me off. When I came, it was fierce. I came easily 10 times as he flicked his tongue on me. God, he was masterful. I couldn’t help but wonder who had taught him how to do that. When he could tell I was spent, he quickly moved up on me. I opened my legs as far as they would go and grabbed my breasts for him to suck on. He entered me and nibbled on my tits at the same time. His arms circled my head and he pushed down around me to bring himself as far into my cunt as he could. I lifted my knees higher to allow him to reach as far inside me as he could. Once he felt me surround his stiff dick with my entire space, he started to move in and out. Slowly at first, and he smiled down on me.

“Do you like that?”, he murmured and then drew in a deep breath.

“You know I fucking do!”, I whispered. “Will you fuck me as hard as you can?”, I said in a baby-doll voice. And with that, he just about lost it. He started slamming into me, pounding me with his dick and his pelvis. I had to put my hands up on the headboard to keep myself from hitting my head on it. I arched my back to make my breasts touch his chest and he took his hands and placed them around my back. He kept pulling me down on him as he pushed up on me. It was intense, to say the least. He knew how to fuck me just like I liked. I moaned and said, “Oh yes, fuck me you big dick. Fuck me til you blow your load”. He loved that! Asked me to talk more and I did. I told him what a fucker he was and how I was going to make him get me off all night long. I told him that he was only good to me as my fucker and I would make him my sex slave. No matter what I said, he loved it and worked faster and faster on top of me. He came so hard, he arched his back and pushed off of the bed and groaned, “Oh God! I’m coming so hard”. He shuddered that cute little shudder of his and flopped down on top of me. I smiled at how intense he was, at how he had responded to my talk and ministrations.

And then I started to cry. He immediately shot up and off me thinking he was hurting me. It wasn’t that at all. I was beyond words or meaning. I just cried because I was so overwhelmed by it all.

“Hey, babe. Don’t cry….What’s the matter?”, he tried to console. I turned away from him and continued to cry. He tried to console me. He rubbed my back, put his arm around me. And the whole time I just cried more and more.

“Did I do something?”. I shook my head no.

“Did you not like it?”.

I said, “I loved it”.

“Then, why, Tina, are you crying?….It must be something that I did”. I didn’t respond and he just kept holding me and rocking me back and forth to soothe me. After a few more minutes, the tears abated and I turned around to look at Chris. He looked very worried and concerned.

“I’m crying because I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I’m crying because I feel like I never want it to end. Chris, this is as close as I’ve ever been with anyone….And I’m scared…”.

“Oh God, Tina, is that it?….You know I feel the same way. I have since I met you practically. Tina. I love you. I haven’t ever said that to anyone, besides my Mom, in my life. But I can with you. I LOVE you! Don’t you know that?”.

“Well, I didn’t until right now. Chris, I love you too. But being with you still scares me. I’m not going to be enough for you. You already have beautiful girls fawning all over you. Can you imagine what it’s going to be like at College? I’m not sure I could come here with you, just to have you break up with me cause some Junior babe wants to get her hooks into you”.

“Is that all the faith you have in me? Geez, Tina, give me a little credit here. I told you before I’m not a “love em and leave em” kind of guy. What we share has so much more to do than just how beautiful I find you. I love being with you. I love how smart you are. I love playing and making love and just being with you. If you think I’m going to give you up for some floozy, you have another thing coming entirely. And, what’s more, by the time we do go to Mich, we’ll have been together for a year. That has to mean something to you, right?”.

“How can you be so sure we’ll stay together? We’ve only been dating a couple months”, I said questioningly.

“Because, these are the hardest 2 months that we’ll probably ever have!”, he exclaimed. I could see what he was saying. It’s always harder at the beginning when you are getting to know someone. But, the first few months of infatuation usually helped glide the way.

“I don’t know about that, Chris”.

“You know, Tina, we don’t have to make trouble where there is none. If, by next August, you don’t want to have anything to do with me, you’ll still be going to your favorite school. And lord knows it’s huge enough that we never have to see each other”, he said soberly.

“Yeh, that’s true”, I said softly.

“Can’t we just enjoy ourselves and not worry about the future. We’re in love and that does NOT happen every day, you know?”, and he smiled and kissed my nose.

“Are you mad at me?”, I asked shyly.

“NO! Why should I be?”.

“Because I cry sometimes after sex”, I looked forlorn.

“Oh God, Tina. You can cry all you want after sex as long as you let me hold you and comfort you…..Ok?”, and I smiled so he smiled and we kissed long and full. He pulled my legs up to circle him and next thing you knew, we were at it again. This time, he wasn’t as brutally passionate, more sweet and steady. We kissed almost the whole time until he was moving inside me so fast that we couldn’t hold on with our lips. He grabbed my breasts as he came and arched back with his shudder. And then, when he was sated, he pulled me to his chest and pulled the covers over us. We slept next to the wet spot and as close to each other as was physically possible.

When we woke, it was nearly 10:00 am. We had a noon tour of the campus with this Sorority sister, so we got up, showered and got ready. We were too late for breakfast, so we grabbed a burger on the way. His Mom had already left to meet with the Dean and Coaches to iron out his “deal” and have a formal lunch with several of the School’s dignitaries. When we went to the fountain where we were supposed to meet “Susan”, she was already waiting even though we were on time. She introduced herself to me and Chris and began the walking tour of Michigan University. I noticed she barely looked at me, but Chris didn’t seem to think anything of this. He was about as interested in her as a Tom Cat is to a dog. She was a good tour guide, though, so I tried to get over the fact that she could have cared less if I was there or not. When we were done, it was around 2:00 pm and Chris and I decided to look around on our own. We went into Dormitories, Class buildings, the Student Union (where we got ice creams) and walked along the outlaying trails where people were running and walking. It was a beautiful campus. We walked down to the stadium and looked out over it from a nearby hill. I could tell that Chris was excited when he looked on it. He wanted to be a star at a big school. This was his dream for a long time. Question was, was I really going to be a part of it?

Saturday night, the three of us went out for Pizza at a local dive that served the best pizza in Ann Arbor. His mom got us beers (just one) and we laughed and discussed our day with her. She told Chris how she had wrapped everything up and the “deal was done”. He said he felt good about his decision. I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that decision was based on me. I tried not to think about it. We were both still tired from the night before, so we decided to just hang out at the Hotel. When we got back, though, Chris had more than “hanging out” on his mind. He didn’t even bother going into his room. He simply plopped down on my bed and told me to “come to daddy”! I laughed at this and did as I was told. He took off his shirt and then mine. He took of his pants and then mine. He removed my bra and panties and I watched him as he took off his briefs. He was simply beautiful with that big body of his. He pulled me up off the bed and guided me by my hand to the bathroom, where he started a shower for us. It felt good to be under the hot, running spray of water after a long day. He started kissing me after we had washed each other’s bodies. And then, before I could say “boo”, he picked me up and impaled me against the shower wall. I put my legs around his torso to keep from falling. He held me up under my butt and fucked me hard and long. We kissed almost the entire time he was pumping me. He had to bend over to do this, so I can’t imagine it was comfortable. When he came, it was hard and long, I could tell. He let out a yell, but I quickly covered his mouth with mine. I hoped nobody heard him. He kept me lifted up for a few more minutes while he caught his breath and kissed me some more. And then he pulled me up and off of him and gently put me back to standing on the shower floor. We were both exhausted from the exertion. When we had washed our hair and I had dripped his cum out of me, we toweled off and got in bed. He gathered me up to him and said, “How did I ever get so lucky?”.

“Hmmm? Lucky?”, I asked.

“You. How did I ever get so lucky to find you?” and I smiled. We kissed for several minutes while he groped for my breasts and I rubbed his back with my hands. He turned me over onto my back and sucked on my nipples until they were hard, like nice big pebbles. He loved to play with my breasts for long periods of time. This was what turned him on more than anything else. He moved down my body, licking and teasing the entire length of it. And then, finally, he settled on my curly patch. He parted my lips and found my clit and licked there until I was breathing hard and moaning. When he knew I was about to come, he stopped.

“What?”, I said, frustrated that he wasn’t going to bring me to a head. And then he started sucking on my clit and that brought me closer and closer. He stopped again.

“Aghhhh”, I said laughingly, “don’t do that”. And he started again, but this time he did that flicking motion with the tip of his tongue. That sent me over. I came harder and longer than I ever had before. He knew exactly what he was doing.

When I was done, he turned me over and mounted me from behind. He pulled my hips up and sunk his big, thick dick into my tight, wet pussy. He kept saying, “I’m gonna get you” and “Oh yeh, I’m fucking you bitch” and I would respond “Are you going to? Huh? Am I your little bitch?”. He loved when I talked to him. It made him move faster and harder. I had to put my hands on the headboard to keep him from pounding me into it. I knew he didn’t know just how hard he pushed and I didn’t mind it. Hell, I loved it. I loved feeling the length of him up against the farthest wall of my vagina. I loved how crazy he could get. He never hurt me. He was very careful actually, seeing what I had been through with Steve. He was just boisterous and fun and sexy. I loved making love to him. We both had a hard time getting enough of each other. I was the one who had to call a truce! I was just so sore after the 5th or 6th time. We fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, sated, sleepy, and thoroughly sexed.

When we woke up on Sunday, we showered, dressed and went to breakfast with his Mom. If she knew anything of what had gone on in my room, she was mum on it. I was thankful. We drove home in much the same fashion as we drove there. But this time, Chris had to talk all about Michigan, what it offered, what he and the coaches had discussed. He was just plain psyched. I couldn’t help, but catch on to some of his excitement. I still didn’t know that I was definitely going to Michigan. I needed to talk to my folks and my girlfriends first. I still felt bad that I had gotten in on his coattails.

He dropped me off at my home and kissed me goodbye. When I entered my home, I immediately went back to my parents room to discuss the trip with them. I told them about how he had decided to go there. I told them about his wanting me to go too. They were skeptical, to say the least. Chris had so muddled everything by 1) telling the Dean that he wanted me there and 2) telling me I was in before I had received my Acceptance. I couldn’t help but think he should have kept his big mouth shut. But I knew he was just extra-excited. I knew I had to either forgive him and go or forgive him and not go. It didn’t help that I really wanted to go to Michigan. And like he said, it didn’t matter how I got in as long as I was going where I wanted. Yeh, but what if we broke up? Then, I’d have to see his face plastered everywhere as this football God. Could I get over him if we went to the same school? Even if it had 30,000 kids? Decisions, decisions.

Chapter 9 – Package Deal

We got home at 10:30 pm, so it was too late to call Joyce, even though that’s all that was on my mind. I had to wait until the next day, at school, to talk this over with her. When I saw Chris in English, I barely spoke to him. I was already beginning to fume, even if there was a part of me that knew I had no right to. When I finally saw Joyce after our first hour, I pulled her aside.

“So how did the weekend go?”, she asked, full of excitement.

“Good and bad”, I responded under my breath.

“So? Tell all!”. She obviously did not understand my meaning from my dry tone of voice.

“Well, to tell the truth, I don’t know quite what to think. Joyce, he got me into Michigan. He totally went over my head and made the higher ups admit me because he wanted it and they wanted him”, I frowned and pursed my lips.

Finally getting my drift, “What? You mean they just bent backwards for this guy and admitted you? Geez, that’s nerve for ya. But wait a minute Tina, I thought you wanted to go there. I mean, does it really matter?”, she said beseechingly.

“Well, yeh! It does. I mean, how do I know I would have gotten in if he hadn’t pulled a fast one? I just feel like I’ve been robbed of knowing that Michigan truly wanted me to go there”. I could hear the whine in my voice.

Calming down, Joyce said, “So, is that that big of a deal? I mean really, Tina. You wanted to go to Mich, you got your wish. I actually think it was kinda sweet of Chris to say you had to come or he wouldn’t! I mean how many guys would manipulate a school into accepting their girlfriend? You have to look at it from that perspective. Hey, did you guys do it?”, she asked furtively.

I nodded and said, “I gotta get to Calc. We’ll talk more later…” and ran off in one direction as she ran in the other.

When I got to Calculus, he was looking for me to enter. I averted his eyes and sat in the chair next to him like I always did. I got my books out and listened to Mr. Pride chastise me for being late. I apologized to him and he went on with solving the homework problems. Chris would not take his eyes off of me so I finally looked over. He had a note ready to give me. It read:

“Are we in trouble? Do I need to apologize for something?”

I scribbled on the paper underneath each question, “Yes!” and “Yes!”. And gave it back to him. He furrowed his brows and wrote “Will you come to Homecoming with me?”, to which I simply decided to crumple the piece of paper as Mr. Pride was looking back at me again. The teacher asked me if there was a problem and I said, “No”. Then he asked me to come solve the last problem from homework and I left my seat to do this. Chris and I didn’t talk the rest of the hour. When it was time to leave, I did so without haste and without talking to Chris about why we were in trouble or what he needed to apologize for.

I didn’t see him until Lunch hour and he was waiting for me at the front of the lunchroom. We went through the line together without talking and found a table off to ourselves.

He started, “So tell me why we’re in trouble”, and I could tell that was all he’d been thinking about in 3rd and 4th hours.

“I don’t think I want to go to Michigan with you”, I said, averting my eyes from his. When he didn’t say anything for a while, I looked up. He was looking down.

“Why?”, he finally asked. “Why now after you were so excited about it before? I thought you wanted to go there. I thought we wanted to go there. That’s why we went there this past weekend”. He looked up into my eyes and I could see sorrow and bewilderment there.

“So, that’s the only reason that we went? Because you thought I wanted it? Would you not go there if it weren’t for me?”, I asked back to him. I was getting angrier by the minute.

“No, I want to go there. I just thought we both wanted to go there. It seemed perfect to me. And now, I don’t understand you. What happened that now you decide you don’t want to go?”, he shot back angrily.

I tried to calm down. I didn’t want a bunch of people to witness our first fight.

“Look, let’s talk about this later. I think we are both just too upset right now. I don’t want to have this conversation in the lunch room, if you know what I mean. I’ll wait for you after practice, ok?” and my eyes softened with a bit of sadness.

“Ok”, he said and got up abruptly to go eat with his football buddies. I went over to where Joyce and my other friends were sitting. When I sat down, no one asked me what was going on. They could tell it wasn’t good as my eyes were starting to tear up. Joyce handed me a tissue and I blew my nose with it. I tried to eat, but couldn’t. I waited for my gang to get up and go have a smoke. Joyce tried, “Are you ok?”.

“Yeh. I’m just mad and confused. I wish he hadn’t done anything. I wish I’d gotten into Michigan on my own. He says he did it because he knew it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I wanted to make it into Mich on my own, not because some coach is trying to get Chris to come there and play a stupid game. But he doesn’t see it. He only sees what he wants and that’s for us to be together no matter what”.

“Well, you have to give him a little bit of credit Tina”, Joyce said softly, “He wants you two to be together no matter what. I mean, that’s pretty sweet, when you think about it. Now, granted he went about it the wrong way. But he only did it because he loves you. He knew this was what you wanted, well at least the end result was what you wanted. I know he spoiled it for you, but isn’t the important part that you go to Mich? I mean, you can prove that you deserve to be there after you get there! You can wow them by getting great grades!”, she continued in an upbeat tone of voice. I couldn’t help but agree that she had some good points. I knew I needed to just get over myself and accept his interference as his way of showing me he wants to be with me. I was going to try.

When he got done with practice, I could tell he was in a bad mood.

“How was practice?”, I asked tentatively.

“Shitty”, he retorted.

“Then this isn’t the time to talk. I’m going to go home and talk with my parents about this whole Michigan thing some more. I’ll call you tonight”, and started for my car. He jogged up to me and pulled me to him. We stood by my car just hugging for a minute or so.

“Hey”, he started. I just stood still, with my head against his collarbone.

“Will you at least go to Homecoming with me?”, he said and gently pushed me back so he could see my face. I had tears forming. Homecoming was this next weekend and I knew it was important to him since he’d been nominated for King.

“Sure….I’d love to” and smiled. He bent down and kissed me lightly on my cheek and then my lips. I returned the kiss and told him again that I’d call him. I got into my car as he went for his truck. He turned around and smiled at me, but I was already taking off. Every time I was around him, I couldn’t think straight. Part of me would get mad all over again and part of me wanted to be with him no matter what College he went to.

When I got home, I pulled my Mom aside and told her what I was thinking. She felt like Joyce did. She said that it didn’t matter how I got in, so long as I did. She agreed that Chris was being a bit heavy-handed, but only because he wanted to make sure we were together. I told her about Homecoming and she was overjoyed that we would be going to it together. I couldn’t talk to my parents about Chris. They thought he was some kind of demi-God. Most people thought this way. I mean, he was not only great in sports, but really smart too. I knew I should feel lucky that he loved me and I did. But there was a part of me that didn’t trust him. A part that was still angry at him for being so under-handed. Like I was just a part of the deal he had made. What if we broke up? Would he still go there? Was he going there because of me? Or was I going there because of him? Would I not have gotten in had he not pulled strings? Shit! It just tore me up inside to think of all these possibilities.

I called him later, only because I said I would.

“Hello”, he answered the phone on the 1st ring.

“Hi”, I said and you could tell I didn’t want to be calling.

“So, you’re still mad”, he sighed.

“Well, I’m not overjoyed, if that’s what you were looking for”, I said sarcastically.

“Is there anything I can say to help you out here? To make you feel better?”. I could tell he was grasping at straws, trying to make my anger dissipate.

“Answer me this. If we break up, are you still going to go to Michigan?”, I shot out angrily.

“Are we breaking up?”, he asked, starting to match my angry tone-of-voice.

“Well, maybe we should. So I can see what you really want!”, and with that I hung up. I knew it probably made no sense to him, but I was pissed. I was ready to just be done with Chris McIntyre and his hero-worshiping entourage. I was sick of the way he constantly got his way and how people bent over backwards for him. He needed to be brought down a notch or two. He needed to know that not everyone was pleased to be part of his “package”. And then I realized, that’s how I felt. Like I was just a part of his “package” deal. I started crying just as the phone started ringing.

I let my mother answer it and she came into my room to let me know Chris was on the phone for me. I told her that I didn’t want to talk to him. She could see I was upset and left my room so I could have my privacy. That was good of her. I needed to just be by myself. I needed to just feel my feelings of hurt and anger for a while. I knew I would get over this. I had before, I could again. I guess I was just happy that I didn’t go through a whole year before I realized who I was dealing with. Things with Steve had been eerily similar. I mean, a football star is a football star. They get their way, they are treated like a hero and no one makes them accountable. Well, now I was. Chris was accountable for the error in judgment he had made. I would NOT be part of his entourage. I would not be a part of anyone’s package deal. I was my own person. I could get into a college of my own choosing with no one’s help. I could go to Indiana, where I had already been accepted. If I stayed with Chris, I would forever be in his shadow. I would be Chris McIntyre’s girlfriend, not Tina Taylor. And even if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I didn’t want to be in his shadow. Geez, if he hadn’t told me I’d gotten in to Michigan and they had just sent me an acceptance letter, I would have never known. I probably would have never come to this conclusion. I would have never thought about how it feels to be in someone else’s shadow. What a different day this would be.

But it wasn’t going to be that different day. He had to tell me because he was so happy that we would be together. That he would have that part of his package all sewn up! And what was I to him? A good lay? A warm body to come home to after he won the game? Geez, how could I have been so stupid? Why did I not see him for who he was? After all, he wasn’t that much different than Steve. I didn’t need to deal with this all over again. Why had I allowed myself to get involved with Chris? Why couldn’t I find a guy who wanted to be with me just for me? Was there such a guy out there? I was beginning to wonder. I was sure Chris wasn’t that guy. While I was lying on my bed thinking all of these negative thoughts about him, I heard the doorbell ring. I heard my Mom answer the door and some murmuring in the front foyer. I knew who it was as he walked down the hall to my room. For a moment, I panicked. But then I thought that there was no way to get out of this conversation. Not if I wanted to have peace restored back into my life. Which I did.

He knocked on my door.

“Yes?”, I said softly. The door gently opened and that 6’2” boy stood in the door frame waiting for me to invite him in.

“Come in”, I said and sat up on my bed. I leaned against the wall and asked him to come sit next to me.

“Are you ok?”, he asked shyly.

“I’m better. Sorry for hanging up on you. That was immature of me”. He could tell I’d been crying. I got a tissue and blew my nose several times into it.

“I was worried”. He furrowed his brows and looked intensely into my eyes with his deep marine-colored ones of his.

“I haven’t changed my mind”, I stated. I tried to say this with strength in my voice. I didn’t want to fall apart talking to him.

“Changed your mind about what?” and I could tell he was confused.

“I still think we should break up. I don’t…I don’t want to be part of your ‘package’ deal. I don’t want to be part of your entourage, Chris. I don’t want to live in your shadow” and a tear released itself from my right eye and fell down my cheek. I turned away, got another tissue and put my head down on my chest.

“Is that what you think you are, Tina?”, Chris said sadly, “Just part of some ‘package’, just a part of an entourage, which I don’t even have. You think you live in my shadow?”.

I nodded my head and still wouldn’t, couldn’t look at him.

He spoke very softly and put his hand on my knee, “I don’t know where you got these ideas, but you are not and never will be in my shadow. When we walk, we walk together, not you behind me or me behind you. I am not some star with you. I’m just me. If you don’t want to be with ME, then fine. Well, not fine, but I can’t force you to be with me if you don’t want to. And as far as you being part of a package, I’m sure they were going to admit you. I just sped the process up, that’s all. I can’t help getting what I get. Every game I play, I risk injuring myself and not being able to play for the rest of my life. I have practiced every morning and every night since I was 5 years old. That’s why I get what I get. I’m not going to say I’m sorry for it. It’s all a part of the game and I’m damn lucky to be so talented. But I’ve also worked my butt off to get where I am and I’m going to damn well reap the benefits. Tina, I want you with me. I love you. I’m not going to beg, though. You either want me as I am or you don’t. I am NOT Steve. I will not cheat, lie or put you 2nd in my life. If you decide to be with me, then you are 1st in my life.”

He paused and then said softly, “ Tina, you mean so much to me. I don’t think you realize how much that is. I love just being with you. And I don’t mean just making love to you. Just being with you, talking with you, studying with you, partying with you. I think about you all the time. To the point that the coach is starting to get mad at me for spacing off, thinking about you. I don’t care what we are doing, I want to be with you. Ok, I’ve talked enough. I need to hear from you. Because I don’t want to break up. I want to go further and further. Hell, I want to live together next year”, and I looked up when he said that, shocked, “Okay, I’ve said enough”. He totally shut up after that last statement.

I took a deep breath, blew my nose again and said, “I think I needed that. All of that. I was thinking that I was just part of some deal, a good lay, a quick fuck, to you. I was comparing you to Steve and it wasn’t a good comparison. Steve was looking better!”, and I laughed a little.

“Wooh, that’s not good”, Chris said quickly.

“No, it wasn’t. But I know now that I was wrong. I still wish you hadn’t said anything to me at Michigan. Can you see how you made me feel?”, I asked, but without the anger of a few minutes ago.

“Yeh, I can. And I wish I’d just kept my big trap shut”, he said apologetically.

“I know it’s hard for you, Chris. You get so excited and you just don’t think about what you are saying. But telling me I was part of the deal made me feel cheap and like I was being bought”, I said and a tear rolled down my cheek. Chris leaned over and kissed that tear.

“I’m so sorry I made you feel that way. I never meant to, you have to know that. You’re right. I was just so excited that we’d both be going to the same school and I wouldn’t have to lose you. God Tina, I don’t want to lose you”, he said sweetly. I could see his heart on his sleeve. I couldn’t help but forgive him. His face was so close to mine, it was no effort on my part to kiss him on his lips. He gently kept my lips there by placing his hand on the back of my head. He opened up my mouth slowly with his own and we swirled our tongues together. He bent his head to the side to get a deeper hold on my mouth and kept up his licking and sucking until we were both out of breath. We laid down on my bed and rubbed our bodies up against each other while he explored my body with his hands. If this was make-up sex, I was all for it. But not in my room in my parent’s house. So, when we were just about to reach the point of no return, I broke it off and said, “I think we need to find a more suitable place for this” and smiled. He pulled me so close that I could feel his hard-on and said, “I want you anywhere I can get you”, and he smiled. And then he maneuvered himself so that he was lying on top of me. “Where can we go?”, he inquired.

“How about your place? Is your Mom home?”

He quickly shot off the bed and pulled me off with him. “No, let’s go”.

We crept out of my room and out of the house, so as not to be heard. Last thing we needed was for my parents to come out and see Chris’s hard-on. When we got to his house, we practically ran to his room. When we got there, he closed the door and took down his jeans and briefs. I pulled my skirt off and pulled down my panties. He wanted access to my tits so I pulled my shirt off and undid my bra. He pulled on my nipples and ducked his head down to put one of my breasts in his mouth. As he sucked on my nipples, I pulled on his dick. He loved me doing this, it made his big head swell.

“I want you to fuck me”, I said demandingly. He pulled me down onto the bed and he came up a little bit so that his cock and my pussy were at the same place. Then he rammed me with his big, thick dick and I squeezed him into my tight, wet cunt.

“Oh yeh, that’s great”, he moaned as he started to pump me. He pushed me back and forth on the bed, faster and faster as he worked on me. His hands were moving my hips the way he wanted me to slide up and down on him. After mere minutes of his fucking me, he yelled out, “Tina, Goddamn, I’m gonna cum in you”, and I could feel his penis throbbing as he spilled his load inside of me. Once he was sated, he pulled me up to bite and suck on my nipples again. He loved to do this to me. He would pull on one while he sucked on the other. He knew I loved it too. He eased out of me and got a towel that he kept specially in his room for me to clean up with. This was so I wouldn’t ooze when he went down on me. He loved to go down on me after he had come inside me. Sometimes I thought he liked to taste himself and me together. He also knew that was how I would have an orgasm and I think it was as important that I had my orgasm as he had his. Although, he almost always had to have his first. He said he couldn’t help himself. He used his hands to push open my lips so he could have access to my clitoris. He was so good at what he did to me. He would start with a few licks, up and down the length of me. Then he would position his mouth so that he could suck on my clit. While he sucked on me, he’d take his fingers and insert one and then two and sometimes three fingers into my vagina. He’d find my g spot and rub it while he sucked and licked my clit. Finally, when I was good and ready to come, he’d flick his tongue on my clit, at first slow and then faster and faster until he was almost acting like a vibrator. That was what always made me come. It was that fast sensation of his tongue flicking my clit. I would cry out, “Coming, oh yeh, fuck me, I’m coming” and he’d get hard again just hearing this. Most times, when I was done coming (and it did take a while as I had probably 10 or more orgasms), he’d fuck me again. This second time, he would pump me fast from the beginning and by the time he came we were both spent. He’d switch positions a lot this second time. He liked to experiment with me. He’d start on top, and then flip me over to screw me from behind. Once or twice we had inserted him into me while kneeling with him behind me. That took some doing. He also liked me to put my legs up on his chest, with my butt resting on his legs while he kneeled facing me. He could get into me really deep, the deeper the better he always said. I, myself, liked the plain old missionary style best. That way I could kiss him and play with his nipples, which always sent him over the edge. I loved to slap his ass. He loved to lick and bite mine. When we were done, always when we were done, he would hug me and tell me he loved me. Sometimes I would cry from all the feelings it brought up in me. He would simply hold me through my tears.

When we were done, we lay next to each other, holding each other until I had to go home.

“So, we ok?”, he asked cutely.

“Yeh, we ok”, I responded, just as cutely.

“You still want to go to Homecoming?”, he asked.

“Yeh, don’t you?”, I asked back, knowing full well he pretty much had to go.

“Yes, I just don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do”.

“Well, who did you plan on going with, if not me?”.

“No one, I just wouldn’t go”.

“Oh, but you have to. You are Ladue football, for god’s sakes. And besides, they nominated you for King”, I said.

“Yeh, I know. Coach already told me I had to go”, he replied.

“So we’ll go. Maybe we’ll double with Joyce and Harlan”, I said, hoping he would think this was a good idea.

“Yeh, that would be nice” and then he kissed me long and hard. I knew where this was heading. I told him I needed to do my homework and we kissed for another 5 minutes before he would finally take me home. And then he called me when he got home. I laughed at him and said I’d see him in the morning. He had to tell me for another 10 minutes how happy he was that we had made up. How he couldn’t live without me. How he would never put me in his shadow. How I was not and never would be a part of any entourage or “package” deal. I think it was safe to say, he convinced me that he loved me. Maybe even more than I loved him.

Chapter 10 – Homecoming

The next day I sprained my ankle. It was really a silly thing to do. I was jumping on the trampoline with my little sister and I landed wrong. I knew immediately I had done something really wrong. The pain was excruciating. My mother took me to the Emergency Room where they took X-rays and had me see a doctor. Thankfully, it wasn’t broken, just sprained. But it hurt as much as if it were broken. Maybe more. I called Chris when I got home to tell him. He came over immediately to bring me flowers and make me feel better. I told him I didn’t know if I could still go to Homecoming seeing as I would not be able to dance. He said he didn’t care if I couldn’t dance, he wanted me there with him anyway.

As I made my way around school that week, with crutches and all, he got permission to walk with me and carry my books. Now, how he pulled that one off, when I could just as easily use my backpack to carry my books, would be news to anyone. But Chris was Chris, and the Principal always seemed to give him his way. And his way was to make sure I was ok. When Saturday came around, I wasn’t performing with the Drill Team, but I was watching Chris win yet another football game for Ladue High. We were undefeated and it was all because of him. And that popularity I had foreseen? He was there. He had more “friends” than anyone I had ever known. And yet, he still managed to be friendly to my friends. I know this all sounds too good to be true, it seemed that way to me too. I admit, I just knew the other “shoe” had to drop at some point. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon after our whole “Michigan” escapade.

He picked me up for Homecoming and was 15 minutes late. Now, that wouldn’t seem like that big of a deal by itself, but it certainly was out of the ordinary. Chris was anal about being on time. So, for him to be late, even a few minutes, was telling. Of what, I wasn’t sure, but I knew something was amiss. And he didn’t even apologize. And then, he didn’t have a corsage for me. My Mom was taken aback by this. Here was this guy who brought me flowers on a regular basis and he didn’t even have a corsage for me on a big, school dance? I tried not to make anything of this as my mother scowled at Chris. He was acting different too. I could tell he’d had at least one beer on his way over, which was also very unlike Chris. Not that he didn’t drink. He drank like a fish, but definitely not in the car. He was sullen, he didn’t smile and just wanted to leave as quickly as we could. He had cut his hair short and it surprised me that he hadn’t said anything about this before or when he picked me up. Again, not very much like his normal behavior. When we got in his truck, which was no small feat for me with my crutches, he didn’t even help me in. I asked him what was wrong, but he just grunted and pulled out the beer he had been drinking on his way to my home. I stared out my window and hoped I could find someone at the dance to take me home. I didn’t know what the hell was Chris’s problem, but I was not going to be a part of it, especially if he was going to drink and drive. We met his friends, Jake and Mitch with their dates, my friends Anne and Amy, at the restaurant and he livened up when he saw them. I spent most of the meal talking to my friends and he spent most of it talking to his. Everyone knew something was wrong with us, but we danced around it like there was a pink elephant in the room. When we girls went to the restroom, finally, I just about broke down. I told them I didn’t know what his problem was, but that I just wanted to go home. Anne said that once we got to the dance she would take me home. And we knew of some guys going that would be stag, so one of them could give me a lift home too. I dried my eyes, blew my nose and decided to just get through the meal. I dreaded having to be alone with Chris again. I couldn’t believe the way he was acting. But, I knew we were over. No matter what happened further, we were over. When we got in the truck, he spoke to me for the first time since he had picked me up.

“Do you think you could stay until they crown me?”, he asked.

“Are you so sure they will?”, I asked back.

“Yes. And I really don’t want to be alone when they do it”.

“Fine, I’ll stay until then. But can you please tell me WHY you are acting this way?”, I asked plaintively.

He stared straight ahead. “I just think it’s better that we aren’t together”, he said dully.

I looked out my passenger window and tears rolled down my eyes. I had been so right about him. I couldn’t believe I had to go through this. I wouldn’t and couldn’t answer his statement. He started up the truck and took off like a bat out of hell. When we got to the school, he helped me out of the truck, which I really didn’t expect. We walked in together and he found me a table to sit at. Anne and Amy came in shortly after us and sat with me. I’m not sure even where our dates went. I could tell that my girlfriends were upset for me. I told them about staying until he was crowned. They were shocked as well that he already knew this information. They were shocked that I was willing to stay.

When the dance started, Chris asked another girl to dance. That just about took the cake for me. Not only did I have to endure watching him dancing with another girl, but he expected me to stay so he could have his “girlfriend” present when he was crowned. And here I was, on crutches, not able to even dance with someone else. To say the least, I was livid. I asked my friend, Mark, to take me home. I didn’t care if it was Homecoming. I didn’t have to sit here and be humiliated by this asshole. Mark was more than happy to give me a ride home. My whole group of friends were in shocked silence. They didn’t know what to say to me or how to react to what Chris was doing. When I was nearly to the door, the music stopped and I felt a hand on my arm.

“Where are you going?”, he asked me angrily.

“Where the fuck do you think I’m going?”, you can guess at my disposition.

“I thought you were going to stay for the crowning?”, and whirled me around to face him.

Mark caught me as I was about to fall, “Hey man, leave Tina alone, you asshole!”, he said.

The next thing I knew, Mark was lying on the floor, Chris having punched him in the jaw. I fell back on top of Mark, having lost my balance when Mark went down. It seemed like the whole school witnessed this debacle, as we were suddenly surrounded by scores of kids. Another couple friends of mine reached down to pick both Mark and me up and Chris shoved the one trying to pick me up aside. He squatted down to help me up and I slapped him. I slapped him so hard against his right cheekbone, that it made a loud “crack” that everyone could hear.

“Don’t touch me, you jerk”, I said loud enough for everyone around me to hear. By that time, Mark was back on his feet and he helped me up. Anne got my crutches for me and my friends escorted me out. Safety in numbers is what I was thinking. Chris was a lot bigger than any of my friends, even my guy friends, and I didn’t know what other tactics he would take to keep me at that dance. But I was damned if I was going to stay after his behavior.

I thanked Mark for taking me home. He asked me if I needed company, that he would be happy to stay as long as I needed him to. I couldn’t think of talking with anyone. I told him I just needed to be alone and he understood. When I went in the front door, my mother saw how I felt written all over my face. My make-up was smeared, my eyes were red from crying, and my hair was disheveled. I told her I just needed to be alone and she let me be. She knew from the way he had started the night that it was going to end up bad. I undressed, took a quick shower and got in bed. I cried myself to sleep, sometime around 2:00 am. I couldn’t and could believe what was happening to me all at the same time. I just kept thinking that I should have seen it coming.

The next day my friends called me all day long. One at a time, to see how I was doing. To see if there was anything that I needed. Anne told me that he had been crowned and had proceeded to dance with just about every single girl there. And some not so single. No one bothered him or got in his face, seeing as to how he had so easily mis-shaped Mark’s face. The big talk of the dance had been how he had treated me and how we had broken up. Even though, I was glad to hear all of this from her, I was still so hurt by what had happened. Hurt and angry.

Chapter 11 – Break Up

On Monday morning, I made the decision that I was not going to give Chris the benefit of hearing me talk to him ever again. I had cried nearly all of Sunday and I was done. Well, that’s what I told myself at least. I was not nearly done with crying over him, but I wasn’t going to ever let him see that again. I didn’t go to the Smoking Lounge in the morning like I had for most of my High School days. I got to school in time to stop at my locker and get to English just in time to hear the 2nd bell ring. When I got to this 1st hour, I took my seat and pointed myself towards the front, away from his seat. I could feel his eyes upon me, or at least what I thought were his eyes. He slid a tri-folded note across to me and I simply batted it away. He picked it up off the floor, I could hear his seat scoot out and see that bulky form of his stoop down to get it. I was thankful for when the teacher started class and I didn’t have to think about him being there. Although, truth be told, it was difficult at best to not think about him. I wondered too, what was in that note. But I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of talking to me, either face-to-face or through a note.

When English was over, I hobbled on my crutches as fast as I could for Calculus. I wanted to get there so I could get a seat up front and away from Chris. I wasn’t that lucky, but I did get one in the second row. I saw him when he came in a few minutes later. He stopped by my desk and placed the note there so that I had to take it. I took it and he went back to the back row where he usually sat. When I heard him sit down and before the teacher came in, I threw the folded up note back to the back where he was. All the other students who saw me do this, laughed and looked back at Chris. When they saw him scowling, they shut up. No one wanted to get into it with him. But I didn’t care. I wasn’t doing this with him. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of talking to me, either written or verbal. I heard him pick up the note, open it and tear it into little pieces. He went up to the front and threw the pieces into the trash can. Just then, Mr. Pride made his way into class and asked for volunteers to put up last night’s homework on the board.

When Calculus was over, I picked up my backpack and crutches and made my way out of the room. When I got halfway to Chemistry, Chris cornered me by standing in front of me.

He said softly, “You know you’re going to have to deal with me sometime”.

“No, I do NOT know that”, I said tartly and made to move around him.

“Oh, are you going to make me fall again?”, I said spitefully. He moved out of my way and went the opposite way to his next class. When I got to my class, my face was red and I was breathing hard. My lab partner asked me what was wrong, but I just shook my head and said, “Nothing”. We started talking about the lab project that Mr. Willis was making us do and that helped me re-focus. Nate was good at getting my attention off of Chris. For one, he didn’t really know him. For two, he didn’t really care that he was this football god. Nate was all about his studies and Wrestling. Chris had hated that I was lab partner with him since he was threatened by the fact that Nate was so good looking. I had never really thought about Nate in that way before. He always seemed like a nerd to me, albeit a good-looking nerd. But, when the bell sounded for us to go, Nate said, “Hey, I’m sorry to hear about what happened at the dance. I wasn’t there, not being one to really date much, but I didn’t like hearing that anyone would hurt you”.

“Thanks, that’s nice of you to say so”, I replied.

“If you need to talk to anyone, not that I can really be of help, but I would try to take your mind off certain unspeakable people”, and then he laughed a little. And I laughed a little, too.

“Thanks Nate, I might take you up on that sometime”, I said smiling. He walked me to my next class.

At lunch, I did my best not to notice that Chris sat by himself. I don’t know if he was waiting for me or why he was otherwise by himself, but I wasn’t going to go there. I had nearly made it through this first day and I was damned if I was going to give in. I had lots more days to go until we graduated. I needed to keep up my vow of silence long enough for him to take the hint. I have to admit, there was a part of me that wondered what was in that note, but then I would think “NO! It doesn’t matter what was in that note. Absolutely nothing can erase what he did and how he behaved on Saturday”. I didn’t want to have anything more to do with him. I told my friends how I felt and they understood, Mark especially. Anne did mention that he seemed very sad and depressed in their Spanish class 3rd hour, but I just told her I didn’t care. He wasn’t my problem anymore. I wish she had just kept her mouth shut when she told me how Stephanie Davis was flirting with him all through class. But, maybe that was good for me to hear that. Being angry was better than being depressed.

When I got to my car after school, there was a note shoved down under the wiper blade. No one was around to see me throw it away. Not Chris, no friends, no one. I didn’t want to read it. I wanted to just rip it up and dispose of it somehow. But I couldn’t. Alone in my car, where no one was around to see me read it, I figured it was safe. I could act as though I hadn’t read it. Geez, who I was kidding. I was dying to know what it said. It didn’t mean I was going to forgive him. I didn’t see how I could possibly do that. He had acted so thoroughly asinine, there was NO excuse. There was no way to understand it. No way to turn back the clock and do it all over. What could he possibly say that could change my mind? So, it really didn’t matter what this note said, it wasn’t going to change a thing. Therefor, I could read it and still feel the exact same way that I felt right now. Right? Right!

“Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you.”

I ripped it up as quickly as I read it. Never meant to hurt me? How can he possibly say that? I would NOT forgive him. I sped home and thanked my stars that I didn’t get a ticket. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about this note. I was going to act as though I had never read it. When Chris called that night, I refused to take it. I told my parents that I didn’t want to talk to him ever again and my Mom relayed that to Chris. He tried that entire week, but after that gave up.

In school, I got used to having to see him in class and at lunch. He kept trying to give me notes and I kept ripping them up. He finally got the message. Our football team went to State that year. And won. He got an All-American award for best Wide Receiver. It was at that awards ceremony that he announced he would be attending Michigan in the Fall. After football was over, he started practicing for Basketball. He wasn’t quite the All-American, but he was good enough and tall enough to make the team. So, I saw him when I performed at games. I saw him in class. I saw him as he started dating other girls. I saw him at the Sweethearts Dance in February. I saw him at the Sadie Hawkins dance in March. And on a Monday in April, I found a rolled up note under books I hadn’t used in months in my locker. It looked old. It read:

“I love you. You must forgive me. It was the anniversary of my

Father’s death and I was not handling it well. Plus, my Mother

chose that day to tell me that she was remarrying. We need to talk.”

