8/30/24 Good Grief

I have decided that there is nothing good about grief. I had two good days this week and I feel lucky about that. Grief is as bad as any depression I’ve ever had. But the thing about it is that grief goes away whereas depression doesn’t. At least not for me. When I said that grief comes in waves, those waves can be very big or just a ripple.

I know I shouldn’t, but I keep berating myself for the things that I did not do with or around my mother. I should have called her more. I should have visited more. I am so grateful that I got to speak with her the day before she died. She was in great spirits and felt she was getting better. I know that she died the way she wanted to, but I wasn’t ready for her to go and I’m still not ready. I know that this torrential rain of grief will pass, but I don’t know how long it will take. And that kind of scares me. I find that work and really anything that takes my mind off of my grief is a good thing. But I’m also taking care of myself and not pushing myself to do more than I want to do.

I know I will get through this because I have to go through this to find peace. I have been told that my grief will be replaced by loving and fun memories of my mother. I look forward to that day. No, grief is not good, but it is necessary. I wonder about people who do not grieve.