You’ve been gone almost four months and I don’t feel like I’m any better off than I was at two months. But I suppose if I look back on it, I can tell that I’m crying less. The days between actively grieving are getting longer. I still have not reached acceptance. I’m still bargaining. I’m still angry and I’m definitely still depressed.

So many things have happened that I couldn’t talk to you about that I would normally have talked to you about. It’s disheartening. Laurie says I can talk to her, but it’s not the same and she’s not going to be my surrogate mother. It’s not healthy and it’s not going to happen. We’ve talked about it. And I know that I can talk to her, but sometimes I feel judged or she’s overly protective.

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My mom was protective, but mostly she gave her opinion. My mother was not a hugely motherly person. Nor am I. But like me, she would tell you what she thought. I miss hearing that from her. I miss being able to get her perspective. But the other day, I kind of heard her talk through me. It was very funny because what I said was funny and the way I said it was my mother saying it. Almost like she was talking through me. I’m pretty sure that does not happen but it felt like it and that’s what matters.

When I met with my sister Susie for dinner, we talked about how difficult it was to talk with mom over the phone. But Susie had every opportunity to see my mother and talk to her in person whereas I did not. But even in person was kind of difficult also. And in being difficult, it was at times very disheartening and frustrating.

My dinner with my sister went very well, which was a surprise to me. I think we were both on our best behaviors. I found out from my other sister the next day that a family friend who witnessed my sister brow beating me had a little talk with her. All I know is that my sister did not berate me, did not get on me about anything and we had a nice chat. And I was happy to be able to report to Laurie that it went very well. I need my sisters in my life. Especially now that my mother has passed.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now, but it never takes away from the fact that I am still very actively grieving. I seem to do better when I’m around other people. Imagine that?!

So if you don’t see too many ads for me this week you’ll know why. And if anybody would like to check in on me to see how I’m doing, that would be very nice. I’m really hoping this helps my range of motion because I just don’t feel like can bend my knee that far. I know that kneeling for a large amount of amount of time is out of the question.  But it would be nice to be able to sit at a table for more than a couple hours without having to get up and stretch and walk around. I’m not going to say that this operation was not a success because it was. I was limping before I got a new knee. I was in a lot of pain all the time. So in that regard, I am much better off. After I have this MUA I will be in physical therapy for six weeks, which I think I can do really well. I can do anything for six weeks. So wish me well that this procedure works.

So here’s some uplifting news about me. October has been the second best month of this year. Let’s just say that I grossed almost as much as a lawyer does in a month. That should give you some idea of how well I’m doing business-wise. On a personal note, I haven’t been feeling really lonely lately. I feel like I have a lot to look forward to and I’m even interested in meeting new people through these Kansas City meet ups. I’m looking really forward to this timewasted.com dinner tomorrow. I have come to realize that I am the only one who’s going to make my life better. I cannot look outside of myself for that.

And I still love my sexy red Mustang Mach E that I have now named Ruby!  So all in all, I’m doing OK. And unless I say that I’m not doing OK, you can pretty much bet that I am. I’m not saying that I don’t have difficult days because I do. And I’ll bet there’s a lot of people out there who would agree with me that they do too.

Again, I want to thank everyone who has sent me their condolences and well wishes. You all know just the right thing to say to me. I really do appreciate you.

I still think it’s a good idea and I still believe that 90% of my clients want me to cuddle with them. But I do think you need to go into it with the idea that it’s just cuddling and nothing more.

I know I shouldn’t, but I keep berating myself for the things that I did not do with or around my mother. I should have called her more. I should have visited more. I am so grateful that I got to speak with her the day before she died. She was in great spirits and felt she was getting better. I know that she died the way she wanted to, but I wasn’t ready for her to go and I’m still not ready. I know that this torrential rain of grief will pass, but I don’t know how long it will take. And that kind of scares me. I find that work and really anything that takes my mind off of my grief is a good thing. But I’m also taking care of myself and not pushing myself to do more than I want to do.