How old was this? Was this from that first day after the Homecoming dance? I read it and re-read it. Would this have changed anything, had I known? Would I have forgiven him? God, what a day he had. Could we still talk? Would it make any difference? He was dating Patty. I was dating Nate (although truth be told, it wasn’t very amorous, mostly friendship). Should I show him that I found this? As I thought these thoughts, I heard a familiar husky voice behind me, “So you found the note that I left in October, huh?”. We hadn’t talked, even that much, in months. But I have to admit, when I heard that sweet, deep voice behind me at my locker that day, I was caught completely off guard. How he just happened to be there right at the moment that I read this old note was certainly a moment of serendipity. I turned around and looked up into his face. And felt sad that I had never known the real reason he’d been such an ass at that Homecoming dance. He knew what the note had said. He’d tried to convey that message to me in dozens of different ways that first week. I’d shut him out and moved on. So had he. Moved on. Was I really going to go back to that week in October and relive it just because I had this scrap of evidence? As we stood there looking into each other’s eyes, there was a sadness that was palpable between us. I was sad for what he had gone through. I believe he was sad for what he’d done to me in the process of grieving. And for never having had the opportunity to explain himself until now.

“So, did your Mom get remarried?”, I asked, trying to bridge the gap between the note and six months later.

“Yeh, she finally married that guy she’d been dating for years, Al”, he replied.

“Did he move in with you two then?”, I asked to keep the conversation moving.

“Um, yeh. They got married on New Years Eve. Went to Vegas for a honeymoon.”

“Do you like him, then?”, couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Yeh, he’s ok. I mean he’s been around forever. I was wondering if they’d ever tie the knot. It was just bad timing when she told me, that’s all”, he said and I could feel that sadness surround me again.

“Yeh, I can see that” and I turned to close my locker. I started to walk away, “Well I have to get to 7th Hour. I’ll see you…” and he walked with me.

“Mind if I walk you there?”, he asked, even though he had a 7th hour class to get to also.

“Umm, don’t you have somewhere you need to be?”, wondering what could possibly come of his walking me anywhere.

“No where important”, he said and smiled his big shit-eating grin.

So we walked to my Study Hall. When we got there, he asked if he could call me tonight.

I replied, “Yes” and then blushed to think of him calling me. He ran off to the class he was late for and left me to think of what had just happened.

Chapter 12 – Old Notes, Old Feelings

As I sat in Study Hall with my Calc book open, my mind was a million miles away. I looked at that note again and again. I pondered how it came to be in my locker in April, if he had put it there in October. Certainly, it was found under several books that I hadn’t taken out of my locker in months, but still. Wouldn’t I have seen it there in the 6 months since he placed it there? Could I trust that he hadn’t put it in there today? Or a week ago? And wasn’t he dating someone now? Was he still seeing Patty Stanley or was it someone else? I knew I heard snatches of conversation about who he was dating, what he was doing, what party he was spotted at. At first I tried to not hear or, at the very least, not care. After about February, I didn’t care, or at least I was better at acting like I didn’t care. I went to every Basketball game. He wasn’t a star so it was kinda interesting to see how he handled being 2nd or 3rd on the team in field goals. He was still Center position due to his height, but we had a couple of other outstanding players that only played Basketball, so they out-shined him. I overheard a couple guys saying he still trained for Football season even if it only lasted 3 months. In fact, now that I thought of it, his 7th hour had always been a training hour with the Football coach. He got exactly what he had wanted when he started at Ladue. He was popular, he dated the prettiest girls, went to the best parties and was talked about like he was some goddamn sensation. He wasn’t the same person that I had known when I first met him and dated him. And, to tell the truth, I didn’t need someone like him. Even though I might not feel the same sort of feelings for Nate as I did for Chris, Nate was constant. Nate was trustworthy, sweet, and reliable. I knew things would never go very far with Nate, but given the fact that he was going to Princeton and I was still planning on going to Michigan, he was a great “here and now” guy to date. And the fact that he was easy on the eyes didn’t hurt matters.

When school was out, I went home pretty quickly. It wasn’t so I could be by the phone. I just had a lot of homework and I wanted to get it done as one of my favorite TV shows was on that night. Ten minutes into doing the rest of my Calc homework, the phone rang. I let my Mom get it and when she called my name, I knew who it probably was.

“Hi”, I said into the phone.

“Hey”, he responded. I waited for him to say something more as it was his idea to call.

“So, what are you doing?”, he asked. Lame.

“Actually, finishing up Calc. What are you doing?”. Double lame.

“Thinking about you”, and his voice got all soft when he said it. He even sounded a little out of breath.

“And what are you thinking about?”, I asked. Now we were getting somewhere.

I could hear him stretching and taking in a deep breath, “I was wondering how it could take you 6 months to get that note…And what you would have done if you had gotten it 6 months ago instead of today”.

I asked softly, “Did you ever get any help with dealing with your Dad’s death?”. There was no immediate answer and then I said, “Cause it seems to me that that was a big reason why you were acting the way your were acting that night”. Quiet.

“Yeh….Seems like every anniversary gets harder and harder, not easier. You’d think it would be the other way around. But you know, Tina, I had no right to treat you like I did. I’m so sorry that you got caught in my emotional crossfire. I was a complete ass that night and I took my troubles out on you. I can’t ask you to forgive me, even though I want to. What I did was unforgivable”. And he ended abruptly. I knew this was my entrance to say lots of flowery things about how anyone might do the same things he had done in his state of emotion  , how it was human to err, but divine to forgive, blah blah blah. All I could think to say was, “I think you need to talk with someone about your Dad’s death. I wish it had been me, but after all, I’m no shrink. Still, I can’t help but feel that if you had been straight with me that Homecoming night about what you were going through, we might still be together. So, yeh, I think you need help, Chris”. Silence. I wasn’t about to break it. It was his turn to espouse significant words my way.

I heard that same deep breath again, “Yeh, you’re probably right. I’ve known for some time that my Dad’s death has caused me a lot of pain. I’ve just never found someone that I felt could help me with it”.

“Well, who have you tried?”

“You mean, like a counselor?”

“Yeh, a counselor, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist”

“Well, my Mom sent me to a grief counselor after he died, but I only ended up going 3 times”

“So, it’s safe to say that you really haven’t seen anyone since you were 10?”, said with a smidge of sarcasm.

“Yeh, I guess not”.

“Do you know how to go about finding a counselor?”, I asked as most kids and even parents did not have a clue.

“No, do you?”, he asked, interested.

“Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I volunteer at the Suicide Hotline now and they have a large referral and resource for counselors. I could give you some names and numbers of people who fit the description you give me for what you want. You know, like if you want to just see a man or just a woman. Someone who specializes in grief counseling. Someone who can also prescribe medication. That sort of thing”.

“Wow, since when did you start at the Suicide Hotline?”, he asked enthused.

“Since the beginning of the year. It’s a cool place to volunteer, I really like it”.

“So, you’ll help me figure out what type of counselor is best for me?”, he asked softly.

“Well, I couldn’t make that determination for you, but yes, I can help you figure out for yourself what you need in a counselor”.

“And would you do this over dinner Friday night? Say at the restaurant of your choice? Seeing as how I owe you a fabulous meal”, he laughed a little and then cleared his throat to let me know he was serious.

“Chris, what about Patty? Or are you dating someone else now?”, I was serious too.

“I’m not dating anyone steady, regardless of what you hear in the hallways. So, Friday? I’ll pick you up at 6:00?”, he asked a bit impatiently. I could tell he was nervous. I could hear him tapping his pencil against the phone.

“Let me think on this. I’ll let you know tomorrow night. Ok?”. I wasn’t going to be rushed into anything when it came to this guy. Been there, Done that!

“Ok, see you at school tomorrow”.

“Bye”, I said sweetly.

“Bye”, he said sensuously.

The next day I got to school early to see if he still came early to the Smoking Lounge. I hadn’t been there in months (well 6 months to be exact) and my curiosity got the better of me. Sure enough, I saw that tall, lanky figure sit up as I approached. He lit a cigarette for me, but I didn’t accept it. I had quit in January, making that my New Years resolution. He started the conversation, “So?”.

“So, Hi”.

“And?”, he asked tentatively.

“And yes, I’ll go out to dinner on Friday. But only as friends. And to help you get the help you need. I’m not ready for anything more than to be your friend. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready for anything more, Chris. So, if that works for you, then great. It’s a date. If you are looking for something more, then I’m sorry, I can’t go there”, and I ended somewhat somberly.

“Ok. I’ll take what I can get. I don’t blame you for being mad at me”, he started, but I interjected, “I’m not mad at you, Chris. I got over being mad a long time ago. It’s just that I don’t trust you. And I don’t want to talk about this here, right now. We can talk more on Friday. I’ll see you at 6:00 pm”, and I left him standing there. I left as other kids starting pulling up in their cars. I didn’t want to have this conversation in front of anyone else. Plus, I wasn’t sure I wanted anyone to see us even having a conversation. I didn’t want to be the butt of conversations all over the school’s hallways. I’d been there. It had hurt so much to hear everyone talking about how Chris had made an ass of me at Homecoming. How I had walked out on him before he was crowned. How he had made a fool of himself with any girl who would dance with him that night. How he was now dating someone else. I had heard the talk. I had seen the stares. I seriously did not need to be the talk of the school again.

When I saw him in English and Calc, I acted like I always acted. As though he wasn’t even there. He gave me a look on Wednesday like “why are you being such a bitch?”, but I just ignored him even more. I wasn’t going to put myself in that position. He called me that night. I kinda figured he was going to, as cold as I was acting towards him. I picked it up on the 2nd ring.

“Hello”, I said, with some bemusement in my voice.

“Okay, so what gives?”, he asked, with absolutely no bemusement in his.

“What do you mean?”, I asked back, playing a bit with him. I knew what he was asking. I just didn’t want to make this easy.

“Why are you ignoring me? Have you changed your mind about Friday?”. He sounded angry and even a bit hurt.

“No, I haven’t changed my mind one bit. I am ignoring you because I simply refuse to be the talk of the school again. I had to suffer through weeks of talk after Homecoming and even before it and I am NOT going through that again. So, I’m sorry that I’m not talking to you at school, but I just can’t. I will not put myself through that. You may not mind it, but I do”. And with that, I ended my monologue to wait and see what he would say. It didn’t really matter what he had to say as I had my mind made up. And once I had my mind made up, there was no changing it. At least not without some really good reason.

His voice was soft when he said, “I understand. I wouldn’t want to go through that if I were you either. Then, we’re ok for Friday, though?” and he sounded like a little boy who was lost in the woods.

“Yeh, we’re fine for Friday. I want to go to Caleco’s, is that ok with you?”.

“That’s great with me. You know I love that place” and he sounded a lot better at this suggestion.

“Then I’ll see you at 6:00 and we’ll talk then”, I said sweetly, forgetting that this guy had been my enemy just a week ago.

“Okay, that sounds good. And Tina, I’ll try not to look your way so no one gets the idea that I’m trying to make up with you” and he laughed a little before he said “Bye”. I said “Bye” and hung up. I couldn’t help but laugh a little too. But my laughter was at his saying he was trying to make up with me. That was sweet. And scary.

Chapter 13 – Trust

Chris kept his word and we barely looked at each other the rest of the week. When Friday came, I was a bundle of nerves. I told my Mom that I was going out with Chris and then she was a bundle of nerves. After all, she had lived with me through the hell of our break-up. Well, really the hell of my depression after our break-up. She told me she was worried and I tried to assuage her fears, but I was so fearful that what I said to her came out all wrong. I couldn’t blame her.

When he picked me up, I quickly went to meet him at his truck. I didn’t want him and my parents to have any conversation or confrontation tonight. This was our first date in a long time and I didn’t want to deal with parental questions and concerns. I just wanted to see how this went. I had a list of some counselors for Chris, since I had told him I would help him find someone he could talk to. I didn’t know if he was serious about actually following through, but I felt I had to follow through on my part, since I had offered him help. So, as soon as we got to the restaurant, I pulled out my sheet of names and talked to him about each one I had found. I had a psychiatrist, psychologist, and 3 social workers on this sheet. There were 2 men and 3 women for him to choose from. He seemed pleased that I had gathered this information and said that he had thought about getting some help ever since we broke up. Just then our salads came and we stopped talking and ate for a while. When he was done (he always got done quicker than I did), he turned his attention to me and got a serious look on his face.

“Seriously, thank you for researching that for me and finding me all those people”, he said softly, “I’ll definitely find someone I can talk to. I’m thinking maybe a man would be better for me, what do you think?”.

“Well, I think that’s probably a good place to start. I mean, I’m sure you’d do fine with a woman also, but if you feel a man would be better, then that’s what you should pursue”, and I stopped eating to talk and look deeply into his blue eyes. When I was done talking, we both just stared at each other with a sweet little smile on our faces. When I could stand it no longer, I said, “What?”, to see why he was smiling at me.

He took a deep breath and replied, “I’m just so glad you’re here with me tonight.”

“Oh”, I said, looking down at my plate, “I’m glad too”, and I looked up to see him still staring at me.

“Do you want to go to a movie after we eat?”, he asked tentatively.

“Ummm, yeh, that would be nice”, I responded, smiling into his eyes. He leaned over as if to kiss me and I looked away. I couldn’t do that yet. I could not give myself back to this guy, no matter how much I loved him and wanted him. But, I did admit to myself that I did love him and I did want him. As much as ever before. And I realized that I forgave him for everything he had done to me that night. I couldn’t forget, but I could forgive him.

When the pizza came, he ate most of it as he always did. We talked about school and his Mom, how it was to live with his new Stepfather, Al. We made small talk like we never did before. But it was good. I needed to be caught up again in what he was doing. He wanted to know about my life and my family.

Finally, I asked the question that had been on my mind all night, “So, are you dating Patty Stanley? I mean you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to…” and he cut me off before I said anything more.

“No, absolutely not. She probably wants to still think we are, but we aren’t. I haven’t seen her in over a month. I don’t know what her problem is. She’s still telling people that we are a thing, but truth be told, we were never a “thing”. Geez, she’s such a drama queen”, and I could tell he was sick of her. All I knew of Patty was that she bragged a lot. And her latest bragging rights had been Chris.

“So how long did you two date?”, I asked and then realized that was probably none of my business. But it was too late, I had asked.

“Oh, for a couple months at the most”, he said with a scowl on his face, “Why, does it matter? And what about you and Nate? I hear that you two are quite the pair!” and he smiled a devilish little smile at me.

“Nate’s gay”, I replied. He howled at this and the tables closest to us stared at him for a moment. Luckily, it was crowded and loud and most of the restaurant didn’t hear him.

“What do you mean, he’s gay? Not really?”, he asked incredulously.

“Well, not that he has come out of the closet or anything. AND you never heard this from me! God, he’d kill me if he heard me saying any of this. But yes, I think he’s gay. I mean, he’s never once tried to get me into bed or anything past little pecks. And he talks about the other wrestlers like… well you know what I mean”.

“So why did you date him for so long? I mean aren’t you two still dating?”, he asked and I could tell he wanted the answer to these questions more than anything. He tried to act nonchalant, but I could see how his eyes squinted a little and how he couldn’t take his eyes off of mine. The answers meant a lot to him.

“Well, Nate was easy to be with. I didn’t want to date anyone seriously. I just wanted to hang out with a good friend and that was what he offered. Plus, he was a good date to things like the school dances and parties. That way, no one else bothered me. But I think he always knew that we weren’t going to be serious. Hell, he didn’t want that. I seriously believe he has a thing for one of his teammates, even if he won’t admit it to himself. And he helped me through a time when I needed a shoulder to cry on…”, and I trailed off. Chris knew what I was referring to. He looked down at his plate and said under his breath, “I am truly sorry I caused you so much pain”.

“Water under the bridge”, I said back to him and reached for his hand. I wasn’t sure why I did this, but I felt like he needed to know that I did forgive him. That he didn’t need to keep on beating himself up over me. He squeezed my hand tenderly and looked up at me with sad eyes.

“I’ve never stopped loving you, Tina”, he said so softly I wasn’t sure I heard right. So he said it again and this time, there was no doubting what he had said. He leaned over and I stayed looking at him as he kissed me on my lips. It was just a sweet kiss, no expectations, no pushing. I smiled when he pulled away and he smiled back.

“You’re going to have to break up with him, though”, he said as he continued to hold my hand, “It would never do for you to be seen with me and him at the same time”, very possessively.

“Oh really? And who says I’m going to be seen with you?”, I asked a bit indignantly.

“I’d say Cathy Woods, who just came in and spotted us together, is going to be the one to let everyone know”, he replied matter-of-factly, but with a devilish smile on his face. Yes, he was right. Cathy was a known gossip and telltale. The cat was definitely out of the bag. I turned around to see where she was sitting and she was just 2 tables over. She waved and smiled when I spotted her and vice verse. Oh brother, I thought, that’s all I needed.

When we were full and Chris had not convinced me to get a slice of cheesecake, he paid and we left the restaurant. We went to the theater to see the newest Action/Adventure movie playing (his favorite genre) and he held my hand throughout. The only time he let go of me was to get a drink from our communal soda. I was glad he didn’t lean over to kiss me again. I knew with one attempt, I could be in his lap in a split second, caring none for the audience we would have. After the movie, he asked me if I wanted to come back to his house, but I declined. I knew exactly what that meant and he knew what I meant by declining. I didn’t want to just jump back into this relationship. Besides, I needed to have a conversation with Nate and do some explaining to him before anything else happened between Chris and me. I owed him that much. I asked Chris to take me home and he begrudgingly assented. When we got to my house, he came around to let me out of my side and when he did, he barred my way out of the truck. Instead he lifted me up so that I was standing on the truck runner, a perfect height for him to kiss me. I stood there while we kissed ravenously for a good 20 minutes. At one point, he said breathlessly, “What do I have to do to get you back?”. I knew exactly what he was referring to and responded, “You have to take things slow….I’m not going to simply fall back in with you like before. I need to know I can trust you first. I need to know that something like what happened will not happen again. And quite honestly, Chris, I don’t know how long that will take”.

He sighed a long while and finally said, “Yeh, I know. I just wish I hadn’t been such an ass. Can you ever forgive me, Tina?”

I responded quickly, “I already have forgiven you. It’s just that I can’t forget. I won’t forget. I need to know that whatever made you do what you did is gone. I think I need to know that you are getting help for yourself”.

He nodded and looked at me with those beautiful blue eyes of his for a long time. “I’m going to call someone on Monday. I know I need to talk about my Dad. I’ve known it for a long time. I guess it just finally came to a head that Homecoming night. Tina, I never stopped loving you, you know that now?” and when he finished I had no doubt of it. The doubt for me was on my side.

“Yes, I know. I just don’t know how I feel, Chris. I want to trust you, I really do”, I said sadly. I couldn’t help, but look at how easily he had started dating again, how quickly he had given up on us. Not that I helped that situation, I know. It was just going to take me time.

“Tina, will you come with me to one or two of my sessions, once I get something established? Can we go and try to work on this together?”. He paused to see if I was open to this idea.

“Yes, but not until you’ve figured some things out for yourself, you know? I don’t want to be a part of that. I mean I want to hear about it, but you need to do this for you, not for me.”

“I know”, he said quickly, “I know I need to work on myself. I just want to know that you’ll be there waiting for me.”

I looked at him straight on and said, “I want to believe that we are meant to be together, but I just don’t know that yet, Chris. I’m still reeling from these past six months. I know you didn’t stay celibate. I know you have been dating and sleeping around. It’s going to take some time for me to just deal with that.”

“Well, did you think I would not date?”, he started to sound a tad angry, “Hell, I tried to win you back. I tried to explain best as I knew how, Tina….After a while, I did start to think we were completely finished. I had to move on. I was a fucking basket case! And it’s not like you didn’t start dating either”, his eyebrows furrowed in anger and I could see disbelief there too.

“You only tried for a week! And then you were off dating some blond floozy! At least when I chose to start dating, I chose someone I’d known for a while, someone who was a friend!” and he could tell I was angry too.

“Yeh, a gay friend! Tina, I am not going to stand here and argue with you.”

“Why not? I think we need to argue a little bit!”

“Because I don’t think it’s going to help us”, he retorted and then, totally spontaneously, he pulled me to him and before I could talk anymore, kissed me deeply and longingly. He opened my mouth with his dry, thick lips and swirled his tongue around mine. I kissed him back savagely and with all the lust I was feeling.

As quickly as he had come at me, he let go and spoke into my ear, “I want you so bad. I’ve wanted you this whole time. Do NOT talk to me of floozies. They meant absolutely nothing to me. You are the only one for me, Miss Taylor. Don’t you ever forget that. When you are ready, I’m waiting. Do we understand each other?”, and he continued to kiss my neck and earlobe. I was still breathing hard when he whispered these sweet everythings to me. When I finally caught my breath, I pulled away a bit and said, “Yes. God yes. I have never stopped wanting you either, Chris. Please do what you need to to get us back. Please show me I can trust you”, and I started to cry softly. He pulled me to him once again and we stood there, tears rolling down both of our eyes, fear of our unknown lapping at our hearts.

I knew I had to show her that I was worthy of her. She had so much anger built up, but then so did I. I felt like she should have forgiven me much sooner. I wished now I hadn’t dated anyone since her. I was going to call for an appointment with a counselor and keep it. I really wanted for the two of us to go together, but she wanted me to go by myself for a while. I could understand that. It was my problem and my fault that we had broken up. I knew that, even if I didn’t want to think about it. When we kissed it was as if nothing had ever come between us. I could feel all the old feelings of lust and love sweep back into me. It didn’t take much, just a kiss or two. This woman was worth everything to me. I wanted us to be together again in every sense of the word. I knew, also, that I had to take it slow or I would scare her away. She was scared as it was. I needed it to be her idea to be with me. But, like I told her, I’d be waiting.

We stood together for a few more minutes and then he let go. I stepped down from the runner of his truck and he walked me, hand in hand, to my door. I kissed him again at my door and he smiled when I pulled away to open my front door and go in. I told him that I would talk to him later. He asked “When?” and I said “Later”. Not much to go on, but I just couldn’t say when we would talk again. Probably when he called, knowing how aggressive he was. I closed the door and he headed back to his truck. I looked after him from the side window and could see his shoulders bent over a bit. I knew he wanted more, he always wanted more.

Chapter 14 – Back Together Again

As expected, he called me the next day and wanted to see me, but my family already had an outing planned so I begged off. He accepted that he could not be invited to go with us like he would have in the past. He called Sunday and invited me over to dinner and studying, like we had done so many times in the past. I accepted and arrived at his house around 5:00 pm. We studied in his room for a while. It was hard not to just fall into bed with him, but I kept my mind on the studying and all thoughts of how we used to be together out of my head. He didn’t push, which I thanked him for. He told me not to thank him for something that he should do as a matter of course. His mother made us a great Roast and Potatoes meal and I got to meet his new Stepfather, Al, for the first time. I wondered why I had never met him before, but it seemed that his Mom was always over there instead of him at her house. When Chris was done with his seconds, we went back to his room to study some more. He was sincerely quite a gentleman to me. Yet, I knew he was simply waiting for me. I knew Chris well enough to know what kind of libido he had. Especially when it came to us. I hoped he hadn’t had that with any other girls, but I didn’t bother asking. I didn’t want to know. Just knowing he had been to bed with other girls was enough to bring me to tears and I didn’t want to go there tonight. We sat close to each other. I could feel his upper arms rubbing against mine. We compared Calc answers when we were finished doing them. His hair brushed my cheek as we peered at each other’s work. I turned. He turned. Suddenly all homework was shoved aside as we kissed. He put his hands on either side of my face and pulled me gently towards him. I gripped his shoulder and pulled myself up to kneel before him. We never let go of each other’s lips and tongues as I moved closer, my head slightly above his. I couldn’t help myself. Being close to this man was what life was all about. Kissing him was like tasting the nectar of the heavens. He was what I longed for. He grabbed me around my waist and pulled me closer, closer, and pushed me down onto his bent leg. At this level, we were face to face and still going at it. Then, he put one hand around my back and the other on one of my breasts. I batted that hand away, so he moved it to my thigh. He kept inching under my shorts, towards what he knew was wet and waiting for him. And I kept moving it away. Finally, when he didn’t get the message, I let go with my lips and slapped him across his left cheek. I didn’t think about this, I just did it. I was as stunned as he was. He immediately let go of me. We were both breathing hard.

“I’m sorry”, I said immediately.

“No, I’m sorry”, he spat back, “I know I shouldn’t have pushed you. It’s just that I want you so badly”. He looked down and started to shake, especially his shoulders and head. I couldn’t tell for sure, but I thought he might be crying. He looked up then and I could see, he was crying. Tears were rolling down his face, but no sound was coming from him. I immediately put my arms around him and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. I laid my head on his shoulder and “shhhhed” in his ear.

“It’s ok”, I said softly, “there’s no need to cry, hon. I’m not hurt. You’re not hurt. We’re ok.”

“I’m not crying because of that, Tina. I’m crying because I love you so much and I know I hurt you so badly” and he continued to shake in my arms. I kissed him on his cheek, on his lips, but he pulled away and looked away from me. I wanted to make it all right, but I knew I couldn’t. He had hurt me and a kiss, a cry, was not going to take that away. After a few more minutes, he stopped shaking and just breathed in long, slow breaths. I continued to hold him and kiss him on his neck, his ear, his temple. I played with his hair, now long again after months of growing it out after Homecoming. He hugged me back and slowly came around to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Tina”, he said.

“What for?, I asked.

“For everything. For not knowing what was going on with me on that night. For not pursuing you longer than I did. For letting you get away in the first place. For sitting here crying like a baby”, at which I butted in.

“You never have to apologize for crying. You need to do that. I mean, not only does it make you feel better, but it also lets me know you are real. If you didn’t cry occasionally, I would worry about you. As for the other, well, I’m hoping it’s all a sad lesson learned. On both of our parts. I could have talked to you afterwards. I could have listened, but instead, I just shut you out. So I should be sorry for that. As I was kissing you, I was starting to feel hopeful that maybe we could patch up our relationship. You know nothing would make me happier.” I smiled as I said that last part. He smiled right back. And then he kissed me again, tenderly, lovingly. His cheeks were still a tad bit wet, but it felt wonderful to be so close to him that I could feel them next to mine. His nose rubbing against mine. His tongue massaging and mastering mine. I don’t think I would have hit him again even if he had tried something more on me, but he didn’t. He knew he needed to give me a wide berth. He knew.

I went home a little bit later and thought of him all the way home. Seeing him cry like that revealed more to me than he had ever revealed before. I knew how hurt he was over what had transpired between us. I knew I still loved him. And it was only a matter of time before we expressed that love sexually. I had to try and stave that off for as long as I could. I needed my answers before giving myself back to him fully. I needed to trust him to be able to work through something with me instead of doing it against me. I think he understood this too.

The next day, he was waiting for me outside his truck when I came out of my house to go to school. We hadn’t done this in so many months that it took me off guard at first. He handed me my favorite coffee and helped me into his truck.

After he started for school, I asked, “So what are we going to say when everyone asks?”

“The truth”, he shot back.

“And that would be?”, I inquired. My brows were knit together. He could tell I was worried.

“That we are becoming friends again”, he said and smiled. He looked back at the road while he drove and drank his coffee. Okay. That sounded actually pretty good. Nothing too over the top, nothing that wasn’t the truth.

“Okay then”, I responded.

When we got to school, he conveniently parked by the Smoking Lounge, even though neither of us smoked anymore, so that my friends could see us together. I spotted Nate glaring at me as Chris came to help me out of the truck. I told Chris I needed some time to talk to Nate. I went straight over to where he was standing and asked him to talk by ourselves.

“Tina, don’t bother. I know all about you and Chris”, he said smugly.

“What exactly is it you think you know?”, I asked, squinting my eyes in immediate anger.

“I know you went out on a date. I know he was holding your hand. I’m pretty sure you guys are probably back together by the looks of things”, he spat out.

“Are you angry?”

“No, I just wish you had called me this weekend. I mean, I kinda knew this would eventually happen, but it would have been nice to at least have some forewarning when it did come about”, he said under his breath.

“I’m sorry, Nate. I truly am. You know I hope we can still be friends. I guess if I thought you would be that upset, I would have called you. But, I really didn’t think of us as anything more than good friends. And I hope we can keep being good friends”, I said meaningfully.

“Well that’s too bad. I was hoping we could go to Prom together”, and I could see the pain in his eyes. Even though I knew our “relationship” was all a ruse, I couldn’t say anything like that to him. He was so not “out”, it wasn’t even funny. He truly thought kissing a girl without opening your mouth was a legitimate form of sexual foreplay!

“I’m sorry, Nate”, I said and seeing as though I was only causing more hurt here, I told him I’d see him in Chemistry and walked away. The next person to get to me was my best friend, Joyce.

She pulled me aside and looked at me strangely, “Do you know what the talk of the school is?”

Geez, this early and there was already talk, “No, but I know you are just biting at the chance to tell me”, I said sarcastically.

“You and Chris, that’s what!”, she said and smiled her knowing smile.

“And what exactly about me and Chris?”, I asked seeing him looking at us from about 15 feet away.

“Cathy Woods saw you two out on a date, holding hands, kissing. Said it looked like things were back on as far as she could see. So, was she lying? Are you two back together?, she asked quickly.

“I don’t know what we are. We are definitely trying something out, but I’m not sure we are ‘back together’ just yet. Yes, we went out to dinner and a movie on Friday night and dinner at his house Sunday night. I think we are moving in a good direction, but it’s too soon to tell” and I looked over to where he was standing. I’d said enough. Joyce smiled and I told her I needed to get a book out of my locker. As soon as I walked past Chris, he followed in my step next to me. He opened the door for me and walked with me to my locker. We walked to class talking about what Nate and Joyce had said. He was nonchalant. The talk didn’t phase him one bit. But then he was used to people talking about him. I supposed I should be used to it by now too. But I never got used to people gossiping about me. He reminded me again of what he had said in the car, “Becoming friends”. I would have to remember that line as I talked to my friends throughout the day.

We sat across from each other, as usual, in English. But this time, he pretty much stared at me the entire time. It didn’t matter that he didn’t know the answer when called on. He could have cared less about AP English. I saw him scribbling something on a small piece of paper and immediately knew it was a note for me. When English was over, he slipped it into my hand and walked away to go use the restroom. I uncurled it and read:

“I love you. Will you eat lunch with me?”

I dropped off my English books and made it to Calc with a couple minutes to spare. I sat in my old seat at the back and when Chris entered the room and saw me, he had on a huge grin. I smiled right back. When he sat down, I said “thanks for the note”.

“And?”, he asked in that cheshire cat way of his.

“And I’d love to have lunch with you today”, laughing at his sweetness.

He kept looking at me during Calculus as well. I think Mr. Pride was about to separate us, but then the bell rang and we got our stuff to leave. He gave me another note. Told me to read it in my next class. When I got to Chemistry, Nate was waiting for me, apparently over his little tiff he had had this morning. I sat down at our two-person table and quickly unfolded my new note. It read:

“I still love you. Can’t wait to see you at lunch”

I laughed out loud at his silliness. Nate wanted to know what was so funny, but I kept it to myself. He knew it had to be something about Chris, though.

When I got to lunch, Chris was already there with a tray full of food.

“Just so you wouldn’t have to wait in line”, he said sweetly.

I picked up a piece of pizza and ate to my heart’s content. We talked about classes and people and pretty much everyone in the lunchroom stared at us with wonder. I took it from Anne, later, that they were shocked that I would ever even forgive Chris. Not only had I forgiven him, but it seemed like we were back where we had left off. When he leaned over to talk closer to me, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he said, “Go out with me Saturday” and winked. I laughed at his wink since he was seriously challenged when it came to these funny facial expressions. I said in return, “I can’t, I have a party to go to at Anne’s house”.

“Well, am I not invited as well?”, he asked with a look of shock written across his face.

“I don’t know”, I replied as I looked at him with a note of nonchalance, “she might not allow traitors in her midst”. I laughed under my breath and tried very hard not to openly guffaw right there in the middle of the lunchroom.

“Traitors? I’ll have you know that I am not a traitor!”, and he was really getting into his role of “put upon” ex-boyfriend. “If anyone’s the traitor, I’d say it was you”, he said as an aside, somewhat hoping I wouldn’t hear, but saying it loud enough so that he knew I would.

I looked a bit pained. “Ok, I’m not even going there. I’ll ask her if it’s ok and let you know.”

“And since I have weight-lifting with her next hour, I’ll let you know”, he retorted and smiled that big grin of his. I wasn’t quite sure what this whole cat and mouse game had accomplished. I knew he could go to the party, I just didn’t want to give into him so quickly. He knew I wanted to be with him and would probably forgo the party to accomplish this, but Anne would have been sorely upset with me if I had missed her big party and so would I. I guess I just wasn’t sure about taking him around my friends so soon. I knew they were mostly still mad at him and now mad at me for being with him again. It was out of worry and friendship, true, and I couldn’t really blame them. I still had my doubts too.

What was this “traitor” business about? I was a lot of things, but not a traitor! Was this just an excuse to keep me away from her friends? I saw how they looked at me in the Smoking Lounge. I noticed that no one came over to talk to us at lunch. I saw the stares I received when Tina and I were close. I probably was a traitor to them. I hoped she didn’t really feel this way about me. I was falling so fast, my head spun. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, she was on my mind. And I didn’t want to mess it up this time. I knew that Tina was counting on me to work through my issues. I knew she wouldn’t stick with me if I didn’t work on myself and make her trust me again. I so wanted her to trust me. I didn’t know how exactly I could make her see that I was changed, that I wasn’t going to repeat last October’s scene. But I knew I had to try. I was smitten. Had always been smitten. And probably always would be smitten with this beautiful, smart, funny, wonderful girl who took my heart away every time I saw her.

After 7th hour, Chris met me at my locker and took me home via BR ice cream where we shared my Jamocha Almond Fudge and his Butter Brickle. I think he ate half of mine, but I didn’t mind. It was fun to be together again, doing something as benign as sharing ice creams. I kissed him goodbye when he dropped me off and he promised to call after his favorite TV show was over. I could tell he wanted to stay and study/eat dinner, but I didn’t think my parents were up for Chris company just yet. I needed to ease them back into us as much as I needed to do it for myself. The week continued in much the same fashion as Monday. He would start it by picking me up with coffee and end it with ice cream and kisses. We talked at night, mostly about homework and our upcoming summers. He would be going to Football camp here in St. Louis and spending a week in Michigan with the coaches there. I would be babysitting to earn as much as I could for college. Unfortunately, my parents gave me the news that they were not going to be able to help very much for my tuition. I thought about just staying home and going to JuCo or maybe going to Mizzou like so many of my friends were doing. I hadn’t brought this up to Chris, as I knew he was going to have a cow when he heard how tight things were for me. So, it was with trepidation on Friday, that I mentioned what was going on when he asked me “So you’ve paid your deposit for Michigan, right?”. He had just gotten back from a Michigan Football conference call that school had set up for him. They were still ironing out all the details of his full scholarship and grants. They wanted him to come up and pick out the apartment and car that he wanted, so he, his Mom and Stepfather were planning on a 2-day trip next weekend. I didn’t want to rain on his parade. I knew how much he wanted me to go to Michigan, but what could I say?

“No, I haven’t”, was all I could get out.

“Well, why the hell not? What are you waiting for? You know you have to have it in by the 1st right?”, he practically spit out at me over the phone. He was mad, I could tell by his tone of voice. And anxious.

“I don’t know if I can still go”, I said sheepishly. “And I don’t need you yelling at me about it. I’m pretty upset myself.”

“But Tina, I thought you wanted to go so badly. I thought we had worked this out before. Did this change when we broke up? Is that why?”, he sounded scared.

“No, it changed because my parents told me they can’t afford tuition and room and board at an away school. And I’m not sure what they can even afford in state. My father’s job is shaky right now. They are saving all they can in case he loses it. I think college for me is the last thing on their mind.” I sounded scared too. I was scared. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

“Well, let me ask you this. Do you have enough for the deposit?”

“Yeh, I’ve saved up over $1000 for school, but that was supposed to be spending money.”

He interrupted me, “Ok, if you can get the deposit paid, let me see what I can do about getting you loans. Heck, Tina, they have like a zillion Student Aid loans out there. And you might even qualify for a PEL grant.”

Now I interrupted, “What’s a PEL grant?”, I asked.

“It’s basically free money that the government gives away to students with good grades, who have little cash from their family. Let’s fill out the forms and see what we can get you. And besides, you can live with me. You know I want you to. I mean they are giving me a rent-free apartment and all the groceries I can consume. I don’t think anyone would care if you lived there too.”

I was floored. We had talked about us living together, but that was a long time ago. “Are you crazy?! My parents would never allow me to do that. And besides, what if we broke up again? Then, what would I do?”

“Why do you always have to do that?”, he said sadly, “Why can’t you just try to give us our shot?”

“I’m just being realistic, Chris”, I said beseechingly, “I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on us.”

“Will you at least consider it. I mean if it didn’t work out, we could always get you into a dorm room. Or find a Studio apartment for you. Please, just consider living with me. I know it’s a lot to think about, but the deposit isn’t that much. That’s all you have to do now. That and start applying for loans and grants. Don’t you think we’ll know more by the end of the summer? Then we can make the decision of whether we should live together. After we have 4 more months together.” Near the end, he got quieter, not so bossy. I could tell this had been on his mind since we started talking again. He had been thinking of this since that weekend we spent together in Michigan.

“Ok, I’ll pay the deposit out of my own funds. And we can think about living together come August. But I don’t want to say anything to anyone about this, ok?”, I asked warningly.

“Ok”, he replied. And he knew he had won that battle.

God, thinking of going to Michigan without Tina was pure hell. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to play for them. They were really my best pick out of all the colleges pursuing me. I was actually pretty much psyched to go there. I would have my own apartment, a new car, as much spending money as I needed, all my groceries paid for and my entire academic tuition covered. I just didn’t want to think about being away from her now that I had gotten her back into my life. What she didn’t realize was that my life had been a nightmare without her. Having to see her each day in school, in our classes that we shared, at lunch. She thought I didn’t care. I made her think I was seeing a bunch of other girls, but that was just a load of bunk. I went out with a few others, but I never stopped missing her. I always hoped we would get back together. And now that we had, I wasn’t going to let her slip through my fingers just because she couldn’t afford school. Heck, I’d gotten her into that school. I was sure I could pull some strings to get her funding. One thing was for sure, I had learned my lesson the last time. She would never know what I had finagled on her behalf.

Chapter 15 – Anne’s Party

He picked me up at 7:00 to go out to dinner before Anne’s party, Saturday evening. I had taken extra time to look pretty for him. This was the first time that we had gotten together with my friends since rekindling our relationship and I was hoping and praying that all went smoothly. Chris had a strong personality. You either really liked him or you didn’t. Simple as that. When he came to my door, he let out a long, low whistle at looking at me all dolled up. I was wearing a jean mini-skirt, a clingy red short-sleeved sweater and strappy sandals. I was wearing a matching black lace bra and panty set that I was hoping he might get to see, if he played his cards right. I had curled my long, brown hair and applied more make-up than usual. He appreciated the extra care I had taken in looking good for him. He always did. For his part, he had on starched dark blue jeans and a light blue button-down shirt. He had washed his long, strawberry blond hair and blown it dry so that it was neat and combed.

He took me to an Italian restaurant, our favorite, and even got the waiter to serve us Chianti wine. He had a red rose waiting for me at the table and I blushed when I saw the trouble he had gone to for me. After he ordered an appetizer for us, he turned to me and said,

“I hope you will seriously think about my offer.”

“You know I will, but I have to tell you, if we went through with it, we couldn’t tell anyone. I mean, my parents would never agree to anything like that. And I’m not sure yours would either. And besides that, what would the football program have to say? I can’t imagine that’s what they are giving you an apartment for….” When I was finished, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Tina, I don’t give a damn what the football program has to say. They want me there, they can damn well put up with my girlfriend living with me. You know I’m going there next weekend?…Why don’t you come with me?”, he asked me, knowing I wouldn’t want to do that so soon after us getting back together.

“I can’t do that”, I said quietly, “You know I can’t do that now.”

“Fine, be that way”, and he smiled as he said it so I knew he was just being cute, even if he was pouting a bit. Our appetizer arrived and there was no more talk about college, which I was grateful for. I had sent in the deposit money, even though I doubted if it would do any good. I wanted to believe what Chris told me about loans and grants. I knew he wanted me to go there, so I would let him help me see if we could make it a reality. I didn’t know about living with him though. That just downright scared me. Heck, just going out tonight had me full of butterflies. I was so happy to be with him, but I always had that sense of “when is the other shoe going to drop”. I didn’t trust him. I wanted to. But I just couldn’t. Not yet.

When we were done with dinner, I was not only full, but I had a bit of a buzz on from the Chianti. I wasn’t much of a wine drinker. It went straight to my head. Chris hadn’t drunk as much as I had. He was our designated driver for the night, so he was taking it easy. When we got back to the truck, he pulled over after he drove about a mile. He had found an out of the way parking lot that was deserted. He pulled me to him and kissed me long and tenderly. His tongue was hard and passionate as he worked its way around my mouth. He nibbled on my lips and brought his head down to my neck.

