12/12/24 Another Dear Mom Blog and More

Dear Mom,

You’ve been gone almost four months and I don’t feel like I’m any better off than I was at two months. But I suppose if I look back on it, I can tell that I’m crying less. The days between actively grieving are getting longer. I still have not reached acceptance. I’m still bargaining. I’m still angry and I’m definitely still depressed.

So many things have happened that I couldn’t talk to you about that I would normally have talked to you about. It’s disheartening. Laurie says I can talk to her, but it’s not the same and she’s not going to be my surrogate mother. It’s not healthy and it’s not going to happen. We’ve talked about it. And I know that I can talk to her, but sometimes I feel judged or she’s overly protective.

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My mom was protective, but mostly she gave her opinion. My mother was not a hugely motherly person. Nor am I. But like me, she would tell you what she thought. I miss hearing that from her. I miss being able to get her perspective. But the other day, I kind of heard her talk through me. It was very funny because what I said was funny and the way I said it was my mother saying it. Almost like she was talking through me. I’m pretty sure that does not happen but it felt like it and that’s what matters.

When I met with my sister Susie for dinner, we talked about how difficult it was to talk with mom over the phone. But Susie had every opportunity to see my mother and talk to her in person whereas I did not. But even in person was kind of difficult also. And in being difficult, it was at times very disheartening and frustrating.

My dinner with my sister went very well, which was a surprise to me. I think we were both on our best behaviors. I found out from my other sister the next day that a family friend who witnessed my sister brow beating me had a little talk with her. All I know is that my sister did not berate me, did not get on me about anything and we had a nice chat. And I was happy to be able to report to Laurie that it went very well. I need my sisters in my life. Especially now that my mother has passed.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now, but it never takes away from the fact that I am still very actively grieving. I seem to do better when I’m around other people. Imagine that?!