I know I will get through this because I have to go through this to find peace. I have been told that my grief will be replaced by loving and fun memories of my mother. I look forward to that day. No, grief is not good, but it is necessary. I wonder about people who do not grieve.

On the face of it, it looks like a wonderful idea. Imagine, having intimacy without having the pressure of having to have sex. Who doesn’t like to cuddle? When I ask my clients what they missed the most, it is almost always touch and cuddling .

I think the service would be great for women, especially those who no longer want to have sex, but still want to have intimacy. Part of me thinks this is a great idea and part of me thinks that this is date-rape ready to happen. I mean, you would really have to vet a person to allow them into your house and cuddle with you. But then, I allow people into my house all the time not knowing them. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

At any rate, I may try this out. The boundaries issue would be interesting to see how you negotiate that. And can you keep it at just cuddling? I’m not sure that I could especially if I really like the person and I’m attracted to them. I could also see this as a segue into dating.

As usual, I will let you know how this all pans out!

So I have to tell him now or before we have sex. Otherwise that’s really bad. Especially given what I do. And if I were to ask him to wear a condom, don’t you think he would question that? Yeah, I’m pretty well fucked. Lesson learned. Get myself off Match because I don’t belong on there. I chose to be an escort, and I still choose to be an escort. I choose the money, I choose the lifestyle, I choose this profession. And in doing so, I basically take myself out of the dating market. Think I have to get used to the fact that I will probably be alone the rest of my life. I’ve been starting to plan for that. Sometime I’ll let you in on what my solo dream retirement is. It’s changed a little bit.

I am not so attached to this man now, only having known him a short while, that his breaking up with me would be of that much consequence. I would feel bad for a few days, but I would get over it fairly easily. That won’t be the case in another month. I know myself. So I will be telling him today. Definitely before things get really intimate.

Update: I decided to text him immediately after writing this. As I thought, he did not take it very well. Lesson learned.

Enter Mike, software salesman who recently moved to Kansas City and lives in $1 million house. Boy he really had me going. But thankfully, it was only 24 hours because I wanted to meet him. Of course he ghosted me. And what I learned from this is that I don’t want to talk with guys forever or even for a full day before I meet them. What a waste of time. I can only hope that karma will serve him best with what goes around comes around. I have to wonder what I have done to deserve this.

I’ve never been one to think of people as bad. Maybe with the exception of felons, but it really depends on the felony too.  But, as I get older, I’m starting to see the nefarious side of people. I guess I just don’t understand why people sometimes do the things they do. Why would someone waste their time and texting me a lot over 24 hours with no intention of ever meeting me? Why do people catfish in the first place? Having come from mental health, I often question peoples mental health. But I do have the belief that everybody does the best they can given what they have to work with. And it’s those last seven words “given what they had to work with“ that is the true meaning of that sentence. Think about it. Maybe some people don’t do a very good job at living, but I do believe they’re doing the best they can, given what they have to work with. Which granted is not a lot sometimes.

And the thing that I don’t like about charging is that there are no facilities around it. At least I haven’t found any for my use that are at a gas station. So I end up going to a gas station to get supplies and go to the bathroom and throw trash away. And clean the bugs off my windshield. I wish charging stations were more like gas stations. I wonder if they are in California. And here’s the biggest rub. I’m supposed to get 277 miles off of 100% battery but I really only got about 180 miles. This is because everything uses the battery. The AC, heat, radio, you name it. I had to stop in Columbia. I also charged it down in Fenton where I stay And then before I left, I charged it for maybe 15 minutes. And then again in Columbia. So it’s a lot of time but it goes by fast if you have emails to read and respond to and texts and calls and you can watch YouTube or Netflix on your phone! So it’s not that big of a hassle, but it is a hassle.

Let me tell you, this car is a dream. I would call it a luxury SUV, but it doesn’t have wood accents or real leather or any of the trappings of a true luxury SUV. What it has is all the bells and whistles. OMG, this car drives itself. But the hands-free, which is called Blue Cruise, will not stay for all that long because it’s a subscription. And I’m not sure who bought the subscription. You buy it for $75 a month or $800 a year. I think that’s ridiculous, but it is what it is. I absolutely loved it once I started trusting it. The adaptive cruise control is so cool. You follow a car at their speed or, if no one’s in front of you, you go at the speed that you set. The only thing I don’t like about it is that I get used to it and then I find myself going 65 in a 70 and that’s when I have to ride their ass!