“Get in the back with me”, he half pleaded, half ordered, “I want to make you feel really good, tonight babe.” That was all he had to say. I was ready. I crawled in the back while he got out of the truck on his side and opened up the back door. He was way too big to be crawling over seats. Once he shut his side’s back door, he was all over me like “stink on shit”. While he was kissing me all over my face, he reached under my skirt to pull off my lace undies. When he saw what came off in his hand, he let out a low moan of approval, “You are so fucking sexy, do you know that?”, he asked under his breath. Not waiting for my reply and not really needing one, he pushed me down on the seat, grabbed me from under my knees and pulled my legs over his shoulders so that he could go down on me. He pushed my skirt up as far as it would go and started sucking on my clit in the back of his big, over-sized truck. I hadn’t felt his tongue on me in so long, I forgot how good he was at what he was doing. He had me wet and pushing up against his mouth in no time. He flicked that tip of his tongue against the top part of my clitoris and I was over the brink, having an orgasm like I couldn’t remember. I said softly, “Chris, oh Chris, that is sooo good. You are so fucking good”. He loved making me come. He loved how many times I would come. When he was done stroking me to climax over and over again, he wiped his mouth on the inside of my thigh and sat up. Once I had caught my breath, I sat up and started undoing his zipper.

“Uh Uh”, he said, “Not tonight.”

“What do you mean, not tonight?”, I asked incredulous.

“I mean we aren’t having sex tonight. It’s too soon.”

“Well, then I can still do other things, can I not?”, I asked sinfully and started to undo his top button and unzip his fly.

“Oh, you are a little wench, aren’t you?”, he laughed. But once I had his fly undone, I needed him to pull down his pants for me. I couldn’t quite force the issue like he had with me. I started to stroke his dick outside his boxers and that was all she wrote. He immediately took down his pants and boxers, so I could wrap my mouth around his swollen, purpling head. I sucked on him and he pumped his dick while I went to town at the top. It didn’t take long for him to push up off the seat and shiver before coming in my mouth. As he did so, he yelled “Oh fuck, Tina. I’m coming so hard”. I loved when he did this. He spurted his pungent liquid twice before he sat back down and let out a long breath. He pulled my hair to the side and I lay down in his lap while he caught his breath.

As he looked in my eyes, he said lovingly, “You know I love you, right?”

I smiled as I said, “Yes, I do.” And added, “You know I love you too?”

He smiled and breathed, “Mm hmmm” and pulled me up off of him to kiss me. We sat there kissing for another ten minutes while he groped me under my sweater. He wanted to see what I had worn for a bra and voiced his delight when he saw it matched my panties. He squeezed my nipples through my bra and got me all hot and bothered. But even when I asked why we couldn’t make love, he denied me. He just kept saying we needed to go slow.

“And going down on each other is going slow?”, I asked sarcastically.

“Yes. Well, it’s slower than making love. And besides, I don’t want to do that in this truck. And I know you don’t either”, and that was the end of that discussion. He was right. I had always said before that I would never have sex in a vehicle. And now, as much as I wanted him, I had to admit he was right. I didn’t want it to be in the truck.

Finally, we decided we had sucked face enough for now and he drove on to Anne’s house for the party. It was nearing 9:00 so we knew we wouldn’t be the first ones there. And, as it turned out we were actually one of the last ones there. Anne greeted us at the door and gave Chris a hug after she got done with me. I thought that was nice, considering we weren’t sure how any of my friends would react to Chris’s presence. When we went down to her basement where the party was taking place, we got a big welcome. Mostly they were glad to see me, but a few of my guy friends and almost all of my girlfriends came up to say “hi” to Chris. We sat down on one of her couches and she got us beers. Several of my friends were getting high, so I partook. Chris opted out. He wasn’t very much into smoking marijuana. After a while, Harlan asked Chris to play pool and that was all it took. He played for the rest of the night. I barely got two kisses from him that whole night. I talked and smoked with my girlfriends, who, of course, wanted to know all about Chris and me. I told them what I felt I could tell them. That we were exploring being back together. That I was still planning on going to Michigan, but I wasn’t sure as my parents couldn’t afford it. We talked about student loans and grants, as many of them were also getting some form of assistance. We listened to new music, played some old albums and generally had a great time. There were only about 20 of us there, so it was nice and cozy. Anne’s parties were usually just my group of friends. I was glad to see that Nate had not been invited, or at least didn’t show up. I asked Anne about this and she said she knew better than to invite him. He wasn’t really a part of my crowd, but had been included when he and I were “seeing” each other. I didn’t want to smear his name, so I didn’t talk about how things had never really been cemented between us. If my friends had known that he didn’t even french kiss, they would have been shocked. And some might have teased him about it. He didn’t deserve that and I wasn’t a “kiss and tell” kind of person. Around midnight, Anne brought out a drinking game and I played. By the time we left, I was 3 sheets to the wind.

When I woke up the next morning, I opened up one eye and thought my head was going to come off. I had the worst hangover I had had in quite some time. I first noticed that I was still in my clothes from the night before. Not a good sign. Then, worse, I saw that I was not in my room at home. Oh shit! I was in Chris’s bed, well really just on Chris’s bed. And where was Chris? Oh no! I rolled over and saw that he was sleeping right next to me. And as I rolled over, my elbow found his cheek and he immediately came awake.

“Ow!” he yelled.

“Ohhh, sorry”, I said back. And just saying this made my head ache all the more. I grabbed my head and plopped back down on the bed. “What am I doing here? And why am I not at home?”, I asked, obviously in pain.

“Anne called your parents to see if you could stay at her house. They said yes, and I took you back here. You were in no position to argue at the time. But had I known you were going to elbow me and wake me up, I would have left you there.” And with that, he got up and went to the bathroom. He came back a minute later, having relieved himself, with 2 cold washcloths for my head. He laid one across my eyes and the other on my forehead. It felt good. He left again and came back with aspirin and a cold drink of water.

“Here. Take these and drink all of this”, he said authoritatively. I did as I was instructed and fell once again back on his pillow.

“Thanks”, I said and didn’t try to say anything else as my head pounded each time I spoke. He pulled me over to him and put his head up against my left ear to kiss me. He laid his arm across my middle and snuggled up against me.

“I’m sorry you feel so bad”, he murmured softly in my ear, “But it really is all your fault. You shouldn’t have played that drinking game. You’re not good at pacing yourself, you know that?”

All I could mutter was, “Uhhhh”. He laughed at me and I elbowed him again, this time on purpose, in his ribs.
“Hey, watch that”, he said and poked me in my ribs. I squirmed a little, but mostly tried to move my body and my head as little as possible. Once the aspirin had kicked in a little, I started to feel better.

“So when am I expected home?”, I asked.

“I don’t know. When would you normally go home from Anne’s house?”, he asked back.

“I guess around noon. What time is it now?”

“Not late enough. It’s just 9:00 am. You should try to go back to sleep.” And kissed me on my cheek.

“Will you wake me up in time? I don’t even know what I’ll say when you take me home. Shit, Chris, this is not good”, I scowled.

“Yes, I’ll set the alarm. Don’t worry about it. You’re fine.” And he tried to sound reassuring, but I knew my parents weren’t real welcoming to Chris in the first place. He snuggled up to me and we spooned for another couple hours of sleeping bliss. When his alarm went off, we got up, I combed my hair out and smoothed my clothes. He drove me home and let me walk up to the front door by myself, not even parking his truck in our driveway. He knew too that things were tense at my house where he was concerned. I ended up sleeping most of the day away. When I did finally feel back to 80% of myself, I ate dinner and did homework. I was surprised when Chris called around 9:00 that night.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”, he purred into the phone.

“Like shit warmed over”, I said matter-of-factly.

“Did you get your homework done at least?”, he asked worriedly.

“Yes, I did manage to get it all done. So, what happened last night?”, I asked.

“What do you mean, you played that game with your friends until about 2 in the morning and then I lugged you back to my house to sleep it off. You were plowed with a capital P”, and he laughed when he thought about how drunk I had been. “Hell I could have so had my way with you, you never would have known!”, he exclaimed.

“Well, then thank you for protecting my virginity”, I said sarcastically.

“Who says I did?”, he purred and laughed just once.

“Well I hope it was good for you, buster, cause I have no memory of anything after about 12 that night”, I said dryly.

“Ok. All joking aside, we did absolutely nothing that night. Well, save for our foreplay in the truck, which I have to admit was quite over the top. The head of my dick is still asking for more”, he said under his breath. That memory I did have and I savored it.

“Yeh, that was very nice, wasn’t it?”, I teased.

“That was more than just nice, honey. Can I come over and service you right now?”, he breathed.

“And what should we say to my parents? Oh hi, Mom and Dad, Chris is just here to ‘service’ me? We’re going to have a quick fuck in my room. Be right back out?”, and I laughed as I thought of how ridiculous that would be and what my parents faces would look like if I did say that to them.

“No, I guess that won’t work. How about you just go for a walk and I’ll meet you a block down. We’ll do what we can in my truck?”, he asked, sounding somewhat serious.

“How about you just whip that big dick of yours out while we talk on the phone and I’ll phone fuck you?”, and I was kinda serious. I had never done anything like that, but when it came to Chris, it was anything goes.

“I’d much rather it was in person. Go on, give me 10 minutes and I’ll be there. Go for a walk and I’ll pick you up”, he said quickly. I could tell he was thinking of all the things he’d like to do to me in the back of his pick-up.

“I’ll be the one not wearing any underwear”, I said and hung up. Ten minutes later, I told my Mom I was going for a walk to get some cool air and she said not to go too far. I told her I wouldn’t and slipped out the front door. I walked a block down my street and saw a familiar red pick-up truck sitting parked, motor running with his lights off. I walked past it and he flicked his lights once, then twice. I turned around and pulled up my t-shirt to reveal my bare breasts to him. I thought he was going to have a conniption fit. He shot out of his truck as fast as he could and came over to ravish me in a full-body rub and kiss. He pulled me over to his truck and pulled my knees up so that I was straddling him alongside his truck. He held me up while he opened the back door and then swung me around so that he could maneuver me into the back seat. I gladly went. Once inside his pick-up, I pulled off my shorts, so he could see I truly did not have a stitch of clothing on underneath. He pulled me down and pulled down his sweatpants at the same time. Then he shocked me by shoving his thick, stiff dick up into my wet pussy as far as he could. And here, I thought we would never do it in the back seat of his truck. And, for that matter, that it was too soon for us. He could see the shock on my face and very quickly pulled out.

“No, don’t”, I said.

“Are you sure?”, he asked, feeling like he had broken a pact between us.

“Yes, I’m sure….Now get back in here”, I said and smiled. And with that, he did. He rode me until we were steaming up the windows with our sweat and our breath. He ducked up under my Tee and sucked and licked and bit my tits until they were red and swollen. He hadn’t shaved that day, so it didn’t take much for them to get all scratched up. But I didn’t complain, I loved what he was doing to me. I loved being pumped on. I loved being sucked at. I slapped his ass and sucked on his nipples too. I loved feeling his body on top of me again. His abs were so tight and I could see that he had lost weight since we were together last. I felt his thighs as they rubbed up against the insides of my thighs. He bumped his head on the side window, but I don’t think he felt a thing. He just went to town on me. And we made it last. Well, as long as any teenagers could. When he finally did blow his load into me, he shuddered as he always did and bellowed out, “Oh Yeh, fuck me Jesus! You are so fucking good, Tina”. I loved hearing this, it never got old. Seems like it was always something different, but whatever he said, he said it with heart and passion and from the very depths of his soul. I told him I had to get back and he let me go, although he really wanted to go down on me. He was very thoughtful in that way. He knew that I didn’t really get off from sexual intercourse. But I loved it nevertheless. What he didn’t know, though, was that night I cried when I got home. I took a long hot shower and cried silently as I cleaned myself. I wanted our first time together to be a time when we could really be together. I tried not to be upset, telling myself that it was my idea to do this, that there would be plenty of other times for us to truly be together, that he loved me whether we had time to lie down and cuddle after sex. I was hoping he would call when he got back home, but he didn’t. It was close to 10:30 then anyway. My parents would not have approved of him calling that late, and he knew that.

Chapter 16 – Prom

When he picked me up the next day for school, he didn’t have the usual coffee with him. He had a long-stem pink rose. Now, where he had gotten that at this time in the morning, I couldn’t be sure, but it was one of the sweetest gifts he had ever gotten me. I took it and sniffed it and gave him a big wet kiss.

“Thank you for last night”, he offered.

“Is that what this is for?”, I asked, starting to get a little tiffed.

“No, this is for being so beautiful”, he said, squelching any anger that may have started to rise. I kissed him again and he looked around as I did so.

“Are you parents around?”, he asked, looking worried.

“No, and I don’t care if they are!”, I exclaimed.

“Well, aren’t we miss bravery today?”, he spat out. I laughed and got into his truck. He took us for coffee and we were nearly late for AP English. He, once again, stared at me off and on during the entirety of class. And then walked me to AP Calculus and stared at me there also. He passed me a note in Calc. It read:

“When can I bump my head against the side window again?”

I laughed and Mr. Pride, ever the watchful teacher, asked me if I’d like to share what was so funny with the rest of the class. I responded appropriately and he resumed teaching. We were all getting ready for the AP exams coming up in May, so he really didn’t have time to be talking to a student about her giggles. The other event coming up in May was Prom. Chris had said nothing about this so far, even though I was sure he probably wanted to go together. I wondered if he was a bit skittish because of the last School dance we had attended together. I couldn’t blame him. I felt the same way. But, at the same time, I knew we had to get over this hurdle. We had to trust each other, enough to try again. He had had a few sessions with his counselor and told me that things were going well, even if it was hard for him. I didn’t want to bring the subject of Prom up, but I needed to buy a dress soon if I was going to at all.

Now that I was seeing a counselor, it helped. I was starting to understand why I had pushed her away. I was beginning to see the anger that I harbored deep down towards my mother. It was hard work and there were times when I wanted to chuck the whole thing. But I knew I had to go through it. I knew if I was ever going to have a good relationship with Tina, or any woman for that matter, that I needed to work on myself. I didn’t tell anyone, but my Mom and Tina that I was doing this. It was hard enough getting ribbed for normal stuff, I didn’t need any of my guy friends to get on me about this too. I wanted to ask Tina to Prom, but I was worried she wouldn’t want to go with me. I know this was stupid, really, but I felt cautious all the same. I had screwed up the last School dance we had been to together, I didn’t want her to turn me down remembering what a jack-ass I had been. I would make it up to her with Prom. I had a bunch of plans in gear for how great that night was going to be. Now I just had to get her to accept my invitation. And I knew I better do it quick.

The next day at school, Chris cornered me between English and Calc. I looked up into his mesmerizing blue eyes, wondering what he had up his sleeve.

He leaned in as close as we could get without actually kissing and whispered, “Will you give me the pleasure of being my date to Prom?” and then pulled back to smile into my upturned face.

I replied sweetly, “I would love to be your Prom date”, and he quickly kissed me on my lips. When we started walking again, well really running as we didn’t want to be late for Calculus, I asked if he would go with me to pick out a dress. He just looked at me like I was crazy.

“Ok, then just match your cumber bun to the color of my dress” and we were already to class. We sat down in our seats and Mr. Pride started in on our homework. Chris wrote me a note:

“We can match my cumber-whatever, but you’ll have to pick out the dress

with your friends. I don’t shop.”

I laughed under my breath and smiled at him. He nodded and mouthed “Ok?” and I nodded back and smiled. I tried so hard not to laugh, knowing Mr. Pride would want to know what I found so funny. He was easily the strictest teacher I had ever had.

That following weekend, Chris left town to go have his final meeting with Michigan coaches and the Dean. He was to pick out his apartment, a new car and set up a checking account where they would deposit funds to cover his expenses. Not only were they covering his living and school expenses, but other things like gasoline, groceries, and “supplementals”, meaning he had a stipend which he could spend on anything he found worthy. While he was away Friday and Saturday, my friends and I went shopping. I picked the first dress I saw that day, although I had to spend 6 hours shopping before I knew it was that first dress that I wanted. It was blush pink, a sheath design, with spaghetti straps and a zipper on the side. I needed to tan a bit more, but it would be stunning on me. We all planned to go to a salon the day of and get manicures, pedicures and our hair done up. When I had the dress in hand, we took it over to the tuxedo shop that we knew Chris was using and showed the sales clerk the color he would need for his cumber bun. I wasn’t sure he would like wearing pink, but that was his problem for having not gone with me to pick out my dress! I missed him. I missed bantering with him and kissing, I missed us eating together and fucking together. I knew it was silly. For god’s sakes, it was only 2 days. Still, I missed him.

Sunday morning, at 9:00 am, I heard something tap at my window. When I looked out, Chris was standing there, throwing little rocks up at me. I smiled, waved and got on my slippers to go downstairs. I wasn’t dressed yet, but the house was starting to stir with activity. When I opened the front door, he stood there with a big bunch of flowers.

“Oh, wow! Those are beautiful”, I exclaimed.

“Glad you like them. Can I come in?”, he asked meekly.

“Sure. It’s probably as good a time as any”, I said quietly. We went into the kitchen to get a vase and some water for the flowers and my father welcomed Chris. Thank God for Dads, I gave up a small prayer. I wasn’t sure how welcoming my mother would be, but my father didn’t hold a grudge at all. When my Mom came in and saw the big bouquet of flowers, she “Oohed and Aahed” over them and smiled at Chris, who was drinking coffee and eating toast I had made for him. He got up and gave her a hug and that went miles in the right direction as far as my Mom was concerned. She had really liked him before the whole fiasco and break-up. And I knew she wanted to again.

Chris spoke to my parents when he said, “I hope you know that Prom will be a lot different than Homecoming had been. I hope you’ll let Tina stay out all night, as is the custom. A couple of my guy friends and I are planning on renting a room at the Sheraton together.”

You could hear a pin drop in that kitchen. My Mom looked at my Dad and my Dad looked at me. I could tell they were having a hard time with letting their little girl go, but I was no longer their little girl. My Dad was the first to speak, “I think we could bend the rules this one time. I know when your Mom and I had Prom, it was an all night affair then too. But Tina”, and he looked at me, “I expect you to be responsible about driving and…”and then my Mom piped in with “Other things”, and she looked at me like I would know exactly what she was getting at. And, of course, I did. And I was. What they didn’t know was that I had been on the Pill since Sophomore year. Or at least I hoped they didn’t know. When the tension eased, we all started talking about my dress and Chris’s tux and who we were going to be having dinner with. Chris was forthcoming to them on all the details, which helped my parents feel more at ease. They weren’t dumb. They knew we were back together. Just in the fact that he called every single night and he brought me home late after school. My Mom, especially, knew from how I was acting that I was happy.

When the night of the Prom rolled around finally, Chris arrived in style in a black limousine. We were going with my two girlfriends, Joyce and Anne, and their dates, Harlan and Chris’s best friend, Jake. Anne had been dating Jake for the past 2 months and was hopeful she could make him settle down some. I told her, more than once, not to hold her breath, but if anyone could do it, she could. He came in with two corsages! One was a pin-on, for my dress, and the other, a wrist corsage. I had gotten him a blush pink rose boutonnière and my mother pinned it to his tux coat. She took a bunch of pictures of us and we hurried off to pick up the others. We waited while Jake went into Anne’s house, which seemed to take forever, and then while Harlan picked up Joyce, which thankfully, did not take long. The guys had decided on a fancy Italian restaurant for dinner and we all shared a bottle of Champagne in the limo. I sat very close to Chris and he leaned over to kiss me several times. I think we were making the others a bit sick, but we didn’t care. My girlfriends knew that this was our “Make-Up” dance, so to speak.

Dinner was superb. Chris and I held hands the whole time we could. He got a big steak and I got Cannelloni (which he, of course, had to try). We split a healthy slice of Cheesecake and he fed me bites. I made the faux pas of asking the other couples about the room we were sharing. Chris had forgotten to tell me that story he fed to my parents was all a lie. We were not sharing a room with anyone, but each other. They looked at us, well more at me, and started to laugh. Ha Ha. The joke was on me. But I really did think we were all sharing a room. Jake and Anne did have a room reserved at the Sheraton, but Harlan and Joyce were just going back to his house, which was vacant for the weekend. I glared at Chris, but he just smiled that adorable little knowing smile that he always gave me when he had played a trick on me. Once we were finished with dinner, we took the limo back to the Sheraton, where the Prom was taking place in one of their ballrooms. We danced, drank under the table (so to speak), and kissed while I sat in his lap. I was thankful when they called out the King and Queen of Prom and it wasn’t he or I. I didn’t need or want any more publicity. Around 1:00 am, Chris leaned over to me and said into my ear, “Have you had enough?”. I looked at him and saw he was smiling that little lascivious smile of his. He wanted me and had waited all night for me. I nodded and we told our friends we were leaving. The girls got up and gave me a hug. Anne and I made plans to have breakfast tomorrow morning around 10:00 am, if we were both up. She winked at me and I winked back.

Chris had already checked into the hotel when we arrived, so he showed me to our room. I had brought along a duffel bag full of my necessities and this was waiting for me on the bed. I excused myself to the bathroom, while Chris waited in the room for me to change. About 10 minutes later, I emerged a changed woman. I had taken off my dress and hung it up in the garment bag my mother had given me. I had changed into a black lace teddi with push up bra, black lace garter belt and black lace stockings. I kept my hair up even though it hurt with all the bobby pins against my scalp, because Chris had admired the way it was wrapped with tendrils hanging down for him to play with. I knew it would come down eventually, given what we were going to be doing the rest of the night, but I was in no rush, seeing how much pleasure he took and how much I had paid to have it done this way. When he saw me come through the bathroom door, he was speechless. And naked. One hundred percent naked from head to toe. I was shocked. In the time it took me to get undressed and re-dressed, he had put on some mood music and stripped. He smiled at what he saw. I gasped at what I saw. Oh, it shouldn’t have really shocked me. I mean I had seen him in the buff on a number of occasions, but it was just so stark. The lights were all on and here was my boyfriend in his birthday suit! I went to turn off the lights and he just stood and stared at me walking.

“Mmmm, come here”, he said, starting to breath hard. I went to where he was standing and watched him get hard as I did so. He was truly a gift to women everywhere and this woman, especially. I looked at him and wondered how I had ever been so lucky to win his heart.

I purred to him, “You look good enough to eat”, and smiled my most sexy grin.

“So, what’s stopping you?”, he asked in the sexiest tone of voice he had. And with that, I bent down and went to work. He had a hard time standing there. Well, he had a hard time of it all the way around. And, after a couple of minutes, he got in on the action and started pumping himself while I played with his balls and pulled on his head with my mouth and tongue.

“God, that’s so fucking good”, he cried as he came in my mouth. I kept sucking on him until he told me it was unbearable. He always got so tender down there after he came. I loved making him ask me to stop. Once he found his breath again, he got down to my level, on his knees, and pushed me down onto my back. He pulled my breasts out of my teddi and went to sucking on them. It didn’t take long for him to pull my nipples out of their sleep and make them stand up for him. Once he had them at attention, he loved to pull on them so that my breasts jiggled when he let go. At first, this felt a bit painful, but soon I was so thoroughly wet for him, that any pain felt like pure ecstasy. He moved down my body until his head was situated between my thighs. He wanted to be able to bite me all the way down, but I made sure he stayed nice, as the lace of my teddi and stockings would have torn. I had bought a teddi that had no crotch, so he took advantage of this and started licking me. He would pull back my labia and settle his tongue and lips in the most tender of spots on my body. When he had a good hold on my clitoris with his tongue, he would reach up and fondle my breasts some more. I arched my back as he made me come, flicking his tongue against my clit so fast that it felt like a vibrator. I counted my orgasms for him and when I was done, I fell back down in a heap. I was spent, but he was just getting good and ready.

The nice thing about being an eighteen-year-old male was that I could get hard several times a night. All it took was for Tina to come in my mouth and her nipples to respond to my pulling, for me to feel my dick start to stiffen again. Once she was done orgasming, I climbed up her and plugged her up with my cock. She moaned when I entered her and I could tell she was loving it. Oral sex was great, but there was nothing quite like fucking. She called it “making love”, I called it fucking. I fucked her long and hard, so much so I think I gave her rug burn. She would smile up at me while I pumped her over and over again. We always looked at each other while we made love. I loved the way she looked, always had. Why would I want to close my eyes? When I came, I shuddered and yelled out something to let her know how good she was. Sometimes she would ask me things while we were going at it. I couldn’t make sense when I was inside her, stroking her cunt with my dick. I just knew she liked to talk to me and ask me how much I liked it. The best way I had of showing her how I was feeling was by kissing her and letting her know how fucking hard I was coming. God, she loved that. When I was spent, I invariably fell on top of her. How she took my weight, I have no idea. I usually tried to roll off her as quickly as I could, but she always wanted me to stay where I was. And the crying thing. I didn’t know why she cried after sex. She said it was because she was overwhelmed. I had to accept that as the answer, but something always made me wonder if it wasn’t something more. I would hold her, like tonight. I would tell her how much I loved her and that I would never hurt her. She would nod and say she loved me too, like she did tonight. And then, still in her, we would roll over and stay together on our sides, while she calmed down and I found my breath. Sex with Tina was so physically demanding. I always needed a good five to ten minutes to be ready for more.

When I had finished crying and Chris had regained his stamina some, he asked me if I wanted to take a bath with him. The bathroom had this really big Jacuzzi tub in it and I was enthused, to say the least. I let him take off my stockings, then my garter belt, and finally my teddi. He was gentle and sweet in doing this, relishing every bit of my skin and the lace he was disrobing me of. He went to start the bath and called me in so we could lie in it, while it filled, together. I brushed my teeth and went to the bathroom while he got the water temp right. I had never gone pee in front of him, so this was a first. He looked back over his shoulder at me and smiled. He was shy about absolutely nothing. Me, I was shy about almost everything. I blushed and looked away, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to even go. When I was done, he went pee and I watched him. What a great big schlong he had! Of course, I didn’t have a lot to compare it to, but I was willing to bet his was longer than most. Didn’t hurt that he was 6’2” either. I got in the tub and waited for him to slide in behind me, which he did right after brushing his teeth also. He put his brush next to mine, like they belonged there. That was sweet. He sunk into the tub and there was already enough water, what with his mass disbursing most of it. I turned off the jet and he stretched out his legs. I leaned back against his chest. We were a perfect fit with him sitting up and me laying back against him. He started to take out the pins holding my hair up and I sighed “mmmm” as he did so. I knew my hair looked nice, but I was tired of wearing it on top of my head for the entire night. It was heavy and coming undone anyway. Plus, I think the pins were digging into his chest as I lay there. I lifted my head for him to be able to get at all of them, and he took delight in playing with my hair as he un-did it. When he was finally done, he pulled his hands through my long layers and pulled water up to his chest to work through my hair. It just felt so good to have him touching me like he did, I didn’t say anything to persuade him otherwise.

Finally, he asked me in his sweet, sexy voice, “Did you have a good time?”

I immediately said, “Yes. Did you?”

“I had a great time” and he kissed me on the side of my cheek. I looked around at him and smiled.

“Thank you”, I said as I smiled back to him.

“You’re welcome. Thank you…”, he murmured. I turned around to lie facing him and said, “You’re welcome”, in my little sing-songy tone-of-voice, “I didn’t realize how good of a dancer you are.”

“Me? You’re the dancer. I was just following you”, and he jumped a bit when I mock-punched him in his chest.

“You were not….you silly man”, I teased.

“You’re right. I wasn’t, but you are a good dancer. It’s no wonder you made it onto the Drill team as a Sophomore.” I had told him about this when we first met. How it had been such a prestige to be on the Drill team as a Sophomore as only a handful were chosen.

He started again, and I could tell he was more serious now, “Have you thought more about next year? Did you fill out the forms for the Student Loans and PEL Grants?”

“I have and I did”, I replied, “But I have to say, I don’t know how we would pull this over on my parents. I mean, aren’t they going to know I’m not living in a dorm?”

“Well, yeh. Couldn’t you say you had decided to live in an apartment with friends or even a studio? Would that be so weird?”, he asked, sounding a bit pushy, as he had a tendency to do.

“I just don’t think my parents would buy it. I mean, I know that they’ve always wanted me to live in a dorm”, I retorted.

“Well, ok. How are they going to know that you aren’t? You give them our phone number or better yet, we’ll get a second line that only you answer.” I didn’t have a quick response to that. It was underhanded, but it could work. They weren’t going to come up on Parent’s Weekend or anything. When they called, I could just make it sound like I was living in a dorm.

“You really want me to go and live with you, don’t you?”, I asked quietly, knowing the answer already.

“You don’t know how much I want this”, he said as he gazed into my eyes and smiled a quick little smile. “Tina, I know I can go to Michigan and be fine without you. But, I don’t want to. I want you with me. I want to continue being with you. I want to take care of you.” When I heard this, I turned back around in the tub, away from him slightly.

He pulled me against him, putting his arms all the way around me. “I know you are an independent woman. I know you don’t need me to take care of you. But, I want to. If only monetarily. Let the school pay for your room and board through me. Heck I can even gas up your car! They want me happy. And I want you with me. To me, it’s simple”, he ended and leaned back against the tub. I hadn’t realized until then that he was tense, worried.

“Ok”, I said, if only to ease his worries.

“Ok?”, he asked as if he couldn’t believe it. He sat up again as he said it.

“Yes, ok” and he turned me back around to kiss me. That just wasn’t going to work with me facing away from him. We sat there kissing until the water became too cool. He asked me if I wanted him to make it warmer, but I said I wanted to get out anyway. He pushed me up and out of the tub and I toweled off my body and my hair and then brushed out my locks so they wouldn’t be tangled in the morning. He toweled off too and came over to help, but mostly ended up kissing me while I did the deed.

Ohmygod! I couldn’t believe it. She was really going to come with me. I was so excited, but I didn’t want to scare her with how totally psyched I was. I had this feeling she would get scared again if I laid it on too thick. And I had a tendency to do just that. I wanted to kiss her forever lying in that tub together. She was the one who wanted to get out. It was like that with us. I was always over the top, she was constantly bringing me down to earth. I didn’t mind it though. I needed her to tether me. I needed her.

He retired to the bed and pulled the sheets and covers down for me to get in. I went over and he pulled me next to him. We smiled at each other and kissed here and there.

“I love you, Tina Taylor”, he said several times.

“I love you too, Chris McIntyre”, I replied. His kisses eventually grew more insistent and deeper and he pulled me under him so he could make love to me again. We kicked off the sheets and covers and he grabbed his dick to enter me. As he entered me, he reached down with his mouth to suckle on my nipples. He pumped me up against the headboard and I lifted my hands up to keep us from bumping it over and over again. He was so lost in sex, he had no idea what he did to himself, much less me. So, if he ever clearly started to hurt me, I had to get his attention by pushing him. Thankfully, this did not happen that often. It was usually just in tight spaces, where he had me up against something that was uncomfortable. Mostly, he was the one who came out sore or tight afterwards. He was so lengthy, that to be able to play with my tits, he had to lean over me in a cramped position. But when he got really going, like tonight, he would give up and stretch out over me to slide in and out of me. He kept his weight off of me with his forearms, but I loved how our stomachs moved against each other. How his thighs rubbed mine as we slid back and forth. And the second time was always better than the first, if only that he could hold his orgasm that much longer. When he came the second time, he yelled out “Oh God! I’m coming so fucking hard, Tina”. He would shudder and sometimes that shuddering would go on for a while. One time I asked him if he was having a seizure, half laughing, half serious. He replied that this was just what his body did when he released. I told him I loved his shudders. I loved his coming in me. I loved how he slumped immediately down on me after he was spent. He was heavy, but I still loved his weight.

After he came and had rolled off me, I went to “freshen up” in the bathroom. Once I had cleaned myself, I went back to bed. He was already snoring! I laughed and climbed in and pulled the covers over us. He woke up as I did this and pulled me close to him. We spooned and fell asleep. When I woke up one time during the night, he was stretched out on his back, taking up most of the bed. He was such a hog. At everything. But I didn’t care, I didn’t need much. I just needed him. Pretty much in the same way that he needed me. I didn’t tell him this. It was just too overwhelming, too personal. I wasn’t ready to give myself fully to this man. I still remembered how scared he had made me and the grief I had felt for so long. I couldn’t give that up just yet. Maybe never, I didn’t know.

I woke up to him licking me. In my most private of places. And oh, it felt so good. I had never come out of sleep before. It was amazing how quickly I responded to his touch. I looked down to see his strawberry blond hair above my mound and came as he licked me over and over again. When he could tell I was done, he turned me over, brought my hips up against his kneeling thighs and entered me from behind. I had to put the pillow up against the headboard while he pushed me back and forth against it. He groaned and said, “Fuck” again and again until he came and then he just moaned, “Ohhhhh yehhhh, you fucking bitch”. I laughed when he called me a bitch and he plopped down on me from exhaustion. I laid down flat for him to lie against, finding my own breath as he did his.

“Why are you laughing?”, he asked, breathing hard still.

“Because you called me a bitch”, I said and laughed again.

“I did?”, he asked, astonished he would ever do such a thing. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

“Oh yes, you did. But don’t worry, you don’t know the half of what you say when we’re doing it”, and laughed again. He rolled off of me when he realized he was probably smashing me.

“Chris, when we make love, are you aware that it’s me?”, I asked, both curious and amused.

“Yes! Of course, I know it’s you. I just don’t always think about what I’m saying, that’s all” and he sounded a bit indignant. He pulled me to him, so that I was facing him and asked, “Are you upset by what I say?”, he looked worried.

“No, of course not. I just wanted to make sure you knew that it was me you were fucking, that’s all”, I said and smiled as I kissed his nose, then his cheek and finally settled on his lips. He opened my mouth and took control of our kisses the way he always seemed to do. In fact, come to think of it, he was always in control of our love-making. Not that I minded. I wanted him to take control. I wanted to be his sex toy. I just didn’t want him to be totally in control of everything.

I couldn’t believe I had called her a bitch. I didn’t even recall doing it. I just knew that I was totally out of control when we got going. But I needed to be like that to come as hard as I did. Tina had no idea how making love to her affected me. I was not only close to her physically, but emotionally as well. I felt totally open, like I was baring my soul to her. It scared me, but I couldn’t help wanting more. I felt I couldn’t get enough of her. God, what desire she ignited in me!

It was nearly 10:00 am when we woke up, so we had to get a move on if we were to check out at 12:00. We got out in enough time and he invited me to brunch at the hotel’s restaurant. I agreed and we ate a big meal (well he ate a big meal, I ate what I normally eat) together. We were both still pretty tired from the night’s festivities, so when we were done, he took me home and I crashed into bed until around 4:00. I got up, did some laundry, talked to my Mom about how wonderful Prom was, and settled down to homework. We had finals coming up and I wanted to do well. We had already had our AP exams, but wouldn’t find out the results of these until after we graduated. Chris called me around 7:00 pm to see how I was and what I was doing. We talked for a while.

Finally, he said to me”Tina, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. Uh, I’ve been meaning to ask you if you would want to come see Rick, my counselor, with me.” He sounded a bit worried at how I would respond.

After a moment, I said, “I would love to do that.” I couldn’t believe he had asked me. I was a a bit astounded and very much flattered.

“Well, I have a session both Tuesday and Friday, this week. So, you can take your pick.”

“Ok, how about Tuesday?”, I asked.

“Good, Tuesday it is, then. We’ll go after school, ok?”

“Yeh, ok. Well, I’m going to turn in early tonight. I’m still wiped from Prom!”

“Yeh, me too. And hey, I had the best time I think I have ever had with someone. I love you”, and he sounded both pleased and tender.

“Me too, Chris. It was perfect. Thank you.” I hoped he knew how much it had meant that it was perfect. I trusted him that much more.

We said our goodbyes for another few minutes. It was always hard for us to hang up with each other. He wanted to come over and I had to say no several times. Which was kinda cute, when I thought about it.

Chapter 17 – Counseling

When I asked her to counseling, my heart was beating rapidly. I wanted her to go, but I didn’t want her to, all at the same time. My sessions with Rick had been both eye-opening and emotional. I knew that I wanted her to trust me. I knew that I wanted her to love me. I guess I felt that to know me fully, she should meet my counselor. I had talked to Rick about this meeting. He had said he thought it was a good idea. But when Tuesday came, I was worried. What if she found out some things about me that she didn’t like? What if she realized I was a complete loser? What if she decided not to come to Michigan in the fall? Then I realized something. It wasn’t just about her trusting me, it was also about my trusting her. And I wasn’t sure I was there. I trusted her as much as I trusted anyone. But it was hard for me.

When Chris picked me up for school Tuesday morning, I could tell he was tense. He usually was a talkative, coffee-drinking fool in the morning. This morning, not only did he not have coffee, but he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t care if he wanted to get out of this “co-counseling” session today. I wasn’t going to let him. I wanted to finally meet his counselor. I wanted us to bridge this gap together, even if we learned some things about each other that were scary. I thought I would be the one who was most scared, but it turned out he was the one who was freaking out. And I mean, freaking out! He barely spoke to me all day. Was this Homecoming all over again? But surely not. It was his idea. We had just had the most perfect Prom date together. We were more in love than when we had first started dating. Or so I thought. When he met me by my locker after 7th hour, I read the worry lines in his face. Our chances of surviving this session with Rick were questionable. I knew that. But still, I would not give in. I knew this was something that was important to me. It was important to us. I gave him a cheery smile and we left the school hand in hand. The only thing he said to me on the way over was, “I’m glad you’re still coming with me”. Other than that, he listened to me talk about my day and the fight my sister was having with my mother over what she could wear to school. He listened intently, nodded when he thought he should, but I could tell he was a million miles away. I didn’t bring this up, though. I was not about to ruin my chances of meeting his counselor. Not when I was this close.

We sat in the reception area until we were called in by a middle-aged, slightly paunching man with gray/brown hair and warm eyes. He introduced himself to me by shaking my hand and saying, “Please, call me Rick”. I did the same and we were seated.

Rick started the meeting with, “I’m glad you could make it today, Tina. Chris has told me a lot about you and I’m glad we could meet.” He then coughed a couple times and waited for either Chris or me to say something. I could tell that Chris wasn’t going to start, so I replied,

“I’m glad he invited me. I know it took a lot for him to do so. In fact, Rick, he hasn’t really talked to me all day. I’m wondering” and right at that moment, Chris chose to simply walk out, saying under his breath, “I can’t do this…”. I looked at him leave the room and back at Rick, who simply smiled a fatherly smile and coughed again.

“I guess it was harder than we both thought, your coming here today”, he said thoughtfully.

“Yeh, I guess so”, I said quietly, still in shock that my boyfriend had just walked out of an appointment he wanted us to be at together.

“Rick, do you know about how he got here? I mean, about the note he left for me regarding the Homecoming date?”, I asked.

“Well, I know what he has told me. Why don’t you tell me how you experienced it?”. He looked at me with as much sympathy as I thought anyone could at this moment in time. It was easy to “spill the beans” with Rick, so to speak.

“Well, I found this note from him 6 months after he totally fucked up our Homecoming date. Oh, sorry for that”, when he waved his hand to mean, no offense taken, I continued, “The note said that on that night, the Homecoming dance night, his father had died. I think it was 8 years ago. And his Mom told him she was getting remarried. So, I guess he kind of freaked out on me. At any rate, he did a good job of pushing me away and we broke up over it. When we got back together in April, I told him he needed help and I found him your name and number.” I looked down into my lap when I was done talking. And then at the door as Chris re-entered the room. I looked into his eyes as he walked over to the seat next to me and could see he’d been crying. Now, I had only seen him cry once or twice before, but I knew the telltale signs of red puffy eyes, a reddish tint to the end of his nose and a blush to his cheeks that he had not had when we came here.

Rick smiled at Chris and said, “I’m glad you could come back.”

“Yeh, me too”, he said and then looked at me, “I’m sorry I had to leave. I really wanted you to come with me today.” I could see tears starting to form in his eyes and I choked up myself.

“Can you tell me why you had to leave?”, I asked shyly, not wanting to provoke him into leaving again.

“Tina, it’s just that I feel so overwhelmed by you. I know you’re going to laugh at that”, but I wasn’t. “I know I don’t seem that way. But I am. I don’t want to lose you. I stay up at night thinking about us. I know I’ve pushed you to go to Michigan with me, but I can’t stand to think of us apart. And now, I can tell by your face, that you are totally appalled by what I am telling you. Now, you probably want to run screaming from this room.” And with that, he started to cry again. Not loudly, just tiny tears that washed down his face. I moved over to hold his hand and took a Kleenex so that I could wipe his eyes. I couldn’t have loved him more at any point in our short-lived relationship.

All I could think to say was, “I love you Chris, and I’m not going away.” I smiled and he smiled and continued to cry. At this point, I was thinking it would be nice to hear from the counselor, so when he spoke I felt relieved.

“I think it’s apparent that you both love each other very much. And you both have some obstacles to overcome. But Chris, I don’t think Tina is going anywhere, at least not away from you. And Tina, I think Chris is very much attached to you and to making this relationship work. I don’t think he would have invited you here today, which was obviously very difficult for him to do, if he didn’t love you very much. And you wouldn’t have come if you didn’t have a lot of feeling for Chris and desire to get closer.” He then proceeded to nod his head and smile.

