I have decided that there is nothing good about grief. I had two good days this week and I feel lucky about that. Grief is as bad as any depression I’ve ever had. But the thing about it is that grief goes away whereas depression doesn’t. At least not for me. When I said that grief comes in waves, those waves can be very big or just a ripple.
I know I shouldn’t, but I keep berating myself for the things that I did not do with or around my mother. I should have called her more. I should have visited more. I am so grateful that I got to speak with her the day before she died. She was in great spirits and felt she was getting better. I know that she died the way she wanted to, but I wasn’t ready for her to go and I’m still not ready. I know that this torrential rain of grief will pass, but I don’t know how long it will take. And that kind of scares me. I find that work and really anything that takes my mind off of my grief is a good thing. But I’m also taking care of myself and not pushing myself to do more than I want to do.
I know I will get through this because I have to go through this to find peace. I have been told that my grief will be replaced by loving and fun memories of my mother. I look forward to that day. No, grief is not good, but it is necessary. I wonder about people who do not grieve.
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Dupersjohn@gmail.com
I worry about my parents as well. Both are in their 80’s. I call them every day because I’m afraid the day I don’t call it will be the day they pass away. When we speak on the phone, we repeat the same things all the time. How are you? How is the weather? How did you sleep? Did you walk outside today? It does not matter if we repeat the phrases or topics. What matters is that we connect and tell each other “I love you” every day. It’s the daily phone contact that makes us whole. Some day I will not be able to hear their voices. Until that day, we will talk about the weather every day and enjoy the conversation.
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I worry about my parents as well. Both are in their 80’s. I call them every day because I’m afraid the day I don’t call it will be the day they pass away. When we speak on the phone, we repeat the same things all the time. How are you? How is the weather? How did you sleep? Did you walk outside today? It does not matter if we repeat the phrases or topics. What matters is that we connect and tell each other “I love you” every day. It’s the daily phone contact that makes us whole. Some day I will not be able to hear their voices. Until that day, we will talk about the weather every day and enjoy the conversation.