It has heated seats, a heated steering wheel, heated windshield wipers, heated side mirrors. I think that’s enough heating for right now. I may never turn the heater on. It would save on battery. It has a digital dash in front of you that shows you your battery percentage, range in miles, and how far you have to go to your next destination if you set GPS. This car also has lane assist, which will move you back to the center of your lane if you start going over the white line or the yellow line. Very cool option. It also has the Blindspot alert in the mirrors so that if somebody’s passing you, you see a yellow alert in either of the mirrors where they’re passing. Really cuts down on cutting someone off or worse.

It’s comfortable as hell with power seats and memorized seats and mirrors. There’s plenty of room in the back and it has two trunks! Although the one in front isn’t very big, but the one in back is huge. And this car is no bigger than my Buick Regal was. But it truly is an SUV. A very small one, but still an SUV.

If I had a complaint about the interior, it would be that the rear window is very small and the rearview mirror dims so that the sun doesn’t come in, which can make it very difficult to see out the back. When you’re backing up, you can just look at the 15 inch tablet that is basically your dash to show you what you’re backing into. But when you’re moving forward, it can be difficult to see out the back. I think there’s a way to show what’s behind you as you drive, but I haven’t figured it out yet. And something that I’m not used to is that there’s very dark tinting on all the windows except for the windshield. I’ve never had tinted windows. They’re pretty cool actually. And if you’ve never seen a glass roof in a car then you need to see this one!  it’s seriously covers from the back of the front seats to the back of the passenger rear seats. It too is very cool.

To say the least, I’m having a lot of fun. Oh, and I didn’t mention the fact that it’s very fast which is why they named it a Mustang. Now don’t get me started on that because a lot of people are upset about it, but I could care less. It’s fast and sporty and fun and I love it .

So I got a therapist and I was really impressed by the fact that she was a clinical social worker and older than me. I gave her a list of things I wanted to talk about in therapy and after two sessions, she decides that all of my problems are because I’m an escort. And most of the things I wanted to talk about had nothing to do with the fact that I’m an escort.

I was simply flabbergasted that she would be that judgmental after two sessions. And when I confronted her about this, she made no excuses. I quickly told her that this was not going to work because I was not going to change occupations, and I thoroughly disagreed with her about her diagnosis. We agreed to part ways and she referred me back to the agency that I got her from to find me a different therapist.

Can I just say that this next therapist is not going to know that I’m an escort. I know most of you will think that that’s wrong. Not a good way to start in therapy, but I refuse to be judged and I think that I can still benefit from therapy even if she doesn’t know what I do. I thought that therapists were supposed to be open-minded. I know when I was a therapist I was very open-minded. And I don’t think I would’ve judged somebody wholly based on the fact of what they do.  I just think it’s rather pedantic to say that all of my problems stem for me being an escort. I’m sorry, but I refuse to believe that.

As you well know, one of the main things that I talk about is being lonely. Do you really think I’d be any less lonely if I truly were a bookkeeper who worked out of her home? I think I would have about as many clients during the week that I would talk to, but for the most part I would be alone.

At any rate, I am going to try a new therapist and I will probably let you know how it goes. So the question becomes, can you have a relationship without their knowing everything about you? I think most of our relationships are like this. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am.

6/18/24 My New Ride

Well, after having a car for seven years and it being nine years old, with less than 100,000 miles, I decided to trade in my trustee Buick regal for a Ford Mustang Mach E.  This is their electric vehicle that probably should not be called a mustang given the fact that it’s a four-door SUV.  But, let me tell you that the reason they called it a Mustang is because it’s as fast as a mustang. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven an electric vehicle but there’s absolutely no pause. When you put your foot on the accelerator it goes. This car is basically a battery on wheels with a really cool computer, that runs everything else. It’s going to take me a good two weeks to figure this thing out and just like any baby boomer, I bought an owners manual that is an actual book because I want to be able to sit in this car and read about it as I figure things out.