I spoke up next to say that I wished he and I could talk more about the way he felt overwhelmed by me. If we had any deal breaker in the room, it was this.

Chris replied, “It’s just that I know how hard you feel it is to trust me. I’m trying so hard to overcome this, but I keep thinking that I’m going to do something that you’ll be upset with. I’m trying to do everything perfectly, but I know I’m gonna fuck it up.”

“Chris, that’s crazy! You can’t possibly do everything perfectly. I don’t even want you to. I want you to be yourself. But I want you to talk to me when you are feeling this way. Like today, I didn’t have a clue what was going through your mind. I wanted to ask, but I was afraid you’d get mad at me.” And when I stopped, Rick chimed in.

“It sounds like you are both very afraid of ‘tipping over the teapot’, so to speak. So afraid of making the other one mad, that you aren’t communicating effectively.” Sounded like mumbo jumbo to me. But, what did I know?

“I’d like you to tell each other one thing each night that bugged you about the other person that day. You can’t comment on the truthfulness of it, whether it really happened or not, but you can tell each other how it makes you feel to hear it. I want you to do this for a week and then come and report back to me. Do you think you can both do this?”

We nodded our assent and he told us that was all the time we had for this session. He, once again, complimented me on being brave enough to come and to Chris, for being brave enough to bring me. He told us both that couples counseling, especially for teenagers, was not an easy thing to undertake.

When we got to the car, we sat for a while just looking at each other and holding hands.

“Do you want to talk?”, he asked me. I could tell he was both wanting to do this and also fearing what I might be wanting to talk about. I couldn’t believe how much I had learned in just one hour.

“Do you want to?”, I asked, wanting him to make that decision for us, seeing as he was the one who was still on the verge of tears.

“Yeh, let’s go get some coffee”, and he drove off holding my hand still and staring straight out the front window. When we got to the coffee house, he bought us donuts as well and found us a booth in the back where we could have some privacy. He blew his nose and doctored his coffee while I ate some of my donut. I spoke first.

“Thanks for bringing me today. I know that was hard” and I looked at him with all the love that I could possibly pour from my heart into my eyes. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do. But I also know how much you hated me after Homecoming….”

“Can we please let that go? You made a mistake and then I made a mistake. We both fucked up, Chris. And I can’t continue to berate myself or you, for that matter, forever. I need to let it go. I need us to completely forgive ourselves for it.” I looked sad and fearful. I didn’t know if he could do what I was asking.

“Ok. Yes, I can let it go. I’m trying to trust you too, you know? I’m trying to not worry when the other shoe is going to drop. God, I wish you had let me explain back then. I wish you had gotten that note back then. Then, maybe, we wouldn’t feel this way. Maybe we could have stayed together.”

“But I didn’t and you didn’t and we didn’t. I can’t help feeling that we had to go through exactly what we went through to get here.” When I looked up, he was laughing. Not raucously, but a little snicker just the same. “What could possibly be funny?”, I asked incredulously.

“Oh, I was just thinking how, of all the girls I could have met that first day, it had to be you. And I had to fall in love with you. I mean we fit so perfectly into each other’s neuroses, don’t we? I can’t trust, you can’t trust. Tina, do you think we can work through this?” and wasn’t laughing by the end of his speech. He looked like he would start crying again at the drop of a hat. I reached across and squeezed his hand.

“I know we can work this out, Chris. I know how much I love you and you love me and that’s all I need to know. Besides, there are too many things about us that work to give it some time and effort. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of me that quick.” And I smiled my brightest, most cheery smile. He grinned and took a sip of coffee. And asked me to move over next to him. I did and he kissed me long and deep with coffee on his breath and our donuts half-eaten between us.

We talked more about Rick and I told him how he smiled too much, but I thought he was right on with what he said. He agreed and said he thought he was pretty good at what he did. We agreed to tell each other one thing each night that we were unhappy with, that had happened that day. When he drove me home, we spent more time talking and kissing in his truck before I finally had to go in to have dinner. I wanted to invite him in, but he said he had to get home as his Mom was planning a “family” dinner that night. We kissed goodbye and I felt all was right with the world.

I’m glad I took her. It was hard to do, but it was a good thing too. I could tell she is starting to get me. I have a hard time letting her in. She knows this now. Shit, I just love her to smithereens! I don’t know what I would do without her. She says she loves me. I hope it’s really true. I can’t remember being this sad and this happy all at the same time. I wish I had found Rick sooner. Like before Homecoming. I hope she will continue to come see him with me.

Chapter 18 – Summer

Chris and I continued to see Rick once a week over the summer months. We also continued to tell each other our “beefs” each night. Some of them were pretty funny as we resorted to making some up just to get one in each night. We never had quite the cathartic session as that first one had been, but we learned more about each other, from seeing Rick, than we could have possibly done on our own. We teased each other that we were perhaps the first teenage couple to ever have gone for couples counseling. But, in the end, it helped us solidify our relationship before we went off to college and living together.

We got through our finals and Graduation with flying colors and enjoyed our summer vacation while we waited to hear about my loans. When the good news finally came that I had been awarded a PEL grant to cover half my tuition and Student Loans to cover the rest, Chris and I celebrated by going away for the weekend. We went to a Bed & Breakfast, without our parents’ consents, but leaving nevertheless, and had a sensuous time spent mostly in and around the bed. We took some long walks at sunrise and sunset and spent the rest of the day making love (or fucking our heads off, as Chris liked to term it). We both brought books that we never read. We had a TV in the room that we never turned on. We slept when we were spent and ate when we were hungry. It was a glorious weekend, where we talked for hours about going to Michigan, what it would be like, how we would manage not killing each other while we lived together, and various other sundry items on our “talk” list. When we came back to reality, namely our respective parent’s houses, they were upset that we had gone without their permission. But, hey, we figured if we wanted to pay for the vacation, set the whole thing up and ask nothing of their help or support, it was ours to do. We were practically emancipated. I babysat during the day to raise enough money for my extra material items. I wasn’t sure what I would need it for, but I didn’t want to be caught empty-handed, should I need money. Chris assured me that my housing, my food, gasoline (should I decide to take my car too), anything I needed from a grocery or pharmacy would be taken care of. He had money for us to eat out as often as we wanted. My books and tuition were being paid for with my grant and student loans. As he put it, I had not a care in the world. So long as I stayed with him. We talked about that with Rick, too. I was in a bind. But as Rick put it, I could always get another Student Loan to cover my room and board. And I could work/study if I needed to also.

When Chris left for the week of Football Camp up at Ann Arbor and to meet with his coaches, I cried. I knew I would miss the dickens out of him before he had gone ten miles. He assured me he would call every night. And he did. But, he was so beat from the practices and training and heat, that we barely spoke at all before he was saying he was too tired to talk. At least I knew that he wasn’t doing anything I wouldn’t do. Plus, his mother was there with him, so I knew she would keep him in line. When he came back home, he slept for a day. After that, though, he began to work out a lot more regularly. I guess they had put him through the ringer and taught him about how it was going to be when he finally got to college. He got a lot of time working out with the Quarterback, a guy named John Wangler. He said they took to each right away. John had a throwing style that worked for Chris, they were gold together. He knew the coaches had thought they would work well, but no one knew how well until he trained and practiced with him. And, of course, you didn’t really know until game day.

That summer was amazing. I got to go work out with the team’s quarterback and coaches up in Michigan. I missed Tina, but I knew it wouldn’t be forever. I worried about how it would be for us to live together. I didn’t want to worry, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t want her to depend entirely on me for all of her social needs. That summer before we left for college, though, I felt her becoming more and more attached to me. I didn’t spend much of the daytime with her, but every evening we were together. We would go to parties given by her friends, but I could tell she just wasn’t as in to them as she had once been. A couple nights a week I hung out with my old friends just to give her time to be with her girlfriends or family. But half the time, I think she just stayed by herself. I could feel the strain between us, but didn’t know how to acknowledge it or to deal with it. Maybe we just needed to get to college for a change of scenery?

As the big day to leave for college approached, my friends had parties every night. Chris and I would go, but it didn’t feel the same anymore. I was pulling away, I could tell. And my friends were seeming much more immature to me now. Chris would come with me most nights, but he didn’t want to spend all of “our” time with them either. We ended up leaving early and just making out or finding a deserted home, between his or mine, to make love in. Usually it was his room, since his parents couldn’t care less what we did in there. Especially after the B&B weekend, his Mom gave us our privacy. I still felt kind of creepy knowing she and Al were right down the hall, but it worked better than his pick-up when the hornies came over us. Something happened that summer to our lovemaking too. We learned how to lengthen the time we took to lead up to sex. Chris even slowed down his tempo so that he could last longer. He made me beg to get him to bring me over the top, he wanted to make that last too. But when I did come, it was harder, longer and deeper. I would shake with anticipation and then finally release into his mouth. No matter where we were, he would crawl up me and fuck me silly after I came. We worked on several different positions that summer. He bought the Kama Sutra and we studied. Some of them made us laugh and some made us simply want to try them out. Some were impossible, not that we didn’t try, and some were exulting. He pulled a muscle trying one position out and we decided to keep it simple from there on out. My favorite was the good ol’ missionary, his was from behind or in the shower, standing me up against the shower wall and lifting me onto his dick. But anyway we did it, we made it all about us. We kissed and cuddled and stroked and licked. He never got tired of my body, nor I of his. He gained some meat over the summer. He filled out in the chest and face. I dare say he may have even grown another inch. He was so tall, even for a girl of my height. He told me my boobs were filling out, but I knew he was just teasing. Actually it was wishful thinking on his part. As the summer wore on, I could feel him pulling away from me. He wanted to spend more time with his friends. I chalked it up to his nervousness over us living together. I didn’t worry about it because when we were together, things were great. And I reckoned that time apart was good for all couples. It gave us time to miss each other.

When it was a week away from leaving, my family started to sit me down and give me little “pep” talks. My Mom told me about being away and being myself no matter what situation I got into. She also gave me the standard “birds and bees” talk, but I told her it was way too late for that. My Dad gave me $50 in cash and told me to be his good girl. I hugged him and we cried. My little sibs all fought over who would get my room when I was gone. It was pathetic, really. I decided to take my car after all and Chris found a U-Haul that had a tow on it so we could simply tow it. He was driving his new Fiat and his parents were going to follow in his truck pulling the U-Haul. The apartment that he had picked out was furnished, but he didn’t want to use their bed set so he bought his own (with University funds, of course) and was hauling it up there along with all of our bags, bikes, and other probably non-essentials. Whatever else he needed when he got into the apartment, we would buy in Ann Arbor. As we neared the day of leaving, he became more and more reserved, but only in actually talking to me. I could tell he was anxious. I was too. His way of dealing with it was to talk as little as possible and fuck as much and for as long as possible. Of course, my way of dealing with it didn’t involve physical movement at all. I wanted to talk about it. So one night, after he had had his fill of me, or what I decided should be his fill of me, I started with, “I want to talk about why you are constantly jumping my bones.” He looked down at me and quizzically asked, “Why? Do you not want to?”.

“It’s not that. You know I love making love to you. It’s just that I can tell you are really anxious and I want to know why”, I said tenderly.

“You know why”, he said and kissed me on my nose.

“Is it because we will be living together?”, I asked.

“Partly. And partly because I know it’s going to be intense in this Football program. It’s going to be sun up to sun down. And we aren’t going to be able to see each other very much”, he ended and I got it. And then I started to feel the anxiety too. We had spent so many hours together over the summer. He had had his football camps, but except for the one in Michigan, I had seen him nearly every night starting around 4:00 pm. We were practically living together in Missouri! I had not thought about how many hours he was going to have to put in once we got to Michigan. I was glad we were getting there a week early to get settled in.

“I see what you mean”, I said forlornly, “I guess we’ll just have to find ways to adapt. But, you’re right, it’s not going to be easy” and he kissed me again. We got up then and put our clothes back on. He drove me back to my house and we kissed tenderly and sweetly before I left his truck. When I looked back at him, he was smiling, but I could see the sadness there also.

I didn’t know how I was going to manage being Michigan’s wide receiver and keeping my relationship with Tina going strong. I knew it was going to suffer. I knew she was going to be stressed by the hours I had to put in. I felt like I couldn’t get enough of her now because I knew I was going to have to give up the closeness that we had. And even though that closeness scared me at times, I still craved it. The way she made me feel was indescribable. I found my release in her. I know I used sex to relieve my tension and anxiety. I hoped she didn’t know this. I didn’t want her to feel as though I were using her, even if I was. Well, I wouldn’t really call it using. She was my relief. I’m not sure if that’s what I was to her.

When we finally left, I had my family there and some of my better girlfriends had shown up to send me off. Chris hauled my stuff onto the U-Haul and we pulled away. I started to cry thinking that things at home would never be the same. And how, if my parents knew, they would never have let me go. Maybe they did know. Maybe we all just had blinders on. I know I sure did. I wanted to think of how wonderful it would be to finally live with Chris. But deep down, I was scared shitless. I didn’t know the first thing about living with Chris. I knew he could be moody and aloof at times. I knew I could be a nagging shrew. I prayed on the way that things would work out for us. Counseling had been great, but that was behind us. Now it was time to practice in the real world.

Chapter 19 – First Semester

When we finally reached Ann Arbor, we were literally pooped. Instead of going to the apartment, we all decided to get a room at the Sheraton. The head coach had approved the expenditure and we were relieved to not have to unload everything at 10:30 at night. The ride up was seven and a half hours and that didn’t include pee stops, lunch or dinner. So, all in all we had been traveling nearly 10 hours. Chris’s new Fiat was comfortable, but not quite as roomy as his truck or his Mom’s Towncar had been. Chris and I retired with very little talk and a simple kiss goodnight. Not quite like when we came up last fall. But I was happy to just get in my skivvies and fall asleep next to him. We spooned until he moved away to sleep.

When we awoke, it was with the recognition that it was going to be a long, hard day of unloading, unpacking, cleaning, shopping, and anything else you have to do when moving into an apartment. While his stepfather and Chris unloaded the U-Haul, his Mom and I shopped. The apartment was bigger than I had imagined, from what Chris had filled me in on. It actually had a loft besides a big Master bedroom, and the living room was huge and all one big room attached to the kitchen and dining area. The school had removed the Bedroom set at Chris’s request and getting our new one in took quite some effort and time. Chris’s mom and I decided the loft could best be used as a study area, so we set off to buy a new desk and chair set, along with new towels, linens, glasses, pots and pans, and flatware. We also stopped at the grocery store to stock up the refrigerator and pantry. When we got back to the flat, we found the men watching TV and drinking a beer. There was another guy in our living room whom I had never seen before. Chris introduced John Wangler to me and I immediately put two and two together. He was tall, but not overly, with dark brown hair, bushy eyebrows and a smile that could launch a thousand ships. He was boisterous and friendly and we took to each other right away.

His Mom and I busied ourselves with washing and cleaning the rest of the day. We ordered pizza for lunch and went out to a local eatery for dinner. By the time 10:00 pm rolled around, we had our apartment stocked and ready to live in. He and Al spent most of the night putting the new desk together. Valerie and I made the bed, lined all the shelves with sticky-backed paper and ran load after load of dishes. The place even came with a new-fangled device called an Amana Radarange. Chris told me it could warm up food in seconds rather than using the conventional oven. I was skeptical at best. I thought the nicest part of the whole place was the washer and dryer situated next to the dishwasher in the kitchen. The kitchen was separated from the rest of the huge living room by just a breakfast bar. The living room had 2 love-seats and 1 big couch with a coffee table and end tables in between. It was really spacious and airy, what with the raised roof. They had provided us with a big TV and phones in each room. We liked being on the top floor so we didn’t have to hear our neighbors walk above us.

Finally, we said goodbye to his Mom and stepfather, who were going to leave at sunrise. His Mom cried when she had to finally say goodbye and Chris spent more time talking to her outside the apartment. I ran a bath for us while he was saying his final goodbyes. When the water was high enough for me, I got in and lay back to relax. I heard the front door close and waited a few minutes while Chris got undressed. When he didn’t come in after a while, I got out to see what the matter was. I found him sitting on the bed crying. I immediately wrapped my arms as far around him as they would reach and held him next to me. It didn’t take him long to wipe his tears on my towel and blow his nose on the tissue I offered. I don’t think he had ever been away from his Mom for more than that weekend when we had gone away on our B&B vacation. And it was just the two of them for so long. They had more of a bond than I did with my parents. Heck, I was happy to be out of my house and on my own. Well, mostly on my own. But, I could understand how he felt nevertheless. He kissed me sweetly and said,
“Will you take a shower with me? I’m gritty and slimy. And I just want you to hold me while we shower together for the first time in our own place.”

“I would love to take a shower with you, Mr. McIntyre. Nothing would give me more joy than that right now.” And I smiled a great big smile for him. I was so happy to be here with him, my heart was just brimming.

We washed each other and then stood there simply holding each other under the spray. Usually, this would be a great opportunity for him to hold me up while he rammed his cock up into me, but tonight we were both just too tired and drained from the whole “moving in” experience. He promised me he would have his mojo back by tomorrow. I told him not to feel rushed.

We fell asleep spooning each other that night too. Once, I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and he was lying on his back snoring lightly, as he always did. I got back in bed and just watched him by the light of the digital clock. He was beautiful in repose. His long strawberry hair fell all over the pillow and his chest moved up and down as he breathed regularly. I felt so happy to be his girlfriend. I knew there were times when I hadn’t or wouldn’t always feel this close to him, but I was glad I did now.

When he woke up, he pulled me to him and woke me up by kissing my shoulders, then my collarbone, and then he pulled my nightshirt over my head so he could kiss my breasts. He licked and nibbled here and there and finally did what I needed, to bring me to full wakefulness. He reached down into my panties and fingered my clit while he sucked on my nipples. He couldn’t decide which one needed his attention more, so he pulled my breasts together and licked them both at the same time. I found this funny and laughed, but he wasn’t in that mood at all. He worked his way down and licked every inch of me along the way. He pulled off my underpants once he got down to my triangular patch, so that he could lick and suck on me until I begged him to stop. Then he laughed. And kept on flicking his tongue on my clit until I cried. Well, fake crying, but still. And of course, he pulled himself back up the bed and over me so that we could fuck and make him come like he had done to me. He was working so feverishly at trying to take it slower these days. But, no matter how slow he started, he couldn’t help but rip away at me when he came close to coming. I smiled up at seeing his face contorted, his eyes squeezed shut and his back arched as he blew his load inside me. He shuddered that cute little shudder of his when he was at the peak of his orgasm. And then, boom, he’d flop down on me so hard, I’m sure the mattress sagged under our weight (well, really his weight). After he regained consciousness, he would roll off of me to allow me to breath again and I would roll with him so that he was still inside me and we were facing each other. Sometimes, when he had caught his breath and got his momentum back, we’d start all over from this side-to-side position. He’d crane his neck down to start sucking on me once again and that was all she wrote! We’d make love on our sides, with him pulling on my nipples and me flicking his with my fingers. We’d kiss as he pumped me over and over and eventually, we’d move to him on top of me, so that my leg underneath him did not go to sleep entirely. We ended up, that morning, making love 7 times before we were sated and hungry. Well, I was spent after 5 times, but Chris always did have a bigger appetite than me. Those last two forays of the morning were spent in the shower before and after cleaning ourselves thoroughly. I loved him making a show of how strong he was. Especially now, after spending an entire summer of working out, training and practicing, Chris was even more beefy than when I met him.

We got to campus a week before classes started because not only did we need to register for classes, but he needed to check in that week with Coach Bo. After those first 3 days of co-habitual bliss, I was to lose Chris to the football program. I knew that’s what he had come to Michigan for, but the reality of how it would affect me and us wouldn’t sink in until the time came for him to begin. We found the classes we would take. I signed up for 15 hours, typical Freshman fare, but he was only allowed to take 12, with Football accounting for the last 3 hours. His “tutor” arrived on Monday to introduce himself. I thought this was hysterical seeing that Chris had been an Honors student at Ladue High. But, I later found out that he was mostly there to make sure Chris was keeping up in his studies and to do the homework/papers for him if need be. In retrospect, it was a good idea seeing as to how that first Semester went. Unfortunately, Chris and I had no classes together. I took Advanced Calculus, Chemistry and Lab, Psychology 101, and English Literature, a well rounded group of courses. Chris, on the other hand, took Rocks for Jocks (Geology 101), Advanced Algebra (even though he didn’t need this as he had passed his AP Calc exam), Fitness in Education, and Sociology 101. I was understandably upset when he came back with his list of courses and none of them fit mine. One of the things I most enjoyed with Chris was studying the same courses together. When I confronted him, he just shrugged and said, “Hey, that’s what they gave me. I didn’t even get to pick out my coursework.”

“Aren’t you upset by that? I mean did you want to take ‘Rocks for Jocks’?” and looked at him with as much scorn as I could muster.

“Well, not really, but I’m figuring they want to keep my coursework to a minimum this first semester. I’m going to be busy enough with Football, I don’t know how much time I’ll have for studying even.” He didn’t seem as upset by it all as I was. I could see the writing on the wall. This was truly the beginning of the end. The fourth day we were there, Chris left at sun-up to train before it got hot and then practice the rest of the day. When we finally started classes, he would get up before the sun, train in the morning, go to classes (which were all picked so that he could train and practice before and right after classes), then meet the team on the practice fields and work out until sundown. When the team finally took their showers around 8:00 pm, then someone or other would invite a bunch of them over to his apartment to watch TV, drink beers, and talk bullshit for the rest of the night. By the time Chris got home to me, it was after 10:00 pm, I was beat, he was beat (and often tipsy) and we would fall down in bed too tired to do anything but sleep. Occasionally we would have sex, but I wouldn’t dare call it making love. He would hump me from behind or on top, roll over and fall asleep. Great!

I went to class and met a few people, but because I didn’t live in the dorms, I wasn’t invited to parties or even to study. I kept the apartment together, did our laundry, cooked meals for mostly myself (although they would be conspicuously gone in the morning when I went to look for my leftovers for breakfast), grocery shopped and generally lived the life of a hermit. I was getting all A’s and falling into a depression. Chris was too busy to even notice what was happening to me. He seemed like he was having the time of his life. When the first Saturday game rolled around, we were all psyched. He was nervous and wanted to have sex that morning, but his Coach had said no sex before the big games! I told him where they had gotten me seats and his Mom would be there with Al to watch too. I had never been so happy to see anyone in my entire life! When Valerie and Al showed up I hugged them for a long time. We watched from great 40-yard-line seats and thrilled at Chris as he led us to a 17-10 victory over Northwestern. We could see that familiar red-head under the helmet streaking down the field to score 2 touchdowns. After each score, he looked up to see if he could see us. I smiled and jumped up and down. He waved and smiled back. I could tell he was loving it.

After the game, we all went out to that same great Steak place that we had eaten at when we visited last October. Chris regaled us with stories about the game and told his Mom and Al all about practices and his teammates. Heck, they knew more than I did when we finally said our goodnights. Chris gave his Mom a big hug goodbye as she had to get home in time to get her regular sleep Sunday night. He wasn’t as distraught this time over her leaving. She and Al had promised to come up for the Homecoming game. When they left and Chris and I were left alone finally, I was seething. I couldn’t believe how forthcoming he had been with them, but I never heard anything from him about how the program was going or who he hung out with. I hadn’t even had a Saturday night out with him since we arrived. It had only been a few weeks, but I was already jealous. The only teammate I had met was the quarterback, John Wangler, and very briefly one night, his girlfriend, Bridget. They lived right across the hall from us. Well, at least John did. I wasn’t sure if Bridget lived there or not. John was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong. He always offered to carry up my groceries if he saw me coming. I could go to his apartment if I ran out of something (not that he would necessarily have it, but he’d look and see for me). And he was a Senior, so he knew all about the Football program and what Chris could expect. He would talk to me at times to help me understand what it was that Chris was going through. It helped some, but it didn’t take away the fact that I was lonely. And John was gone as much as Chris was, even if he was the one having guys over each night more than the others. I asked Chris if any girls were invited to these evening soirées, but he would just shrug and say “not really”.

Chapter 20 – Brad Bates and Me

There was another football player that I got to know in a roundabout kind of way. Brad Bates, a defensive back, was in my English Lit class. He didn’t realize I was Chris’s girlfriend until he asked one day if I would like to study for an upcoming exam.

I said, narrowing my eyes at him, “Aren’t you Brad Bates?”

“Yes, and you are Tina Taylor?”, he asked back, looking amused and stupefied. He knew my name, he didn’t have to ask.

“Yes, I am. I know you. My boyfriend is Chris McIntyre. You play Football with him.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you two were dating. I don’t remember him mentioning anything about having a girlfriend.” He was clearly teasing me. And it didn’t surprise me that Chris wasn’t telling anyone he had a girlfriend as possessive as he could be.

I retorted, “Well, he does. And I’m it. And yes, I would like studying with someone. I’ve pretty much been shunned by the rest of the class since I don’t live in a dorm.”

“And why is it that you don’t live in a dorm? Are you in a Sorority? I thought you were a Freshman?”, he asked in rapid succession as he continued to smile at me.

“I live with Chris”, I said under my breath. I guess he was keeping this under wraps too. I never did understand if this was a part of his deal that shouldn’t be talked about or if he was just plain secretive, but only John knew that I lived where I did.

“I see”, Brad said quietly, still eying me intently, “Well would you like to meet at the library or we could go to my room, or your apartment. Anywhere would be fine by me.” He smiled this million dollar smile.

Brad was classically beautiful. He had sandy blond hair, was a bit over 6′ tall, was full, but not too full, actually filled out in all the right ways, and a smile that made a girl feel she was the only one in the room he had eyes for. I knew he was trouble the first time I saw him. All the girls in class wanted to sit next to him. The question I couldn’t get out of my mind was “Why me?”. I wasn’t the prettiest, by far. I knew I had nice attributes, but there were gorgeous blonds in that class who tried to talk to him before and after class. I was quiet, kept to myself, and took no interest in him whatsoever. Actually, that was probably it right there.

“The library would be great. How about after practice tonight? Or are you going to one of the all-night parties that they throw after practice?”, I said sarcastically.

“No, those are only for the starters. I don’t get asked to those very often. I tend to study too much for most of the football team to have much to do with me.”, he said in his typical bemused fashion. “I’ll see you around 8:30 tonight then”. He smiled and, when I nodded my head, walked off. I had completely forgotten that I had Chemistry Lab directly after English Lit. I was late and my lab partner was mad.

Brad and I met to study at the library that night and every night that week. We found a quiet area off the stacks and drilled each other on the books we were studying in class. And we talked. He told me all about how Chris was doing, all the things I had wanted to ask, but either didn’t have the gumption to or got just a grunt from Chris when I did. After the first week, I had stopped asking questions all together. Brad told me what it was like to be on the Football team, especially from the perspective of someone who mainly sat on the bench. And when he talked, I could do nothing but listen intently. Not only because he was lovely looking, but also because he mesmerized me with his take on things. He made me laugh and think, I giggled and got “shhh”ed a lot by the other students around us. When that happened, we would walk around to find an even more secluded spot to talk and study in. One night, when we were walking through the stacks, Brad pulled me back to him, turned me around and kissed me. It was brief, but long enough for him to swirl his tongue around mine. I pulled away from him and he smiled down at me. And then I leaned back into him and reached up to pull him down to me again. This time, we kissed for a good long minute and he pulled me to him in a passionate embrace. He rubbed my back and sides and I felt his chest move over mine as he breathed deeply and kissed me even more deeply. When we came up for air, I pushed him away, turned around and stood there panting. I couldn’t believe what I had done! And more so, I couldn’t believe that I wanted to do it again. I looked back at him and he was standing next to me grinning.

“That was nice”, he said quietly, reaching for my waist to pull me back to him. I stepped out of his reach and said, “Yeh. Nice enough that we probably shouldn’t let it happen again.”

“Why not?”, he asked, looking like he truthfully did not know.

“Umm, have you forgotten about my boyfriend?”, I asked, eyebrows furrowed, look of shock upon my face.

“Yes, actually. Haven’t you?”, he said as he smiled beguilingly.

“Well, no! I haven’t. Look, that was a mistake…” and before I could get another word in, he interrupted me to say, “No, it wasn’t. Not by the way you made me feel as you were kissing me. I don’t know about you, but I don’t start getting hard on the first kiss usually. And you and I are definitely hard.” He looked at my tits, which embarrassingly had two little points where my nipples were. I couldn’t help but look down at his fly which was bulging.

He continued, “Now the way I see it, we have a couple of options. You can come back to my room and we can play this out, or we can decide here and now never to see each other again. But I’ve got my money on us, Tina. I think you want to see how good we can be together.” He grinned that same lascivious grin that I saw guys do to women they wanted to lay. I ran straight out of that stack and didn’t look back until I was situated on a bus seat headed towards my apartment. That guy scared me. Not because I was so attracted to him I thought I might actually cheat on Chris, but because I had cheated on Chris with him and wanted more. I know, just a little kiss. Not just a little kiss. A great big, wet, making us hard, “I want you to fuck me” kiss. And he knew it.

When I got back to my apartment, Chris was thankfully still out. As much as I hated him being gone, this was one night that I was glad of it. When he finally got back home, I faked being asleep just so I didn’t have to lie any further about where I had been and what I have been doing. Not that he would necessarily ask me. Half the time, he didn’t. I didn’t ask him either.

The next two games that they played, they lost. If I thought Chris had been sullen before, there was nothing to compare to how he was now. I saw even less of him as now he practiced on Sundays also. Not that he had to, just that he chose to. The losses were not his fault at all. He still scored touchdowns like they were going out of style. It’s just that the other teams scored a couple more points. Coach Bo wasn’t worried, but Chris sure was. He had come to play for a winning team and felt that, if they didn’t win, it was somehow his fault. John and I talked about the stress Chris was putting himself through. He listened to me as I told him how Chris was completely shutting me out. How I had seen this in him once before and it spelled trouble for our relationship. I even talked to him about the possibility of Chris seeing a counselor. I didn’t mention that he had seen one in St. Louis or that we had gone together, but John knew that things were not good and promised to talk to Chris about it.

In the meantime, I was trying my darnedest to ignore Brad Bates in class. He was trying his best to make me notice him. I had to get there at the very last second before class began just to have him not sit next to me. And if he did find his way next to my seat, I was lost for the entire class. I couldn’t concentrate around him. He would look at me, touch me and confound me in any way he could find. He’d tell me he wanted to meet me in the stacks. I wouldn’t go. He would tell me he was going to come over to my place. I’d make sure I was gone to the library. One night, when I was studying at home, I heard the doorbell ring. I didn’t think anything of it as John often came over to ask for something or just talk. But when I got the door, I remembered just as it was too late, that the guys were all over at John’s apartment tonight. When I opened the door, a big bouquet of flowers greeted me. Brad pulled them down, away from his face, as he had been shielding himself, and smiled that million dollar smile. I told him to go away and take the flowers with him. I looked around to make sure no one else saw him and he took that opportunity to step into the apartment.

“You need to leave, Brad. I don’t know when Chris is getting home, but if he sees you here, he’ll have a fit”, I said nervously.

“Don’t worry about Chris”, he said as he moved towards me, “he’s drowning his sorrows over at John’s. He’s not going anywhere for a while”, and he smiled like he had done his homework. It was only 8:45. I knew what he said was true. But his being here was making my heart race and I didn’t want to feel this way.

“I can’t do this with you. You know that. I made it abundantly clear that night in the stacks”, I quietly stated, trying to look my most serious.

“What I know, Tina, is that I can’t forget that night in the stacks. You and I have something and I think you know it too.” And he started to move towards me as I continued to move away. I shook my head and turned around, away from him. He was right. I knew he was right, but that didn’t give us permission to be fooling around. The problem was, I was so lonely. If Chris and I had been relating to each other like we did this past summer or even when we first arrived at Michigan, Brad would have never even had a chance. But, the fact that Chris and I were practically estranged from each other, gave Brad that inch of a possibility to creep into my life. And he wasn’t creeping, he was marching.

He came up behind me and kissed me on the side of my neck. “I want you more than you’ll ever know. And I think you want me too. Why can’t we give this a try? Let me show you how a true boyfriend takes care of his girl. God, Tina, let me make love to you like there is no fucking football, like you deserve. I want you so bad”, and with that he picked me up and carried me to my bedroom. He laid me down on the bed and started to undress me while he kissed me over and over. Then he undressed himself and finger fucked me while he licked my nipples to hardness. After he made sure I was good and wet, he crammed his big, thick dick up my vagina and rode me until completion. As he was jamming me full of his cock, he moaned and groaned how good it was, how fucking sweet I was. And as for me? I let him go to town on me and I didn’t once say a word. I don’t know if it was just because I was so scared that Chris would walk in any moment or that I just didn’t feel what he was feeling. But I was probably the worst lay he’d ever had. Heck, I was the worst lay I’d ever had! When he was done, he rolled over and out of me. I shot up off of the bed and went to the bathroom. I went pee and let him drip out of me and then realized, he hadn’t even asked me about birth control! And he surely hadn’t thought to use his own. What a schmuck! I put on my robe in the bathroom and went back out to the bedroom to see him getting dressed. When I came out, he smiled at me.

“I think it’s really time to leave now”, I said and his smile went away.

“When can I see you again?”, he asked, somewhat pleadingly.

“I don’t know. Just please, go away before Chris gets back.”, I pleaded this time. He got up and I escorted him to the door. As I opened it up for him, Chris barreled through the door, a little tipsy and laughing at something someone out in the hall had said. He immediately saw that Brad Bates was coming through his door and put a hand on his shoulder. He was about to punch Brad in the shoulder like one brother to another, when he saw the flowers sitting on the end table by the couch. Brad left and I closed the door before Chris could make heads or tails of anything. But it didn’t take Chris long to figure out a few things. Flowers in my living room. Brad Bates leaving with a bit of a scowl on his face. Tina in her robe, looking sad and anxious.

“What the fuck was Brad in our apartment for?”, he demanded.

“We were studying English Lit together. He has the same teacher as I do.” I lied. God, I did not want the “show” that was about to happen, happen.

“And how did we get those flowers?”, he asked, and I could tell he was putting two and two together faster than I can type these words.

“He brought them for me”, I answered belligerently.

“Okay, okay….and why is Brad Bates bringing my girlfriend flowers for studying?”, his voice was getting louder by the second.

“Well I guess, Chris, because he finds me attractive. And nice. And because he would like to date me”, I retorted.

“And just one more question. Why are you in your robe if you were ‘studying’?” and he quoted this last word with his two hands raised up, and two fingers from both hands in quote signs.

I was surly in my last answer to him. I was done playing around. He might as well know the whole bloody truth. “Because, Chris, we were fucking our brains out right before you got here! Is that what you wanted to know?” I yelled as he looked at me with more shock and anger than I had ever seen on his face. And at that moment, when I thought he could not be more shocked nor more angry, he wheeled around and ran out the door of his apartment to go find Brad. I wasn’t there to witness it, but I was told that when he did find Brad, they had a fistfight so vicious as to have the entire school talking about it. And this was a BIG school. Okay, that might have been an exaggeration, but I do know that the entire team was talking about it.

I didn’t see Brad, but if he was even half as bad as Chris, he was in a bad way. Chris came back via the local Hospital. He had several bruised ribs, a broken nose, a split lip, a lot of facial and body bruising and they weren’t sure if he had internal bleeding so they kept him overnight for observation. I went to the Hospital when John came and told me that’s where they had taken him. I didn’t know where Brad was and I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I never saw him again. I stayed in Chris’s room through the night. When he woke up, I started crying to see how much pain he was in. They kept him doped up on pain meds, but I could tell he was hurting. Maybe not physically, but mentally he was a wreck. His coaches came to see him that next day, mainly to chastise him for being so stupid. He was suspended for a week (which really wasn’t that much considering he couldn’t train or practice for at least that long anyway). His Mom called him a couple times that day and I could hear his side saying, “No Mom. I don’t want you to come up here. I’ll be fine. It was just a fight…” on and on, ad nauseum. I stayed with him even though he didn’t want to even look at me. I helped John and a couple others get him into our apartment. I made his meals and sponge-bathed him, as much as he would allow me to. I helped him change from sweats to Pjs to sweats again. And I administered his pain meds, worried that he would give himself too much or too little, depending on his mood. When I wasn’t taking care of him, I was crying. I cried over what I had done. I cried over what he had done in response. I cried over the instability of our relationship. I cried over the fact that I had had sex with someone besides the man I loved more than anything. What a bad choice I had made.

A few days after Chris returned from the Hospital, he resumed his classes and going to practices even if he couldn’t do anything but sit by the sidelines. I think that was his worst punishment. Chris could never have been on a team and not played. He just didn’t have it in him to just sit there and watch. It was painful to him. Finally, a week after the incident had taken place, we talked.

“I want to know why”, he began with. I knew immediately what he was referring to.

“I suppose because I missed you, to tell the truth”, I said clearly.

“How could you miss me, I was right here”, he said, beginning to raise his voice.

“You were no where near me”, I said softly, hoping he would calm down, or at least not escalate.

He scratched his raggedy reddish hair and squinched his eyes. “I loved you all the same”, he said calmly.

“And sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Do you know how much I’ve seen of you in the past 2 months? Ever since you started football, I see you an hour a day. And then, even on weekends you aren’t here. You go out to these Football dinners and you don’t take me. And you cannot tell me that there aren’t other girls there. I know there are. I know there are other girls even on your weeknight ‘parties’. I haven’t said anything because I figured if you don’t want me there, you must have your reasons. You know me, Chris, I don’t want to be anywhere where I’m not wanted.”

“But why Brad? What does he have that I don’t? Haven’t we been together too long for you to do something like this to us?”, and he truly looked sad.

“Because Brad gave me time. He gave me attention. He even started to convince me that he and I were a better fit than you and I”, I replied and looked away. I was ashamed of my behavior, but at the same time I understood how I had gotten there.

Chris sighed and said, “Look at me” and I did. “I don’t want us to go down this road again. We’ve come too far for us to break up over some dumb asshole. I want to know what I have to do to keep you happy. I don’t want you to stay here unhappy. If I can do something, change myself in some way that makes you happy, I’m willing to try.”

“Fine, Chris. I do have some things on my mind that I think we could change. For starters, I don’t think you need to go out after practice every single night of the week. You say that other girls aren’t there, fine. But I just don’t think you need to accept their invitations every single night. Secondly, these Saturday night dinners. I do know of other girls who have gone to them. I’d like you to take me. How am I ever going to get to know your friends if I’m not around them?” I ended my diatribe searching his face for some glimpse of how he felt about what I had just said.

Chris nodded and said, “You’re right. You should come with me on Saturday nights. And I don’t have to go every single weekday post-game ‘breakdown’. Tina, I’ve been going to those because it’s hard being the only Freshman starter. I felt like I needed to get to know these guys and that I couldn’t turn down their invitations. It isn’t like it was in High School. These guys are huge and they’re trying to kill me out there. And I know they’re doing it for my benefit, but still, it’s a lot to take on. Now I know why there are no other Freshman starters. It’s tough and intimidating to say the least. I’m sorry I’ve been leaving you behind and taking you for granted. I really did not mean to. I just didn’t think you’d want to go to the football functions with me. I thought you were making friends of your own.”

I interrupted, “How was I supposed to make friends of my own? I don’t live in a dorm, I’m not rushing a Sorority.”

“Why aren’t you going to join a Sorority? I thought that would be perfect for you. You used to have a bunch of girlfriends. I thought you’d want to have that again.”

I breathed out and said, “I’m not joining a Sorority, you knucklehead, because I would have to live there next year.”

Chris simply said, “Oh.”

“Yeh, oh. Do you want me to live in a Sorority next year? Cause if that’s what you want, then I’ll try to scrape the money together to do that. I’ll start working…”, but before I could get anymore out, Chris edged in with “No! I don’t want you to live anywhere but here. I guess I didn’t realize you had to live there. I thought that was just an optional thing.”

“No, Chris, it isn’t. You know, I was always the one with all the friends. And now it’s you. And I’m so lonely, I could cry most nights. And do. When Brad took notice of me, I guess I just thought it was nice to finally have someone to talk to. And it isn’t like I haven’t tried to make friends. God, you wouldn’t think it would be that difficult. But, I don’t live in the dorms. I’m not around other people except in classes. I don’t expect you to be my only contact with the outside world, but sometimes it feels like you are.” I started to cry and Chris came over to put his arms around me. I couldn’t hug him back as his ribs were still hurting him something fierce. I let him rub my back and kiss my cheek where the tears were falling.

He said softly into my ear, “Let’s see if we can’t work on finding you some other gals to play with” and I laughed at how funny this sounded.

“Ok”, I squeaked and we both laughed. Only this hurt him too much, so we went to our bed so he could lie down. I brought him his pain medication and he said, “How ’bout I stay home on Sunday, Wednesday and Friday? Would that be good? And you can come out with me on Saturday nights. You might even meet some other girlfriends at these dinners. I’m sorry I didn’t think of this sooner. I didn’t think you’d really like being around a bunch of dogs.”

