Dear Mom,

You’ve been gone over two months and I miss you as much as I miss you the first day I found out. Which is to say that I miss you a heck of a lot. Some days I have a lot of problems just getting started in the day because of my grief for you. I’ve come to see you as the light of my life and the light has gone out and now I’m in darkness.

I feel like I should have realized before you died how I would feel after you died. But I would never allow myself to go there because I knew it was going to hurt terribly. And I decided that I didn’t want to hurt terribly until I had to. So now I guess I have to, Lord knows I am.

I find myself full of regret and I hate this emotion. I tried to tell myself that I did the best I could. But I’m not really sure that’s true.  So a lot of my grief is wishing I had done better. Wishing I had stayed in touch better.  It was so difficult to communicate with you over the phone and so frustrating. Which is why I started writing you letters like this one.

My therapist said that I should start writing you letters again because it helps me get my thoughts out of my mind and on paper. Plus, I can refer back to this letter maybe to help me.

I’ve had many well wishes and much condolences, but I find that grieving is a singular process and no one can really help me through it. I do wish I had that one single partner in my life that could hold me when I’m sad.

Well, mom, I have my good days and my bad and I’m hoping that my bad days decrease in number and my good days increase. I keep you close to me with all my pictures of you and all your jewelry and letters. But somehow 2-D does not work for me. I need the 3-D you back!

Thank you, Mama, for being the best mother I could have ever had. We had our difficulties growing up, that is for sure, but I came to see you as my mother and my friend once I was old enough to appreciate you.

My mother passed in her sleep earlier this morning. She was 93 1/2 years old. She lived one of the most luxurious, wonderful, blessed lives that I’ve ever been a party to. And she was an amazing woman who made me everything I am to this day. I am sure I will miss her every single day I am alive. I feel like I now truly understand grief. I didn’t feel this way with my father or my brother and I wasn’t very close with them either. But I was very close to my mother and my grief has been torrential at times and negligible at other times. Grief is just that way. It comes and goes in waves. you’ll think you’re doing really great and something small will remind you and you’ll be a puddle again. I totally get it now. I knew this before, but until you’ve really experienced an earth shaking grief, you can’t fully know how you will react.

I will miss her. This is for sure. both my sister and I expressed to each other that we wanted to die along with her. But that isn’t possible and nor should it be. I will keep her alive in my memories and talking to her probably on a daily basis. I’m just that way. But then you knew that.

I went to St. Louis this past weekend and had very few No Shows, lots of nice generous men, and a great time sitting out by the pool with my sisters.  Got my Imo’s fix and I’m happy to be home. $2000 in 2 full days.  Not too shabby.  I’m seriously thinking of going once a month!

6/14/23 Gastric Bypass #9

I am now down to 156.  None of my clothes fit, so I’m just going to look like I’m wearing a tent or maybe nothing at all! 16 more pounds to go.

6/14/23 Website Back Online

I took down my website because my 25-year-old son blackmailed me and said he would tell my original family about me.  So I did the prudent thing and got rid of evidence.  Then he told me he was not going to do it, so here I am and I got it back up but I think I’m missing some blogs here.  If anyone has a post from me after 6/3/23, I would appreciate you sending that post to me.