At least this car does have a dash in front of you whereas the Teslas really basically do not. My son says Teslas are not meant for baby boomers and I think he’s right. if you don’t mind taking your eyes off the road to adjust the air conditioning through an app, then you’ll be just fine in a Tesla. Besides that, I’m not really an Elon fan.

The worst part about electric car is having to wait 45 minutes while it refuels. I hope this will get better in time. I think it already has. I, for the most part, will be charging it at home, which will cost around $30 extra a month. Not bad when you figure I use $30 a week in gas. And I’ve already figured out where I will charge it on my way to and from St. Louis once a month.

I’m hoping the learning curve flattens out fairly quickly. I will let you know what I figure out. I can tell you this though. The Bang and Oloffson stereo system with 10 speakers is pretty awesome. And the moonroof that goes over the entire roof of the car is also something to behold.

6/18/24 Writing Letters

A few weeks ago, I started writing letters to my mother. It only took her receiving one letter from me to know that this was going to be a really good thing. And it has been.

You see, she is as deaf as a doorknob without her hearing aids in. And even with them in, her hearing is contextual. So if there is no context for what I am saying, she doesn’t often understand. The best way for me to communicate from me to her is to write her letters. She loves receiving them, and I love writing them. I mainly update her with what’s going on in my life, but I know she’s getting more from them than she normally would from even talking to me. If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, then you know that I’m a better writer than I am a talker. I think I have better control of my words when I’m writing versus talking.

At any rate, this is one of the best things I’ve ever decided to do and I wish I had done it years ago. I’m thinking of writing the same letter to my sisters who don’t keep in touch with me very often. I don’t know if they would appreciate this or not. I guess I can try writing one to my sister Laurie and see how she reacts.

One thing that I want to work on this year is creating better relationships, both with my sisters and with my sons. And I will talk about this in my next blog.

6/18/24 Regret

My son said to me the other day that regret is a very powerful emotion and I thoroughly agree with him on this point. I often feel like I sit in regret and wallow in the strength of this emotion. But what I recently realized was that for the most part, if my mistake did not hurt anybody else, they don’t even remember my mistake. Only I do. Now that’s not true if it hurts somebody because they’re going to remember that for a long time, if not forever.

But I tend to think that most of my mistakes were only damaging to my self-esteem and my ego and nobody else really cared about them and probably do not even remember them or me.  This realization has really been revealing to me about how I think. Isn’t it terribly egotistic to think that just because I did or said something silly or stupid, that others who were around me, would even care to remember such a stupid silly thing!

This is been a life changer. Anytime I start to have a regret, I ask myself. Does anybody remember this besides me? I have many valid regrets from my past. But I have very many invalid regrets also and at least I can do something about those.

So the next time you find yourself in the deep emotion of regret, ask yourself, does anybody really remember this besides you? And do you really need to regret something that nobody else really cares about? I find that most of the time my ego was hurt and that was about it.

6/18/24 A Complete Change of Attitude

I was editing some blogs from 2017 and I ran across one where I talk about the fact that I think people never change. Well, I’m here to say after losing 110 pounds that people do change! I also want to talk about another change? I have made this year that has been remarkable for me. This is going to sound really simple and easy and it is but it didn’t occur to me until this year. And that’s the fact that I am consciously, trying to be a nicer person. I say thank you so much more. I let good servers know that they’re good. I always tell people to have a good day. Honey catches a lot more flies than vinegar. Why it took this long to figure that out is beyond me. But you can teach an old dog new tricks! I would know.

The response that I get back tenfold is the same as what I give. So if I want people to like me and I want people to be nice to me, it has to start with me. The number of regulars that I have is increasing because of this. I mean, who wants to come spend good money with someone and either have them be rude or insulting. Of course I didn’t do that all the time or I wouldn’t have any regulars. But I just feel better inside and I think I look better when I’m being nice. I’ll bet Dale Carnegie would agree with me.