I smiled and said, “Well, I’m living with the top dog, so I can probably navigate pretty well for myself, don’t ya think?”

“Yeh, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.” And he pulled me in to kiss him on the lips, only I was too afraid of leaning on him and hurting him that I held back. But later, when we were getting ready for bed, I went down on him and gave him the best fellatio of his life. And even let him hold my head and push up into my mouth when he was getting close to coming. He loved it, the deeper the better. When he came, I swallowed every last drop. He wanted to go down on me, but I refused. There was just no way to do this without him possibly getting re-hurt. It took 3 more weeks for him to heal . He missed 3 games because the coaches weren’t about to let him get even more banged up. He went around in a bad mood, but eventually got back into the game and stopped taking his anger out on the TV set and the walls.

Chapter 21 – Bridget and Alpha Chi Omega

One night, a few nights after Chris and I had had our conversation about what I needed to stay with him, I heard a knock on my door. I was waiting for Chris to get home and in the middle of making a tray of enchiladas for his and my late dinner. The sound made me jump as we very rarely had anyone come to our door. After the fight between Brad and Chris, he had never come around again. From what I heard, Brad had been pretty much ostracized for sleeping with the girlfriend of one of the starters. The football team was a Fraternity of sorts and the top dogs, or starters, really watched out for each other. Not only did Chris massacre him the night of the fight, but Brad had been the brunt of many malicious jokes and stunts. So, not only did he not come around, he didn’t speak to me in class either. Not that I was upset by this. I was actually relieved to find I didn’t have to fend off his advances anymore.

So, when there was a knock at my door, I was stunned at first. I opened the door to find a pretty blond girl standing there. I had seen her around, but I couldn’t place who she was exactly. She introduced herself as Bridget, John Wangler’s girlfriend and I invited her in. I told her I was Tina, Chris’s girlfriend and she said she knew already. We smiled and I asked her if she would like to talk while I made my enchilada dinner. I got her a soda and some ice water for myself and we talked while I worked. Turned out that John had asked her to talk to me about what it was like to be the girlfriend of a starter. And, not just any starter, but someone who was probably going to be famous. She said, he was worried about me. That’s how John was towards me and Chris. Kinda our big brother. I asked her where she lived and she told me the Alpha Chi Omega house. I asked her about that and she told me all about rushing, living with a big group of girls, and even how she didn’t hardly see John first semester at all. We talked about how that felt. I told her how Chris had wanted me to join a Sorority, but that I didn’t want to live there. I explained why I was living with Chris and we talked about the pros and cons of doing what we were doing. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to live with him. We talked about off season, football functions and how she didn’t know what was going to happen after John graduated.

When Chris finally got home that night after practice, he gave Bridget a big “Hi” and sniffed the air with great expectations. He loved my cooking and my enchiladas in particular. While he showered and changed, she and I made a date to go out for lunch next week. I told her that I would be at Saturday’s Football dinner and she said she’d see me there too. I felt so happy, I couldn’t remember being this happy at Michigan. I really did need to make some girlfriends. Chris was great, I couldn’t dream up a better guy to be with, but the friendship of a girl was by far the best gift in the world. That night, I talked Chris’s ear off with my meeting Bridget. He smiled and I knew he had talked with John about us meeting each other. I slept better that night than I had in a month of Sundays.

The Saturday dinner went great. It was just for the starters and their girlfriends and only about eight of them showed up with dates. I sat next to and talked to Bridget the whole time. We laughed as we exchanged stories about our respective guys and their stupid antics. By the time Chris dragged me out of the restaurant, Bridget and I had cemented our friendship. That night he and I made love for the first time since the “fight” I was worried the entire time, but we did it with him behind me so there was no way for him to get hurt. I can’t say it was the best sex we had ever had, but he was so hot for me, it made up for my trepidation. After he came, he flipped me over onto my back so he could put his head between my legs and lick me into oblivion. It was impossible to not let go of my worries and when I came, it was long and fulfilling. And he loved making me come. It was our first sex since making up and we languished in each others arms for a long time afterwards. He was healing quickly. Couldn’t wait until he was cleared to play ball. He was practicing and training daily.

The two games he had missed, Michigan won, which didn’t help his anger at not having been the one to win the games for his home. The first game they let him back on the field for, was an away game and they smashed Minnesota 37-14. Chris was responsible for scoring 5 touchdowns and showed everybody that he was back in championship form. I wasn’t at that game, as I didn’t go to the away games, but he called me after the game and we talked for an hour. He rattled on and on about the great plays of the game and I listened intently, congratulating him at key intervals so he knew I was listening. He was so high after that game, I thought it would take a week for him to calm down. When I met him at the campus bus terminal, he picked me up and swung me around and around. I was so happy to see him this happy. He was just happy to see me. We made love that night until 4 in the morning. He was insatiable and I was tired! But every time he pulled me to him to begin again, I acquiesced and leaned into his hard body. I couldn’t get enough of him either, but it wasn’t about sex at all. I was just so happy to be back in each other’s good graces and to spend time with him.

When he wasn’t around, I spent time with Bridget at Alpha Chi O’s house and at my apartment. We had a lot in common and would talk for hours about being with our guys, having them be celebrities on campus, the formals they took us to, and other girls in her house. She was such a gabber, loved to talk and schmooze about other people and their lives. I loved listening to her. And telling her about my life with Chris. She was great at giving out advice, asked for or not. She really did understand what it was like to be me. And she knew how it was for me when I would ask her to leave when Chris got home. Most girls would have been taken aback by this, but she knew how much I missed him when we were apart. I had a great time with Bridget and her sisters, but my first and foremost delight in life was being with Chris.

He and I were maturing in our way of being together. Back in high school, it was all about where and when we could find to fuck. That was our main goal, our main topic of conversation. And it always seemed like we couldn’t get enough of each other. Here, in our apartment, we didn’t have to worry about those two factors. We made love when we both felt like it (which was usually at least once a day) and had plenty of time left over to talk, study and eat together. He loved my cooking and, as much as he appreciated it, I wanted to do it all the more. Our typical day together consisted of his getting home around 8:30, us eating together and then studying or watching TV. When we finally went to bed, around 11:00, we would shower and have sex either in the shower or beforehand on the bed. He was still the main instigator of our sex life. I think we both accepted this, even if it was a non-verbal sort of agreement. My way of initiating sex was to take off all my clothes and wait for him to come find me. And that was all she wrote! Once he saw me lying on the bed naked, 99% of the time he would disrobe so fast, I thought he was going to fall over himself doing so. His favorite pastime on me was still to lick and suck on my nipples while I pulled and stroked on his dick. He could only maintain this for a short period of time before he had to stuff himself into my tight, wet cunt. And fill me up, he did. He was so big, so swollen by the time he came inside me, I could feel him all around the sides of my vagina. I would feel him start to throb and then he would do that total body shudder that always made me smile. He was more fit during this football season than I had ever seen him before. He could make love for hours on end without getting out of wind. I tried to keep up with him by running around sunset every evening, but I was in no way the shape that he was. He didn’t mind, he told me. He liked my softness and curves.

On Saturday nights, when he was not at an away game, we went to the Football dinners together. He introduced me to the guys that he was best friends with. John, the quarterback, I already knew. And I was glad that Bridget came to these also, as I would have been bored without her. But I also met Alan, Bubba, George, Kurt and Norm, other offensive starters. I met some defensive starters, but couldn’t keep their names straight. He was mostly friendly with the offensive team anyway. He didn’t like the running backs, Stan, Butch and Larry, because they wanted to steal his show away from him. And really, that side of the football team showed less finesse anyway. John was a passer, Chris the receiver. The two of them could not be beat. Coach Bo attended most of these dinners and we even had some nice conversations over the years, but as a Freshman, he could have cared less about me. He knew that Chris needed me here and that was all he cared about. Keep his star Wide Receiver happy. Great. But the meals were always very gourmet, the wine was served endlessly and Chris was finally happy to show me off and share the evening with me.

The next 5 games were lessons in misery for the other teams. Three of them were shutouts. The only game worth mentioning was the one against Ohio State, our arch nemesis. This was an away game, but Bridge and I watched it on TV as it was being picked up by NBC. It was arduous and long, and in the end, the score was only 9-3. Chris scored the only touchdown of the game and I knew he would be very frustrated that there weren’t more opportunities for him. Each teams defensive sides were masters at keeping the other at bay. Ohio State scored their only field goal in the last 5 seconds. I wish I had been there to cheer them on and to pick up the pieces when it was all over. Chris called me that night, completely bummed at how the game had gone, but glad it was over and they had landed on the victorious side. They got back to town at 3:00 am and I was there to meet him as usual. I hugged him and he picked me up to twirl me around. We went to bed that night around 5:00 am and didn’t wake the next day until noon. And, as usual on Sunday, I made us brunch, we studied and made love off an on during the day. I was glad that regular season play was over. Now, we just had to wait to hear about what Bowl we would be going to. Chris was hoping for either the Rose or Sugar. He pushed and pushed and I finally agreed to go to the bowl if he put me up in a nice hotel and took me out to eat afterwards. He smiled and then kissed me long and passionately. He was thrilled that I would actually come see him play in his first Bowl. That night we heard from John that Michigan would be playing against Washington in the Rose Bowl. Chris was ecstatic, to say the least.

Chapter 22 – Rose Bowl

The coach let the guys have a week off to recuperate and blow off some steam. Then he resumed practices and training more intensively than ever. Chris didn’t get home until 9:00 pm every night and Saturday dinners were done. But, at least he didn’t go out anymore after practices. He came straight home to dinner and bed. He took his finals and passed them, which I think was just amazing considering how little homework or studying he had done all semester. I told my family that I was going to stay in Michigan until the time came for us to fly out to Pasadena, CA. They weren’t overjoyed that I would be missing Christmas or that I hadn’t even been home since school began, but they couldn’t change my mind. Chris bought me my round-trip airfare with his own money, which was probably just football money anyway, and I wasn’t going to let him down. Plus, I wanted to stay in Michigan with him over the Holidays. We celebrated Christmas together by going out to a fancy restaurant and then exchanging presents at home. He gave me a heart-shaped pendant made entirely out of diamonds. It was absolutely gorgeous. I gave him a new wallet, some Albums he had been looking at one day in the local record store, and gold football bookends. I couldn’t afford much, but I had put a lot of thought into my presents to him. He loved each and every one of them. We spent the rest of the day watching football and making love in various places around the apartment.

Chris got me my ticket to go to Pasadena, but I couldn’t sit with him. In fact, I got a flight out an hour later than his. When I got there, I went to our hotel room and checked in. He had to stay with his football team in another set of rooms, but he sneaked out during the night to come say “goodnight” to me. And you can only imagine what “goodnight” entailed. He was there servicing himself and me for 3 hours. He had more energy than any one man should ever be blessed with. He just kept wanting to fuck me, even after he was unable to come anymore. And then he insisted on chomping down on my clit until I was raw and red. I told him he was just nervous. He said, “Ya think?” and then came after me again. When he finally went back to his room to sleep, I was worn out in more ways than I care to recount. But, it was a good worn out. I slept until 11:00 am and had to quickly get a move on if I didn’t want to be late for the game. Game time was 1:00 pm and my seats were smack dab on the 50-yard-line. His Mom and Stepfather were there when I finally found my seats. We hugged, said our Merry Christmases, and settled in for what turned out to be a great Michigan win. Chris scored 18 out of the 23 points that Michigan scored. Washington looked like complete boobs with only 6 points, two field goals to their credit. We went down to the field to hug Chris after the game and saw him for a minute before the press was all over him. He was the Most Valuable Player of the Rose Bowl and was up for All-American. He had already been given MVP for Michigan that year, which was a huge honor considering he had 3 more years to go. When we met up again, he was knocking on my door to take me to the Rose Ball. I had brought a floor-length silver lamme gown and was wearing his present to me around my neck. I looked like a million bucks, even if I do say so myself.

I hugged him for as long as he would allow me to. I was so proud of him. I couldn’t remember feeling more proud of any one person in my life. He had set out to be the best and he had made it. We kissed while I held him and he whispered how much he loved me into my ear once our lips let go. When I got done checking my makeup, we went to pick up Valerie and Al in their room so that we could all go in one taxi to the Rose Ball. It was being held in the downtown Hyatt in their ballroom. I was glad to see Bridget when she came in with John. I knew she’d be here, but it was still a relief to get to talk to her. She was tearful throughout the ceremony and dinner as John would be graduating and this would be his last year playing college ball. When I looked over at John, I could see he was somber, but he was enjoying himself nevertheless. That was just how John was. He didn’t begrudge others their stardom and he didn’t worry about the future. I knew he would be fine. I was more worried about Bridget. I asked her to go to the bathroom with me and we sneaked out during someone’s speech.

When we got there, I asked her, “Okay. What’s really going on?”

“What do you mean?”, she asked, but I kept pressing.

“Why are you so upset? You know John will be fine. Wait. What’s going on between you and John?”, I asked in my knowing tone-of-voice.

Bridge started crying again and said, “Absolutely nothing” and wailed a little as she sobbed into a napkin she had brought in with her. Therein lay the problem, in my book.

“What do you mean, nothing? Don’t tell me nothing. There is definitely something going on between you two”, I said and looked her straight in the eye.

“Well, he’s graduating in May. And you know I’m a Junior. I just don’t know what he’s going to do next year. And he hasn’t talked to me about us staying together or anything. Oh Tina, I’m so scared that he’ll just break up with me come May.” She went back to crying. Her mascara was running, so I got out a paper towel and wet it so I could clean up her face.

“Oh Bridget, I’m sure you two will figure it out. You’ve been together for 2 years. There’s no way he’s going to just let you go. Why don’t you ask him about it? You two need to talk.” I tried to look like I knew what I was talking about, but I didn’t. Just then Valerie came in to find me. They were about to announce the MVP for the game and she didn’t want me to miss it. Bridget told me to get back in there and I told her she could come talk anytime.

When I got back to my seat next to Chris, he took my hand and gave me a smile. I smiled back and we listened to what the announcer was saying to the entire audience.

“We are pleased to bring you to the most exciting part of this evenings festivities. We want to start off with the highest achievement of them all, the Most Valuable Player award. The panel of judges includes not only the coaching teams from each team, but also a host of past and present Football MVPs. The player that we award this to tonight, not only showed great skill and ability of the field in today’s game, but has had a season to rival all seasons. He has shown tenacity and nerve on and off the field and we honor him here as a Football player with no rival. It is amazing how far this man has come in such a short time. I think you will all be amazed and excited to hear who we have chosen today to represent the Rose Bowl and the sport of Football in general. Even though he has only been in the sport a year, he has shown great skill, true grit, and a determination that very few ever develop. Without further adieu, I announce to you that our MVP for 1981 Rose Bowl is none other than (drum roll), Chris McIntyre!”

Chris leaped out of his seat and the rest of his table and teammates leapt up at the same time to clap, congratulate him and, those on his way to accepting the trophy, to slap him on his back. I had never seen him smile quite as big as he did that night. I started to cry and his Mom gave me a big hug. I hugged her back and felt Bridget near my head, hugging me too. I looked up as he got to the podium to accept the trophy and shake the presenter’s hand. He looked at me as he started the following speech:

“I want to thank all of the coaches and panel participants for awarding me this trophy. I also want to thank my Mom and my girlfriend, Tina, for sticking with me through thick and thin. I want to thank my entire team as I could not have done what I did this year without them, especially John Wangler who took me under his wing to guide and coach me. My Coach, Bo Schembechler, has been like a father to me and I thank him for having the nerve to find me at Ladue High School and place me as starting Receiver in my Freshman year. I have worked hard to come as far as I have. I think everyone here knows that. And I’ll continue to work hard for my team and teammates. Thank you all for believing in me, for putting up with me at times, and for giving me the chance to prove myself. God, this is heavy!” and we all laughed with him as he stood there and held the trophy up into the air.

When he was done being clapped for, he came back to the table and sat the trophy in front of himself. Then, he kissed me in front of everyone there and left me feeling like a million bucks. I was so proud of him. But, I was also so proud of us. We had made it through our first season of College Football. Had I known how difficult it was going to be or how trying it would be for our relationship, I might have told him to get lost all those months ago when he pursued me in High School. But I hadn’t, and here we were. And I was never so happy to be by anyone’s side than his tonight. We listened to the rest of the speeches and awards, but I know Chris and I didn’t really hear them. He kept looking at me and I at him. He would sneak in a kiss every now and then when he thought most everyone wasn’t looking. Not that he cared who saw, he never cared who was looking. But he knew I cared. Well, a little bit.

After the awards ceremony was over, there was dancing, drinking and just good football mayhem. Chris and I danced nearly every slow dance. And during the fast dances, I danced with other football players who didn’t have dates (which was most of them). I was quite popular that night. When we finally said our goodnights to his friends and fellow players, we retired with his trophy and went to my room. He didn’t care what coach had to say, he was staying with me for the night. Tomorrow he would go back on a separate flight. I would go to St. Louis to see my family and friends for a couple weeks until school re-started. Since he had already seen his mother, he was going back to Michigan to take it easy. Plus, he was going to enroll in 2nd Semester for him and me.

When we got to my room, he picked me up with both arms and carried me over the threshold. I laughed at this and said, “And why are you carrying me over the threshold?”

“Because I want to pretend you are my bride”, and smiled at me as he put me down on the bed. I smiled at him and said, “Okay, I can accept that” and laughed up at him. He then, reached over and put the trophy on the nightstand and laid down next to where he had set me on the bed.

“Will you marry me, Miss Taylor?”, he said, in complete seriousness.

I had to catch my breath. “Chris? Are you serious?” and I sat up on the bed to look down at him. He sat up too, kissed me leisurely, letting his tongue wrap around my tongue, stroking me languidly. “Yes”, he said, still looking very serious, “I thought we could rent a car, go to Vegas and be married by Tuesday.” It was Sunday.

I was shocked, floored, couldn’t believe what he was saying. It was my most fervent dream to be married to this man next to me. But I wanted it all. I wanted a big wedding, with all my friends and family there. I didn’t necessarily have to be done with school or even very much older than I was. That wasn’t part of the dream. I could be married to him now. But not like this. Not in a chapel in Las Vegas, Nevada with no one but us to witness it. Not in some silver lamme dress because that was all I had to wear.

“No”, I said and looked at him with pained eyes.

“No?”, he replied, “Why not? Don’t you want to be married to me?”

“Yes! I very much want to be married to you, Chris. I want that more than most anything else, but not in Vegas. Not without my family and friends. Not without a big white dress, plenty of flowers, and 3 bridesmaids. I want the wedding that I’ve always dreamed of. I want it all. And because it would pain my parents for me to get married at 19, I’m willing to wait. As it is, we are completely living in sin and they don’t even know it. I can accept that. I love you and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere, but with you. But I can’t marry you on Tuesday. Ask me in 3 years when we know where we’re going to be. Ask me in 3 years after we’ve survived 3 more years together. I’m sorry Chris. I can’t do it now.” I started to cry and he pulled me down and to him and “shhh”ed me to soothe me.

“Hey, don’t cry”, he soothed, “that’s ok. I just want you to know I love you enough to want to marry you now. And I do. Tina, you are more important to me than anything. Than football, this trophy, anything. If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything.”

I smiled up at him and we kissed with our tears mingling together.

Chapter 23 – Second Semester

I must admit, the saying that you can never quite go home again, was totally true in my case. My old room that I had grown up in had been re-allocated to my next oldest sister, the hub-bub in the house no longer surrounded me and what I was doing, having left the fold and made it pretty well known that I was ensconced in Michigan life and not Missouri’s. So, when I got back home, it was to little fanfare and even less attention. I had to sleep on the living room couch, and only then when it wasn’t being used by anyone else in my family to watch TV on. After a week of being home, I couldn’t wait to be gone. I called Chris daily to see what he was doing in our apartment, not that I didn’t trust him. By this time, I trusted him implicitly. I just wanted to be there with him instead of here without him. He wasn’t doing much. He and John were the only ones around and they were mostly watching TV and grumbling that their girlfriends were away. I was glad to hear that John was grumbling about this, as Bridget had led me to believe at the Rose Ball that he was growing less attached to her by the day. I had hoped she was mistaken, and by the sound of it, she was.

Chris and I spent a long time going over the course catalog to decide what we were going to take for classes 2nd Semester. We knew we wanted to take at least one course in common, as we loved to study and work together. He had also decided to take the same English Lit course I had just aced, so that he could use my papers. I hoped that the teacher he got would use different books, but he seemed to “know” that that professor used the same ones mine had. He also decided to take Advanced Calc since he knew I could help him study on that one too. We decided to take Biology and Lab together since we had already taken it in high school and we would be good working together. I hated Labs as I always got squeamish when we had to dissect anything bigger than a frog. But he loved that part of it and knew I was better at all the memorization that Biology took and could help him with that. So that seemed like a good fit for us. He rounded off his 15 hours with Physical Education 120. I chose English Lit 205, which was post-war literature, Differential Equations, and Art History 101. And even though I wasn’t there, he was able to register for me, just another one of those football perks that he so enjoyed.

I was glad to see all of my friends over break, but I have to say, I was even happier to go back to Michigan and Chris. I had stayed in touch with Anne, Amy and Joyce mostly via letters with an occasional phone call when something big was happening. On January 9th, I caught a ride back to school with a fellow Michigan-ite and made a new friend in the process. Rachel had been a year ahead of me at Ladue, so I really didn’t know her there, but we bonded readily on our way back to college. She was dating a guy she had met there and we talked pretty much the whole way back about our relationships. She was shocked to hear I was living with Chris McIntyre. She hadn’t known him at Ladue as he only came for his Senior year, but she sure did know who he was at Michigan. That was the problem. Everybody knew who he was. And now, what with his MVP status, he was even more of a celebrity. I just had to put that from my mind. I could not dwell on that or it would drive me crazy. I was not going to treat him any differently than I had before we had come here. I knew he wouldn’t want me to and I couldn’t live with him if I did. So when she wanted to know even more about him, I gently, but persuasively changed the subject. She took the hint.

She dropped me off at the apartment complex around 8:00 pm and I paid her for half the gas and thanked her for the ride and conversation. We agreed to call each other to go out for drinks. When I opened the door to our apartment, there was a huge bouquet of roses, blush pink, waiting for me on the breakfast bar. I heard the shower running from our bathroom. I put down my bags and immediately stripped so that I could join Chris. When I opened up the bathroom door, he quickly looked out from the shower curtain and exclaimed, “Shit! You about gave me a heart attack!”

“Then, I guess you don’t want me to join you?”, I said teasingly. Just then, he noticed that indeed, I had no clothes on. He smiled that big sexy grin of his and reached for my hand. I put it in his over-sized paw and he pulled me towards him. I stepped over the bathtub and into the shower spray. He picked me up under my butt and held me to him for what seemed like forever as we kissed and caressed each other under the shower stream. It was so good to see him that I started to cry. I hadn’t realized just how much I had missed him until I didn’t need to miss him anymore.

“Hey babe, don’t cry”, he said sweetly, looking at me like he never wanted to let me go.

“I can’t help it, Chris. I missed you so much”, I said and furrowed my brows as I spoke.

“I missed you too, honey. But we’re here together again now. And I don’t think I’m ever letting you go away from me again”, and he laughed after he said this because he knew it was true. I laughed a little too and then cried again, louder and stronger. He set me down and just held me until I stopped crying. He swayed with me to rock me back and forth in the shower. When I finally let up in my emotion, he picked me up and impaled me with his mighty cock against the shower wall. We stood there fucking up and down and he reached down to suck my nipples like he always loved to do to me in the shower. When he came, he came hard and long. I could tell he hadn’t been masturbating without me. He had once told me that was a waste of his time, when he could be saving it up for me. When he was spent, he let me down and we finished quickly washing each other. The water was nearly cold by now, so we didn’t tarry. He got me a towel and dried me off before himself. He was shivering by the time he was done with me and I helped dry him off too. I put a load of my wash in the washer, dried my hair with my blower, and heated up some leftovers when I was hungry. He kept telling me how happy he was to see me. We kissed fervently and it felt like we were in high school again. And even though, being away from him had been hell, coming back together was sweet bliss. So, I had to admit that it wasn’t all bad, being apart.

We had a few days before school started and spent them mostly indoors, making love, eating, watching TV and sleeping. We did get out some. To get our school books, to go to a movie and have dinner at our favorite Pizza joint. We also doubled on the movie night with John and Bridget and she revealed that they were engaged! I was so happy for her. I knew how it could be not knowing where your relationship is headed. I asked her if she was going to finish college and she didn’t know at this point. They were going to play it by ear. It all depended on where John got a position or if he even got picked up on the draft pick in July. Later, Chris confided to me that he wasn’t entirely sure that John would be playing Pro Football next year. There were a lot of other quarterbacks that would be coming out of this years lineups and, although he was good, he wasn’t spectacular. I prayed that night that he and Bridget would weather that storm together. As for Chris, there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that he would play Pro. In fact, there was a lot of talk after the Rose Bowl about him going Pro after his Junior year. College players were doing that more and more, as Pro teams recruited the best and brightest for their ranks. I didn’t know how I felt about this. On the one hand, I was happy for Chris that he could do such a thing, that he was that good. But, I knew I wanted to get my degree, even if it didn’t mean anything to him. He told me before this 2nd semester began that his major was going to Physical Education, which basically meant he majored in Sports. Fine. If that’s what he wanted. But I knew he could have done so much more than PE. He was smart, as smart or smarter than I was. I felt he was wasting his college education on nothing. The night before classes started I asked him about this.

“So, can I ask you something?”, I asked, trying to start this difficult conversation with a neutral tone.


“Why did you pick PE as your major?” Again, nothing accusatory, just interest.

“I was wondering when you were going to want to talk about this”, he said and smiled that beguiling smile at me.

“What do you mean? Why were you wondering?”

“Because I figured you’d think it was a cop-out”, he said matter-of-factly.

“Well isn’t it?” Oh well, I couldn’t help how I felt.

“Not entirely. I mean, what did you think I was going to do? Get a degree in Physics and play football for half the year? Tina, I was barely able to study last semester with the schedule Coach gave me. And truth be told, I would have probably flunked out if I hadn’t had Rajid helping me.”

“I just think it’s a waste of your time here. I know you had a rough schedule, but I could help you too and you could actually leave here with something to fall back on. Chris, what if something happens and you aren’t able to play football? Then where would you be?” By this time, you could cut the tension in the room with a knife.

“Well then, I guess I’m just fucked. Cause this is all I ever wanted to do, Tina. This is what I’ve been working for all my goddamn life. I didn’t come here to get a degree. My degree is Football. I’m going to make enough in my Pro career to retire by the age of 35. Don’t you get it? If I can’t play football, I might as well be dead.” He was yelling to the rooftops by the time he was done.

“Great”, I yelled back, “And what am I supposed to do while you fucking OFF yourself because you’ve broken a knee and are disabled permanently? Or throw your shoulder out and you can’t catch?”

“This isn’t about you! You’ll do what you always do. You’ll be fine.” He turned around so that I couldn’t see what he was about to do. But I could tell from the slope of his shoulders and the shaking of his head. He was crying. He hadn’t thought about me. He wanted to marry me, but he hadn’t thought about the fact that he would have to factor me into his decisions. I left the room. I didn’t want to console him. I wanted him to think long and hard about his choices. But, I can tell you, I decided right there and then that I was going to get a degree, even if he left early to play Pro ball. If he wasn’t going to take my well-being into consideration when he was making his life decisions, then I wouldn’t either. I couldn’t help but feel that it was a good thing we hadn’t gotten married a couple weeks ago. We had no business going down that aisle when we didn’t know if we’d still be together in 2 years. There were so many unanswered questions, that probably wouldn’t be answered for some time. I went to the bedroom and closed the door. Whether by accident or on purpose, Chris slept on the couch that night. I didn’t even try to move him when I saw him there in the middle of the night on my nightly pee break. The couch was long, but he was still all balled up on it, with just a thin cover over him. I felt bad that we had argued. I was willing earlier to make up and just let things be, but he had never even tried to come to bed. And, with my pride, I hadn’t tried to make up.

Chris and I silently agreed to disagree on this subject. After the first day of classes, when we had Biology homework to do, we came back, made dinner and hunkered down to studying. Indeed, this English Lit prof was reading the same books that mine had. So, I handed over the papers, but only after he promised to at least read the books. He thanked me that night by going down on me and making me come over and over. And, as usual, I welcomed him back into the foray by making love to him as many times as he wanted. Which was several. We never did talk again about his major or his plans, until a day came when we had to. We skirted around the issues for 2 more years. But I digress. I loved this and all of our 2nd semesters. He would actually take courses that challenged him. We would take at least one course together. I usually took the notes for both of us as my handwriting was far better than his and there was no need to double up on notes. If it was a math course, he would end up explaining things to me as this was way more his forte. If it was English, I was the master and would help him write his papers. One time, we took Weightlifting together. That was such a joke. But he loved seeing me try and I loved seeing him do it. He would get me in bed and weight lift me! I never stopped being awed by his body. It just kept getting stronger, harder, and thicker as we went through college. I didn’t change a bit, but he continued to mature up until he was about 25. Weird, how that was.

For Spring Break, we decided to go stay with his Mom for part of it and go on our own for the rest. Valerie missed her boy, I couldn’t blame her and she doted on him like he’d been gone for years. They had a special bond that I couldn’t relate to. I didn’t feel that way about my parents. But it was nice to see some of my high school buddies while home on vacation. While he spent nights talking with Al and Valerie, I went out with Anne and Amy. Joyce and Harlan had gone to Florida so they weren’t around. We hung out with Mark and Scott and Julie, going to movies, bars and comedy theaters. When I got back to Chris’s house, he would snuggle with me in his bed and we’d make love quietly so his Mom didn’t hear us. Valerie cried when it came time to say goodbye, but I could tell that Chris was ready to leave. We drove back to Michigan, but stopped at Bed and Breakfasts on the way. Most were really out of the way, with very little to do, but we would read books, take long walks and eat gourmet dinners in little cafes. Most of the beds squeaked when we made love and this would have us cracking up laughing. And, of course, it didn’t stop us. Somewhere, along the way back home, I started to itch. And not a good itch either. My vagina was so itchy that we finally went to an ER outside Chicago. I was in pain and we didn’t know what to do. I was starting to think STD, but I knew there was no place I would have gotten it, except for Chris. And I wasn’t going there. When the Gynecologist diagnosed it as a yeast infection, I was relieved and curious.

“How did I get this yeast infection? And how do I get rid of it?”, I asked the doctor.

“Well, it’s caused by an overgrowth of yeast in your vagina and it’s very easy to get rid of. I’ll give you a cream that you will insert nightly for 7 nights and by then you’ll be fine. Don’t worry, Tina, it’s nothing like an STD. Some women get these often and some never. But you probably need to abstain from sex until it’s gone.” And with that, the doctor left the room and came back a few minutes later with some samples of the cream and a prescription. Abstain from sex? I wasn’t sure if Chris and I could do that!

When I explained it all to Chris, he was relieved and concerned.

“Are we having too much sex? Is that it?”, he asked.

“No, I think maybe this is just something that happens to some women and it doesn’t to others”, I replied. “But we have to go without until this is cleared up”, I said. He understood, but wasn’t too happy either.

“Does this mean we can’t have oral sex?”, he asked and I could see where this was leading.

“No, silly. Just intercourse”, I said and laughed. God, the mind on this sex maniac.

“Phew, you had me worried there”, he said and exaggerated blowing out his breath. That night we performed a 69, but I couldn’t concentrate on what he was doing to me. Finally, I pulled away and let him fuck my mouth as I sucked on his dick and made him come. Then he licked my clit until I thought I would die in delight as I came over and over in his mouth. He sniffed my vagina and said it definitely smelled funny. I inserted the cream and felt better even the next morning. Not having sex for 7 nights was trying. We were so used to boning each other as much as we could stand, that by the time the 7th night was up, we spent the whole next day in bed. Living without sex was like living without water to us. We could get by on soda and coffee, but who wants to? Sex, we found out, was a big part of our relationship. It was what sustained us, what helped us get through the day. It was how we knew that we loved each other. Of course, we told each other and we showed each other in many ways, but sex was our physical way of speaking our love to each other on a daily basis. It was also how we related to each other. After this episode and seeing how important sex was to us, I decided to try something.

Chapter 24 – The Month of April

When I told Chris that I wanted to go a month without sex, though, he was less than enthused.

“But why?” he asked incredulously.

“Because I want to know that we can. Because I want to know that our relationship is more than fucking.” I cocked my head to the side and looked straight at him.

“And that’s worth going a month without?…No, don’t answer that. I know your answer without you even having to open your mouth”, he said and looked forlorn. “And what if I don’t want to?”

I looked at him long and hard and finally said, “I want you to do this for me”, the answer to kill all questions.

“Fine, but when you want to screw me on day 10, you can forget it. We’re going the whole month no matter what” and he turned and left the apartment to go over to John’s place.

When he had left, I started to wonder if we could do it. Or even, if we could be with each other if we weren’t screwing. I was worried. I was scared. So much of our relationship had been based on our mutual attraction and physical response to each other. It wasn’t that we didn’t have fun in other ways too, but at the end of the day, our life together always came back to sex. Would we even like each other if we didn’t have intercourse nightly?

Chris came back that night a couple hours later. He had left to diffuse the tension between us, I knew that. I was actually grateful for his leaving. But when he came back, he got in the shower and for the first time in many months, I did not get in with him. I was reading on our bed and continued to do so while he showered. When he got out, I got in. He brushed his teeth, flossed, trimmed the beard he had begun to grow and prattled around the apartment while I showered. When I was finished, I got on my nightshirt and got into bed. He watched TV until 11:00 and then got into bed with me.

“Does it count if I just want to hold you next to me?”, he asked sarcastically.

“No, silly. You know that’s not sex”, I answered in my stupid blond voice. This always made him laugh and tonight was no different. He pulled me to him and asked if we could kiss a little. I told him I’d rather not, just for tonight, since this was so new. He pecked me on my cheek and put his arms around me.

“You know I love you, right?”, he inquired.

“Yes, I do”, I answered, “And you know I love you too?”

“Yeh babe” and he pulled my head back just a little bit by my hair. And then he kissed me searchingly and deeply, swirling his tongue all around my mouth, pushing himself against me, so that there wasn’t an inch of space on my body not covered by his. And as quickly as he took me in this fashion, he let go, turned over and said, “Good night, sweetheart”. I was left breathing hard, wet between my legs and more angry than I had been with him in a long time. I rolled over the other way and said, “Yeh, night lover”.

The next day, he was up and gone before I even awoke. I had had so many erotic dreams about him and me, about me and other guys, I woke up sweating and “itchy”. I wanted to fuck him like I hadn’t wanted anything in so long. But there was no way I was giving in. Not when it was my idea. I went to class that day and all I could think of was sex. I cooked spaghetti that night and all I could think of was fucking. I fingered myself in the shower that night, but it just wasn’t the same. And besides, I really did want to go a month without sex, even masturbation. Training had started back up for Chris. They didn’t have practices, but he still had to keep in shape and to do this, they trained in the college fitness facilities 4 nights a week. So, when he got home, I was in bed studying. I heard him pull out the spaghetti and re-heat it in our Radarange. He didn’t even say hello. When he was done eating, he came in and immediately went to the shower to clean up. When he was done showering and all the other pre-bed activities he did in the bathroom, he came in to get dressed for bed. When we were having sex every night, he slept nude, but he had sleep pants for hanging out in the apartment. I guess now that we weren’t having sex, he was going to wear his sleep pants to bed. When he came out of the bathroom, I couldn’t help noticing that not only was he naked, but he was as stiff as a board. He stood there in front of me and said, “Hey Tina, how was your day?”

He didn’t make a move. He wanted me to see how big and hard he was.

I looked back down and said, “It was good babe, and yours?”

“Oh, it was fucking great. I had a great work-out with the guys.” I could tell he was just teasing me, just playing with me. In reality, he was pissed. And he wasn’t going to make this any easier on me.

“That’s great, honey” and continued to read and ignore his schlong that he was so wanting me to pay attention to. Finally, he went to his dresser and pulled out a pair of sleep pants. He left the room in a huff and went to go watch TV before bedtime. He could be such a pouter.

“Fine”, I thought to myself, “if he wants to play it that way. I know he’s pissed, but I still think it’s for the best. He’s just being so fucking immature.” I couldn’t read anymore after that, so I brushed my teeth and hair and turned out the lights to go to sleep.

A few minutes later, Chris came in, having turned out the lights in the kitchen and living room. I could feel him getting into bed and fluffing up his pillow like he did every night. I heard him sigh, letting out a big gust of air as he did so.

“Tina?”, he asked, under his breath. He didn’t want to wake me if I was already asleep.

“Yes?”, I responded. I turned over to see if I could see him in the dark. He was leaning up on his elbow, staring down at me. I turned over onto my side to face him.

“I love you. I really do. I hope you know that”, he said softly with more tenderness than he had said anything to me in a long time, “I might hate not making love to you, but I love you as much as I ever have.” My heart broke just hearing how sweet he was. I knew he was hating this, but I had to do it. I hoped at some point he would see why.

“I love you too, Chris”, I said sweetly, “I just hope at some point that you realize why I’m doing this.” I didn’t move towards him. After last night, I just plain did not trust him. And he didn’t move to kiss me either.

“Yeh, I hope I do too” and with that, he rolled back over, sighed, and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night, as I usually did to pee, and he was holding me in our spoon position. He didn’t usually sleep this way, as he liked to sprawl out, but I found it endearing all the same. I went to the bathroom and came back to put myself against his body again. Shortly after that, he moved away to spread out on his back. I missed being close to him after that and had a hard time sleeping the rest of that night.

After that first week, we settled in to life without sex. We still ate together, studied together, walked to classes together and went out together. We just didn’t have that integral part of our lives called sex. It was like we constantly had a white elephant in the room with us. He would stare at me and I knew what he was thinking about, but I just wouldn’t allow myself to go there. I’m not going to tell you life was bleak, because it wasn’t. But it wasn’t vibrant with color either. We weren’t playful with each other for fear of forgetting ourselves and winding up in bed. We had to walk on eggshells. I could tell Chris was just simply going along with this because I wanted to. His heart was not in it, and truth be told, neither was mine. But, around the 4th week, I realized that there was another reason for continuing our little “experiment”. This was the first time I could ever remember Chris doing something simply because I wanted it done. And I’m not talking about moving the couch so I can find my earrings under it. I mean something big. Really big. When I looked back on our time together, my ponderings always brought me to the fact that we did what we did because he wanted to. I knew this was a conversation I needed to have with him. It was important. It was a revelation to me. We were going to have to resolve this issue or, at the very least, talk about it.

After we got back from a fun night out on the town, I told Chris that I wanted to sit down and talk to him about something that had been on my mind for a while.

He immediately said, “Uh oh” and smiled to try and make me laugh. Chris did not want to get into something that might make us angry at each other. And he knew from my tone of voice, that this could be one of those “talks”.

“No, it’s not that bad”, I started off with. “Its just that I realized the other night that a big part of our celibacy has to do with you doing something for me that you’d rather not do. In other words, in this instance, I have been the one to call the shots. When we first embarked on this month of abstention, I thought the importance of it was the actual abstention. And I have learned some from that. But, the other night, when I was lying in bed thinking about this, it occurred to me that this is the first time in our year plus history that I have actually been the one to get my way over something big. I mean, Chris, when you look at it, we’re here in Michigan because of you (I could tell Chris was holding his tongue), I live where I do because of you. The friends I have here, I made because of you. Eventually, you will get drafted to go play Pro ball and, if we are still together, I’ll go there because of you.” By the time I got to these last few words, he was ready to pop. He held up his hand and interrupted my speech to get some of his own input heard.

“First off, we are not just here because of me. Michigan was your target University, not mine.”

When I heard this, I was simply amazed. I had always been under the assumption that he was the one who wanted to come to Michigan and he got me in here to bring me along with him.

I got my words in edge-wise before he could say anything more, “Well, Chris, where did you want to go, if not Michigan? Because this is the first time I’ve ever heard about any other schools than Michigan.”

“Well, Tina, I was being heavily recruited by both Oklahoma and Georgia, but seeing as you didn’t want to go to those schools, I put them on the back burner. You see, I wanted to go where you wanted to go as long as they had a decent program and would start me as a Freshman.”

“But if it weren’t for you, I probably never would have been accepted to Michigan.”

“You know that’s a bunch of bunk. And hey, I’m sure you could have gotten into Oklahoma or Georgia if you had wanted to”, and then he started laughing, thinking about me going to southern schools. “But more importantly, we came here because it was your dream to come here, not because I had to. Ok?”

“Ok”, I said sheepishly.

“And I admit, I am a bit more dominant in our relationship, but it’s just who I am. It isn’t that I’m not willing to share with you. I’m all for “give and take”. I just don’t always think about compromise. I’m more decisive than you are.” And he continued to look at me as he spoke in a loving tone-of-voice. “The no-sex rule was all your choice and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping my side of the bargain. I don’t always understand it, but I do understand your need to be in control. Tina, we need to talk about something else too. I mean it’s 2 more years away and anything could happen in that time frame, but I think we should talk about what we’re going to do at the end of my Junior Year”. He stopped to see if I had a flicker of understanding as to what he was getting at. Unfortunately, I did.

