I’m crying as I write this. I’ve never cried as I write a blog. But I think I’m entitled to, because you see, I found out today that Alex is an alcoholic. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was going to find out something that didn’t gel with the rest of him. Maybe it was just too good, too easy and too sweet. I looked back at when we first started talking, and he was a bit overwhelming to say the least. As I was reading our text, I realized that most of what he said to me was just flowery bullshit. I didn’t recognize it as such when I first read it.But knowing what I know now, I saw it in a different light.
I went to his apartment because he was really sick and I knew something was going on because he wasn’t answering my texts.When I got there, there were vodka pints, open and empty.But I think what freaked me out even more we’re all the little bottles of vanilla extract. That, maybe more than the liquor, was what clued me into him being an alcoholic. I suppose, if I had not found them, I still would’ve considered him an alcoholic with 3 to 4 empty pints of vodka sitting around! But seeing all those little bottles of vanilla really did me in. I asked a lot of questions, and he, I believe, was honest with me. He did tell me that he was an alcoholic. But all he could really say after that, was that he didn’t wanna lose me.I stayed for a while, but I could tell that I needed to be home. I wasn’t comfortable being there.
To say the least, I am depressed. I know I’m gonna be OK because that’s just me. I dip down into depression occasionally, but I always get myself back up. Right now, what I really wish I had, is somebody to talk to about this and just hold me and tell me it’s going to be OK.
You know, way back, when I was a therapist, I actually specialized in alcoholism and recovery, and both my ex-husbands were potential alcoholics. The first one I left because of it, and the second one quit for me and for himself. And, my second husband was more of a party animal than a drink at home kind of person. I told him that if he stopped going out to the bars four nights a week, I would stop smoking pot. And I did for 20 years.
I appreciate all the comments congratulating me on my new boyfriend, but I think right now I just need to be by myself and lick my wounds, so to speak.