So I have to tell him now or before we have sex. Otherwise that’s really bad. Especially given what I do. And if I were to ask him to wear a condom, don’t you think he would question that? Yeah, I’m pretty well fucked. Lesson learned. Get myself off Match because I don’t belong on there. I chose to be an escort, and I still choose to be an escort. I choose the money, I choose the lifestyle, I choose this profession. And in doing so, I basically take myself out of the dating market. Think I have to get used to the fact that I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I’ve been starting to plan for that. Sometime I’ll let you in on what my solo dream retirement is. It’s changed a little bit.

I am not so attached to this man now, only having known him a short while, that his breaking up with me would be of that much consequence. I would feel bad for a few days, but I would get over it fairly easily. That won’t be the case in another month. I know myself. So I will be telling him today. Definitely before things get really intimate.

Update: I decided to text him immediately after writing this. As I thought, he did not take it very well. Lesson learned.

Enter Mike, software salesman who recently moved to Kansas City and lives in $1 million house. Boy he really had me going. But thankfully, it was only 24 hours because I wanted to meet him. Of course he ghosted me. And what I learned from this is that I don’t want to talk with guys forever or even for a full day before I meet them. What a waste of time. I can only hope that karma will serve him best with what goes around comes around. I have to wonder what I have done to deserve this.

I’ve never been one to think of people as bad. Maybe with the exception of felons, but it really depends on the felony too.  But, as I get older, I’m starting to see the nefarious side of people. I guess I just don’t understand why people sometimes do the things they do. Why would someone waste their time and texting me a lot over 24 hours with no intention of ever meeting me? Why do people catfish in the first place? Having come from mental health, I often question peoples mental health. But I do have the belief that everybody does the best they can given what they have to work with. And it’s those last seven words “given what they had to work with“ that is the true meaning of that sentence. Think about it. Maybe some people don’t do a very good job at living, but I do believe they’re doing the best they can, given what they have to work with. Which granted is not a lot sometimes.

This woman left him for another man after 20 years of marriage and served him divorce papers in another state. She took him for half of what he had, and then squandered it in about two years. This will be her third  or fourth time coming back to him because she cannot make it on her own. And each time he takes her back, he allows her to stay with him for less time than the time before because she’s so incalculably difficult and dependent. She’s bipolar and not on her medication. She tried to steal his identity for $25,000 and she is being prosecuted by a major national bank for this. She could easily go to jail.  She also got involved in a cult and stopped taking her medication. This woman is not a good person. At least not from everything he’s told me and I’m thinking he sugarcoated it!

Why do such rational, intellectual, sane men make such bad decisions for themselves? I have no doubt that she will show her true colors once again, and be out of there in three months. I just don’t know if I want to go back to seeing this person again in any capacity. Yes, escorts do get to pick and choose who they will see. We even had this huge date planned for my birthday, all for naught.  I can’t tell you how upset I am at this moment. I really should have prepared myself for this. And I shouldn’t have gotten as close to this person as I did. That is definitely something an escort should never do. It’s a very bad proposition all the way around.

Wow! I will definitely rethink how I do my work because of what has happened today. I can see that I got way too close to this person and I can also see that I did not see the writing on the wall. As an ex-therapist, I really feel like I dropped the ball on myself. We had a whole discussion about two weeks ago regarding our relationship because he wanted to hold my hand and kiss me in public, but he did not want to have a relationship with me outside of friendship. I told him then that I was not going to pretend to be his girlfriend. We could go on our dates and that would be fine, but I was not going to hold his hand, kiss him in public, and otherwise act like we’re in a relationship when we’re not. It was then that he told me of all the issues he had. Only one of them was the fact that he was still in love with his ex-wife. I did the right thing in curtailing that part of the relationship that felt fake and false, but what I didn’t do is prepare myself for her coming back into his life. I should have seen that would happen. Especially from everything he’s told me about her. And I really think he has used me as a sounding board. Right now, I feel sorry for myself, but I think I feel more sorry for him. I can see clearly what will happen. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am.

