I’d say 75% of the men I see carry a certain sadness. And 95% are married—still very much in love with their wives—but have slowly come to terms with the fact that sex, or at least good sex, may be behind them.

Their wives have gone through menopause or had a hysterectomy—two different paths to the same destination. And with that often comes a lost libido, a shift in desire. It’s not anyone’s fault. It’s not neglect. It’s biology. Mother Nature, in all her wisdom, sometimes robs us of our drive just when we finally have the freedom to enjoy it. How unfair is that?

But I digress.

What I really want to talk about is the sadness I feel from so many men who don’t want to see someone like me—but feel they have to. Not because they don’t love their wives. They do. Deeply. This is the woman they married, the one they chose. The one they still long to connect with.

But that connection just isn’t there anymore—at least not in the bedroom.

They don’t want to be with someone else. They want to be met at home. But their wives have changed, and the act itself—once joyful and bonding—has become painful, dry, unsatisfying, or simply unwanted. Some women never initiate again. And many men, in their desperation, push too hard… and end up losing all the intimacy they once had.

That’s where I come in.

I offer a semblance of that lost connection. A reprieve. A warm, accepting space where you can feel close to someone again. Where you can feel wanted again.

I wrote a blog last year about how to rekindle intimacy with a post-menopausal partner. If this resonates with you, I encourage you to go back and read it. I still believe in it. Because while losing intercourse is one thing, losing all intimacy? That’s a much deeper wound.

So yes, I see your sadness. I feel it. And I’m sorry.

I’ll do my best to give you what you’ve been missing.

You may think by title of this blog, that I’ve gone out of my freaking gourd, but trust me, you wanna hear what I have to say. Especially if you find yourself in the position as 80% of my clients can attest to. Your wife went through menopause and you no longer have sex at home. You’ve made the wise decision to find a provider who can meet your needs for intimacy in a safe and non-emotional manner. Now what you need to hear from me is that, if you play your cards right, you might be able to convince your wife to at least share some small intimacies with you. I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but she is never going to want to have sex again, especially if she has cut you off completely.  If she hasn’t cut you off completely then you don’t need to read this blog necessarily.

What you need to hear, if you don’t have any chance at having sex again, is that you can still have intimacy between the two of you. But one essential thing has to happen first. You have to convince her that any intimacy between the two of you will NOT lead to sex. The reason she is not intimate with you is because she’s worried that if she is, you will think this is the greenlight and the go ahead to have sex! And she’s probably right! And if all you want is to have sex then you need to find it somewhere else. But, if you want to have some sort of intimacy with your wife, you will have to convince her, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that anything the two of you do, will not lead to sex.  Now there may be plenty of other things that you miss, but let’s start here. If I were in your position, knowing that my wife wants to not have sex at any cost, I would start with the following: “Dear, I would really like to sit on the couch with you tonight, and hold hands. I don’t want to start anything sexual with you. That is not where I’m coming from. I simply want to sit on the couch next to you and hold your hand. I promise you it will not lead to sex! What do you think about this? Do you think you’d like to sit on the couch and hold my hand tonight? Do you trust me when I tell you that it will not lead to sex?”.  And there you have it. It can be as easy as this, and as she feels more comfortable, knowing full well that whatever the two of you do, it will not lead to intercourse, she may open up to you and she may even initiate after some time. But make no doubt about it. She does not want to have sex. If she wanted to have sex after menopause, she would have looked into hormone replacement therapy or testosterone cream, or even Viagra, which they are now prescribing for women with sexual dysphoria. I truly believe this could work, but it all hinges  on how convincing you can be in telling her that this will not lead to sex! And need I say that if you make any reference to having sex during this time of intimacy, you will have ruined pretty much everything. Nothing like having a little control. Find someone safe to lose control with. The whole point of this blog is to impress upon you, that you can still have intimacy without having sex. But please, don’t make the mistake of thinking that, just because you are intimate means she wants to have anything to do with sex. Trust me when I say that she does not. If you need other ideas about how to increase intimacy, come and talk to me.