“Why do I have this feeling that I’m not going to like this conversation?”

“Because you probably are not going to like it. For starters, you know I’m seriously thinking about going Pro after 3 years”

“And you know how I feel about that.”
“Yes, I know how you feel about that. But Tina, it’s my life and if I so choose to get into the Draft pick, then it’s my decision to make.”

“And what did you have in mind for me? Am I to just simply give up my dream of a college education just so I can come watch you play Pro ball?”
He could tell I didn’t understand. He could tell I was frustrated that Football, once again, was making all the decisions for me. So he tried to explain as best he could. “Tina, I don’t expect you to give up your college education. You can transfer to another college in the city where I get drafted by. But, there’s three hundred thousand dollars on the line and I’ll be damned if I’m going to forgo that just so you can finish out at Michigan.” He looked me squarely in the eyes while he said this and, as I heard the words, my mouth opened up bigger and bigger.

“Three hundred thousand?”, I said as I swallowed hard, “Are you teasing me?” I could tell by the look he gave me that, indeed, he was not.

“No. No joke here, my dear”, he said and then laughed, “And you never know how long your career will last, so you pretty much have to take it while you can. Now you see why I want to leave after Junior year if Pros will have me?”.

“Yeh, I get it now.” And I was shocked. I had no idea the salaries were that high. I was later to find out that this amount he quoted me was actually double what most Rookies received. But then, Chris was not most Rookies. I was also told, along the way, that Chris should never even have been a Wide Receiver. Most Wide Receivers were shorter, thinner and Black. The fact that Chris could run as fast as he did was a fluke of nature. In fact, he took off 40 pounds during his tenure at Michigan. Just so he could run faster.

He continued, “Tina, I’ll do a lot of things for you, even things that I don’t necessarily agree with, but I will not leave to go Pro without you. We can get married then, we can get engaged, whatever. I don’t care. But I have to have you with me. Do you understand me? I cannot be without you.” And then we reached for each other at the same time. The kiss we shared was the longest one we had had in nearly 4 weeks. When we were done sucking on each others’ mouth and face and ears, he picked me up and took me into the bedroom. It was 2 days shy of the month, but I wasn’t going to complain. I wanted him so bad, I could feel the need deep in my groin. He placed me down on the bed and immediately pulled off my pants and undies. I pulled off my top and undid my bra. Before I could even remove it, though, he was all over my tits with his mouth. He sucked on me and licked my nipples and went after me in a way I can only describe as voracious. I managed to get his clothes off while he was biting and sucking and otherwise mauling me. Instead of him going down on me, like he usually did, he felt he could no longer hold himself back and climbed on top of me to dig his wide cock into my tight pussy. As he slid into and felt me encompass him, he groaned into my ear, “Ohhhhhhh yehhhhh.” He smiled down at me and I laughed back up at him.

“Don’t ever make me do this again. Please tell me we won’t do this abstaining thing again” and as he started to ride me like we were 16 again, I promised him, “Never again, babe”. He pushed me up against the headboard, as he first took me from above and then from behind. The first time around, he came so fast, I barely had time to enjoy it. He apologized and promised me the next round he would last longer. And it did.

He pulled me down to lick and suck on my clit like he hadn’t seen it in a month. Oh yeh, he hadn’t seen it in a month! He licked my opening and smothered his face with my pussy. His face was wet from me and he kissed the insides of my thighs until they were sticky too. Then he settled in for some good ol’ muff diving and made me come in record time. He told me he had missed doing this to me more than fucking. Of course, I didn’t believe him, but it was still nice to hear, all the same. After I came, he fucked me riotously again by leaning me over the end of the bed. He still had to bend his knees some as he was too tall for this position, but he loved laying into me from behind. He said it was because he got to look at my ass, but I think it was because he could get deeper inside of me. When he had shuddered and blown his load, he flopped down on top of me and rolled to the side so I could breath. We lay half on, half off the bed for some time just smiling and kissing each other. It used to take him a full 5 minutes to catch his breath after sex, but these days he was in such good shape (and not smoking) that he was good in just a minute or two. He started the shower for us and we cleaned and kissed for another 30 minutes while the water rained down on us. It felt like when we had first met and sex was so unbelievably fresh and raw. Now, I’m not going to say that I had had this in mind when I decided to abstain for a month, but this by-product of celibacy was certainly a windfall, as far as I was concerned. We fell asleep that night, having made love until 4:00 in the morning, sated and complete. And although I was glad that we had completed my little experiment, I was also glad it was over. I vowed never to do that again.

Chapter 25 – Summer Break

During the month of May, most of what we did was study. I was taking a bunch of difficult classes that occupied all of my time and brainpower. I was glad that Chris and I had taken Biology together as we had something in common to moan over. I even wound up meeting a couple girls in my other classes that didn’t live in the dorms either, and we started friendships that would last a lifetime. It helped that they didn’t know or care a lick for football. They didn’t know who Chris McIntyre was and that was fine by me. When I introduced them, they were friendly, but unimpressed. Yay! Finally someone who didn’t fawn all over him like he was some God of College Ball.

We passed our finals and went out to celebrate after the last one. While we were eating and drinking, Chris brought up the subject of summer break. I guess I had figured we would go home, I certainly knew my parents and his were expecting it. But Chris had other plans.

“Umm, Tina. Coach wants me to stay here over summer break”, he started out tentatively.

“I thought we were both going to go home for the summer. I know you’re Mom thinks you are coming home and I’m sure my parents want me to come home too”, I said worriedly. Here we went again. Chris making decisions involving me.

“Well, he wants me to assist him in coaching the Football Camps at Michigan this summer. And he’s going to pay me. Well. And you know I could use the money…”

“Since when? I thought you had everything bought for you”

“Yeh, well not that little necklace you are wearing. And not the dinners that I take you out to. They pay for all of the essentials, and even some non-essentials. But I want to have money of my own. And they’re going to pay me ten bucks an hour!”

“Ten bucks an hour?! Jesus, that’s more than anyone I know is making”

“Yeh, so you see why I think I should stay? Plus, I’m kinda psyched about coaching. That’s what I’d like to eventually do and this would be a great way to get a taste of it”, he looked at me with those big puppy-dog eyes of his and, of course, I melted.

“Okay, I see where you’re coming from”, I said resignedly, “But what about me. What am I going to do here all summer? And what are our parents going to say? Your Mom is going to have a shit fit when you tell her.”

“I already have” and he could see the steam start to come out of my ears, “Now Tina. Don’t be upset with me. I wanted to make sure Mom was going to be ok with it before I brought it all up to you. And she is. Ok. She wants me to get the most that I can out of my stay here and she knows this will help me to assist the Coach.”

I was mad that he’d told her first, but I could see his reasoning. I just didn’t know what my parents would say. Or what I would do.

He continued, “I was thinking that maybe you could take some Summer School courses. In fact, if you went to school year round, you could probably graduate in 3 years…” and he smiled, because he knew I knew what he was getting at. He wanted me to be able to leave Michigan with a degree when he left to play Pro. I was no dummy, that much I could figure out. He had a point. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to go to school year round. But I didn’t want to be away from him all summer long and I had to figure out something to do. It was either work or go to school. But I wanted to go home for at least a couple weeks to see my family and friends, so it was decided that I would go home by myself over the 2 weeks in between Spring and Summer semesters. Football camps started during those weeks, so Chris would have to stay here. I was kinda bummed that he couldn’t come with me, but understood that he had commitments to fulfill. I was ok with him being the breadwinner in our relationship. I had a little spending money that my parents would give me, but for the most part I relied on Chris for all of my necessities and for our nights out. He even preferred it this way. He liked feeling he was “keeping” me. I know not all women would feel comfortable in this arrangement, but it worked for Chris and me.

I headed out for St. Louis on the Monday after finals week and cried for a good hour over not being with him for two whole weeks. Once I was about halfway there, though, I started to feel excited about seeing everyone from back home. When I got home, I was a bit saddened to see that my “bed” was going to be the living room couch again, and I had no where to put my clothes except to leave them in my suitcase. My family was happy to see me, but it was apparent that life after Tina was still as hectic and crazy as before I left. I didn’t garner much attention from anyone there, so I didn’t feel bad about going out every day and night to be with old friends. I even tried sleeping over at Anne’s house, but after she and her mother got into a knock-down, drag-out fight, I decided my house was preferable, if not wholly welcoming. And after a week of being home, I was ready to go back. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy seeing my friends and family, it was just that we had changed so much, there wasn’t that much to talk about. And my family was completely driving me bonkers by the time a week had passed. I kissed everyone goodbye, wished them all happiness in their endeavors, and quickly hightailed it back to Michigan to be with the one person who I could never get sick of.

I didn’t let Chris know I was coming back early. I told my family to just put him off if he called, tell him I was out with friends. So when I got back and heard the water running in the shower, I put down my suitcase and went into the bathroom to surprise him. What I found there was enough to surprise anyone. Chris was sitting up on the ledge in the shower, head bent over, hands over his eyes, crying like a baby. When he looked up at me, he tried to smile through his tears and just started crying harder. I immediately went to him, fully clothed, not caring how wet I got and hugged him fiercely. I didn’t know what he was crying about. Chris so rarely cried and when he did, it made me feel completely incapacitated. I didn’t know what to say, so all I could do was hold him. He held on tight to me and continued to cry.

Finally, I said, “Hey babe. What’s the matter? Did someone die? Are you ok?” and I continued to rub his back and head. He brought himself together enough to reply, “No, Tina. I’ve just been missing you so much. I’m fucking lost without you babe.” And he blew his nose into the stream of water. While he started to calm down, I took off my clothes and just let them lay in the shower. I went back to holding him and said sweetly, “I missed you too. That’s why I came back a week early. I need you too, hon.”

He looked at me, eye to eye and said, “But not like I need you. I just do. I can’t stand to be away from you. You’re all I can think about when we’re apart. Please say you won’t leave me again, Tina.” He looked pained as he spoke of his need for me. I could feel his sadness wash over me. And I knew he was right. I was way more independent than he was. Heck, I was happy just being by myself. He hated to be alone. I thought he would spend time with other players that had stayed over the break, but I guess most of them had gone home for the summer, and even the ones that stayed, he didn’t necessarily want to spend time with. John was gone, the new quarterback was going to be Steve Smith (not to be confused with the guy I had dated in my Sophomore year of High School), but he wouldn’t arrive for training until the end of the summer.

I hugged him and said, “I wouldn’t dream of it”. He pulled me away so that he could kiss me and while we kissed, he stood up and pulled me up by my knees so that he was holding me, with my legs wrapped around him. The water was running cold by then. I wasn’t sure how long he had been crying in the shower when I came upon him, but I’m willing to wager quite some time. I left my wet clothes there until the next day and we dried off, just to get wet again in each others’ sweat. The love we made that night was sweeter than most. He couldn’t get enough of me and wanted to kiss me the entire time we had intercourse. We fell asleep around 1:00 am, wrapped around each other until, unconsciously, he moved away to find sleep.

When we woke the next morning, we didn’t speak of Chris’s tears. Or how the balance of power had so suddenly shifted in our relationship. I made brunch, while he read the paper. It was Sunday and we planned a leisurely day at home. I was so happy to be back, in my own place, with my own bed, and my own man. I can live without many things in life, but these three things I needed to have with me from now on. Chris and I talked about everything that day. We discussed the classes I would be taking this summer, what his new job would entail and the new quarterback.

We had a great summer. He thoroughly enjoyed coaching a bunch of kids, especially the Pee Wee group. Those boys thought of him as a god and he, for one, wasn’t going to burst their bubble! Coach taught him a lot about how to coach. And from this summer, he decided on his life’s work. Once he was done playing ball, he wanted to coach it. My summer was consumed with both Mechanical and Electrical Physics courses, Organic Chemistry and my second Art History course. I was never so busy in all of my entire life. At one point I thought of dropping a course, but Chris encouraged me to do the best I could and just muddle through. The one good thing for me that came out of summer school was meeting Jeff.

Jeff was very smart, very cute, and very gay. We met on the first day of Physics. We had both Physics courses together and since we were the only two in both classes, we decided to do both labs with each other. He’s how I got through Physics. I prided myself in my Math aptitude, but when it came to Physics, I completely drowned. It didn’t help that the summer session was abbreviated, as we had to learn the same amount in much less time. Like I said, Jeff was a godsend when it came to these Physics courses. He and I took to each other right away. I could tell right away that he was gay. It wasn’t that it was ridiculously obvious, but I have good “Gaydar” and I knew just from a few hand gestures that he probably was a Barbra fan. When I told Chris about meeting him, he just grunted and said “That’s great babe”. Either he could have cared less or he was jealous and trying to mask it.

Jeff and I began spending a lot of time together. We were studying Physics, true, but we were also talking about ourselves and our loves. His boyfriend, Brian, was even more of a hunk than him, if that could possibly be so. Jeff resembled a young Mel Gibson and Brian, Patrick Swayze. When I told Jeff who I was dating/living with, he just about lost his cookies. He told me the whole gay community had a huge crush on Chris. That cracked me up, seeing as Chris was probably one of the most hetero guys on campus. When I told Chris this, he smiled and said he knew, but I don’t think he did. I think he was just trying to play it cool. In truth, Chris was not only strictly hetero, he was downright homophobic. And he hated how much time I was spending with Jeff. I reasoned that if it didn’t get in the way of my time with Chris, he didn’t have a leg to stand on. I spent my days studying and laughing with Jeff and my nights cuddling and fucking with Chris. What girl could have been happier?

And even though Jeff was really nice to look at, I couldn’t have been less interested. I knew he was gay, not bi, and that was fine by me. He didn’t tempt me at all. And I knew he felt the same way, so we could talk and laugh and tease each other and know it meant absolutely nothing. Chris, however, didn’t see things the way I did. He took offense to my being seen with Jeff on a daily basis. His friends teased him to no end that I was going to leave him for a gay guy. He didn’t like how chummy Jeff and I were together. He wouldn’t have cared less if this was Bridget, but throw in a guy as my best friend and fireworks were sure to go off! I tried to assuage his fears by telling him that he was like a girlfriend to me. I tried to make him see that Jeff was helping me get through, instead of suffering through, Physics. I appealed to his intellect that I couldn’t possibly be attracted to a gay guy when I had the star of football in my apartment. All of these arguments helped, but we still argued. The result of these arguments was him usually storming out to go have a beer with one of his fellow teammates. He’d stew for a couple hours and then come back and say he was sorry.

“Babe, I just don’t know what gets into me”, he’d say.

“Um. Maybe jealousy?”, I would ask sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t like you being with this guy. I can’t help but think he’s gotta have a thing for you if he’s spending all this time with you.” He looked worried.

“Chris, I don’t spend any time at night with him. I’m here with you every single night. He’s just a study buddy, that’s all.” I looked pleading.

I sparked to life with a great idea (or so I thought at the time), “Why don’t we double with him and Brian? Then you could get to know him. We wouldn’t have to even go out. We could just have them over for dinner and drinks.” I smiled big like I hoped he could see this was a great idea.

But he could not. I could see that he thought it was a rotten idea, he had that look about his eyes. Kinda a “what the fuck, Tina” look. He said, “Sure. If you think that would help”.

When I brought up the suggestion to Jeff and invited him and Brian over for the next Saturday night, he thought I was a genius. I heard from Jeff later that Brian thought I was crazy. Brian liked me well enough, but I always got the idea that he simply tolerated me because Jeff told him to. He was not real “whoopy” on going to a straight guy’s house, especially a football player. Except for me, Jeff and Brian lived in an all-gay world on campus. All of their friends were either lesbian or gay. There was a huge underground of gays on Michigan’s campus. And they had no reason to move in social circles outside that world. Jeff and I just happened to click together like old friends, like brother and sister, like best friends, almost from our first encounter. I hadn’t felt this close to anyone since my best girlfriends in high school. Plus, he was so smart. And truly smart people were not easy to come by. I enjoyed being with him for his wit and his intellect. If he hadn’t been gay, I might have thought more about being with him. But, I knew too, that as much as I liked him, I wouldn’t leave Chris for anyone. Chris and I had something that you just don’t come by very often – passion and history.

When the day came for our big “date” with Jeff and his boyfriend, I was nervous. I wanted everything to go smoothly. I knew I was going into uncharted waters. But, I had to make Chris see that Jeff was just a normal guy with no intentions on me whatsoever. Plus, I was secretly hoping they would hit it off like he and I did. That was, obviously, too much to ask for. Jeff and Brian showed up 20 minutes late. Jeff later told me that Brian did not want to come and that’s why they were so late. He was making it difficult for him the whole way over to our apartment. I kept the food warm, but Chris was seething by the time they got there. Which is understandable, seeing how punctual he is about time. I introduced Jeff and Brian to Chris and vice verse. They all shook hands. Nice. Then Jeff asked Chris about the new quarterback transferring to UM from USC and they were off and running. Brian helped me get the food on the table while they talked their heads off about football. Who’d have thought a gay guy would know so much about the game? But that was Jeff. He could have a conversation with a pig! Brian and I might as well have not even been there for how much talk time they gave us. I could tell Brian was ready to leave at any minute. I was just happy that Jeff and Chris were getting along. I kept filling Brian’s glass with wine to try and soothe him.

After dinner was over, Brian said, “Uh, Jeff, we need to get going if we’re going to make that 9:30 show.”

Jeff took the hint and thanked me for a wonderful dinner and Chris for great conversation. He was such a suck-up! But it did the trick. Chris asked him if he’d like to go drinking next weekend. I think it was for just the two of them. I didn’t get the feeling Brian or I were invited. Jeff shook his hand and said he’d like that. I beamed.

When we had shown them out, I turned around to Chris and said, “Sooooo?” in that kittenish way of mine.

“So what?”, he replied, being coy.

“So did you like him? No, wait. Don’t answer that. I know the answer.”

He smiled, “You do, do you?”

I arched my eyebrow, “Yes! You loved him!”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far. But, yeh, he’s a good guy. Except for the whole gay thing, that is.”

“Oh come on. Just say it. You loved him. You took to each other like butter on bread.”

“Just because you love him, doesn’t mean I’m going to. He was nice. I can see why you like him so much. And I’m glad he is gay or I’d have to bust him up.”

“I do not love him. I like him. A lot. We have a lot in common and he’s easy to talk to. Plus he’s smart and you don’t meet someone that smart every day.” and I continued, “And yes, he’s very gay, so there is no reason to get your panties all in a bunch. Boy, could Brian have been more angry at having to come to our place?”

“Oh, I think he was mad about something else. I think they were having an argument about something before they ever got here.” He helped me clear and rinse off the dishes as we talked. I was just so happy to have my best friend and my boyfriend getting along. After we got the dishes done, Chris pulled me against him and kissed me long and deep. It felt so good to be this happy in all areas of my life. I led him back to the bedroom where we fucked like rabbits the rest of the night.

Chapter 26 – Sophomore Year, 1st Semester

With help from Jeff, I passed all of my Summer School courses with As and Bs. Chris and I ended up going out with Jeff several times that summer. Somehow Brian was always busy at the time. I secretly thought he had a big problem with Jeff’s relationship with me. Chris, on the other hand, became much more easy-going about my friendship with Jeff after spending time with him. Jeff knew more about College Football statistics than anyone Chris had ever met. This impressed him to no end.

When we looked over the course catalog for the upcoming semester, Chris and I realized we wouldn’t have any classes together again. Once again, his coaches had picked out his classes based on the schedule he would need to keep practicing and playing football. Everything was about football. As far as they were concerned, he was there, first and foremost, to play for them. If he happened to get an education, great. If not, no big deal. I hated how football took over his life five months out of the year. When he started training and practicing, our life together was put on hiatus. I couldn’t argue with him. Oh, he’d listen, but in the end, football was everything. Sometimes I truly thought it was more than even me.

Jeff listened to my complaints and commiserated with me. But he understood where Chris was coming from. He knew all about true dedication, even if it were to a sport. And because Brian wanted to have nothing to do with me, I was pretty much alone again at night. I would go over to Alpha Chi Omega and spend time with Bridget and her friends, but I never quite felt like I fit in there. And since I had decided to not rush and join, I really didn’t fit in. That first semester of Sophomore year was one of the worst times of my life. I was taking some pretty hard courses again and spent a lot of time studying, either at home alone or at the library alone. Jeff would sneak out to join me occasionally, but for the most part Brian wanted him at home and that’s where he stayed at night. He and I took Organic Chemistry together and we were lab partners, but we had to study during the day. I was starting to get sick of how Brian had him wrapped around his little finger, when the following nightmare happened.

I was coming home from studying in the library when I heard a party happening in the apartment across the hall from ours. This was the new quarterback’s place, as John had graduated. Steve Smith was a nice enough guy, but I always got the feeling that he was scoping me out when I was around him. He kinda gave me the willies. It was a Monday and Chris and I usually spent time together on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday nights. The other nights he was over at one of his teammates talking about practice, going over plays, and drinking beers. So, when I got home and Chris was nowhere around, my first thought was maybe he was next door. I knocked on the door and Steve opened it with a surprised look on his face.

“Hi Tina”, he said slowly and louder than was necessary.

“Hi Steve, is Chris here?”, I asked, smiling up at him. I think he was taller than Chris.

“Ummm, yeh, I think so”, he said cautiously. He looked around to where Chris was sitting on the couch and I could see he was worried for his teammate. He had blocked my view, but as he turned around, I was able to see Chris clearly. Yes, he was sitting on the couch all right. And he had a cute little brunette cheerleader on his lap. Immediately, I saw red.

I stood there and just stared. I could tell from where I was standing that Chris was drunk. He had a huge stein of beer in one hand and his other hand was sneaking up the skirt of this girl’s outfit. I was about to leave, when I saw her lean over to kiss him. Their tongues were halfway down each other’s throats and I thought I would throw up right there and then. Finally, Chris saw me and waved me over, like I was just some old friend and not his girlfriend.

“Hey babe, come here”, he said and waved to me to come over. I was incredulous. What did he take me for? Did he not realize I had just witnessed him practically fucking this other girl? Was he that drunk?

I took a couple steps closer with a look on my face that belied my true feelings. My lips were set in a line as I was trying to just stay cool. I could see people looking at me from the periphery of my vision, but I just ignored them.

Chris continued in his drunken slur, “Hey hon, this here is Candy…”

“Candace”, said the cheerleader, still sitting on his lap.

He looked at her then like he wanted to say, “Who are you?”, but instead said, “Oh…yeh…Candace”. He looked back up at me and said, a bit too loudly, “She’s a cheerleader for the team.” Like I wouldn’t have figured that out on my own.

I shook my head and said, bitingly, “Well, Chris, I hope you’re fucking happy with her. Cause I know one girl you’re not going to be fucking anymore.” And I turned around and walked the four feet it took to get out of that apartment. I could hear Chris saying behind me, “Oh babe, don’t be mad.”

And “Candace” saying back to him, “Don’t worry about her. I’ll take good care of you.”

I didn’t get sick until I got into our apartment. I’m not sure how I kept it together. But once I got in, I lurched for the kitchen sink and threw up into it with such ferocity as I couldn’t ever remember. I puked until it was merely dry heaves and then I continued that for another couple minutes. And then I did what I knew I had to do. I packed a suitcase as fast as I could and left. I rushed around gathering up my toiletries, a few days worth of clothing, my books and a couple nightshirts. When I had what I could think I would need, I left. This all took a mere five minutes. I didn’t want Chris coming in to interfere with my leaving. And he didn’t. I drove around Ann Arbor trying to figure out what to do then. When I was able to think clearly, I realized I had just two real options. Call Bridget or call Jeff. I had other friends, but no one that would be able to put me up, at least for the night. I decided to call Jeff first, as I knew he lived in a 2 bedroom house and would be able to let me stay there. I just didn’t know how Brian would feel about it. I pulled into a gas station and dialed Jeff’s number on the pay phone.

Thankfully, he picked up on the first ring. I was shaking so bad at this point, that all I could get out was that I needed him and where I was. He told me to sit tight and that he’d be right there. I got back in my car and started crying, well howling really. I knew I shouldn’t even be behind a steering wheel right now. When Jeff got there (in record time), he got me out of my car and into his. He made sure I would sit tight while he retrieved my bags from my car. I didn’t want to leave my car at some random gas station, but Jeff made me see that I should not be driving in my condition. And since I couldn’t see from so many tears washing over my face, I knew he was right. How I had even made it there was a question in my mind.

Jeff took me back to his and Brian’s house, where he immediately pulled me out of the car and settled me into their guest room/office. I laid down on the bed and was asleep within minutes, possibly seconds. When I woke next, it was 10:00 am Tuesday morning. I had missed Economics and had to get going if I was going to make it to Civil War History. That’s when I realized where I was and what had happened. My head ached so bad, I could hardly see straight. I laid back down and started crying again. I knew I was going to miss Civil War History also, but I just couldn’t find the strength to care. When Jeff got back from his morning classes, he looked in on me. I was sleeping in the same clothes I had had on last night, my hair was completely mussed up, I looked bad. It was 1:00 in the afternoon and he felt he should get me up to at least eat and shower. I resisted doing this as I was still so tired, but he convinced me that I smelled and needed to eat. He even made me laugh a bit, which, to me, was a miracle. He made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while I showered. At least I had my toiletries and a change of clothes with me. After I ate, the phone started ringing.

Jeff answered it and, yes, it was Chris looking for me. Thankfully, Jeff lied and said he hadn’t seen me. Chris, it seemed, was worried as I had never come home last night! Who was he kidding? He’d seen me at 9:00 pm when he had his hands all over “Missy Cheerleader”! God, the nerve. When I calmed down a bit, Jeff asked me about what had happened. I told him all the gory details and he frowned the entire time. Then he gave me a big hug and told me I could stay there with them as long as I needed to.

“But what about Brian?”, I asked, knowing he would never want me there for more than a night or two.

“Don’t worry about Brian. He’s my worry, not yours. Ok?”, he calmly said back to me.

“I don’t want to make things bad for you, Jeff. I can get a Motel room.”

“You’ll do no such thing! We have a perfectly good spare room and you need it. Now, say no more. You’re staying here as long as you need to.” He really was my best friend.

We talked some more about Chris’s behavior last night. Jeff thought he had trouble with drinking. I didn’t know what to think. I was just done. Through. I’d had enough. I didn’t want to be with someone who could do this to me, drunk or not. The way I saw it, drinking only brought out the true you without inhibitions. If he could tongue some girl right in front of me, with his hand up her skirt, then he didn’t have enough respect for me. I truly believed this was his way of getting me to leave. Phone call or not.

Chapter 27 – Break Up

That night, Jeff talked it over with Brian and they both agreed that I would stay there until I could find something else for myself. Brian was actually very decent about the whole thing. It started making me think that it was Chris he hadn’t cared for and not me. He even wanted to know if I would like to have a glass of wine with them in the evening. I graciously accepted and we sat around watching a movie, drinking wine, and eating popcorn together. I was still crying off and on, and excused myself to be alone. Jeff came in to give me a back rub and tell me that everything would be okay. It was sweet, but it didn’t really help me feel better, as I didn’t believe a word of it. Chris called two more times that night and finally, Jeff told him that I was there, was going to stay there, and to please leave me alone for a while. I could hear Jeff’s side of the conversation:

“Chris, she doesn’t want to talk to you right now….”

“Yes, she knows you’ve been calling. She’s pretty shook up and just needs some time…”

“No, do not come over here. She doesn’t want to see you….”

“Well, if you do, then Brian and I will just have to stop you…” I could just see him and Brian trying to keep Chris from coming in. I thought they might actually be able to keep him out.

“I’m sorry Chris. Buddy, you fucked up. Give her some time…..”

“Yeh, I’ll let her know….Yeh, bye.”

I heard a click and Jeff was soon at the door to the guestroom. He knocked and I said to come in. He opened the door and saw that I was in my nightshirt.

“Did you hear then?”, he asked carefully.

“Yes. What did he want me to know?” I was anxious to know, but trying to feel nonchalant.

“He said that he’s sorry. That he was so drunk he didn’t know what he was doing. He said that he’s not going to drink from now on” to which I burst out laughing. That was a laugh! And then I realized he must be hurting. Because for him to swear off alcohol forever was drastic. He loved to drink. He loved the fact that I didn’t really care about it so that I could drive him home when he got drunk. The whole team drank. Like fishes. There was absolutely no way he was going to be able to quit. Oh, he might give it up for a week, but any longer and he’d forget why it was he had sworn it off. What a fucking liar he was.

When I was done laughing, I told Jeff how pitiful that declaration of his was. Not that I had heard it before. But I knew he’d never go through with it. Chris’s “promise” to stop drinking only served to help me see how pathetic he truly was. I was sick of living with a football star, who constantly got his way. I was sick of being “kept” by him. Feeling like I owed him for all that he did for me. I was ready to be on my own. This whole episode only helped me see Chris and my situation for what it truly was. A sham. A charade.

The next day I started to research housing, more student loans, possibly going home. All of my options. That same week I applied for a new Student Loan for room and board. Jeff, Brian and I went around at night to see Studio apartments for rent. The fact that there was even anything for rent was a miracle. I think they were mainly available due to other students leaving mid term. We finally found one that was in my budget, furnished and wasn’t too skanky. It was a basement unit, so the windows were up high, but it was freshly painted and carpeted and bigger than most studios. I signed a 6 month lease, with an option to renew monthly after that. When it came time to move me into it, Jeff and Brian helped me get my stuff out of Chris’s “penthouse”. I also took the items that my mother had contributed to our place. I had to buy linens and kitchen items, but I used my first couple weekends going to Thrift Stores and Garage Sales to find what I needed. Finally, the Student Loan came through. I was going to be in debt until I was 30, but at least I was on my own, taking care of myself.

Chris called Jeff’s place every night I was there. He tried to come over, but Jeff and Brian headed him off at the door. I peeked out the guest room window, which was right next to the walkway. I could see he was crying. His shoulders were slumped over and his hands were over his face. I quickly put the curtains back, lest he see me looking at him. He looked awful. I kept telling myself that I didn’t care anymore. But words are one thing, feelings are another. It was so hard for me to see him in that kind of shape. I was conditioned to care. I knew I should talk to him. But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put myself and him in the same room. I knew how difficult it would be for me to stay strong, to not fall right back into his arms. I still loved him. I still even wanted him. I had to stay away.

Jeff, Brian, and Bridget were the only ones who knew where I lived when I moved into my own place. And they all accepted my admonishment that they must never let Chris know. I told them that when I was ready, I would talk to him. But I wasn’t there, even though it had been nearly a month since the incident. Bridget especially, felt he deserved to at least have an “exit interview”, so that we could talk about what happened and come to some understanding of why I couldn’t be with him. I, for my part, thought it was pretty obvious. But she tried to convince me that Chris did not see it that way. This played on me every day. I thought about him on my way to classes, during my breaks, and when I was alone at home. Chris knew my schedule. I was surprised he never showed up at any of my classes. Maybe he was coming to accept that I didn’t want to see him.

And then one night, around 9:00 pm, I heard a knock at my door. Thinking it must be Jeff, I opened up the door smiling. When I saw who was standing there, I thought about slamming the door in his face, but realized that was really very immature. He was holding a bouquet of roses, carnation and baby’s breath, just like he knew I loved. He held them out for me and I took them from him.

“Come in”, I said quietly as I backed away from the door.

“Thanks”, and he stepped in, looking around as he did so.

I took the flowers to the little kitchenette and found a glass to put them in. I arranged them and filled the glass with water. “How did you find me?”, I asked cautiously.

“Ummm, I had a friend find you from the University.” He looked wary. “I hope you’re not mad.”

“I thought all that University info was supposed to be confidential”, I said, and looked incredulous. “But I guess if you’re a hotshot football player, you can get just about any information.”

He could see the anger in my eyes. He knew he had done wrong again. “I’m sorry, I needed to find you and no one would tell me where you were. I thought about going to one of your classes, but I knew you wouldn’t want me to do that.” He looked pitiful. And I could now see the redness in his eyes and nose. He’d been crying. A lot.

“So, what can I do for you, Chris?” I sounded cold. I was cold.

“I haven’t touched booze since you left” Maybe that was why his eyes were so red.

“Good for you. What can I do for you, Chris?”

“Well, you can tell me why you left me. And what I have to do to get you back.” His voice was pleading.

“You know why I left. And there isn’t anything you can do to get me back.” I stood stock still while we both processed what I had just said. This was it. The end. Go straight to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

“So you left me over one floozy, who I was too drunk to even know what the fuck I was doing with. Is that what you’re saying? Is that how you want this to go down?” He was trying to engage me, but I just wasn’t willing to go there with him. I was done. I had moved on. Even if I still cried every night, I knew I had moved on. And that moving on was going to be best for me in the long run.

“You can see it as one floozy. You can tell yourself it’s because you were so drunk that you didn’t know what you were doing. Blah blah blah Chris. I think we know she was just a symptom.”

“A symptom?” and his voice grew just a tad bit louder. Enough for me to know he was angry and I was going to hear it. “A symptom of what Tina? We had been doing great. I fucked up one time. And the next thing I know, all your stuff is just gone! Like we hadn’t been together for two years. Like I was just some guy you could write off without ever speaking to again. What did I do that was so fucking bad that you decided to write off all that we had together?”

By the time he finished, he was yelling. I had turned away. I didn’t want to have anything to do with his anger. If he needed to be angry, then he could damn well be angry at himself. He came up behind me, so close I could feel his breath on my neck. He lowered his voice substantially and said, “How was what I did worse than your sleeping with Brad Bates, huh? Answer me that Tina. I forgave you after that. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. I did it because I loved you and still do, so much, more than anything else…”. I heard him softly crying behind me. I still could not bring myself to say anything. I just stood there, cold, distant, unaffected. I felt, rather than heard, him turn around. And then the door close. I turned around then, to an empty room, an empty apartment. And in that moment of emptiness, I understood true despondency. I felt I would never, could never love again. I sat down on the floor where I had stood and cried. I cried and cried. For all the goodness that had been Chris and me. For all the potential of us that would never be fulfilled. For the utter loss of my best friend and lover. I missed him more in those moments after he left than I had in the past five weeks of being on my own. I hoped I’d never have to see him again.

Chapter 28 – Tim

As the weeks passed, I immersed myself in my studies, my friends, and my new kitten, Kitty. She kept me company at night, when I felt loneliest. I spent a lot of time either studying at the library or hanging out with Jeff and Brian. On the weekends, when most everyone was at the football game, I went to movies or stayed home by myself. I knew from talk in classes that we were winning most of the games. The school had nicknamed Chris, “Mac” for his last name McIntyre. I didn’t see Chris, but I heard so much about him, that I cursed the day we had ever met. I couldn’t get away from him. Somehow I knew this would happen to me. That we’d break up and I’d be left with having to hear all about how wonderful he is, all over school. I tried to just ignore it, but I found myself listening for snippets about him. I would ask Jeff how the game went and all he would proffer would be “Great, you shoulda come”. Thanks a bunch, fella!

I got fixed up with several guys that fall. Jeff tried to find “just the right guy for me”, but I always had my question as to whether they were gay or not. He would assure me that they were as straight as an arrow, but I wasn’t sure I could trust his judgment. I know, that sounds crazy. But I do think that guys are blind when it comes to sexual orientation, even gay ones. I enjoyed being taken out, wined and dined so to speak. It took my mind off other things. But then, when the date was over, I found myself comparing. Not overtly mind you, but in insidious ways. The way they wore their pants, the size of their shoes, how they did or did not hold the door open for me. Silly things like these drove me crazy. I might have gone out on three dates with the same guy, but after that I couldn’t seem to muster the desire. Jeff or Bridget would find another unlucky loser and there I’d be, on another quest for the unattainable.

I did meet one guy on my own. Tim and I had Organic Chem together. He was smart, pre-med and handsome. I’m sure any girl would have “died and gone to heaven” to go out on a date with him. He asked me out for Halloween and we had a great time dressed up as Salt and Pepper shakers. He took me to a Frat party and I tied one on. Now, I don’t and didn’t get drunk that often. And certainly not on first dates. But Halloween found me ready to let loose and have a good time. And besides, he was driving and told me to have fun. When we finally got back to my place, around 3:00 am, I invited him in. I hadn’t had sex in many weeks and I was drunk, which equals horny. He kissed me goodnight, laughed and said he’d probably kill himself tomorrow, but he couldn’t take advantage of the state I was in. I told him he could, but he insisted that I needed to get some sleep. He said he’d call me tomorrow and left smiling at me. I felt like, “God! What do I have to do to get laid?” But as soon as I got my costume off (which was no easy feat, believe me), I fell into bed and slept until 12:00 the next day.

That next day, on cue, Tim called and asked if I would like to have dinner at his place and study. I didn’t believe in going over to a guy’s place until we had several dates under our belts, but since I hadn’t ever gotten that far, I decided maybe I needed to live a little. Plus, seeing a guy’s apartment and what they can cook is very telling. So I jumped. We planned for 7:00 that night and I spent the rest of the day studying, taking aspirin for my mammoth hangover, and gabbing with friends. Around 6:00, I started to get ready. By 7:00, I was a nervous wreck. I didn’t know what this guy even thought of me after last night. I had practically said, “Fuck me, please” at my door. Would he remember that? Would he want to act on it tonight? I needed a drink. Actually, that was the last thing I needed. But I did bring a bottle of wine with me. I didn’t know what else to bring and wine always goes over well. When he opened the door, he looked good enough to eat. I was glad I had worn a nice pair of khakis and my prettiest pink sweater set. I also put on my black lace undies and bra set, just in case. God, I had no shame!

He took the bottle of wine from me and said, “Thanks, maybe tonight I’ll tie one on and you can turn me down” and we both laughed, although he had much more gusto in his than I did. I guess he did remember. Okay, next. He had homemade Cannelloni baking in the oven, cheese toast, salad and a cheesecake (oh no!) for dessert. It was all absolutely wonderful and I think I complimented him over 10 times while eating. He just smiled and stared. And drank the wine.

“What are you looking at?”, I said. Duh. Can I please take that back?

“What do you think I’m looking at? Do you see another beautiful woman in here?”, he purred.

Okay, now I was ready for that wine he had poured me. I took a swig, yes a swig, and said, “Okay, then if you get to stare at me, then I get to ask a few questions.” I smiled my most lascivious smile.

He leaned back, shook his head once and said, “Shoot.”

“How long has it been?”

“How long has what been?”, he said softly.

“Since you were with a woman”, I demured.

“With, as in sleeping with?”, he asked outright.

“Yes!”, I said.

He looked up and then down at his lap and then up at me. “Four months and ten days” and then he nodded as he thought about it.

“Wow! I never would have thought that long.” I was truly astonished.

“Why? Do you think that’s too long?”, he asked sincerely.

“Well, no. I guess not. But, I see how women look at you. I wouldn’t think you’d have to go two weeks without it.” Open mouth, insert foot.

He blushed and said, “Well maybe some men like for it to be a little bit more than just a random fuck, Tina. I mean, what’s so great about taking a women to bed whom you don’t even know? I can get myself off without all the hassle of bedding a woman and then finding out I really don’t like her.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you, Tim. I just figured with your looks and your intellect and personality, that you’d have found someone you liked sooner.”

This made him smile. And then laugh. I said, “What?”

“Oh, it’s nothing. It’s just not as easy as you might think. But hey, (and he raised his wine glass), here’s to finding Miss or Mr. Right.”

We clinked our wine glasses and then drank and ate and talked some more. I turned down the cheesecake, too many memories there for me to delve into that just yet. When we were done, I helped him clear the table, but he insisted that I not help him clean up. He let the dishes soak as we pulled out our Organic Chem books and went to studying together. We had a quiz coming up so we took turns asking each other questions from the last 3 chapters. At one point, he leaned over and kissed me. It was soft and sweet. And when he pulled back, I asked, “What was that for?”

“Because I’ve been wanting to do that since last night”

“Oh. I see.” And then I smiled because I wanted him to do it again. He took the hint. He pulled me up out of my chair and led me backwards toward the couch. When we got there, he pulled me down onto his lap and we sat like that for a good quarter hour, while we kissed and rubbed each other with our hands. We were both getting hot…and breathless. Unlike him, I did not feel the need to find Mr. Right before I had sex. I wanted to have the feeling of a man digging himself into me, riding me, and making me wet, both inside and out. When I realized where I was headed, I popped up off his lap so I could catch my breath. I did not want to be the one who was desperate and then turned down. He arose and came up behind me. I felt him put his hands on my shoulders and pull me against him.

“What’s the matter?”, he asked breathlessly. I could feel how hard he was up against me.

“I’m not like you, Tim. I can’t just stop myself because it might not be true love. And I haven’t gotten this close to doing anything since I broke up with my boyfriend.” I turned around to look him in the eye.

“What do you want to do with me?”, he said sensuously.

I took a deep breath. “I want to undress you, and fuck you, and let you do anything you want to me.” I blushed as I said it, but it was the truth.