Are you surprised the escort can get attached to a client? Now granted, he was not my typical client. And I do not typically get attached to any client. He was special. And I hope to remember him that way.

A friend remarked to me the other day that I have a very good head on my shoulders. And I couldn’t agree more. I do have a good head for most things. But, boy oh boy, when it comes to love, I obviously do not. I mean how, after all, could I have been so snookered by a fucking alcoholic, who sold me a bill of goods and had me drinking from the trough? I like to think that I’m better than that. But obviously, I am not. And as much as it pains me to admit that, the only way to get better is to first admit that you have a problem. I would say I definitely have a problem.

I’m great at business. I’m great as an escort. I’m creative and talented and smart. So why can’t I get this whole love thing? Why can’t I see the forest for the trees? Am I so immersed in the forest that I just can’t see the whole picture? Because once I’m outside of that forest, oh my gosh, the picture is so clear. But when I’m in there, I might as well be blind.

Now, having written this, it’s on me to do something about this.  Did you actually think I wrote these blogs for you? Oh, no! I write them for me. This is my therapy. You might not have known that or you might have, but either way, make no doubt about it. This is now on my to do list. And I will be more cognizant of how I go about starting a relationship because obviously what I’ve been doing isn’t working. And when something isn’t working, you don’t keep bashing your head against the same brick wall over and over again! Because if you do that, then you are insane. That is the definition of insanity.

I want to end this blog, that did not start out to be what I have now written, with a thought about my blogs. Someone recently said that it’s like reading a diary and I addressed this in a blog. But I want to add that, if my being as honest as I am and as transparent as I can be bothers you, or makes you realize how dishonest you are or untransparent you are, I can’t help you. What I hope my blogs do is make you realize that you share a lot of the same issues I do. Or at least see my issues as something that you can relate to in your own life. Obviously not every single blog. But maybe there’s just one blog that you relate to and it helps you. This is where my blogs are for you, because not only is this therapy for me, but it’s also maybe a little therapy for you. And, so be it if they’re just simply entertaining. I can live with that. What I obviously cannot live with is the thought of not writing about my issues or sharing them with you. As long as you are listening, I will continue to share, and I will hopefully continue to get better.

And if it never occurred to you that I was a very good therapist, you have another thing coming to you. Have a great day!

Alex did one very important thing for me. He showed me that not only do I want more than what I have now, but that I deserve more than what I have now, in terms of a relationship. Now granted it did not work out, but here was this guy who I got along with, had amazing chemistry with and he accepted what I did.

I want that again and I deserve that. I’ve lost 110 pounds, I look great, I feel great, and I want to share that and myself with some very well deserving man. Might not be Alex. But I know he’s out there.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the connections I have with some of my clients. I like when they text me and we talk during the week, sometimes daily. I cherish my friends, but most of them are married. I would just love to meet a really sweet, appropriate, good looking older man to date and hopefully fall in love with. Is that so much to ask for?

Let me be more specific. I want that connection with an available man. Not with someone who’s married and not with someone who has a lot of problems. So I guess I’m looking for someone who is drama free and wanting a relationship and available for a relationship. Someone who likes to go out and have fun and stay in and have fun! Someone who doesn’t mind spending money on having a taste of the finer things in life, even if it’s not an every day occurrence. I believe life is to be enjoyed. I would love to find a man who has a life of his own, but wants a woman to complement it.

Someone who is warm and caring, and really doesn’t mind what I do for a living. Now I realize that last part will be difficult to come by. I’m not stupid. I realize that accepting what I do will be difficult. But I’m sure there are men out there who can look past it. Especially when they find out how much money I make. So if you’re reading this blog and you’re saying to yourself, this could be me, I would really like to hear from you. Please don’t start by telling me that you’d like to marry me, because that’s really old hat by now!

