You’ve been gone over two months and I miss you as much as I miss you the first day I found out. Which is to say that I miss you a heck of a lot. Some days I have a lot of problems just getting started in the day because of my grief for you. I’ve come to see you as the light of my life and the light has gone out and now I’m in darkness.
I feel like I should have realized before you died how I would feel after you died. But I would never allow myself to go there because I knew it was going to hurt terribly. And I decided that I didn’t want to hurt terribly until I had to. So now I guess I have to, Lord knows I am.
I find myself full of regret and I hate this emotion. I tried to tell myself that I did the best I could. But I’m not really sure that’s true.So a lot of my grief is wishing I had done better. Wishing I had stayed in touch better.It was so difficult to communicate with you over the phone and so frustrating. Which is why I started writing you letters like this one.
My therapist said that I should start writing you letters again because it helps me get my thoughts out of my mind and on paper. Plus, I can refer back to this letter maybe to help me.
I’ve had many well wishes and much condolences, but I find that grieving is a singular process and no one can really help me through it. I do wish I had that one single partner in my life that could hold me when I’m sad.
Well, mom, I have my good days and my bad and I’m hoping that my bad days decrease in number and my good days increase. I keep you close to me with all my pictures of you and all your jewelry and letters. But somehow 2-D does not work for me. I need the 3-D you back!
Thank you, Mama, for being the best mother I could have ever had. We had our difficulties growing up, that is for sure, but I came to see you as my mother and my friend once I was old enough to appreciate you.
7 Comments
Ken
I love how you’re processing the loss of your mother. This is very touching.
Thank you, Ken. That is so sweet of you to say. I never know how much is too much to share but you let me know that I’m doing OK. Thank you again.
David
Keep writing the letters. It helps to put into words how you feel. Even though she can’t read them it will help bring you relief from the pain. I wish you the best.
I feel your love and regret for your mother in this letter. I understand your feelings, because I felt the same way when my father died 3 1/2 years ago.
I truly believe your mother is looking down on you with nothing but a heart of forgiveness and love for you. There is no hatred or bitterness in heaven. Be assured of this!
If I could, I’d give you the hug you are craving. I have an advanced degree in hugs!!
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I love how you’re processing the loss of your mother. This is very touching.
Thank you, Ken. That is so sweet of you to say. I never know how much is too much to share but you let me know that I’m doing OK. Thank you again.
Keep writing the letters. It helps to put into words how you feel. Even though she can’t read them it will help bring you relief from the pain. I wish you the best.
Call me anytime you need a froend.
I feel your love and regret for your mother in this letter. I understand your feelings, because I felt the same way when my father died 3 1/2 years ago.
I truly believe your mother is looking down on you with nothing but a heart of forgiveness and love for you. There is no hatred or bitterness in heaven. Be assured of this!
If I could, I’d give you the hug you are craving. I have an advanced degree in hugs!!
xoxoxox
Thank you so much, Ed. Your words mean a lot to me.
I’m glad I could provide at least a little comfort to you. We’ve never met, but I do care.