“And then what?”, he asked.

“What do you mean, ‘then what’?”

“Well, when you wake up tomorrow and realize that you just fucked a guy that you don’t really know and definitely don’t love, then what? Are you going to feel bad? Are we going to have to stop seeing each other?” I could tell he was being honest and sincere, but I was losing all of my passion thinking through this. So I decided to turn this on its’ ear.

I spoke in my most sexy voice and said, “Well, I’m hoping that when I wake up, you’ll fuck me in your shower. And no, that won’t make me feel bad. And I wouldn’t want to stop seeing you unless, of course, you feel the need to analyze this until I have no passion left. Because I’m certain we could do that.”

That made him smile and say, “Are you on birth control?”

“Yes, are you disease-free?”

“Yes, just had a check-up last week. Definitely disease-free.” And then he kissed me and picked me up to carry me into his bedroom. There were already two candles burning there.

“Tim, did you plan this?”, I said in my most bewildered and sarcastic tone of voice.

“Well, I wouldn’t say I planned it, but it’s been on my mind since you practically threw yourself on me last night.” And then he placed me on his bed and began to take off my clothes. When he was done with me, he disrobed. I wanted to “ooh” and “ahhh”, but thought better of it. He was gorgeous though. Full of muscles, a light dusting of hair over his chest and down his stomach. A hard, long dick that I knew would feel great pumping inside of me. This was it! I was getting laid. No one had even come remotely close since him. I needed this. I wanted this. I wanted to move on.

And then it happened. I had that single silly thought about moving on. And I knew from what. From Chris. And before you could count to three, I was crying. Softly, at first. In fact, you might have thought I was laughing. I think Tim did. But as I recalled making love over and over to Chris, my tears came down and my sobs got louder and longer. Tim was befuddled, to say the least.

“What’s the matter, Tina? Did I do something? What happened? Are you okay?”, he just kept asking and asking. And I kept crying and crying. All I could do in answer was to shake my head. I sat up and he got me a box of Kleenex. I blew my nose and continued to weep. After a minute or so, I got my clothes back on and tried to catch my breath. I was starting to hyper-ventilate. Tim tried to calm me down, but that only served to make me more despondent. I finally just said, “I’m sorry, Tim. It’s not about you. I just can’t do this. I thought I could. I really wanted to. I just can’t. I’m not ready.” And I got up, went and found my books and my backpack and left his apartment within a matter of a couple minutes. I know he was utterly perplexed. Who wouldn’t be?

When we saw each other at Organic Chem, he was friendly, but distant. I like to think I saved him from getting involved with a crazy, mixed-up girl such as myself. I wondered, too, if I would ever be free. If I would ever be able to move on to a new relationship. I had little hope at this point. I kept to myself from then on. I knew I wasn’t really ready to date. I knew I needed to give myself more time.

Chapter 29 – Injury

The last game of the year was against Ohio State. They were our arch rivals and everyone was going to the game, of course. Jeff coaxed and prodded and would not give up until I agreed to go and sit in Brian’s seat, as he would be back home that weekend. I decided I needed to get over myself, so I agreed to go. Jeff had pretty good seats. They were on the 30 yard line and about half way up from the field, so you could see from a good vantage point. The game was dull. Both teams scored a touchdown in the 1st quarter, but after that, things didn’t really go anywhere for some time. I saw Chris run 50 yards for that touchdown and tried to act nonchalant about it. It was hard to even be this close (or far away) and not feel something for him. In the 2nd quarter, we scored a field goal. The score was 9-7 and the crowd was hopeful. At halftime, Jeff went and got me some popcorn and hot chocolate. Seeing as it was a mere 20 degrees out, he knew he had to atone for making me come here today!

After half time, game play was slow again. Chris was trying to place himself such that Steve Smith could throw to him, but he just couldn’t get rid of OSU’s defensive line.

And then it happened.

It seemed like a blur to me, it happened so fast.

Chris was running, hands out, ready to catch the ball. The ball was falling, falling, coming to him. And then, in the blink of an eye, Chris got caught between two 250-pound linebackers. I could see him get kinda squished and then he was falling and “crack!”, I could have sworn I heard something. I stood up to see what I could. Chris had fallen on another linebacker, his head hitting upon the guy’s helmet. Later, we were to learn that Chris split open his head. He was lying there. He was unconscious. The guys next to us had a radio and we heard the announcer say, “Chris ‘Mac’ McIntyre is down on the ground, folks. He’s not getting up. The trainer, Russ Miller, is coming over and there is a swarm of Michigan and Ohio State jerseys all over him. Oh dear, this does NOT look good. Again, Chris McIntyre has hit his head and is not getting off the field. The trainer is over there. Wait, now I see a stretcher is coming out and an Emergency Vehicle is coming onto the field. I suppose they will take him to the Hospital….” It was at this moment that I went into over-drive. I frantically told Jeff he had to drive me to the Hospital. Had I driven myself to the game, I don’t think I would have even consulted him, but as it was, I needed him. He looked worried as he said, “sure, Tina” and we left the stands as quickly as we could.

It took another 20 minutes to get back to his car and I immediately said, “Turn on the radio, I want to hear where they are taking him”. But, of course, they weren’t giving that information out over the radio.

Jeff smartly asked, “Tina, can’t you get a hold of one of the coaches? Surely, they’re going to know.”

So I made him pull over to the closest gas station and I dialed his Offensive Line coach. I reached his pager, put in the number of the pay phone and within 2 minutes he called me back. I asked Loyd where they were taking him. He told me he thought it was UMHS. I asked him if he could phone over there to get me on the visitor list. He said he’d try. That was all I could ask for now. We got back on the highway and dovetailed around other cars to get over to the Hospital in record time. I was dazed and confused, to say the least. But I knew I had to be there. I was so worried about him. They weren’t telling the extent of the damage on the radio, I doubt they even knew. When we heard Ohio State score another touchdown in the 3rd quarter, we turned the radio off. I’d seen enough of that game to last a lifetime.

When we got to the Hospital, Jeff let me off to go park the car. I dashed into the Hospital and went straight for Admissions. I asked where Chris McIntyre had been taken and she asked if I was family. I said I was his sister and she gave me a room number. When I got to the 6th floor, I found his room immediately, but there were so many nurses and doctors, that I couldn’t get anywhere close to it. I sat across the hall while I heard them working on and conferring about him. I had told Jeff I would try to find his room and then come back for him. Seeing as I couldn’t see Chris yet, I went back down to the waiting room on 1st floor where I had talked with Admissions. There was Jeff standing, waiting for me. I told him what his room number was and that I was going to stay there. He said I should call him when I needed a ride home. I thanked him for bringing me and hugged him tightly before he left. Then I hightailed it back up to 6th floor. This time, when I got there, no one was around. I peeked into Chris’s room and saw that he was hooked up to every possible device known to mankind. He had wires coming out of his head, his chest, his arm, even something on his right index finger. He had a bandage wrapped around most of his head, with just the top hair sticking out and wires coming out of it. He was asleep. Or unconscious. Yes, it was probably unconscious. I stood there and looked at him, laying there helpless. There was a seat next to his bed. It looked like an uncomfortable recliner, but I went over to it and sat down so I could be closer to him. Just then, a nurse came in to take his vitals. She asked me who I was and I told her I was his sister. She bought it. I noticed sitting there that there was a bag hanging down from the side of his bed filling with yellow liquid. Oh, pee. He had a catheter in, of course. Poor Chris, I thought. I hoped it wasn’t anything too serious. And then was caught with how ridiculous that sounded. Of course it was serious. He was unconscious. And not waking up. I asked the nurse what she could tell me. She said, not much. They were going to observe him for a day. They didn’t think he needed surgery, but they were holding off judgment until they could see how he was when the swelling went down. He had a lot of swelling. After she left, I started crying. I took his hand and held it. I cried and held his hand.

After a while, his coaches came in. I told them what the nurse had told me. It wasn’t much to go on, but that’s all I knew. It was kinda “wait and see” at this point. Head Coach Bo conferred with the doctor, who pretty much said that same as I had. Coach told me he’d be back tomorrow and asked me if I needed anything. I told him thanks, but no thanks. I was fine. Of course, I wasn’t fine. I was far from it. I needed Chris to wake up. I needed him to be okay. I didn’t know why I felt I needed to be there, but I couldn’t get myself to leave either. It was pretty clear to me that I loved him and would just about give my life for him. Funny, how these things are made clear. Nothing like a near death injury to give you clarity of thought.

It took two more days, but Chris finally woke up. I wouldn’t leave his side. Jeff had to bring me food, because I refused to even go to the cafeteria. I did use the bathroom in the room, but never for longer than I had to. I refused to shower. I stayed next to his side all the time. His mother got there the day after he was admitted. We hugged and cried and she stayed with him all day too. I convinced her to go to the Motel with Al to sleep. I told her I would call her if he happened to wake during the night. I was sleeping on the uncomfortable recliner in the room. I held his hand all night long. I didn’t feel right if I wasn’t touching him.

So, he awoke after two days. And when he did, he was completely disheveled, unable to focus, weak, and in constant pain from a headache “the size of Wyoming”, he said. But he knew I was there. And smiled. Briefly. I called the nurse in to tell her he had awoken and needed pain meds. She checked his orders and promptly put something into his IV. Within a couple minutes, he was languid and relaxed. I asked how his headache was and he slurred, “Fine, babe.” I called his mother and she came right over. I couldn’t tell if his speech was slurry because of the pain meds or because of the concussion. That was the official name for what he had suffered, a concussion. He was happy to see his Mom and Al. When I said I would come back after he had a chance to visit with them, he held my hand and said, “No, please stay.” I sat back down and stayed put. I could tell from the lack of conversation on his side that he was having difficulty thinking of the words he wanted to say. I figured that was all part and parcel of what had happened to him.

When his Mom and Stepfather went downstairs to eat, he asked what he could have to eat. They had a glucose drip, but I’m sure he was famished, having gone two days without real food. I called the nurse in and she said she’d see about getting a tray sent up. He told her to have them bring two. Then we were alone. His pain meds were wearing off enough that he was more alert. When he told me he needed more, I made sure he got more. He asked me to lie down with him. But with so many wires coming out of him, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing this. I opted to half-sit/half-lie on his left side, where there were fewer wires. He put his arm around me and we lay there just being together with no words to confuse us.

I told him, “I was so worried about you”, and started to tear up.

“No worries”, he said back. Even using his voice was a strain for him. I was made more worried by this.

“You know I love you still. Don’t you?”, I asked.

“Yeh, babe. Me too.” I could hear the fatigue in his voice. I cried in his arms. He kissed the top of my head and pulled me in tighter.

We lay together simply holding each other until his trays of food arrived. He made me eat, saying I looked too thin. I was hungry as it had been a good 12 hours since Jeff had brought me anything. I mostly fed him though. He sat up further in bed and I scooped spoonfuls of food into his mouth. I wasn’t sure whether he was too weak to do this for himself or he just wanted me to minister to him. Either way, I was happy to assist. The doctor came in right after we were done eating. I stepped out to give them some privacy. Chris balked at this, but I told him that the doctor needed to check him out alone. He didn’t like this, but wasn’t going to put up a fight. He was still too tired to do that. When the doctor came out, I asked how Chris was. He said it was still too soon to tell. He explained that some of the swelling in his brain had gone down, but he still had a lot there. He stated that the slurred speech, fatigue, difficulty using his arms and legs were part of the side effects of the swelling. But as the swelling subsided, these symptoms should go away. He was relieved to see that Chris had not had any more seizures since he got to the Hospital. That was a good sign that he was on the mend. I thanked him as I could see he needed to move on to his next patient.

When I went back into Chris’s room, he patted the bed motioning for me to come back over. I sat down on the side of it and we smiled into each others face.

I started, “It sounds like you’re going to be fine.” I continued smiling. “Do you need any pain meds? Are you feeling ok?”, I asked worriedly. I knew it had been a while since the nurse had administered any.

“No, she came in right after Doc”, he got out. I think, had it been anyone other than me or his Mom, they wouldn’t have understood him.

“Good”, I said. He took my hand and held it in his. He looked like this hurt him. I later found out that not only did he suffer a concussion, but he had broken a rib and dislocated his right shoulder.

He pulled me down to where I was lying next to him. I brought my legs up so that I could be completely on the bed. He sighed, breathed deeply and fell asleep. I, too, dozed off. I had barely slept in over two days. I was exhausted.

When I woke up, it was because someone had entered the room. A girl, around my age, came in and set a flowering plant on the dresser by the bed. She was stunning, with long blond hair, an angelic face, a figure that any woman would die for, and a smile that went from here to Georgia. The look on her face spoke volumes. When she saw me, she furrowed her brows and looked thoroughly upset. They were dating, that much was obvious. All it took was that one look for me to know she felt she should have been laying there with Chris, not me. I sat up and introduced myself, hoping she would do the same.

“I’m Caroline. It’s nice to meet you Tina. I’ve, umm, heard a lot, uh, about you. Maybe I should come back later when Chris is awake. Would you mind telling him that I was here?”, and she looked ready to cry. Just then, Chris woke up. He yawned, tried to stretch, thought better of it, and smiled at Caroline. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. Chris tried to hold me back, but I slipped from his grip (which wasn’t strong enough yet to hold me back), and left the room.

I ran down the hall to the waiting room and used the bathroom there. I didn’t want anyone to see me as I started to cry. I should have known! I so should have known. Of course he had a new girlfriend. Of course she was a living angel. Only the best for Chris McIntyre. Why hadn’t anyone said anything to me? His coaches, his Mom, him? God, how stupid could one girl be? I cried and cried. Someone knocked on the door and I knew I had to get out of there. After all, it wasn’t my personal bathroom. I washed my face with cold water, wiped it off with a paper towel and opened the door. Standing there, waiting to get in, was Caroline. I could see the tears in her eyes, the redness of her nose. I knew how she felt. I wanted to hug her, but she pushed past me into the bathroom and I was left in a quandary.

Now what? Should I find a phone to call Jeff so I could get that ride home? Should I confront Chris about his love life? Should I just leave without even seeing him again? How could I do that? How could I profess my love for him one minute and just up and leave the next? I couldn’t. I just could not. So, I walked back to Chris’s private room slowly, trying to think about how I wanted to handle this situation. What could I say? What could I do?

When I reached his door, I knocked. Heck, I didn’t want to walk in on him with any other girlfriend. I wasn’t even sure why I had found Caroline crying in the waiting room. When I heard him say, “Yeh”, I walked in slowly, waiting for him to show me or tell me what I should do. I stood at the foot of his bed and looked at him.

“Not what you think”, he said. He looked me back in my eyes as directly as anyone ever had.

“Then, she’s not your new girlfriend?”, I asked quietly.

“No. We’ve gone out a few times, Tina. Nothing serious.” I could tell it was difficult for him to even get this much out. I didn’t want to push him on this. I didn’t want him to have to explain to me. It really wasn’t my business.

“She’s crying”, I told him.

“So are you”, he said matter of factly. “Come ‘ere” and he motioned for me to come to the side of the bed I had been laying in not five minutes ago.

I hesitated. I said, “I don’t want to get in the way of your life. I know I gave up that right ten weeks ago.” I turned around so he wouldn’t see my fresh tears.

I heard the roughness in his voice. It wasn’t easy to talk. He softly got out, “Shut up and come here.”

I turned back around and went to his left side. He stretched out his hand and I laid back down next to him with his left arm draped around me. He looked down at me and simply said “Up” to my down-turned face. I looked up at his face and he pulled me up to kiss me. When we were done, he slowly said to me, “I have never loved anyone but you, Tina. Caroline knows that. I told her when we started dating that I wasn’t over you. She told me she knew you’d be here. That’s why she didn’t come sooner. There is nothing there between her and me. Not anymore, anyway. Please, don’t cry over her.”

I smiled when he was done talking. It took him a while to get all of this out. When he saw my smile, he pulled me up to kiss again. He tried to reach over with his right arm, but it was too painful. We laid there, with my left arm draped over his stomach and his left arm around my back and shoulders. I heard his breathing get deeper and deeper and, soon enough, he was asleep. I got up off the bed and called Jeff. I asked him to bring some shampoo over so I could take a shower. He asked me how Chris was doing and I gave him the rundown. Thirty minutes later, I was washed, shampooed and eating Hospital food. I hadn’t felt this good in ages.

Chris spent one week in the Hospital. He continued to make progress every day he was there. His speech came back, he was able to walk, his shoulder and rib started to heal, and little by little he weened himself off the pain meds. His coaches came every day to check on him and give him trouble. They had lost that game against Ohio State and wouldn’t let him off the hook, jokingly of course. His Mom stayed until he was back at home. Al had had to go back to work, but she wasn’t going anywhere until her baby was out of the Hospital. Jeff and I helped him get back into his apartment. I dawdled, cleaning up a little, pulling down his bed in case he wanted to get into it, doing nothing, waiting for Jeff to leave. I asked him to wait a few minutes to see if I came down. I didn’t know if Chris would want me to stay and help him or if he felt he could simply take care of himself. He was still sore with the cracked rib and even the dislocated shoulder still gave him trouble. The bandages from his head were taken off the day before, but he needed to wash his hair and make sure it didn’t start bleeding again. Before Jeff left, he made sure Chris was comfortable in his new recliner. I still didn’t have my car, but that was okay. Jeff told me to call him if I needed him, for anything. I nodded and gave him a hug goodbye.

When Jeff closed the door, I turned around and stood there. Chris and I looked at each other from across the room that had, for so many months, been shared by us.

He started, “Hey, come here.” He motioned for me to sit next to his recliner, on the loveseat.

I sat down and looked into his deep blue eyes. I couldn’t say anything yet. I didn’t even know what I had to say.

So he did. “Will you stay with me?”

“Do you want me to?”

“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t”

“Until you are recuperated?”, I asked, because I needed to know what he had in mind.

“At least. God, Tina. I just don’t want you to leave, okay? I don’t know anything about us right now. I nearly fucking died. I just want you here. Can we just agree to that?” I could tell he was getting upset, irritated.

“So, let me get this straight. We’re agreeing that I should stay here until…..?”

“Until you or I want you to leave.”

“No.” I could not agree to anything as nebulous as this. Was I going to move my stuff back in? Was I just going to bring over a change of clothes and toiletries like I was on vacation? And how long was it going to be until “he or I wanted me to leave”?

“No?”, the look on his face was one of incredulity.

“No, I don’t want to stay here like I’m on vacation. And I’m not moving back in until you decide you don’t want me here. I can’t do that, Chris. I can’t be in limbo like that. I’ll stay a week. I’m going to have Jeff come get me so I can get my car. And then I’ll get enough clothing and toiletries to last one week. At the end of that week, we can talk about what we want to do from there.”

“Okay”, he said resignedly. And then he smiled that big Chris McIntyre smile of his. I smiled back, not quite so unabashedly as he, but smiling nevertheless. I ordered out Pizza for him as he was “starving”, and once it arrived, I called Jeff to come get me so I could get my car and belongings.

Once I put my things away, I got down to studying. Chris’s coaches had cleared me from missing classes for a week, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have to play “catch up” now. Thankfully, fellow students from each class had volunteered to copy me their notes, so I didn’t end up missing that much. Chris’s tutor had kept him up to snuff in his classes, so he didn’t have much to do except meet with Rajid to go over what he had missed. He had it so easy. I, on the other hand, had quizzes coming up that I had to study for. So, while Chris watched TV, I went up to the study loft and spread books and notes all over the place. Around 8:00 pm, Chris asked me to help him get in the shower. He had taken a couple showers at the Hospital, but they never wanted him to wash his scalp until he was home. They were afraid it would re-open the gash on his head and it would start to bleed. I thought the nurses should have cleaned it there, but they insisted he could do it at home. So, I helped him into the shower and sat him down on the built-in ledge to wash his hair. I used the baby shampoo the Hospital had supplied and gently massage it into his scalp, trying my hardest to not re-injure him. I stayed outside the shower, pulling the curtain back as I needed to. I could tell he was less than satisfied with this arrangement, but I was unwilling to get naked with him. And besides, I could do everything I needed to from this vantage point. When we were done shampooing, he stood and washed the rest of him. I made sure he was able to do this left-handed as he still had difficulty using his right arm. I toweled him off and felt him get hard as I did so. God, what a horn dog he was! I helped him on with his sweatpants and left to get ready for “lounging” myself. I decided to stay up in the loft. There was a couch there that I had used for studying and it would be big enough for me to sleep on. I got a top sheet of his and folded it in two, so that half was under me and half over me. I found an extra throw for a cover. I was set. I heard a pair of feet climbing the stairs to the loft and turned around to see Chris staring at my little set-up.

“Do you really want to sleep up here?”, he asked, looking a bit put out.

“Yes”, I said succinctly.

“Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable sleeping in bed with me?”, and he smiled cause he knew the answer to that.

“No!”, I said and laughed sarcastically. “In fact, I don’t think I’d get much sleep if I were in bed with you.” Touche.

“Point taken”, he said softly. And then he moved forward, so that he was towering over me. “But I still want you in my bed with me”, he insisted. He reached out his good left arm and enveloped me with his body. He reached down and pulled me to him as close as two people could possibly be, he kissed me long and hard and deep.

“Mmmm”, I moaned into his mouth. He twirled his tongue around mine and tasted me like he hadn’t in several months.

When he finally let his lips leave mine, he shuddered and said, “I want you so fucking bad, it’s not even funny. You cannot sleep up here and expect me to get any sleep down there.”

“Then should I leave?”

He pulled slightly away and said, “No, you should NOT leave.” He pulled me back to him in that instant. And I could feel how hard he was. I could see a tent forming in his pants. I could tell he wanted to pick me up, take me downstairs, and ravish me. But he was still too weak to do any of that. Plus, his right shoulder hurt too much to afford him the ability to carry me anywhere. What he resorted to was pushing me down onto the couch I had just made up for my bed, and pushing himself into me as we kissed like there was no tomorrow. I smiled as we made out.

He finally asked, “What?”

I asked back, “What what?” and continued to smile that little devilish smile of mine.

“Why are you smiling like that? You know you are driving me crazy”, and he reached down to kiss my neck.

“I’m thinking how much fun it would be to see you stay awake all night long.”

“Oh yeh?” he said, rather than asked. Right then, he had a little pay-back in mind as he pulled up my night shirt and found my breasts. He sucked on my nipples, first right then left, to get me hot and bothered, just like he was. I was so ready. I wanted him to fuck me right there and then. It had been so long. I tried not to think about how long it had been for him.

I pulled his pants down and started stroking his shaft, while he pulled off my panties and rubbed my clit. I spread my legs when he did this and said, “I want you”.

That was all he needed. He jammed me with his big, stiff dick and I was immediately filled with his swollen, thick member, up to the end of my vagina. I loved feeling him fill me up. He used his left arm to wrap around my back and pull me to him while he pumped me back and forth on that small couch. I locked my arms around his neck so I could hold on as he went faster and faster. I eventually had to place my hands against the side of the couch to prevent me from being pushed into it. As he came, he arched his back, shuddered his pelvis and dug into me one, two , three, four times. “Ohhhhhhh yeh, fuck me Tina”, he yelled out. He fell against me with all his weight and we lay there for several minutes while we both caught our breaths. Then he did what Chris had always done when he had satisfied himself. He moved down, took my clit in his mouth and licked on me until I was releasing into his mouth. I yelled, “Oh God, that’s so fucking good, Chris” and he smiled as I came over and over again. I hadn’t come like this in so long. Not since the last time I had been with him.

And, just like clockwork, I started to cry. I couldn’t help myself. I wanted this so bad, but I also didn’t want it to end. I couldn’t even remember why we weren’t together. None of it made any sense. I had missed him so badly, for so long. And I couldn’t tell you, in that afterglow, why.

When he heard me start to cry, he pulled himself up to hold me as tightly as he could. He kissed my neck, my cheeks, my lips. He “shhhh”ed me in that sweet sweet heartfelt way of his And he rocked me back and forth to help soothe me.

When I could talk, I said, “I can’t do this again, Chris. I can’t fall in love with you and lose you again.”

He said softly into my ear, “Shhhh, it’s okay. I have never stopped loving you, Tina.”

And when I didn’t say anything, he asked, “Can you tell me that you fell out of love with me?”

I saw his point. I hadn’t fallen out of love with him. Making love again was simply a continuation of what we had before. Like no time had elapsed at all.

I replied, “No, I can’t tell you that, because I haven’t ever stopped loving you. But, unlike you, I haven’t had sex since I left you.” I waited for his reply, but it didn’t come. Typical. I got up from being under him and went downstairs. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up and stayed there thinking about his non-reply. I knew he’d probably been with other girls. I wasn’t stupid. But having it confirmed for me tonight, after making love to him, was almost too much to bear. I heard a knock on the bathroom door. I opened it up to find Chris standing there, looking remorseful and loving.

“I’m sorry Tina. I want to tell you that I remained faithful. But I didn’t. I can tell you this, though. I kept trying to find you in the women I dated. I kept trying to accept that you didn’t love me, that you weren’t coming back. But I couldn’t. I never stopped missing you and I never stopped loving you. The other girls were just distractions from the person I wanted most in my life.”

I was crying by the end of his words to me. He grabbed me to him and just held me while I cried like a baby. I wasn’t sure if I was crying more over him being with other girls or by the fact that he loved me more than anyone ever had. And it wasn’t as if I hadn’t wanted to make love to another man. Lord knows, I had. But, of course, I had not. And he had. How many times was I going to have to forgive him for his indiscretions? Oh wait, I had left him. I guess I really didn’t have a leg to stand on. He was simply trying to move on. Still, I felt like forgiveness was needed here. And not just from me to him.

“I’m sorry I left.” I looked up into his eyes as I said this and he reached his head down to kiss me.

“I’m sorry I made you”, he said in reply. “You know I quit drinking, right?”

“Yeh, you told me. Are you still sober?”

“Yes. I joined AA. Been going to a couple meetings a week and, so far, it’s not been all that difficult. I even found a sponsor.”

“What’s that?”, I asked, never having been to a 12-step program before.

“It’s just someone to help you work the steps. Someone to talk to as you maintain sobriety. I can tell you this, I feel a heck of a lot better sober. I didn’t know how bad I felt when I was drinking. But, now that I’m not drunk every night, I feel a lot better, both physically and mentally.” And before I could respond, he said, “I’m so glad you’re here, Tina. I’ve missed you so damn bad.”

I smiled up at him and said, “I’ve missed you too.”

And with that, he led me over to his king-sized bed and we lay down together. He was tired, I could tell from his eyes. The pain that he still had to deal with got the better of him. And he didn’t want to take pain meds if he could stay away from them. He was worried about getting too “used” to them. He fell asleep holding me, but in true Chris form, moved over to spread out as he drifted into a deeper sleep. I went back up to the loft to sleep, feeling like I needed to have my own space. I wasn’t used to sleeping with Chris and wasn’t sure I wanted to get used to it so quickly. We still had a lot to work out.

I stayed for a week. I took care of him, helping him wash, study, and dress. I cooked for him, cleaned up a little, and generally made sure he was looked after. We made love every day that week and it was sheer bliss for both of us. Since Ohio State was the last game of the regular season, he didn’t have practice or training every day. When it came out that Michigan would be going to the Blue Bonnet Bowl, Chris was downhearted at this news. He had thought they were going back to the Rose Bowl, but because they had lost to Ohio State, it was now between them and Iowa.

When the week was up, I gathered up my clothes and toiletries and, while Chris was away studying with a friend, I left. I left him a note saying, “I’ve gone home. My phone number is 224-3821 if you need to reach me. Glad you’re feeling better. Love, Tina”. Around 4:00 that afternoon, my phone rang.

“Why did you leave?”, he asked abruptly. I could always tell when Chris was angry. He wasn’t good at holding it back.

“Well, I told you I would stay a week. And I did. And you don’t need me anymore. You can pretty well take care of yourself.” I was very matter-of-fact.

“But I thought we were going to talk about it after a week. I didn’t know you were just going to up and leave without so much as a ‘goodbye’.” He was trying to rein in his anger. He sounded almost scared to me.

“I’m sorry. I just felt I needed to get back to my own life. Besides I was out of clothes and toiletries.”

“I thought you wanted that life to be with me. And besides, you could wash your clothes here.”

“I never said I was moving back in, Chris. And I didn’t want to do my clothes there like I was moving back in. I’m sorry.”

“God, Tina. I am too.” And I heard him sigh in defeat. “Can I see you some time soon?”, he asked, not knowing quite what was going on between us.

“Yes. I just need to study for finals right now….Why don’t we make a date for the last day of finals? We can go out to dinner and a movie?” I was trying to sound upbeat.

“Okay. Yeh. That sounds good. Next Friday then?”

“Yeh, I’ll call you next Thursday, okay?”

“Okay. Bye until then” and I could hear in his voice a sadness which I hadn’t heard for some time. Like he was losing me all over again. But that wasn’t how I felt. I just needed some time to regroup. Being with him, so close again, making love every day again, had spun my head around so fast, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I was overwhelmed, a feeling I had often had with Chris. He could occupy all my thoughts, my entire body and my whole being. And I didn’t want to give into that so easily. I was afraid of being with him so fully. I was wary of losing myself in him again so quickly.

Chapter 30 – Come Back

The next day, there was a knock at my door. I thought it might be Jeff or Bridget since I hadn’t seen them in a while. But instead, there was a bouquet of flowers held out for me. It was so large, that the delivery guy was dwarfed by them. I laughed at the size of the arrangement, they almost reminded me of something you’d see at a funeral. I told the man to put them on the breakfast table for me. I showed him out and then looked for a card. There were lilies, daisies, roses in every imaginable color, carnations, even irises and sunflowers. I finally found a card on the backside. I opened it up and the card simply read, “Come Back Soon.” I smiled at this since I knew this had to be from Chris. No one else would have had the gall to spend that much on a bouquet of flowers for me. I put the card down and noticed that the little envelope still felt like it contained a card in it. I looked and, sure enough, there was another card. I took it out and read the one word written on it in his “chicken scratch”. It said “Please”. For some reason, this made me start laughing and crying at the same time.

That night Chris called around 9:00. When I answered the phone, I heard his familiar voice saying, “Did you like them?” No “Hi” or “Hello”, just “Did you like them?” Of course, I did. How could a woman not like a bouquet of flowers so big as to take up an entire table? They were a bit overdone, but then Chris was a bit overdone.

“I love them”, I said quietly.

And then, without any regard for the deal we had made the night before, the one about us waiting to see each other until next Friday, he asked, “Can I come over?”

I asked back, “How soon can you get here?” and all I heard was a click. He hung up the phone and was over at my apartment within ten minutes. When I opened the door, he stood there with not a lick of clothing on, just a backpack slung over one shoulder.

I think my eyes popped out at seeing him naked and smiling down at me.

“Get in here!”, I exclaimed as I pulled him in so no one would see him. I was a bit shocked, to say the least. He simply smiled and let himself be led into my apartment.

“I cannot believe you”, I said under my breath. He pulled me into his arms as soon as we were into the apartment and he kicked the door closed with his heel. As we stood there kissing, he pulled my shirt off, unfastened my bra and then went to work on my jeans and panties. Once he had me nude, he pulled me over to the bed and mounted me. We continued to kiss sloppily as he rammed himself into me over and over again. He finally pulled his lips away from mine to speak.

“I need you”, he said raggedly. “I can’t stay away from you, Tina.” He moved faster and faster and finally cried out as he came within me, “Oh God! That’s so good, babe. That’s so fucking good.”

For my part, I just smiled and moaned as he came. I couldn’t deny how good it felt when we were together. I knew I needed him too. But I wasn’t ready to say it out loud.

When he was spent, he rolled over and caught his breath. And then went to get me a towel. He placed it under me and kissed my belly button. This always made me laugh and he smiled up at me. But it wasn’t a sweet smile, no. It was a devilish grin and I knew exactly what it meant. In the next instant, he was licking and sucking on my clit and I was writhing underneath him. He flicked his pointed tongue on my most sensitive spot and within a short while, he had me coming in his mouth. He smiled as I released and shuddered under him. Then, he turned me over and started on me all over again. At one point, he lifted me up so that we were kneeling together. He liked this, as he could reach around me and play with my tits while he fucked me. But, when he was ready to come, he would push me down to all fours again and pump me so fast, that I had to hang onto the covers for dear life! My god, he was so powerful. When he had filled me up with come, he pulled me over so that we were laying on our sides spooning. He wrapped me in his arms and we lay there for a long time, just holding onto each other. Eventually, I shifted around so that we were facing each other. I tucked my face into his chest and listened to his heart beat. He pulled my legs into his with his calves and we laid pretzeled together while we drifted off to sleep.

When we woke up, it was morning. Incredibly, we had stayed wrapped up in each other through the night. Chris had an early class and had to go, so he dressed, brushed his teeth (he had brought clothes and his toothbrush with him), and told me he’d call me later. I didn’t have class until 2:00 pm so I went to studying. Finals were quickly approaching and I wanted all A’s this semester. I made a late breakfast and heard the doorbell ring. All I could think was “uh oh”.

When I answered the door, a different delivery guy smiled at me. He held a box out for me. I signed for it and took it inside. When I opened it up, there were 12 gorgeous blush pink roses laid out in rows of 3 and a card. The roses were breathtaking. Longest stems, full, big heads, sweetest smell I think I’ve ever smelled. The card read, “Thank you.” Nothing else. Simple. I quickly went to work on putting the flowers in a vase. I put them on my end table as the breakfast table was already taken over by yesterday’s arrangement.

Chris called me at 7:00. When I answered the phone, I heard him simply say, “Come to dinner with me”.

“I can’t”, I replied.

“Why not?”, he pushed.

“Because I have to study. And thank you for the roses. They are gorgeous.”

“I’m glad you like them. Can I come over later? When you’re done studying?” Pushy.

“Not if you’re going to show up naked”, and I laughed thinking about how he had stood there, in plain sight of anyone walking by, with his dick as hard as a stick. A big stick.

“I promise to keep my clothes on. Til I get inside.” Well, at least he was honest.

“I might answer the door, but NOT before 11:00.” I was adamant.

“See you then.”


“Mmm, bye”, and he hung up. Why was it that I could not resist this man? Oh, what was I saying? I knew why I couldn’t resist him.

When he arrived, he brought his backpack again. And a piece of cheesecake. We shared this after our second time making love. And then took a shower together. Which was pretty funny since it was a single person stall. He grabbed me, held me up and pushed himself into me while the shower rained down on us. And he talked to me, in his sexiest voice, the entire time he fucked me.

“Do you like this?”, he started.

“You know I do”, I replied.

“Do you want me to do this for a long long time?”

“Mmm, yeh, I do”

“Can I suck on your tits while I do you like this?”

“Ohhhh, please do”

“Yeh” and he reached down with his mouth and captured my nipple in his mouth. He pulled on it with his lips and ringed his tongue around it. I moaned into the water spraying down on me as he filled me up with his body and his mouth.

“You’ve got such nice big tits, Tina”

“And you’ve got such a nice big dick, Chris” and while I talked to him, he lost his ability to respond while he pounded into me. He came hard and long. And when he was done, he gently put me down. He continued to lean into me, holding my hands above my head while he kissed me passionately.

I smiled and said, “Did you like that?”

“What do you think?”, he smiled back.

“I think you love making love to me”, I said sweetly.

“Then you would be correct, madam”, he said in his lowest voice possible, which made me laugh and him grin.

We washed each other, shampooed, rinsed and got out. He toweled me dry and told me he couldn’t stay the night. I tried not to be disappointed. After all, I was the one unwilling to move back in with him. I got ready for bed and he got ready to go.

We kissed at the door and he said he’d call me tomorrow. He asked if we could go out and I told him I had a dinner date with Bridget already planned. He didn’t like that, but he knew I needed to see my friends, so we planned on possibly getting together afterwards.

The next day, like clockwork, a delivery man knocked on my door and held out a square box for me. I was a bit perplexed as it didn’t look like any flowers could be contained in such a box. I signed for it, tipped him this time, and took the box into my studio apartment. I sat down on my bed and took the lid off. Inside, was another box. I quickly took the lid off of it. Inside, was another box. This went on for eight boxes! Then, finally, I got down to a small square box and inside it was a gray velvet ring box and a card.

The card said, “Will you marry me?” and the ring box was empty.

What a trick to play on me! I didn’t know whether I wanted to laugh, be angry, or jump for joy! My first reaction was simply, “Yes”. And then I realized that this was not how I wanted to be asked to marry. I wasn’t going to react. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction. Besides, we had a lot of things to talk about and we hadn’t been doing a lot of talking. I wasn’t going to even move back in with him until I had some things sorted out.

I tried to study for my finals and put the question out of my mind. It wasn’t easy.

When I saw Bridget that night, she immediately asked me how Chris was doing. I gave her an update on his injuries and our relationship. I told her how we had been together every night since he was injured. I told her about the flowers and the ring box with the ten-thousand-dollar question inside. She agreed that that was no way to be asked to marry someone. Although, it was kinda sweet, in her opinion.

“So why haven’t you moved back?”, she asked straight-forwardly.

“Because I’m not sure I want to”, I said and realized right away that that wasn’t entirely true. I did want to, I just didn’t want to without working a few things out.

“Why don’t you want to?”, she asked, in her matter-of-fact way.

“Bridge, I just don’t know if I can trust him. I mean, we have never really talked about why Candace was on his lap that night. Why would he do that to me?” and when I saw her start to talk, I quickly said, “Now don’t tell me because he was drunk. I’m not buying it. Bridget, it’s one thing to be drunk, it’s entirely another to have your hand up another girl’s skirt and your tongue down her throat!” I was angry by the time I ended my tirade.

“Tina, calm down, okay? I know where you’re coming from. I do. I just think that eventually you are going to have to get over your anger and forgive him. Yes, he fucked up. Yes, guys can be such jerks. But, if you are going to get back together…”

“I’m not sure we are…” I cut in.

“And yet, you are sleeping together every night? Gimme a break.” She smiled her knowing “I got your number” smile and I couldn’t help but grin back.

“Okay, yes, I think we will get back together. But, can’t I make him squirm a little bit first? And he does have explaining to do.”

I continued, “The only problem is, I’m not sure he even knows why he did what he did. You know the whole Homecoming fiasco, right?” She nodded. “Well, there was a good reason then. It took six months for us to finally talk about it, but we ended up going to counseling. And, I’m kinda wondering if we don’t need to do that again.”

“Maybe you do”, Bridget said sympathetically, “Would that be so bad?”

“No, I guess not. Not if it would help us work through this.” I paused and then said, “I’m probably not supposed to say this, but Chris is going to AA. He’s stopped drinking all together.”

“Well, that’s great, Tina” and when I didn’t respond, she added, Don’t you think so?”

“Yeh, I do. I do. I’ve been wondering if maybe I should go to that group for family and loved ones of alcoholics.”

“You mean Al-Anon?”

“Yeh. Bridget, would you go with me? Just for the first one?”, I implored her.

“Yeh, I’d be happy to go with you. Just let me know when it is and we’ll go together. Tina, I know you and Chris will work this out. You two are just meant to be together. So, what are you going to say to his ‘question’?”

“You mean the marriage proposal? Nothing! He’s got to get down on one knee and show me the ring before I’ll answer him!”

“And then?”, she smiled.

“I don’t know….”

And then I asked her about John and how long distance was working for them. He had taken a 2nd string quarterback position with the Raiders and they only saw each other twice a month, when he could fly across the country to see her. She said they were hanging in there, but I could tell it was strained. They had gotten engaged at the end of last year and were hoping they could ride it out while she finished her last year at Michigan. They wee planning a big wedding in Dearborn where she was from. I hoped they made it. I was sure it was difficult being away from each other.

When I got home that night, the phone was ringing. I picked it up and heard Chris say, “Can I come over?” like he had something he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to say it over the phone. I said, “Sure” and he hung up. He knocked on my door ten minutes later. When I answered it, he immediately picked me up and kissed me on the way to the bed. He was ravenous for me. He didn’t even bother with our tops, he just quickly took off our pants and fucked me fast and furiously.

As he pumped me, he spoke, “I’ve missed you today….More than usual…” And then, just as suddenly as he took me, he stopped. He pulled out and turned around to sit on the end of the bed, facing away from me. This was entirely unlike him. I couldn’t remember a time when he had stopped making love to me. He was slumped over.

I sat up behind him and said, “What’s the matter?”

He waited a while before he spoke, and when he did, it was strained, “I’m sorry Tina. I know I don’t deserve you. I wanted to ask you in person, but I was so afraid of what you would say. I know I shouldn’t have sent you that empty box and a card. I’m such a fucking moron sometimes. Can you forgive me?” and he turned around, with tears in his eyes, to look at me.

I blinked several times to clear my eyes and said, “Of course. Chris, I…”, but I was at a loss for words. I really didn’t know what to say. Of course I could forgive a silly thing like his “empty box” stunt. I think I even knew that that was his way of “feeling me out”. But I wasn’t sure I could forgive his being with another woman. Both behind my back and in front of me.

And before I could convey any of how I was feeling or what I was thinking, Chris got down on one knee by my bedside, naked from the waist down.