I believe when women like a man, they think about making love to them. But if a woman doesn’t like you, there’s no way in hell she is ever going to go there. And I think a lot of guys don’t get this. I think they think that if they just try harder, she will come around. Well I’m here to displace this myth about men who try harder. There’s a reason you’re trying harder. She doesn’t like you and she doesn’t want to be with you. And a woman usually knows if they like someone the first time they meet them. They might not know it from texting or even talking on the phone, but once they meet you in person, they get a feeling. They either like you or they don’t.

After that first meeting, there isn’t much you can do about it. So, if you’re gonna try harder, try harder the first time you meet her. Show up nicely dressed, bathed and smelling nice. Definitely bring her a little something. A great card, a small bouquet of flowers, some candies, a book that you thought she would like. If you can tie it to something that the two of you have talked about, all the better. You get the idea.

And please, please, do not talk about yourself the entire time you are with her, because nothing will turn her off more than that. Well, maybe you popping out your fake eyeball would be worse (and yes, this has happened to me!). It should be give-and-take. If you talk about yourself, then you ask her “what about you…”. The whole meal or venue or walk around a lake should be about give and take. This is the time to be impressing her. Not after she decides that you’re a rude SOB, who likes to impress women with how much he has, who chews with his mouth open, and really has nothing to show for himself! Trust me when I say they are a dime a dozen.

Think about it this way. My mother always says to me that men are like street cars, they come around every 10 minutes. To put it in today’s terminology, there are a lot like Uber drivers. So think about that the next time you have the opportunity to connect with someone on a deeper basis than you usually do. I probably don’t speak for every woman out there, but I think most would say I’m spot on. And, I would love to hear from a reader of mine, who is a woman, to tell me what she thinks. So, enjoy your Hallmark holiday tomorrow and don’t forget the roses. I was lucky enough to get mine today!

I just got a new bedframe that I need to put together and I can’t do it by myself. I’m offering an hour long session for helping me with my bedframe. I’d like to get this done soon so please contact me if you’re interested.

2/12/24 What are some psychology facts about love?

1. If you’re close to anyone, when you read their texts, you can hear their voice in your head.

2. Sweet nothings work better whispered in the left ear.

3. When you’re attracted to someone, you’re more likely to be drawn to how they smell.

4. The more you care about someone, the worse you perform in front of them.

5. During courtship, set the bar appropriately and the other person will love you more.

6. Women tend to feel loved when talking face-to-face with their partners. Whereas men feel emotionally close when they play or talk side-by-side.

7. Asking for someone’s opinion can make them like you more.

8. When someone truly loves you, they tend to hug you for at least 5 seconds or more.

9. The more you ignore the one you like, the more you will fall for them.

10. A woman is more attracted to a man when she is uncertain about how much he likes her.

11. When someone tries to impress you, it shows they already like you.

12. People generally prefer an attractive face over an attractive body when they are looking for a long term relationship.

13. We mimic the actions of people we’re attracted to.

14. People choose partners whose chemical makeup complements their own. So someone with high levels of estrogen is likely to fall for someone with high levels of testosterone.

15. A crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you’re already in love.

16. If obstacles are placed in the way of your relationship, your feelings of love intensify and you want each other all the more.

17. When you find out that someone likes you, a little part of you starts to like them back.

Grossly overweight

Downright ugly

Young kids that they have halftime

Too many animals

Alcoholic/workaholic

Stupid or no education

Overly silly

Low paying job/bankruptcy

Moving too slow or too fast

Lives too far away

Doesn’t have the same interests as me

Ultra conservative

Too short or too tall

Is not tolerant of my job

Allergic to cats

No sense of humor

Well, you might have noticed if you read my blogs regularly that I took all the blogs down about Alex. I did this because I didn’t want to put out that energy to the universe and I felt that they were depressing blogs that I didn’t really want anybody else reading. I have since found out that he does not want a relationship or a friendship with me. He has shown me this through his actions. And actions speak louder than words. so we are not talking, and I doubt we ever will again. I basically got bamboozled by this guy and I learned a lot about how to approach a relationship. I will not make the same mistakes I made with him. Of course, he omitted to tell me that he had a drinking problem, and quite honestly, I don’t think there’s much you can do about a recovering alcoholic especially when they’re not even 30 days sober. I know I’m much better off for leaving this relationship. 

2/8/24 Update on my gastric bypass

I was going to entitle this blog, I Sag! But I didn’t want people to not read it! As a result of losing 110 pounds, can I just say that I look great in clothes, I am way more healthy and will probably live longer and I feel better. But, the part about looking better naked is suspect. I do sag. My boobs have lost a cup and I feel like they’re down to my bellybutton. Of course they aren’t but you know what I mean. My stomach is smaller, but it still sags. My arms sag, my thighs sag, my butt sags, even my pussy sags!  I thought about having a tummy tuck done in Mexico. A client told me that he had a gastric bypass there and it went really well and they were a very professional outfit in Cancun. That would make me a lot happier and somewhat poorer. Not sure if that’s a word. At any rate, I am who I am. My body is what it is. And when I ask clients, who have known me since I was fat, whether I look better fat or skinny, they always say skinny. Or they say they like me at both weights. Which is actually very nice to hear.

2/8/24 You Can’t Force Intimacy

Even with an escort! I was with a man last night, who was very sweet, very generous, and very married. But what creeped me out about him was that he treated me like he’d known me six months and we had been dating that long. He had no boundaries around what might be appropriate with me on our first date. He wanted me to treat him like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, that was his fantasy, not mine. I suppose I have walls and boundaries set up so that I don’t feel creeped out, and most men do not do this to me. I usually have to do a little coaxing with them, but they never want to just give give give. That was what was up with this guy. I think when we were texting, I started to get the feeling of it being too soon and too much. Kind of like my last relationship. But this guy was married and it wasn’t gonna go anywhere. I certainly was not going to get into a relationship with a married man, I’ve done that and I will not go back. Horrible, horrible experience. So, in the end, I made him leave early. It wasn’t just that he creeped me out, it was more that I was exhausted, and having trouble keeping my eyes open. But even if I wasn’t exhausted, I would’ve let him leave. He gladly took the money that I offered him. I think what I’m going to take from this is to recognize through texts where a person is coming from. If I’m kind of creeped out in their texts, I’m going to be creeped out by them. It doesn’t happen often, but last night was a very good example.

2/8/24 Relationship Truths

1. If love was enough, every relationship would have a 100% success rate.

2. Bad relationships change good people.

3. Toxic is when they can’t let you go, but they can’t treat you right either.

4. Authentic love may be unconditional but it does not mean unconditional tolerance.

5. You can take your power back by letting people go.

6. The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.

7. Sometimes rejection is redirection towards something better.

8. Healthy relationships include uncomfortable conversations.

9. Loyalty behind your back is really top tier.

10. Kindness is not flirting.

• Attention is not love.

• Silence is not anger

2/8/24 Hawaii Man is Back!

Well, it’s kind of a funny story. I blocked Ken after we “broke up“ and then later I decided to unblock him. Well, he tried to get in touch with me when I had blocked him and couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t contacting him back. And then, one day after I unblocked him, he sent me a text. And that was all she wrote. I mean we’re not back to where we were, but he did send me the most gorgeous decorated egg, and I love these. He had also sent me a gorgeous robe from the Wynn hotel. And he has been very generous with me in the past. We have talked about me going to Hawaii for another work vacation, but I’m not sure I wanna fly that far. We had also talked about us going to Las Vegas and staying at the Wynn hotel. I don’t know if any of this will happen but I’m glad that we’re back talking. I had missed him. He missed me too. I think it just goes to show that when you’ve known somebody two years and you care for them, silly, stupid arguments can be forgiven and forgotten.