He reached into his jeans which were next to him on the floor, pulled out a carat solitaire diamond ring and said, “Tina, will you please please do me the honor of becoming my wife and remaining my wife for the rest of our lives?” He looked up into my eyes, tears still leaking slowly from his and smiled, a hopefully sweet smile.

I looked from his eyes to the ring to his eyes again and simply said, “Yes”.

In that instant, he leaped off the floor, circled me with his big, muscular arms and said, “God, Tina, I will never make you regret saying that. I’ve made some really stupid mistakes with us. And I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart, but you will NOT regret making me your husband.” And then he kissed me as deep and as passionately as he has ever kissed me.

When we let go of our kiss, I said, “Chris, will you put the ring on my finger?”

He laughed and said, “Of course, babe. I forgot I even had it!” He caught my left ring finger with his right hand and placed the ring on it. It fit perfectly. I found out later, he had taken one of my rings that first night we were in my apartment and sized this ring to it.

The ring was absolutely beautiful. Very plain, simple, but large and sparkly.

Unfortunately, we still needed to talk and I felt there was no time like the present.

“We need to talk, Chris.” I started.

He had dried his eyes and was looking at me lovingly. “Okay. Yeh, I know.”

I continued, “I want to move back with you. I really do. I want us to work things out. But, I’m having a really hard time getting over how I came to find you with Candace that night. I know you were drunk, but I just can’t let it go at that. You’ve been drunk lots of times, but I never found you with your hand up a girl’s skirt or your tongue down her mouth. I’m just having a hard time feeling like I can trust you again.” I stopped there because I didn’t want to be the only one talking. Chris had to have more to say than I did.

He swallowed, looked down and then back up at me, and said “I’ve thought long and hard about that night, Tina. And I even put a call into Rick back home. We’ve had a few phone sessions. He was the one who suggested I go to AA. The best we could figure out about that night was that I was trying to push you away. I’m still not sure why I would do that. But that’s what it did, so maybe that was my intention. I do know that I was feeling a lot of pressure to perform on the team. Things have been really bad this year. And the stupid thing is, I needed you more during this time than ever before. I guess, in a way, it’s good that I proved I was able to get along without you. You know, I’m not as strong as you.”

I cut in, “Are you sure we’re supposed to be together? I mean, maybe you are better off without me…” I was scared to think this could be true, but I had to voice it.

“No. I have never thought that”, he responded. “I just think I have more growing up to do. I can’t imagine my life without you, Tina. That’s why I want you to marry me. I know you probably want to wait until we graduate, but I wanted you to have my ring. I want you to know how serious I am about us. I’m not saying it’s going to be all roses and tulips, but I know I’m not going to do anything stupid like that again.”

“I wish I could trust that”, I said sadly.

“I’m just going to have to prove it to you. But, Tina, one thing is for sure, I’m not drinking. And I’m doing really well with that. I’m going to meetings, I’ve got a sponsor, I’m working the steps.”

“I was thinking of going to Al-Anon. Bridget said she’d come with me to the first meeting”

“I think that’s great! I think maybe that would help you understand me better, too.” I could tell he was excited that I would consider doing that. To him, it showed my level of commitment.

I pulled him back into my arms and kissed him tenderly. He responded in kind with pulling me closer to him and falling with me back onto the bed. He straddled me and before long, he was entering me and making love to me. I loved the feeling of our lovemaking that night. It was ferocious, but sweet all at the same time. We couldn’t get close enough. We kissed the entire time. No talking was heard, until he came and then he cried out “Oh yeh, baby. That’s so fucking good. You give it so nice” which always made me giggle. Then he would tickle me for giggling and I would laugh even more. I would stop laughing when he made his way down to my clit. He’d lick all the laughter out of me. Then, all I could mutter would be “Ohhh” and “Ahhh” and finally, “Coming” to let him know. He loved to hear me tell him that. He loved having such power over my body.

I stayed in my apartment for another three days. I told Chris I wanted to stay until after my finals were over. On that fourth day, however, Jeff came over to help me pack up. He was worried for me, but he was there to help me nevertheless. When I showed Jeff the ring, he was impressed, and when I told him we were going to wait until we had graduated to marry, he was relieved. I don’t think Jeff trusted Chris as far as he could throw him. He liked Chris, but he wasn’t ready to forgive him for what he had done to me. I couldn’t blame him. I wasn’t even sure I was ready. But, I reassured Jeff that I could and would take care of myself. I told him that I was not going to live in fear of when the next “fiasco” would occur, but I wasn’t going to close my eyes either. We hugged before he left and I said I would call him over Christmas break.

When Chris came by that night after practice, he brought two of the offensive linemen and a truck. That’s all it took to get me moved back to his place. I didn’t have to lift a finger! That night, we made love in every part of the apartment. I wasn’t ready to call it “our apartment” and he could tell I was skittish about falling right back into our previous domestic life. But, over time, he worked on me and I found myself growing more and more comfortable as the days went by. I stayed in Michigan over the break as I wanted to be with Chris. Besides, there wasn’t much for me at home. I called my girlfriends every few weeks to keep in touch, but I didn’t miss them like I had before. Chris had to train double-time due to his injury. Plus, he and Steve were doing more practices to get ready for the Blue Bonnet Bowl. I think the entire team could have cared less about this Bowl, but I kept saying “At least you’re going to a Bowl game, so don’t whine to me”. This kept his grumbling down to a mild roar. I planned to go to Houston to watch him play.

Chapter 31 – Christmas Break #2

I flew down on the same airplane this time as the team. Coach made an exception, or rather disregarded that I was there. I sat away from the team, but Chris was able to come sit next to me for most of the flight. I had gotten a room in the same hotel and spent most of my time reading, while Chris was practicing.

The game was touted as the “Mini Rose Bowl” that year. We played and beat UCLA 34-14. Chris only scored one touchdown, but he was happy at the overall performance of his team and the quarterback in particular. We went to the Blue Bonnet Ball that New Years Eve night and his teammate, Butch Woolfolk, got the MVP award. Everyone was pleased with this choice, as he was a senior and had been phenomenal in rushing. One of the things that I most admired about Chris was that he didn’t try to steal the lime-light. When he was MVP, he was humble, but proud. Now that Butch had taken that title, he was congratulatory and happy for him. I know some guys would have moped or, worse, grumbled and griped. Chris didn’t do any of that. We left the dance a little early so I could show him how proud I was of him. We “danced” in our room until the wee hours. He sneaked back down to his room around 5:00 am and then they were awakened at 7:00. We flew back to Michigan on New Years’ morning and spent the rest of the day sleeping, eating and making love. A great way to bring in the new year.

We had two more weeks of vacation and spent it lazily. We picked our courses for Spring semester, watched way too much TV, read and walked around campus. His mother and Al came to visit for a few days and we all went to Detroit for a day of shopping and eating. It was fun to see Valerie again and she was impressed with the ring Chris had gotten me. She told me she was happy to welcome me into the family and would help out with any wedding plans I wanted her to do. I told her it was a long way off, but thanked her for her kindnesses. When she and Al left, we kinda breathed a sigh of relief. It was just the two of us again and we could be lazy and slovenly and totally wrapped up in each other. It was over the Holiday break that I started going to Al-Anon. Bridget was gone, visiting John in Oakland, so I went by myself. Chris said he’d go with me, but I decided I could do this on my own. I was intrigued by the meeting, but I didn’t go back for another month. I just wasn’t ready to immerse myself in the whole “alcoholic recovery” scene. I wasn’t sure that I even bought that Chris was an alcoholic. He told me I was in denial. Okay, maybe I was. But I wanted to believe that he was “normal”, even if I didn’t quite know what that term truly meant.

When Jeff got back from Christmas Break, we compared our schedules and saw that we were both taking Chem 2 together. I was glad we had a class together as this was our main way of keeping in touch. He was still a bit worried about me being back with Chris and, although I couldn’t blame him as he had seen me at my most depressed, I had to try and reassure him that I was okay. When I called Bridget and told her all about my engagement, she was thrilled. She knew that Chris and I were meant to be together and I appreciated her enthusiasm. My other girlfriends were jealous and happy for me.

This semester was one of my easiest and most carefree at Michigan. Except for Chem 2, which Jeff tutored me through, my other courses were all Level 1 courses. I was still struggling with what my major would eventually be, so I took a couple business courses and a Sociology course. I was leaning towards Chemistry as my major, but wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with it once I graduated. And it didn’t help having Chris tell me on a monthly basis that I wouldn’t have to work after college. I knew one thing. I wanted to graduate with some degree that I could use if I wanted to work and I had to make sure I could graduate by the end of summer 1982. This latter stipulation was made by Chris, since this was when he would hopefully be going Pro. But after this last football season, he wasn’t at all sure he would get picked up in a draft pick. I kept telling him not to worry about it so much. It wasn’t the end of the world if he stayed at Michigan four years. I even tried to convince him that he might have a better go at going Pro if he were to wait the extra year. He wasn’t buying any of it though.

This semester, the coach had him and Steve Smith working out together more. He wanted them to fine tune their passing/catching plays. I saw Chris a lot more than I had Fall Semester, but he was still practicing and training daily. And with the two AA meetings he went to weekly, we had more time apart than we had last Spring. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I continued to develop the friendships that I had made and study in peace and quiet. And when Chris would get back home, I would teasingly offer myself to him or plain out ravish him in turns. Something funny happened around this time. I noticed that, more often than not, Chris would either stop after one go at sex or beg off entirely. I decided early on that I was not going to make a big “to do” about this. But it definitely wasn’t like him. I mean, this was the guy that wanted to go 5, 6, or more times in one night. He had loved fucking me until we were so exhausted or the clock read 4:00 am and we knew we had to get 3 hours of sleep! So when he fell asleep after one go, I started to secretly wonder and worry.

Chapter 32 – Jeff’s Love Life

In the meantime, one night the phone rang and when I answered it, I heard Jeff crying softly.

He said, “Tina, can you come over?” I could make out that he was very upset.

“Sure, Jeff. What’s the matter?”

“I’ll tell you when you get here. I don’t want to talk about it on the phone.” I could hear him blowing his nose.

“I’ll be right over. Bye.” I hung up and told Chris I was going over to Jeff’s house. He could see I was shaken by the phone call.

“Is he okay?”, he asked worriedly.

“I don’t know. He sounded pretty shook up and he might have been crying. Which is not at all like him. I wonder what it could be.” I said all this as I was pulling on my shoes and getting my purse. “I’ll call you if I’m going to be there a while.”

“No problem, babe. Tell him I said ‘hey’.” He kissed me as I was about to walk out the door.

“Will do. Love you.”

When I got to Jeff’s house, he looked worse than I had imagined from our brief phone conversation. His eyes were blood shot and his nose was red from having blown it so many times. I gathered he had been crying for a while.

“Oh Jeff, honey. What’s the matter? Why are you crying?”, I said with much concern and care.

“Oh God, Tina, he’s left me. I can’t believe it.”, he wailed, “Brian has left me.” And he began to cry in more earnest than before. I put my arms around him and hugged him to me. I hated to see him so hurt. It actually did not shock me that Brian was gone. I wasn’t going to say so to Jeff, but I had always had my doubts about his attachment to Jeff. I knew that Jeff was keeping this relationship afloat for some time. But, obviously Jeff did not realize this until today. I led him over to the couch to sit. I got some Kleenex and brought them over to him while he sat there and cried like a baby to me. I knew how this hurt felt. I could feel his pain right along with him.

After a while, I said, “I’m so sorry Jeff. I know how bad you must be feeling. I don’t want you to be alone right now. Will you come stay with Chris and me?” I measured my words and my voice so that he would know how much I cared and how worried I was for him.

“No, Tina. I’ll be okay here. I just needed someone to talk to. I can’t believe how abrupt this is. I feel like this came out of nowhere.” He looked up at me with those pathetic eyes and I just wanted to do whatever I could to take his pain away. Of course, I didn’t feel this was abrupt at all. For as long as I’d known Brian, I always felt he had one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. But, as they say, love is blind. And Jeff was deeply in love with Brian. I listened to him tell me how he came home to find all of Brian’s clothes gone and a note left in their place. The note had said that he didn’t know how to say goodbye, but it was time to move on. Blah blah blah. It was all so sad and foreseeable. I listened to Jeff go on and on about how it was such a shock, how he felt he would never love again. It felt like me about four months ago. I totally understood how he felt. I didn’t say much. I just let him vent and cry and scream and sob. And I put my arm around him when he needed me to and agreed with everything he told me. I asked him several more times if he would please come back to my place. I told him he needed a change of venue, if only for a night or two. I told him I didn’t want him to be alone right now. Finally, he agreed and we packed a small overnight bag for him. I wasn’t sure how Chris was going to deal with this, but I didn’t really care at this point. He knew how I felt about Jeff. He knew he was my best friend.

When we got back to my place, Chris was watching ESPN (naturally). When he heard us come in, he immediately turned off the set and got up to see what he could do. I took Jeff in to our room and told him I was going to run a hot bath for him. Chris took his bag into the bathroom and I set to starting the bath. I think Chris was a little unnerved at seeing Jeff this way. Usually Jeff was the one making others feel better or joking and teasing everyone. And for all the trouble that Chris had given me over being friends with Jeff, at least at first, he had come to understand the depth of our friendship and how important he was to me. When the bath was ready, we left Jeff alone. I didn’t want him to think we would hover over him the entire time he was here.

“So?”, Chris said once we were alone.

“Brian left”, I said simply.

“Oh”, he replied knowingly. He looked a little pained. Even though Chris never did understand the whole gay thing, he still had sympathy for other people’s woes. This was one of the reasons I loved him so much.

“Yeh. I guess when he came home from classes, Brian’s things were all gone and he left this brief note about needing to move on. Can you believe that?”, I murmured, not wanting Jeff to overhear me. “What a work of art that guy is.” I was getting more and more pissed the more I thought about it.

“Well, it’s not as if you didn’t see it coming”, Chris said to me. And then he pulled me into his arms and softly said, “He’s going to need you to help him pull through this.”

“I know….Is it okay if he stays with us for a few days? I just kinda feel like he shouldn’t be by himself right now. You know?” I looked up at Chris to see his reaction to my request.

He nodded and said, “Yeh, I do. He can stay as long as he likes, babe. You know that.”

I smiled up at him and he leaned down to kiss me. It was sweet and I felt a little guilty seeing as I was so happy and my best friend was so sad.

When Jeff got out of the bath, he got on some sweats and a t-shirt and we all watched TV and ate popcorn until it was time to go to bed. Chris put his stuff up in the loft and I made up the couch for him up there. We felt he might have a little bit more privacy than sleeping on the couch in the living room. He didn’t talk any more about what had happened to him that day, but I could tell he was on the verge of tears the entire evening. He was physically, as well as emotionally, drained when he finally went to sleep.

The next couple days he and I talked a lot about the break-up. Brian agreed to get together with him over coffee to talk about why he had left. I thought this “exit interview” was a good idea. I felt like Jeff needed to understand where Brian was coming from. Over the next few months I could see Jeff grieving for the loss of what he thought was going to be his partner for life. I tried to help him understand what part he played in things not working out. Like the fact that maybe he picked someone who just could not give of himself the way that Jeff did. It took quite a while for Jeff to concede this. Finally, I told Jeff he needed to get back on the horse, so to speak. He didn’t want to, but I fed him this line so often, I think he decided I was right just to get me to shut up about it! I asked him to let me write a personal for him to place in the student’s newspaper. It was a rag that was mostly left-wing anyway, so I figured it might be fun to see if we got any responses. He was trepidatious, to say the least, but since the responses would come in letter format, he agreed it might be fun. If nothing else, I was betting on the fact that it would raise his self-esteem a few notches.

So, the next day I wrote this ad for him:

GWM, 20, good-looking, 6′, in shape, brown/blue, seeks lab partner

for active lifestyle, partying, studying and coffees. This pre-med

scientist would like to meet for drinks. Please send a pic, specs

and interests and we’ll see what chemistry we can create.

Jeff howled when he read it. I was just so happy to see him laugh, I didn’t care if he thought it was amusing or not. He agreed he had nothing to lose by submitting it, so we sent it in to the paper’s Singles section. It came out a week later. A few days after that, the letters started pouring in. The first bundle the newspaper sent us contained 40 letters from other gay students and even some non-students. Not all, but most of the letters contained at least one picture of the sender. Oh my God! Some of these guys were so hot, even I lost my breath. But then, gay guys are kinda notorious for liking body building and keeping themselves in shape. Jeff was tickled. Chris was amazed. Who’d have thought this “Personals” section would work. I told Chris not to get any ideas. He just grinned that little devilish grin of his and told me he’d show me his “ideas” later. Which he did. But, I digress.

Jeff and I chose 4 of the responders for him to meet. We read the letters and surveyed the pictures and then chose the four that we liked the most. He now had to call them to set up dates. We agreed that he should keep this short and sweet. Just enough time to scope each other out, drink a cup of coffee or a drink, and then be on their way. By the next weekend, he was set to meet these guys at the local gay bar, “Fantasia”. That Saturday, we got another large manilla envelope filled with another 30 letters! I didn’t know there were that many gay guys on campus! Jeff assured me there were plenty to go around. He liked one of the first four, a guy named Steve. He called him back on Sunday and they met for Brunch. Within a few weeks, they were dating exclusively. Nothing like a new guy to take your mind off the old guy. I always said. We met Steve around week number four. He was tall, brunette, not quite as pretty as Jeff, but still had a “je ne sais quoi” quality about him. If it were possible, he was even funnier than Jeff. And more importantly, I could tell he was just as in to Jeff as Jeff was to him. Very important, seeing that he had just come from a very lop-sided relationship. He moved in with Jeff after 3 months, which I think was only because Steve wanted to make sure Jeff was completely over Brian. Couldn’t blame him really. The sad part of this whole story was that while Jeff was single, he and I spent a lot more time together than usual. And even though I wanted him to be happy, and in a relationship, I missed his company when he fell in love again. Chris, on the other hand, was relieved to have things go back to the way they were before Brian left. He liked Jeff, more than he would admit really, but he hated sharing me, even with a gay guy.

Chapter 33 – Sophomore Second Semester

My second semester of Sophomore year was whizzing by. Before I knew it, midterms were at my doorstep. Chris and I helped each other study and we both did well. The next item on our agenda was Spring Break. I wanted to go home since I hadn’t over Christmas break. Chris wanted to spend it in Florida. I had no extra cash, he told me not to worry. Finally, we decided to drive down to St. Louis, spend a few days at his Mom’s house and then fly to Daytona Beach from there. We would spend a week in Florida, fly back to Missouri and drive back to Michigan. Since we had 18 days for break, it didn’t sound too bad. I didn’t like the fact that he would be paying for everything, but he reminded me that soon enough we would be married and he would be paying for everything then. Which had me wondering what I was going to do once he was this big Pro football player and I was his wife. Did I want to be “kept”? Heck, I was being kept right now. There was a part of me that wanted to have my own thing. I didn’t want to simply be known as Chris McIntyre’s wife, just the same as I didn’t currently want to be known as his girlfriend. And this whole discussion in my head always led me back to what my major was going to be. I wanted it to be something I could possibly get a job with. I had seen too many History majors leave college and not be able to get a job. I was much too practical for that. When I thought about it, my mind always steered me back to some kind of science. After all, I was good at math and a lot of my coursework thus far had dealt with either Chemistry or Biology. Jeff thought I should go for Chemistry. He reasoned that I only had four more “serious” courses to go, plus a bunch of electives. When I brought it up to Chris, he simply nodded and said, “Yeh, sounds good.” He had a glazed over look in his eyes. I wanted him to care, but when it came to me working, I think he was a bit put off by it. He would never have admitted this, but I think he was actually very old-fashioned. I think he really wanted to support me and have me be a housewife. Which, of course, was the furthest thing from my mind. We had never really discussed children beyond the perfunctory “I want two, how many do you want?” conversation, but it was my guess that Chris secretly wanted me to get pregnant, raise babies and play bridge at the country club. Such an anti-feminist!

Whenever Tina and I discussed our future, I just wanted to run and hide. It wasn’t that I wanted to avoid our future, I knew we would eventually work it out, but we had such different ideas about how it should look. I was a bit conservative, wanting her to be a stay-at-home mother and raise our children. I didn’t mind if she had hobbies, but I didn’t want her to have this whole big career. I was possessive. I wanted her to be there for me and our children. That was how my own mother had been. She had only gone back to work when my father died and she had to support us. Up until I was 10, she stayed at home and took care of the family and the home. Could you blame me for wanting that for my family? But I knew that Tina didn’t feel that way at all. She wanted to have something that she could call her very own. She wanted to have a career to make her self-sufficient. In the final analysis, we agreed to disagree and table the conversation. I think we both were hoping the other would change their mind.

When we got to St. Louis, we spent a day apart with our own families. As usual, my family treated me as though I were a guest in town for a stay-over instead of the eldest daughter that I was. They were happy enough to see my engagement ring, although my father thought we were rushing things. I reassured him that I would not be dropping out of school and we would not be getting married until I had a degree in my hands. Our two families went out to eat the second night we were there and that was interesting, if nothing else. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along, it was just that my family was so weird. And then there was the whole “who’s going to get the check” thing. Al insisted, my father insisted and Chris insisted. Oy vey! We ended up splitting it down the middle. I know Chris wanted to show he was the “big man” now, but I felt he only served to complicate matters further. I ended up getting mad at him for this and then I decided to go back to my parents to sleep there instead of his Mom’s. To say the least, he was pissed. But around 2:00 am he resolved to win back my favor by breaking into my family’s home and making love to me on my parent’s couch (where I was currently sleeping). Afterwards, I wrote my parents a note saying I was going to Chris’s house while Chris packed my bags and loaded my stuff into his Fiat. Then, we went back to his house and made love again, this time in his shower. We had to be so quiet, it was comical. We both agreed that going to Daytona Beach was a great idea.

We needed time alone, without any football program, any friends, any school. Just the two of us. When we got to Daytona, we spent the first couple days in bed. We fucked like rabbits and only came up for air to eat, shower (where we also made love), and use the bathroom. All my worries about him backing off were completely waylaid. His sexual appetite was as voracious as it had ever been. I had always taken my cues from him. Now was no different. I started to wonder if I shouldn’t take a more assertive role in this aspect of our lives. I suppose it was hard getting a word in edgewise. It wasn’t as though I didn’t respond once things were initiated. I actually could be quite aggressive and playful. But I did look to Chris to get things started. He never really complained. We just accepted this as the way things were between us. Seems to me, when I look back on it, he was always the one to begin, even our very relationship.

Once we had had our “fill” of each other, we spent the rest of the vacation playing at the beach, going out to eat, seeing movies, and sleeping in. We even went boating one day. Chris spared no expense, as usual. Why he didn’t have to penny-pinch when the rest of us did, I didn’t ask about. I knew his summer intern jobs paid very well, but I never asked him the specifics. He wasn’t necessarily guarded about money, but he also didn’t offer up details either. When I would try to pay for something, though, he would kindly refuse and say it was “no big deal”. I did, however, buy him a funny hat as something to remember our trip by. He bought me a new bikini (of course) and a pretty bracelet made of turquoise and silver.

When it was time to return, neither of us was ready. We spent the last night in bed, on the couch, in the shower, taking a bath and anywhere else that we wanted to make love. We ordered in room service and stayed up entirely too late. The next day we left early for the airport. By the time we got to St. Louis, we still had a long drive ahead of us. Chris drove for a few hours and then we decided to stay overnight at a Motel along the way. We needed a vacation from our vacation! We still had a couple days before school resumed, so we took our time about it. When we got back to Michigan, we unpacked, ate lunch and lazed around the apartment. We settled back into our routine soon enough.

The rest of the semester went along without event. We doubled with Jeff and his new guy. I went out with Bridget and some of her sorority sisters. And on Sundays, we stayed in bed most of the day, making love, watching TV, reading the paper, and eating leftovers. These days were as blissful as any I have ever known. Having that second chance to get things right between us was what we needed.

Chapter 34 – Junior Year

The summer between our Sophomore and Junior years was very similar to the last summer. He interned as a coach for the Football Camps and I took way too many courses for a summer semester. Unfortunately, Jeff decided to go home with his new boyfriend, Steve, and that left a big hole in my social life. Most nights, Chris was beat after having been out in the heat all day long. Bridget graduated that spring and got married to John. We went to the wedding, as did 400 other guests, and had a blast celebrating with them. But now that meant she was gone to Oakland to be with him. I would miss her company and advice immensely. She had been my confidante and savior in many ways. I was seriously thinking of leaving MU my freshman year before I met her. She helped me get out of my shell, showed me how to individuate from Chris, and supported me in all of my endeavors. We stayed in touch, but it was never quite the same.

The worst part of my summer was that I knew Fall Semester was coming up. Both of my Fall Semesters at MU had been rocky. I wasn’t looking forward to a third one. It was so hard to go from Spring Semester, where Chris and I made love daily, to Summer, where we backed off to three times a week, to Fall Semester, where we were lucky to have sex once a week. I knew he couldn’t help it. I knew he was beat. But I could still have feelings about it. I wished they didn’t work him so hard. I wished he had something left over for me. It was only four months of the year, but it had been so detrimental on our relationship.

Something was really different though, this summer. Chris wasn’t drinking. Usually, he would get off work and go out with the “guys” for a few drinks. He didn’t do that this year. It was a nice change of pace, as I had always been a worrier when it came to him drinking. I didn’t want him to drink and drive, but he had, and hadn’t made any apologies about it. He’d still get together with his buddies, but more times than not, it was to watch sports over at our place. When he did go to a bar, it was to watch a big screen TV. And he wasn’t really friends with his old drinking buddies. Nowadays, he would go out with some guys from his AA group. Or we’d go out to dinner. I never felt quite a part of that world, but I didn’t mind it. I liked these guys much more than the football cronies. One night I came home late from a lab. When I walked in the door, I saw Chris sitting up waiting for me on the couch. I could see he was shirtless.

“Hey babe”, I called from the kitchen counter where I put my purse and books down.

“Hey, been waiting for you”, he said sensuously.

“You have, have you?”, I answered back, in my most kittenish voice.

“Yeh, come here,” and as I walked over to the couch, I suddenly could see he was naked. I blushed and my heart started to race a bit. You see, when Chris sat there just waiting for me, totally stripped, I immediately felt all hot and bothered. I walked over to stand in front of him, smiling my most devilish grin, and he pulled me down so that I was straddling him. He pulled off my t-shirt, un-did my pants, pulled them and my undies down and unsnapped my bra. I got off of him and took my pants down and my bra off so that I could be completely naked along with him. He took my hands and pulled me back to him. He was as hard as a rock.

“You gonna let me fuck you?” he purred.

“Do I have a choice?”, I asked teasingly.

“No”. And then he started to kiss me slowly, passionately, wetly. He pulled me into him so that we were chest to breast.

“I want you so bad, baby”, he continued. His chest was so broad and hard from all the working out he was doing. He made me feel so small and delicate. His arms were totally muscular and long. When he wrapped them around me, I felt swallowed up by them. He lifted me up and pushed his dick into me like I liked.

“Oh God, that is so fucking nice”, I sighed. Then he grabbed my buttocks and rode me so that my hips went up against him and back away. He loved to push and pull on me until he was about to come. Then, he would make me go up and down until he had released. When he was spent, we held each other while he was still in me. Then, he picked me up off the couch and took me to the breakfast bar. He sat me up on it and put his head between my thighs. I could barely remain sitting while he licked and sucked his way into my orgasm. When I had come several times into his mouth, he grabbed me and carried me back to the bedroom where he fucked me hard on the bed. It was the best sex we had had in weeks, since Daytona. We slept like rocks that night. We never let go of each other the entire night. This didn’t happen very often, usually just when Chris was feeling insecure. Usually he slept on his back away from me, but every so often he didn’t want to leave my side. We would spoon all night long. It was harder to get to sleep this way, but I always slept very well with him so close. I woke up wondering what was going on that he needed to be so close. Not that I minded. Just curious.

Junior Year started off like my Freshman and Sophomore years. I was alone a lot of the time. I missed Jeff more than Chris, well almost. Jeff was consumed with his new relationship. It made me mad when he had warned me about getting to close to Chris, but now he was acting like the earth revolved around Steve. I could only hope that this phase would pass over soon. I went to all the games, even some of the away games, this year. Chris was better than I had ever seen him. People were talking like he would be MVP again. I knew, from him and the coaches, that there were scouts once again in the stands watching his play, considering him for Pros. I had already known that I needed to graduate by the end of this year. Chris could care less about a degree, he already had his career mapped out. So, I was taking 5 upper classes, studying my butt off, and taking care of Chris. This year, we hosted some of those “after practice” parties. We’d have an apartment full of huge guys drinking and shouting and discussing plays until 1:00 am. On those nights, when I had ample warning, I stayed at the library until midnight. Chris understood.

It was a great football season. Michigan went 10-2 and was invited back to the Rose Bowl. By the end of November, Chris had been invited to tour Dallas, New York, and Los Angeles. He knew he would be going to draft pick come July. Over Christmas break, he and I traveled the country. It was a lot of plane rides and hotel rooms, but it was also an opportunity like we’d never had before. My family had never had enough money to go on many trips. The only one I remember vividly was our trip to Washington, DC when I was twelve. The same was true for Chris’s Mom. He had never really been anywhere before Michigan. So to be able to go to all of these cities, be wined and dined and tour them was a dream come true for him. He was secretly hoping Dallas would pick him up. But he didn’t know which round of draft pick he would be. So, there was a lot of waiting and worrying to be done.

Also over Christmas Break, we finally let my family know that we were engaged and would be getting married in St. Louis in June. Both our mothers wanted to help with planning for the wedding. His parents insisted on giving us the reception (but I always secretly wondered if Chris wasn’t also helping to pay for it as we ended up having it at a swank hotel and I knew Al and Valerie couldn’t afford it on their own). My parents bought my dress, invitations and the flowers. We planned it for June 12, 1982, so that we would have plenty of time to go on a Honeymoon and be back for the Pro draft.

Chris bought me a car for Christmas. My old Datsun was pretty much on its’ last leg. Chris bought me a new Pontiac Firebird. Wow! I was floored. I didn’t know how he could afford it, but I wasn’t asking a lot of questions either. I loved it. We hugged and kissed for a long time after that first car ride. I bought him a sweater, some new Cologne, a new Teddi for me (his favorite present, of course), and a new pair of training shoes. We went out with his Mom and Al that night and celebrated his upcoming Pro career. I wasn’t so sure, but he knew he would be leaving college next year. I guess his coaches did too because they were out looking for a replacement 1st string Wide Receiver.

Spring Semester was even tougher than Fall had been. I had 5 really difficult courses. I had to take them all if I wanted to graduate. I couldn’t believe I had actually done it. Jeff helped me in my Chemistry and Biology. I also had to take a foreign language so I decided on French, which was a lot harder than I imagined it would be. I also had an upper level English and upper level Differential Equations. I studied so much, that Chris started to grumble that I was always gone and never in bed with him. I was so tense that I had no desire to even make love to him. Sundays were still spent in bed, but now only until 1:00 pm and then I was on my way to the library. We didn’t even take a trip over Spring Break. I needed to study and Chris said that was fine as he needed to save money for our Honeymoon.

When Finals came, I was ready. I ended up with 3 As and 2 Bs and graduated Cum Laude in Chemistry. My family, Valerie and Al came up to see me graduate. We all went out to eat that night along with Jeff and Steve. I could tell that Chris was a bit morose over our college careers being over, especially since he had not graduated and I had. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my degree just yet, but I knew I wanted to do something. Chris and I had not talked any more about how our marriage would look, but I knew we had differing opinions about what type of life I should lead. Now that we were leaving Michigan, we had to decide on where to go until the Draft was decided. Naturally, we picked St. Louis. It only made sense to do this as our families were there and that was where we were getting married in another month. So, we packed up everything, Valerie and Al drove the U-Haul back to St. Louis with my new Firebird behind it and we said our sad goodbyes to all our friends. Of course, many of those friends would soon be making the trip to St. Louis to come to our Wedding.

Chapter 35 – Wedding

Chris and I found an apartment that would give us a 6-month lease and we moved into it with rented furniture and kitchen leftovers from our years at Michigan. As soon as we got settled in, my mother had me in fittings, luncheons and wedding showers. Before we knew it, our Wedding was upon us. It was a gorgeous affair, held at a swank Hotel in Downtown St. Louis. Bridget and John flew in from Oakland, Jeff and Steve drove down from Michigan, and several other of my college friends attended. A few of Chris’s better football cronies came in, which went over big with my girlfriends from St. Louis that were still single. His Coaches, Bo and Loyd, also made an appearance, which I thought was touching. All in all, we had about 300 people show up. I nearly cried when we said our vows, which we had both written out ourselves. I still felt unsure of our future, but I knew, no matter what, I was meant to be with this man. He was utterly and completely my soul mate.

After we danced our first dance and the party was in full swing, Chris leaned over to me, looked me in the eyes, and said, “You are more beautiful tonight than I can ever remember seeing you.”

“And you are more handsome,” I murmured back.

“Will you sneak away with me?”

“And get my gown all crumpled? No way”, and I laughed at him while I poked him in the ribs. He pouted a bit before saying, “Then you owe me big time later on, wench”.

“Agreed” and we smiled at each other knowing what was to come, literally speaking.

And at that, he pulled me up and asked, “Dance with me then? So I can be as close to you as possible.”

I replied sensuously, “Gladly.”

We really should have spent more time talking to our guests and less time entranced in each other, but we didn’t. You’d think after 3 plus years together, we’d had enough of each other to let go for a couple hours. But this was our day, our night, our party, our Wedding. There would never be another day for us like this one and we weren’t going to spend it making idle chitchat with people we couldn’t care less about. Of course, we spent time with our friends. Of course, we danced with other guests. Once or twice. But for the most part, we stuck to each other like sand on sand paper.

We finally cut out at 10:00 pm and headed in our limo for the Radisson Airport. Only his mother knew where we were staying that night and we were pretty sure she wouldn’t divulge this information to anyone unless there was an emergency. When we were finally alone in our room, we hastily undressed and fucked as though we were 17 again. We couldn’t get enough of each other. We bathed together in our Jacuzzi tub and ate from the fruit basket that the management had left for us. And even though we had to get up at 6:00 am to catch our flight to the Bahamas, we still stayed up until 2:00 am making love, feeding and bathing each other. We spooned as we slept and woke up in the same position. Thankfully, he had remembered to call the front desk for a wake up call or we never would have made our flight. His mother was coming to pick up his rented tux and my dress so we didn’t have to worry about those. We showered, dressed and ate the rest of the fruit hastily so that we would get to the airport in time. When we took our seats on the airplane, we both breathed a sigh of relief. Relief that we were getting away, relief that our Wedding was over, relief over being done with school. Later that night, we would talk about what was to come next, but for now we both just relished in what we had left behind.

By the time we gathered our bags, got through customs and got a taxi to our Hotel, it was almost 6:00 pm. We put our luggage in our room and went down to the Hotel restaurant for a wonderful, slow-paced dinner. We talked about what we wanted to do while on vacation. We had 10 long, languorous days to spend on Paradise Island, Nassau. He wanted to snorkel, as he had joined the snorkeling club at MU the last semester we were there. I was game. I wanted to para-sail and go on a catamaran. And we both wanted to swim in the ocean and eat lots of seafood. It sounded like a Honeymoon made in heaven to both of us. That was, until later that night.

As we got ready for bed together that night, after having made love passionately a couple times, we were both in the bathroom brushing our teeth and taking our vitamins. When I reached for my birth control pills to take them as I always did, Chris asked me in a matter-of-fact tone of voice, “Why don’t you stop taking those?”

I replied, incredulously, “What? My pill?” I looked at him like he was crazy.

“Well….yeh. Would it be so bad to get pregnant?” and he looked at me like I was crazy.

I retorted sarcastically and quickly, “Ummmmm…YES! I don’t want to have a child at 21, Chris.”

“Well you wouldn’t probably be 21, you’d probably be 22” and he just stood up from brushing his teeth and looked like I’d be a fool to not want a kid at my age.

“Okay, funny haha,” I said as I stood up too. I truly thought he was just having a laugh with me. There was no way he could be serious. He knew me too well. He knew that I wanted to get a job as a Chemist wherever he decided we were going to live. He knew that I didn’t want to have kids until I was more like 30! Didn’t he?

He walked out of the bathroom and immediately got in bed and faced the wall. That was telling.

I sat down on the other side of the bed and softly said, “I think we need to talk about this, Chris. I mean, if you are not joking with me. If you really want to have kids now, you should have said something before this. Chris, you know I don’t want kids now. Hell, I’m still a kid myself. I want to work for a while. I’m not ready. And I know you’re not ready.”

After I said that last bit about him not being ready, he turned around to face me and said softly and meaningfully, “I have been ready to be a father for a long time. I’ve been ready to have a family since I practically met you, Tina. Don’t sit there and tell me you know I’m not ready!”

“Chris, you are about to enter your Rookie year as a Pro Football player. If I didn’t see you for 4 months at Michigan during Football Season, how do you think it’s going to be in the Pros? Do you think I’m going to have a baby knowing you’ll never be around? Do you really think I want to be a single mother?” and then it was my turn to turn around, away from him.

“So, you’re saying that as long as I’m a Pro Football player, we aren’t going to start a family?!” and by now we were both yelling.

“I don’t know what I’m saying, but I sure as shit know I’m not going to go off my pill until I know how this whole Pro Football thing pans out.”

“Oh, that’s just great, Tina. Just fucking great.” And with that, he flung himself around to face the wall again and closed his eyes. I turned off all the lights, got on top of the covers on my side of the bed, and tried to sleep, although all I could do was cry silently. When I awoke, Chris was no where to be found.

I ordered room service, took a hot shower and did my morning routine as I waited for the food to arrive. I wasn’t still angry, I was just incredulous. I couldn’t believe I had married a man who knew so little about me. It wasn’t as though I was secretive with Chris. I constantly talked to him about my dreams. He did the same with me. And it was always the same scenario. He would get drafted, I would find work. Why was he tipping the boat now? Where was this “need” of his coming from? We had never discussed children, except in vague terms about how many we wanted. To me, it always seemed like we were talking about kids off in some far away future that neither of us wanted to go to just yet. I couldn’t help but wonder where this need to procreate came from. I knew he felt a great loss from the death of his father still. He had told me that having a family was important to him because of the hole that he always felt his father had left when he passed on. But I never thought he meant a family of three or more. I thought he meant us. Just as I started to tear up thinking that I was not enough for him, there was a knock at the door and my food had arrived. I ate on our veranda overlooking the ocean and sipped at my coffee as I tried to get over the fact that what little sleep I had had was not enough to keep me vertical. I decided after breakfast to go back to sleep until Chris got back. But when I woke up next, it was 4:00 pm and Chris was nowhere to be found. I tried not to panic, especially since his bags were still in the room with me. But I couldn’t help think that he was out getting drunk or screwing some floozy or both.

When I awoke that morning, it was pre-dawn. I decided to get dressed and go for a run. I didn’t wake Tina as I was pretty sure we both had slept fitfully. Well, I ended up running halfway around the island and had breakfast at a native cafe. I met an older man and we talked for a long time on the beach. He brought a rod and reel for me and we spent the better part of the day fishing and talking. His philosophy was simple: First you have to make a stable home out of bricks and not in the sand, because the sand would not hold a home properly. When that home was stable, then you could add children to it, as many as the home would reasonably hold. I got his point. I was rushing things with Tina, rushing for us. I needed to just take things one at a time. By the time we were done talking, it was getting dark. I knew that Tina would be worrying about me. That’s what she does and it’s part of why I love her so much. Terry gave me a lift back to the hotel and I flew up to our room. Only to find it empty.

So when Chris did not show up for dinner, I decided to find a nice seafood house and treat myself to a gorgeous Lobster meal. It was secluded off a pier right on the ocean and the breeze and push of the waves was tantalizing. After my appetizer, I felt a familiar hand set down on my shoulder. I jumped a bit, swiveled around in my seat to see Chris standing over me, scruffy from having worn the same sweat shorts and muscle shirt that he hastily put on this morning to go running. His hair was windworn and his face was sunburned from fishing so close to the ocean for most of the day. But to me, scruffy or not, he looked good enough to eat. I motioned for him to sit with me and he did. I could tell he was hungry as the first thing he did was read the menu. After he ordered half of what was on the menu, I started with, “I missed you this morning for breakfast on our veranda”. I wanted to keep it nice and simple.

He replied, “I found an old native fisherman, who taught me the ropes and gave me some good philosophy about life. And I guess I just let time slip by. I got back around 6:00 pm and you were no where to be found. But I asked the main desk help where you might have gone and they suggested this restaurant. I’m glad they did” and he smiled remembering how happy I was to see him and how surprised I was to have him come up to me so stealthily as he did.

“Tina, I realize we need to take things slower. I don’t know what came over me. I think sometimes I get so desperate to re-create what I didn’t have in my own childhood, that I get downright zealous. I know you know I’m not truly that way and I don’t want to scare you off. But that’s not to say that I don’t want kids just as soon as we’re both ready. I don’t want to rush you, but you should know that I do truly think I’m ready to have them.


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